If you're a husband who is seeing signs and signals that indicate your wife may file for divorce, there are some important things you should be aware of...
If you're a husband who is seeing signs and signals that indicate your wife may file for divorce, there are some important things you should be aware of.
First of all, DO NOT move out of YOUR house. DO NOT go stay with someone else for a while. DO NOT relinquish control of YOUR possessions in any way.
If your wife suggests that the two of you "take a break" and "spend some time apart", then directly and firmly let her know that SHE certainly has the right to go stay somewhere else but that you are NOT leaving your house.
Of course, it sometimes happens that a woman will have the locks changed on the house while her husband is away but more often than not, if a man tells his wife that if anyone is leaving it will be her, then, she'll be the one who does the leaving.
Now, this is important for a number of reasons...
One, when a man leaves, it gives a woman extra space and freedom to initiate the divorce. For whatever reason, it seems to be easier for a woman to file for divorce when she's separated from her husband.
Two, it sets the foundation for the woman to get custody of any children by default. If you care about your children at all, this is very important.
Three, lawyers can and WILL distort anything and everything you've ever said or done – which means if you try to be the nice guy and leave your house to give your wife her "space" until things get "worked out", and things take a turn for the worse instead of for the better, then don't be surprised if in court your separation gets morphed into something like, "This horrible abuser ABANDONED his family and left them to fend for themselves."
Now, before you start thinking to yourself that I'm some amazingly negative person with major issues and a huge chip on his shoulder, please understand that I'm merely relating facts based on what happens to thousands of men every day.
In fact, before I continue on, let me inform you that every day, false charges are filed by women against the husband they are divorcing – simply to gain the upper hand on him in the divorce and/or custody proceedings. And, these false charges are usually of a very serious nature – ranging from "alleged" physical abuse to outright claims of sexual abuse – often resulting in the woman gaining a protective order which blocks the husband from all access to his children and possessions.
Ok, let's continue... The second thing you should know is that if your wife files for divorce, EXPECT her to become vicious in all sorts of ways you would have never dreamed of – ways that hurt you and cost you. I'll give you two common examples.
One, it's typical for husbands to want JOINT custody of the children. In other words, they want their children to have equal access to both their father and their mother. And, that seems like a reasonable sort of arrangement, don't you think?
Well, court records PROVE that with very, very few exceptions, women seek SOLE custody of the children – and specifically, they mostly seek an arrangement where children have as little access or contact with their father as possible.
Two, in the context of a divorce, it's typical for husbands to want a fair and equitable distribution of the property. Again, that seems like the fair thing to do, wouldn't you agree?
But again, court records PROVE that with very few exceptions, women seek to get ALL of the major possessions of worth or value. It seems that women rationalize to themselves that their husband has some unfair advantage such that she needs EVERYTHING to continue on and he needs NOTHING because he can easily go make a new start.
The third thing you should know is that it's certainly appropriate to want to work things out between you and your wife. By all means, let her know that you would PREFER to work things out with her...that you'd PREFER to make a fresh start where you do a better job of meeting her needs and equally as important, where she does a better job of meeting your needs too.
She may or may not accept your INVITATION.
If she doesn't, LET her be an individual who is free to make her own choices and who is free to pursue whatever paths in life she chooses to pursue – even if that means one without you.
DO NOT supplicate. DO NOT beg. DO NOT pester her with "tracking" calls any time the two of you are apart. DO NOT stalk or spy. DO NOT project insecurity and paranoia. Be a man. Respect yourself. You're a survivor and a winner. You WILL be ok with or without this PARTICULAR woman.
If your wife chooses to move on without you, there are plenty of quality women in this world who would be EAGER to join paths with you.
Of course, you don't want to go overboard with this such that your wife thinks you don't have any interest in her. That obviously wouldn't help improve your marriage.
On the other hand, if she does accept your invitation, that's wonderful. Promptly and proactively seek for ways of improving your marriage relationship.
