Woman Evolving Live Radio Show with Cate Allen
Full Transcript
03/17/2015
Intro Clip: The Cate Allen show discusses film, entertainment, events and social issues and celebrates the uniqueness of being a woman. And highlights local and national women-friendly businesses. Cate Allen interviews those involved in the film making process, entertainment, local events, and the social issues you care about. Tune In Now at AM 630 or k-talk.com. Now your host Cate Allen.
Cate Allen: Hi Welcome, you’re listening to the Cate Allen Show and I’m your host Cate Allen. I have with us a great line-up today. I have with us first, Yolanda Stang, who’s with A Streetcar Named Desire; Logan Long who is on the current season of Face Off. And Women Evolving. The co-founders and organizers. Stay tuned.
[Skipping forward to the Woman Evolving interview]
Hi everyone welcome to K-Talk, you’re listening to K-Talk Radio AM 630. I’m your host Cate Allen. And I have the whole group with us, Woman Evolving. And I have the creators and the co-founders with us who… facilitate the women evolving from where they’ve been to where they want to go to. So welcome to the show.
WE: Thank you. Thank you. Hello.
Cate Allen: Well it’s great to have you on here Could you each individually introduce yourselves?
Cami: Sure! I’m Cami. And… I live in Northern Nevada. I have a daughter and I’m getting my Master’s in… counseling with marriage and family therapy.
Jenna: Hi, I’m Jenna. I’m a stay at home mother of two in the San Francisco Bay area. My evolution is my journey from being… a stay at home mom to… entering the work force and trying to find fulfillment outside the home.
Crystal: My name is Crystal Miller. I live in Salt Lake City Utah. And I’m a single mother of seven children ranging from 19 to 6 years old. I wanted to be a co-creator of this group. I’ve definitely seen a lot of personal evolution in or experience a lot of personal evolution in my life and I would like to be a support to other women who are experiencing similar, uh, evolutions.
Brooke: Hi I’m Brooke Swallow and I live in Orem Utah. And… I’m married with four children. And I’m… currently a student at Utah Valley University in Sociology and Peace & Justice Studies, graduating next month I’m so excited. I just became a part of Woman Evolving to help empower women and help them on their journeys.
Crystal: Hi there I am Cyrstal Scott. I currently live outside Boise Idaho, just moved here from Virginia. I am a biotechnologist, but I have been involved in Women’s issues for the last 20 years. I love women. I feel like we are super powerful when we band together and that’s what I see my role, Women Evolving. I really want to be involved in developing a strong foundation for women to be able to share and care about each other.
Cate Allen: Well I want to talk about with Woman Evolving, why did you choose to create this organization?
Cami: This is Cami. And… last year I was interested in pursuing my own evolution. Uh, we’ve all come from the same background of being a part of the LDS church and I found that I wanted to… be an identity for myself that was outside the constructs of a specific religion or a specific ideology as well as create an identity that wasn’t anti-patriarchy or pro-feminism, but just me. Whatever that looked like. And I found these amazing women who had the same… they had the same pursuit and they were very passionate about helping women do that from all sorts of backgrounds and all diverse pathways that they were taking in their own personal evolution.
Cate Allen: And so with that in mind, you said ‘Okay, I can see I don’t want to go to one extreme or the other extreme, but I want to be able to find a place where I feel good in and… I want to find others that are like-minded’?
Cami: Yes
Jenna: Yeah! I think we all crave a space where we can speak our truth and we know that the rest of the group might not… it might not be their truth but they’re going to support us as we’re learning and growing.
WE: And one thing that I had really liked was that we really embraced the idea that this may not be the way we feel next year and that’s okay because we’re all evolving.
