Plastic Fork, Must Be Gone ASAP! =:-o
(Craigslist 'Freebie' ad =) This is a disposable plastic fork I got from a fast food place, or something like that, but that doesn't matter.
What's important is you need to E-Mail me your phone number so I can play phone tag with you like a cat with a ball of yarn (U R the yarn) and drag things out into an exquisite 'fake crisis' full of chaos & rescheduling where I waste everybody's time testing you against a field of competing freebie hopefuls 2 C if U R 'worthy' of receiving my 'glorious piece of trash'. Aren't cell phones like the greatest invention ever? =D
If you are a good obedient 'on call phone slave zombie' I might grant U my glorious address information for an appointment, where I will say I will B there at a certain time, but I won't show up, and maybe reschedule if you kiss up and pretend it was your fault for 'not following up' 30 minutes before (like I never even asked U 2 do, because I said I would B there ~;)
Are you one of the 'chosen'? Do you even DESERVE to read my glorious words? I'm still undecided. Maybe I've changed my mind and I will just throw it in the trash 2 spite U while you're on your way here. That way U will know how truly superior I am. Then I'll leave the ad up for weeks just to waste more people's time responding to non-existent giveaways. =D
Note: This ad is not a spoof of 'passive aggressive twits' in the freebies section. I really do have a beautiful plastic fork! ~:-o But can YOU show ME how U will 'use it properly' and 'give it a good home'? These things R very important when deciding whether to toss something in the trash or permit a lowly peasant like yourself the honor of touching my glorious used item. I might also have a chair to giveaway, but you must hire a 'professional chair mover' to lift it, or I will not let you have it... All sold out while stocks last, & offer expires while U wait, so get it yesterday.
I changed my mind. Sorry, no holds. First come first serve! Don't bother contacting me because I will not respond! U R NOT WORTHY! =:-o If you want it so bad it might be in the trash around town, and I am not going to waste my time giving you any clues where! I paid good $$$ 4 this fork so SOMEBODY is gonna damn well 'Pay' 4 it 1 way or another. WOW I feel 'Richer' already =D
Thank you =8^)
Permanent link 2 this ad available here, because my awesomeness is eternal...
https://justpaste.it/46enz
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Response from 'Nameless 1': "Hahaha! Thank you for the laugh. It didn’t mention anything about the fake ads that exist only to collect phone numbers to sell to telemarketers, though. If that could be worked in, it would be near perfect!"
UltraGod (That's ME! =) Reply: "I could 4 laughs I guess but that's totally illegal! =:-o It's a form of CRIMINAL FRAUD. Not up there with promising 'forbidden substances' or something, but kind of playing with fire HAHA U never know who would 'interpret' is an excuse 2 'investigate' LOL"
Response 2 from 'Nameless 1': "Too true! Things are taken too seriously, especially on the interwebs. Thanks for sharing some fun."
Response 3 = 'Katie': "Omg! I LOVE the fork you have listed CL! Is it still available?? I will totally come pick it up. Please hold it for me. I can come at 8:30 PM on Thursday. I would come sooner but need to borrow my friend's truck to come get it. Can you help me load it? What year is it? What brand is the fork? Does the fork have any odors? Are you a smoke free, drug free, and pet free home? Is there any damage to the fork? I will email you before I leave to pick it up on Thursday but will probably need to stop for take-out on the way and then may need to nap for several hours in my friend's truck on the side of the road on the way to your house, so it may be closer to 12 pm or later on Friday. Thanks!"
Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone
Reply: "The fork is not available. I posted the ad just in case the other 3 people who have already arranged appointments 2 come & take it flake out. I think you have a good chance, but only if you arrive before 9AM on Saturday morning. I will have a ring set up on my front lawn where some other contestants for the fork can come fight it out with you 'DeathMatch' style =D The year & condition of the fork shall remain a mystery 2 heighten the drama factor. Bring lots of friends to share the carnage spectacle. Admission charge will be $10 per person, and a plastic fork =8^D"
Sent From iZombie Phone 2000 Deluxe. Come Join The Party!~> https://justpaste.it/6s49i
Response 4 'Katie': "I would like to have the fork. Please provide dimensions. If you tell the other people you promised it to that it's gone and give it to me I will pay you $2 for it! Please let me know ASAP. Can you deliver to Bakersfield today by 10 am?
Thanks!"
Reply: "I can't deliver because I have a job so I'm always way 2 busy ~ sorry. I never do N E thing but work so I never go N E place but there & don't visit the beach either even though I live near it, so even if U R on my way like just a few blocks off the path that's way 2 much since it can really add up 2 miles some day & my car might like catch fire or something from all the extra driving and I don't want 2 wear it out. & my turn signal 2 ~ all those extra corners going click click click. If that fails somebody might smash into me because they won't know which way I'm planning 2 go while I'm driving down the road on fire. Plus being so close 2 the beach there what if a big tsunami flood wave hits? I could get wiped out! I mean it would put out the fire & stuff but that won't matter because I'll already be smashed up in a car accident after getting burned 2 a crisp! WoW, U R really a truly evil, satanic figure. Please get help!"
Sent From iDontcare Phone
Response 5 'Katie': "Will it fit in a 2008 Toyota Camry?"
Reply: "Yes, but U must hire a professional 'Fork Mover' to carry it =)"
Response 6, from 'J': "Thanks for the laughs this morning! I will do my best to keep alive as I have saved and will copy & paste to try and keep alive. But ain't this the truth though! Give me a fucn break with all these clowns out there. But seriously though, do you still have that fork?"
Reply: "I do have a fork but it is not the same as the one pictured. It exists in a parallel dimension and to retrieve it U must 'cross over to the other side' (the spirit world). Like those Indians say: "It's all a big wheel" or whatever & maybe U will come back as a fly or something & won't even need the fork, so really it works out either way. U know what 2 do! =:-o"
Sent From i4get Phone
Response 7, from 'J': "Alright. Fair enough. I will buy it. Do you accept cashiers check or have a PayPal account?...and my movers will pickup once cleared."
Reply: "It's free but there's a $100 shipping & handling fee from 'the other side' =) Ghost labor doesn't come cheap! Let me know. BTW: There is a bulk discount if U get 3 or more = total S+H only $180! BTW: 2 use the 'parallel dimension' fork U will need a 'host' fork of the same exact dimensions 2 contain the spirit fork. I have some that will work for this = $30 each. I suggest a bulk deal so U have spare = $210 total (3 spirit forks + 3 host forks, shipping & handling included =) BTW: Nobody will know U your forks are 'possessed'. They look like regular forks, but more pious. Your food will be blessed with Divine Aura! =D"
Response 8, From 'J': "Ok sounds good and fair deal. Thanks so much. Can I please have your full name, address, city, state country, ss num, bank accounts info, maiden name, birth certificate, urine, blood and hair sample?? And once check clears I will have Ghost rider come pickup."
Reply: "I C U R most reliable and honest partner and will keep our details in strict confidence. Once your funds have been received the trapped forks can be released after proper documentation has been filed with the local office. With God's help this partnership will be blessed with bright future for our business. Would you like me to pay the ghost rider a % after I receive the check? Let me know. I'm sure they must clear right away since the word 'cashier' is on them, because word's don't bounce. =8^D"