When it comes to "fixing" relationships, the pattern is that men tend to procrastinate and women tend to act. And specifically, women tend act by interviewing multiple attorneys, by making plans and arrangements – all the way down to knowing exactly where you're at and making sure any children are with her when she fires off her dirty deed of filing for divorce. The result is that men willingly put themselves in a position of HUGE disadvantage.
So, your best option is to DO something TODAY to turn your marriage around for the better.
Whatever you do, don't leave things in limbo – put time frames and constraints on things. Many a woman has strung her husband along while she's out playing the field, making alternate arrangements, and setting up a new life without him while he's at home hoping she'll come back around.
And, just so you know, when a man is passive in this way, it just proves to his wife that he's not man enough for her and that she needs to find someone else who is manlier.
Also, a word of warning...
Beware of counselors who want to pull up and "analyze" all the bad stuff that's happened in your marriage as this will only serve to emphasize the negatives that your wife is already holding in her mind and further suggest to her that leaving you is the right thing to do.
Your wife is already acknowledging internally all the bad stuff and perceived wrongs that's happened in your marriage in a strong, vivid way and anything that "strengthens" her in this state is only going to work AGAINST you.
So, if you and your wife are still in the same house and nothing has happened yet, then I URGE you to get these two books (available at MarriedAndHappy.com/Catalog) right away:
"How To Turn Your Wife Into A Nymphomaniac"
"Strategies and Tactics for the Husband in a Sexless Marriage"
Not only will these two books show you what you need to do to save your marriage, they will also show you how to get the kind of marriage you want – a happy, sexual one.
Now, if you're reading this and your wife has already filed for divorce, then I have two important recommendations for you:
One, I highly recommend that you IMMEDIATELY go to Amazon.com and get the following book OVERNIGHTED to yourself:
The Father's Emergency Guide to Divorce-Custody Battle: A Tour Through the Predatory World of Judges, Lawyers, Psychologists & Social Workers, in the Subculture of Divorce by William Dawes
Also, if you have children, I STRONGLY recommend you get these books too:
Custody for Fathers: A Practical Guide Through the Combat Zone of a Brutal Custody Battle by Carleen Brennan
Fighting for Your Children: A Father's Guide to Custody by John Steninbreder
Fathers' Rights: Hard-Hitting & Fair Advice for Every Father Involved in a Custody Dispute by Jeffery Leving
All four of the above listed books are critically important to a man with children facing a divorce.
Perhaps most important is that they will educate a man on how to direct and drive his attorney in a way that's useful to him. Without the information contained in these books, a man's attorney will more often than not work AGAINST him more than he works FOR him. But, with the knowledge contained in these books, a man is better armed to protect himself and his interests.
The second recommendation is to realize that EVERYTHING is important in a divorce proceeding. If your attorney tells you something isn't really important then understand that HE/SHE is probably LYING to you.
For example, attorney after attorney has told husband after husband that the initial "Temporary Hearing" (the "Pendente Lite") was "no big deal" and that it wasn't important for him to be there. Well, the fact of the matter is that this is usually the MOST IMPORTANT hearing there is because key precedents are set which shape the way things are to be LONG-TERM.
Similarly, everything a man signs is important. For example, many a man has signed an unfavorable agreement in good faith based on his attorney's statement of "just until we get this worked out". Unfortunately, that unfavorable agreement became a binding and legal agreement that the man had to live with for the next 10 to 20 years – or in some cases, for the rest of his life (or his ex-wife's life).
Copyright 2009, Article by Calle Zorro of MarriedAndHappy.com. Permission is granted to reprint this article ONLY if a resource box pointing to the following websites is included with it.
If you're a husband who wants a happier, more sexual marriage relationship, consider this help: www.NymphomaniacWife.com
If you are a husband who is doing everything you know to do and still there is lack of intimacy in your marriage relationship, consider this help: www.MoreSexForMen.com