Cate Allen: ‘Hey, we’re here in this space right now but we’re evolving and.. we.. are.. basically blossoming into the person that we want to become’
WE: Yeah, and it’s been really nice to connect to other women who are going through the same things. And some of them have experienced things I have already experienced and I have advice for them or love for them because I’ve been there. And some are going through the same things I’m going through right now so it’s been wonderful to connect with those women as well and there’s some who have gone through things that I can’t even imagine. And it’s just been such a strength to be able to listen to them and see them thrive.
Cate Allen: Absolutely. And so, with all of this in mind, I realize, each one of you have a little bit of a different path. Can we talk about the goals also for the organization? What are you hoping to accomplish with this organization?
Crystal: This is Crystal Miller. We would like to become a recognized 501C3 and just be able to not only facilitate an online community, and a podcast community but also an in real life community where women can get together and learn about empowerment. And learn about, you know, things that can redefine and help them evolve in their lives.
WE: I think one thing that Crystal Scott brought up a few months ago when we were first interviewed was that for us being um having the LDS background, we envisioned what we all thought society would be in the sense of being able to grow together. Being in a position where if somebody doesn’t believe the same thing that another person does, that’s fine. And just like there was said previously that we can all change our minds when we need to. And another aspect is being able to reach out and search. Discover our community globally as well as within our own local communities to be able to inform each other when there are acts of service that we can participate in that will help women to grow and evolve where they’re at.
Cate Allen: I realized in you have a podcast that you do I want to make sure that everyone knows where they can go and find that. But I want to talk about some of the subjects that you talk about on the podcast. So, first, where do we find your podcast?
WE: Uh, www.womanevolving that’s w-o-m-a-n evolving.org
Cate Allen: So that’s woman evolving dot org and then let’s talk about all the different topics because you don’t just stick to one topic. You cover, quite a variety of topics.
Crystal: We do, we do. Um, this is Crystal Miller. We do a few segments that are kind of regular um, we do our R.O.A.R. that is our reach out segment. We do our sex and, I wanna say money, but that’s not it [they all laugh] and our personal evolutions, which is just us walking the listeners through our own personal evolutions as the founders of this group. And we also do uh a P.M.S. which is post members stories or post mo stories. And that’s people evolving out of uh religions that are overly oppressive and then there’s always uh we also have blogs where we just you know each of us individually may make a post that is relevant to our lives that we feel is worth sharing and those just kind of reflect our own personal evolutions or our own personal experiences.
WE: And Cate, um, we’re also, I have some interviews coming up that are member [the audio keeps jumping around and cuts off some words] of their religion that are finding ways to evolve outside of any constructs that are a little bit oppressive but they’re staying within their religion and, um, we also are going to be having a special with a financial advisor who’s a female and she has, she’s going to give us as women, uh tools that we can use in order to create more financial security.
Cate Allen: Welll and I think this is something that’s really helpful because unfortunately when people are in a certain construct they think ‘well this is the only way that I can function’ and there’s almost a feeling of being trapped. And that you feel ‘well, I can’t do anything else but I’m not quite happy where I am’ and so you’ve created a forum to say ‘wait a second, let’s look at this’, you know, ‘let’s look at this and let’s see, what is it that makes you happy’ and then you evolve to, you know, where it is you need to go and what it is you need to do.
WE: Yeah, I think Brooke is really good. Ah, she’s developed a society of um, ex Mormons in her community that have found some sort of support where they have felt left out because of their journey outside of their religion.
Brooke: Yeah, I I think that that’s something that uh, that I’ve… I’ve tried to ? with as my role you know within Utah Valley University as a student is I come across people that tell me they are looking for a community outside of the predominant culture. And... also… on Facebook. So what I’m primarily involved with is trying to help people find community within Utah Valley if they’re not part of the predominant culture. And that’s anywhere from being very liberal, um, LDS to being never-mo (?), which we like to call non-members, in this culture. And… Utah Valley ??? [the audio is fuzzy, she sounds far away and it’s difficult to make out all the words] is the is the social group that I’m a part of and they really value what I think we value at Woman Evolving is ? [audio glitch] meaning that we all have different ideologies and we’re not going to value one over the other, just you know, come as you are and contribute. And… I think that’s been very helpful in my journey just trying to find a community of like-minded people.
