FLORIDA MAN: THE HIT BROADWAY MUSICAL
WRITTEN BY GERCHIBALD A. FLAMILTON AND EDUARDO MCGILLICUTY JIMMY JAMES MRBEAST
CHARACTERS
ST. PETER: Guardian of the doors to heaven; patient and professional. Wearing a headset and holding an angelic tablet.
FLORIDA MAN: A 30ish male human(?) of floridian origin. Dressed only in his boxers. May or may not have a gator and/or a deep fried rubber chicken on hand.
GATOR: gator.
ENSEMBLE AND BUFF ANGELS: self-explanatory.
[SETTING: an eternally long line filled with peaceful souls, and standing in front of the pearly gates is none other than ST. PETER.]
(Being immortal, an eternal line to angels is like a 15 minute wait to us; unpleasant, but short.)
[demonic red light shines on stage as FLORIDA MAN appears, dressed in nothing but pink Hello Kitty boxers, holding a half-eaten cheesecake in one hand* and a headlocked gator in the other]
[FLORIDA MAN shoves cheesecake in mouth, releases GATOR, then immediately cuts line, reaching where ST. PETER stands.]
ST. PETER: Welcome to heaven FLORIDA MAN. Please take your place in the queue, and we will get to you in an orderly fashion.
FLORIDA MAN: What is this? England? I am an AMERICAN [points to bald eagle tattoo on his bare chest] and I do not consent to your “queue.” Last I checked the Constitution, I have the divine right of way.
ST PETER: Everyone in heaven is equal. Please return to the end of the line.
[FLORIDA MAN slaps a piece of paper down on the desk.]
FLORIDA MAN: Here's my paperwork, I think you’ll find it’ll change your mind about letting me go through the express route.
[ST. PETER stares at FLORIDA MAN as he points to the angelic doves resting nearby]
FLORIDA MAN: When’s hunting season? Because I make a mean bird and gator smoothie.
ST. PETER [Speaking into his headset]: Security, please escort the man in nothing but a pair of hello kitty boxers to the back of the line.
FLORIDA MAN: THIS IS A VIOLATION OF MY RIGHTS UNDER MARITIME LAW!
ST. PETER: Maritime law applies to oceans, sir. And your “paperwork” [holds up paper from earlier] is a receipt from McDonalds that has “cease and desist” and “god bless america” written on it in purple crayon. Also, heaven does not HAVE an express line.
[two buff angels start pulling FLORIDA MAN backwards while he rambles incoherently about constitutional freedom under the first amendment and swamp rules]
FLORIDA MAN: THIS IS AN INFRINGEMENT OF MY RIGHT TO INSTANT GRATIFICATION UNDER THE GENEVA CONVENTION!* I WILL NOT FALL PREY TO YOUR COMMUNIST SCHEMES!
[no less than 5 minutes later FLORIDA MAN immediately starts cutting the line again]
FLORIDA MAN: Listen Pete, I’m an honest, law-abiding samaritan, I go to church, and I pay my taxes mostly; I think you should forgive and forget and then let me go the express route.
ST. PETER: Law-abiding samaritan? FLORIDA MAN, the whole reason you’re here is because you SLAPPED the chief of police across the face with an alligator that had bible verses written on it in SHARPIE and screamed “I CONDEMN YOU” and then proceeded to try to RIDE said alligator on I-95.
FLORIDA MAN: I was merely expressing my concerns about the corrupt state of our government nowadays. The gator was a concerned fellow protestor that I introduced to YOUR faith. So, you're welcome. Also the chief of police was a CANADIAN who was clearly in league with the DMV.*
GATOR: [Roars in affirmation of his story or deep hatred for Canadians]
[ST PETER stares in absolute disbelief]
FLORIDA MAN: Also, can we talk about the distinct lack of jorts, shops that sell Bud Light and GOOD background music?
(Author's note: Heaven's music taste consists primarily of harps, ambient cloud noise and death metal.)*
[A gleam enters ST PETER’s eye as he comes up with an idea]
ST. PETER: You’re right FLORIDA MAN. Heaven’s waiting line simply isn’t able to provide your desires, and as such you SHOULD be able take the express route.
[ST. PETER points to nearby hole in the ground]
FLORIDA MAN: Finally! Come on GATOR.
[FLORIDA MAN does a backflip into the hole, conveniently missing the sign next to the hole that says NEXT DESTINATION: FLORIDA 2.0 (HELL)]*
FLORIDA MAN; 67 TO THE TOP AND BACKKKK!
[end scene]
(Author's note: This play is technically possible with the use of trapdoors and also birds :D)
(Author’s note:GATOR could be a person or a gator idc)
FOOTNOTES:
*(1) (The flavor of said cheesecake is inconsequential for this play, but for continuity, let’s say it’s strawberry cheesecake lightly sprinkled with the odor of swamp cow)
*(2) (Yes, I am aware that the right to “instant gratification” is not part of the Geneva Convention. However, FLORIDA MAN is not.)
*(3)(Department of Motor Vehicles. Yes, I am aware that alligators are not motor vehicles. No, I did not know what the DMV was before today.)
*(4)(Not biblically accurate.)
*(5)(This is an accurate assessment of Florida. No, I will not elaborate on my opinion.)
*(6)(Bet you haven’t actually read the sentence this is attached to yet!)
(Author’s note: I like to think that if this was an actual play, the stage directions, author’s notes, and footnotes WOULD be read outloud. (Author’s note: Including this one. How meta.*))