WE: Can I mention Jenna too? She lends a good voice to a woman who has taken a journey that was prescribed to her as far as getting married right away and having children right away and now she’s in a position where she is not finding as much fulfillment as just being a stay at home mom and is trying to explore that. Jenna do you want to explain your journey, because I think you speak to a lot of women who are listening.
Jenna: Yeah! I very much followed the path that was prescribed to me by my parents and my church. And along with an evolution in my religious beliefs that I personally needed something more outside of motherhood to find fulfillment. And I’m 5 to 6 years into my marriage. My husband’s career is very demanding and established. And I have two young children. I’ve really appreciated the support I’ve found in this group of women as… I’m working through how to overhaul my enti- [laughs] my entire life. And try to figure out what… I need and how to set myself up for the next, you know, 30 40 years of my career.
Cate Allen: As you’ve you followed the prescribed I don’t know what you call it but you got married you had children and now you’re looking to ‘hey maybe there’s a little bit more’ How does that feel?
Jenna: I fight a lot with feeling frustrated because I made some choices that… you know if I was as unhappy in my marriage I could get divorced. And if I didn’t like where I lived, I could move somewhere else. But having children is a really permanent choice. And they are so beautiful. And they have so much potential. And I see the way they look at me and now I’m walking this tight rope of trying to find what I need as a person and an individual. And be able to give them what they deserve.
Cate Allen: Do you see it as a different way of thinking? Is this something that maybe your mother or grandmother went through?
Jenna: I haven’t found a lot of validation from my family because they’re still very happy in their paradigm. And so it’s been important for me to form new social groups that can help me work through this.
Crystal: And interestingly it’s not just Mormon culture per se that, uh, prescribes this woman as mother necessity. We come from a Mormon background, uh the founders of Woman Evolving. And so that’s the that’s how we relate… but what what I’ve found as I branched outside my Mormon relationships and my you know Mormon friendships is that it’s it’s not okay to not like being a mother once you’ve already had kids, you know.
So, yeah, I have seven children. And I had seven children because I was within the paradigm of Mormonism and I felt like it was my responsibility to multiply and replenish the Earth as they say. And I blindly and faithfully obeyed that and, to be blunt, popped out babies. You know I had 6 kids in 7 years. And then when I stepped outside of that paradigm and started analyzing and and, I like to say thinking for myself but I don’t mean that in an insulting way, but you know, all of a sudden I was like ‘well I don’t actually want seven children so… that sucks. But the reality is… here they are… and they’re mine. And it was a huge thing that I had to process and go through because I had made the decision so blindly and it was such a permanent decision that it was three years probably before I came to terms with this role that I’m in as mother. And seeing it as simply a part of who I who I am or what I do. You know, I’m not just a mother. I’m a sister. I’m a lover. I’m a friend. I’m a, you know, whatever.
And to do that I really reached out into the taboo. Meaning that I gave myself permission to consider putting all 7 of my children up for adoption. I gave myself permission to consider letting my husband raise all of them. I gave myself permission to consider farming them out to my sister’s, you know, maybe one sister takes two and another sister takes two, and another sister takes three. But, my my point is, that I gave myself permission to actually entertain these options that, to the world at large, seem abhorrent, seem selfish.
And you know, what happened, is that I was able to come to terms with mother as a role that is only a fraction of what I do and who I am. And to, for me, redefine what motherhood what parenting looked like. And I feel like from the time that I settled into that to now, my children are happier and healthier, you know, not just physically but emotionally. They are better people because I chose to be authentic and really work through this. And stop allowing my life to be dictated by the social norm and what what’s acceptable.
WE: You chose to keep your children. [they all giggle]
Crystal: Yes, Yes I chose to keep my children. And I love my children.
Cami: And Crystal I don’t think you would have gotten to that point if the construct of mother in America and within a religion meant the be all end all of everything needed for everybody. You know there’s other societies, there’s other cultures that allow mother to have her own identity. To have her own pursuits, to have her own dreams, and to have specific boundaries and not to be the all giving nurturing to everybody person. I think if you had be- a different construct it would have felt completely different
Crystal: Yeah and I I think that that ends up with a lot of women feeling a lot of pressure to be perfect in something that they didn’t necessarily choose. And it it can also contribute to depression and anxiety. And so if we don’t allow people to have the freedom of their choices ? and actually process that choice. You have other problems that can really affect your children if you’re depressed if you don’t have purpose outside of motherhood. And so it’s actually a very healthy way to view your role as a woman.
WE: You are narrating what happened for me. I got to a point where I was so depressed and so beaten down and so not being authentic. That I I genuinely believed it would be better for my children if I were dead. And I, you know, I was, I was contemplating suicide. I was making a plan and.. it was like… I mean looking back at it it’s unbelievable but that’s exactly what happened. Was I got into this downward spiral of ‘I didn’t choose this but I’m stuck with it and the only way out only way out the only acceptable way out I should say is to die’.
Cate Allen: Essentially you felt entrapped, ‘this is what it is, this is the only option’ or so you thought, and then instead you said, ‘let me start exploring other things’ and then that’s how you were able to evolve and say ‘hey you know what, I was really not in a good place. But now, I am’.
Crystal: Yes, and as I like said before, I began to explore things that societally were taboo, were were forbidden were disgusting, you know. “What kind of a mother wants to give away 7 children?” “What kind of a mother doesn’t accept her role because”, you know, I birthed them, I theoretically chose this because, you know, I did get pregnant, I didn’t use protection, I didn’t abort them, whatever you want to say. So, yes, on some level in some dimension I chose it and now I’m just saying “well, never mind” right? But it wasn’t I explored those that I actually, you know, I dove into those options, it wasn’t until I did that that I realized, “Okay I can be a mother to these 7 children” and I could be much much more than that. And I could still be an individual. And I can still be a human being, a person, that is not defined as mother.
WE: And you know, I think a journey speaks to people who are dealing with their sexual orientation. Who are dealing with, maybe, they have no desire to ever get married. They want to be single the rest of their lives. These different things where they’re not allowed to be and so we’re hoping to reach out. And one thing we try to do with our discussions on this is that we do think of a broader sense, “okay, how does that apply to people who are dealing with other things.
Uh, there’s a gentlemen that I was just speaking with his wife, who he feels like there is no way out but suicide because he has not dealt with his sexual orientation. And so there’s a lot of ways people feel trapped and they think… what I’ve noticed is that each one of these women do an amazing job giving the support to anyone and they don’t have to actually go through the same exact thing but if they’re feeling trapped, they have a source to go to. They can talk to Crystal you know, or Jenna, or whoever.
Cate Allen: We’ve been talking specifically about Crystal’s experience. You could fill in the blank for anything else. You’re talking specifically about the role of mother. But it could be anything.
Crystal: Absolutely and the thing that I like to emphasize or to really help people understand is that thinking about something is not the same as doing something. Really, exploring your options and really, like taking yourself mentally down each of those paths can be really powerful. And can be really eye opening. For me, I found that I actually do want to have my children. I I want to be their mother. But it before, when I was able to really explore the these possibilities, no matter how taboo they were, I really thought that I didn’t. My my thought process at that time was ‘I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want to have children. What what have I done? How have I gotten myself here?’
And so being able to really walk through each of these options each of these scenarios, and down to the… I mean, theoretically, again, you know, walking yourself down that possibility, ‘And if I do this, what’s the result?’ ‘And If I do this, what’s the result?’ ‘And if I do this, what’s the result?’ for me it was really empowering to be able to say ‘Okay, now I’ve actually thought through every option, no matter how awful or taboo it is.’ And now I find myself in a place, okay yeah, actually I I would like to be these children’s mother.
Cate Allen: And you’ve made the choice to do it too. That you said, ‘Okay now that I’ve explored these different paths, this is my choice and I’m going to own my choice.
Crystal: Yes, yes, absolutely.
Cami: Exactly what Crystal Miller was talking about, and Jenna, and Brooke. About speaking about taboo subjects, one thing that we’ve all experienced is a lot of repression and denial of our own sexuality. And of course this something we deal with in a patriarchal system of America. From our background with Mormonism, and we have a lot of women, who deal with deep deep seeded shame and guilt and Crystal, do you want to talk to them about what you do with your series. And why you do that.
Crystal: Oh I’d love to. My background is in biology. And I’ve taught courses before. And we deal a lot with female sexuality. And what I’ve found is that a lot of times women feel very uncomfortable even using correct terminology for their own bodies. And with that they also feel like there’s no place for them to learn about satisfaction and how to achieve things like orgasm or I guess just in general satisfaction.
So, my uh contribution, my regular contribution to Woman Evolving has been this topic of sex and men (?). So what I like to do is um talk about things in an appropriate and um correct manner scientifically speaking. But also get at the heart of what the enjoyment is, how to talk about these things openly, and I would say that those podcasts have been very well received. And and after one airs I get plenty of private messages and friend requests and most of these are from women who have felt sexually inhibited but who have this desire to know what it is to feel sexually satisified.
So that’s been really interesting for me but it’s also been uh, it’s allowed me to learn a lot more about my body, other women’s bodies, and how we are so different, but yet how we have this have this desire to to understand what it is to feel sexually pleased.
Cate Allen: Well, and I think that’s something very interesting, because even in culturally speaking, in America, this is very taboo. You don’t speak about these things.
Crystal: That’s right. And not only that, we don’t talk about it because it’s rude or it’s considered, you know, not lady like [WE: it’s crude!] Yes, it’s crude and rude. But, the the other thing is I feel like most the information that women have are from talking with friends, which is great, I think that’s great. Or things like Cosmo magazine. Or from like sneaking a peak on the Internet. And looking up specific buzz words. But there is really no open forum for talking about sexual satisfaction and um.
What I found is that a lot of women don’t even know how to achieve orgasm on their own. I I tell you, every time one of these um episodes is up and live I get all these messages about ‘can you talk more about how to achieve orgasm?’ It’s just… insane to me that that this is such a taboo topic.
[Commercial Break]
Cate Allen: Bringing this to the forefront and talking about it, what are you hoping to achieve?
WE: I think open dialogue is super important. Um, when you see women talking about it and it it doesn’t feel dirty and icky and nasty and you don’t feel like you’re doing something wrong I think that’s where you really start to um allow yourself to explore. And get to the place where you are regularly able to feel satisfied.
WE: Not only a healthy relationship but just feeling super comfortable with yourself, a healthy relationship with yourself, in a very intimate sense. I think is extremely important.
Cate Allen: You know we have a lot of social issues in America. And you know we’re a first world country, but we even have a lot of problems with sexual assault. Or when people can’t deal with certain issues instead of treating the root cause, they’ll treat the symptom, that turns into depression. I realize Crystal was talking a little bit earlier about, you know, she was really exploring some of these things, however, I don’t think most people choose that path, I think a lot of people are… just fall into a deep depression of ‘I’m trapped I don’t know what to do. I’m going to start popping pills.’
WE: Yeah and not only that we’re kind of in this society where we are, our focus as women, is on other people so… may it be our children, may it be sexually satisfying our husband or boyfriend or our girlfriend or whoever, um very very seldomly is the focus on pleasing ourselves. Especially when you talk about, um, in a sexual manner.
Cate Allen: Well and there’s something that has been coming up a lot I would say in the last couple years, self-care. How would you put this along with self-care? How does this help biologically and scientifically with the body if you are providing the self-care that you need so you understand how you can feel happiness or satisfaction or so on and so forth?
Crystal: I am so glad you asked that question. There are true benefits to being able to experience orgasm and satisfaction. So there are chemicals that are released in your brain, dopamine, and these things make you feel good. But also when you become in touch with your body, you understand what feels good to you. And you understand what is pleasing to you. You understand how, um, how these sensations work and what is what is required in order for you to feel satisfied. And when you feel satisfied regularly, you’re going to feel better and more empowered about your body. But you’re also going to be able to feel like you can share yourself in a more intimate way.
WE: With Crystal Scott’s ability to talk about our sexuality as women from a scientific stand-point, it doesn’t feel cold but it doesn’t feel dirty just what she was saying. I feel really educated and it feels clean and it feels, um, informative. And I feel like I I have a chance to get to know myself better, um, unfortunately women’s sexuality, um, has so many negative connotations. You’re either a whore or Madonna in our society and especially within religion there is such a strong connotation that your sexuality is not yours, it is your husband. And even to the point of your pleasure, is not yours. And so I think it it’s a really wonderful way to just get to know yourself, and to just understand, ‘Oh this is how my body works. I understand this now.’
Crystal: And it makes me feel really great when I hear from women either in forum discussions or private messages because it just it speaks to the truth that this is is a real concern, this is a real, um, topic of discussion that needs more open conversation. And the only what that that’s going to happen is if people feel comfortable about it. And they feel safe in sharing. So, I I think coming at it from a scientific or, um, biological perspective is a really smart way to go about it. But not only that, when you understand the biology or at least a little bit of the biology, it makes sense for some of these sensations and some of these feelings that you have as well. What works for you, what kind of devices are available, are any better than others are there lubricants that should be used, etc? These things are things that need to be talked about. But, um, there is a very limited forum for women to talk openly about such things.
Cami: It’s it’s not women who are like ‘Ooh let’s talk ab-‘ it’s… th… you should hear these women, uh, private messaging us and asking these things in the most vulnerable way. They’re so vulnerable [background talk] Yeah, some of them are so old and they’ve never known what an orgasm was. And it’s heartbreaking. It’s not… let’s talk as dirty as we can. It’s really necessary.
WE: Yep, I would agree with that too Cami. I’ve been really struck by that.
Cate Allen: So, let me ask this, because, do you think it’s possible that if women understand their bodies better and they understand in terms of how it works and then their intimacy with their partner, do you think that could really start to change part of our community and society? Because I realized within the community and within the society as a whole in America, there are so many social issues. But do you think if we started with each person… and each self… that we had the self-care and then started to look out… Do you think that could really change some things?
Crystal: I do, I definitely do. That’s… When I was teaching this course called Biology of Women, I had, um, a special circumstance – I was teaching at a women’s college that accepted girls as young as 14 years old. So I had 14 year olds in my class learning about sexual satisfaction. And I had no problem teaching about the clitoris, I had no problem teaching about that because I mean I wouldn’t have a problem teaching them about keeping their heart healthy, why would I why would I feel uncomfortable teaching them about keeping their, um, their, reproductive parts healthy. And their psyches healthy. So yes, I think that the more you know the more powerful you are. And the more self-confident you are as well.
Cate Allen: From a biological stand-point, do you think by virtue of doing that, providing the self-care that you need, it could, potentially, even mitigate some of the sexual assaults that we have? Because I realize that sexual assaults happen on both the men’s side and the women’s side. We’ve got a big problem in the US with it. But we also have a huge problem Internationally too.
WE: You know, I, I am not an expert on that subject, I really don’t know how to answer that except for anecdotally. Um, I feel like if, people in general were more informed, um, perhaps that would be helpful. I just, really I can’t predict that though. Does anybody else…?
Jenna: I think it’s a fine line to walk between victim blaming and self empowerment. But I do think that only good things can come from women feeling strong and empowered and be willing to stand up for themselves.
Cami: Cate, I actually work with, I’m working with CARE right now in providing, um, awareness through my R.O.A.R. series. That stands for Resourcing Our Activist Responsibilities.
And, there, right now, another bill has been re-introduced back into the House and it’s the IVAWA - The International Violence Against Women Act. And it… you just hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, in a lot of the constructs of patriarchy, um, around the world, to a lesser or greater degree, a woman’s sexuality is not her own, it is a man’s. And therefore there seems to be a lot of, um, unspoken or spoken entitlement for men to take that sexuality from women, as a means of punishment, as a means of domination. Um, what the IVAWA bill does is it, um, by, it gives the US, um what their foreign relations a position to oversee strategies that address gender based violence.
So, for instance, um, just like we do with video piracy, um, there are videos you can watch them on YouTube if you want, or you can watch Half The Sky, which is on Netflix, um at least it is right now. Where, you will see these people they talk to, and these others about video piracy and people are just like ‘Oh yeah, no no no we don’t do this here’ because they know that’s really important to the United States. So… a bill such as the IVAWA bill um, what it does, it does not need any extra funding, but it gives a position of somebody in foreign relations to other countries to say what are you doing against gender based violence. And especially with rape and honor killings and so forth.
And it gives, uh, a sense of, um, [sighs] of importance for these subjects, that these women are experiencing severe atrocities world-wide and if we’re saying ‘What are you doing about this?’ every time we have a relations meeting with another member of a different country, they’ll realize that this is important to America. And we hold, um, we have a great, uh, what’s the word [scoffs] I hate to use this but I guess a dominant stance with it because of our… because of our, um, financial [WE: capitalism] yeah yeah we have sway, basically. And it uses that financial and political sway world-wide to say ‘We care about this. What are you doing towards gender based violence?’ And this is a very prevalent and accepted form of punishment. Um, as well as dominance for women world-wide.
So, where a women’s sexuality, you can talk from all the way from here where we are very privileged in America. Um, but we still don’t feel like we own our own pleasures, our own ability to feel pleasure, and where we can start doing that…. That makes a ripple affect to women who are literally sewn up so that they can have no relations with men until their husband’s take that over. And um, it, it all bases from the same, the same primal through process, women should own their own sexuality. And their own selves.
Jenna: Yeah, I would agree with that as well. That was beautifully stated Cami.
Crystal: So one other thing I wanted to mention, Cate, this is Crystal Scott again, I have also received messages from men after the S&M, um, podcast release about how to know, how better to understand and know how to satisfy the women in their lives. So that’s great too.
Cate Allen: Well I think that is helpful because… having had enough friends and you hear the horror stories, my heart goes out to them!
Crystal: Yeah, I feel sorry for the guys. I mean I mean in a lot of ways they have it easier, I would say, but, um, there are many men who want to be pleasers and sometimes it’s really hard to know what is is good so… We can do a service there.
Cate Allen: People can message you and say ‘You know I’d really like to understand’ because most people they don’t learn about this from school or e- most people don’t even go check out a book at the library, or go to some bookstore and buy it. They just kind of say ‘Oh, I I know what I’m doing’ when they have no idea.
Crystal: Yeah, I mean especially if you come from a background of an oppressive- a sexually oppressive religion. Where do you- where do you learn about these things? And once you leave that religion, how do you… overcome never having been sexually satisfied? Or given true satisfaction? So that’s something that we are very interested in exploring.
Cate Allen: Where just because someone has a child, that doesn’t mean that it was an enjoyable experience.
WE: But, I mean, I mean I do, um, yep, I think we all probably know women who are in their 70’s, you know, who, you know, had 8 plus children who have never experienced orgasm. And I just, I just you know, I’m 40 years old and I’ve had several friends tell me that they didn’t experience an orgasm until their 30’s or late 30’s. It’s a common thing.
Crystal: Uh, yeah, this is Crystal Miller. I know somebody in her mid-30’s that has 5 children that still has never experienced an orgasm.
Cate Allen: Are these really healthy relationships? Or is it just a matter of, is it really one sided, or is it just people being in ignorance? What’s going on here?
Crystal: I think it’s all of those things. People not understanding their bodies. People not understanding their partner’s bodies. People not being able to relax enough so it can happen. People feeling uncomfortable in that situation. It’s just all these things that that, um, snowball together in an intimate situation and often end up in an unsatisfied woman.
WE: Yeah and even people not understanding relationships, really.
Cami: You know, I think I think, it all stems from not being allowed to be authentic and to listen to yourself and to listen to others. To figure out who you’re at, who you are versus following a prescribed path and being told how how you should be versus who are you. And tell us who you are. Um, I think it stems from that.
Cate Allen: Do you think it’s possible to have these things and to have authentic relationships because I think the majority of society & the community, they don’t have these types of relationships in place. It’s more so… keeping up with the Jones’ or ‘hey I think this is what I’m doing, I don’t’ really know’. Do these actually exist and can people actually have that as well?
Crystal: They do exist. I think I- I know a couple women, one of them is on this panel today, she is happily married and she is, um, fantastically satisfied and a lot of us are jealous of her [background talk]
Cate Allen: Is this just a unicorn that you hear that there’s this myth that it exists but we can never, you know, [laughs] we can never obtain that?
Brooke: Well, um, Crystal Scott is referring to me, this is Brooke. Um, I think that um, just, you know, with my experience, I don’t think it’s anecdotal. I don’t think it’s a unicorn. I think that it all comes out of being comfortable, talking about sex with your partner before it happens, and then after it happens.
Cate Allen: Her husband doesn’t like it and so he’s like ‘It’s just great, we’re just like roommates’
Crystal: So it’s it’s all about communication, and I’m I’m finding with, you know, talking about consenting ?? we’re doing these workshops where we talk to students about sex, people are afraid to talk about it before it happens. So that’s why I think ? and dialogue ? is a thing. Talk about it with your partner, know what your likes and dislike are before it happens. I think that having that relationship is a huge thing too. [It’s really hard to understand, she sounds far away and the audio is fuzzy] I don’t think I’m I’m, you know, typical as far as my sexual needs, um, there’s someone ? less sexual than I am and they may or may not need that in their life. But before I even committed to being engaged, I wanted to make sure that that part of our relationship was in tact. The larger social issue is that if you’re waiting to have sex, you know, until after you’re married, that’s fine maybe it’s your value system but, being educated about it is key. People who hold that in their volume system where they’re not going to have sex until after they’re married, they can talk about it they can learn about it, be educated about it, and explore that as a couple too.
Jenna: Reading a book called Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely and in there is a chapter about sexuality. And in there Ariely talks about how the brain changes when you’re in this sexual mode. And he did some really fascinating studies to try to prove this. This idea that myself evolved a little bit, when I am turned on, really made a difference for me because it helped me fully accept the desires and thoughts I had while I was aroused. Other times I didn’t have to feel embarrassed about those thoughts and ideas. I could embrace them as this part of myself and then I was, I felt like I was, more fully realized sexually once I accepted that. It’s called Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. And that’s A-R-I-E-L-Y.
[Cate Allen Outro]
Other Woman Evolving Podcast Transcripts:
Episode 1: Woman Evolving - http://jpst.it/vs71
Episode 7: We're Sexy and We're Married - http://justpaste.it/womanevolving_1202015
Episode 19: Failure vs Feedback - http://justpaste.it/jo8n
Episode 20: Coulda Shoulda Woulda - http://justpaste.it/womanevolving_03092015