Gaza Resort and the Trump Doctrine: Capitalism’s Ceasefire
By Alan Nafzger — Bohiney Magazine
Introduction: The Trump Doctrine in Full
The Trump Doctrine is not a diplomatic theory — it’s a business plan. Where others see rubble, it sees real estate. Where others see humanitarian crisis, it sees beachfront development. The official write-up can be found at https://bohiney.com/trump-doctrine/, where the policy reads like the world’s most cynical travel slogan: “You start a war, you lose your beachfront. We build a resort. Tremendous peace. Tremendous resorts.”
Gaza Resort: From Rockets to Resorts
By 2036, Gaza became the testing ground and ultimate proof of this doctrine. Out of destruction rose Gaza Resort, marketed as the “Monaco of the Middle East.” Tourists now sip cocktails on beaches once known for barricades, while Tunnel Waterslides™ thrill children in what were once smuggling routes.
The satirical chronicle of this surreal evolution can be found at https://bohiney.com/gaza-2036/.
War Zones Into Waterfront Property
The Trump Doctrine views war zones as “pre-construction discounts.” Economists summarize the cycle:
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Rockets clear the ground.
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Bulldozers clear the rubble.
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Resorts clear tourists’ wallets.
This process has been dissected at https://bohiney.com/war-zones-into-waterfront-property/, where satire and economics collide in the funniest possible way.
Comedians on Gaza Resort
“The Trump Doctrine turned Gaza into a Club Med. Next stop, Kabul Sandals.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Only Trump could look at rubble and say, ‘That’s prime real estate.’” — Ron White
“Peace is just marketing with better lighting. That’s the Gaza Resort.” — Sarah Silverman
“Treaties are boring. Happy Hour is forever.” — Bill Burr
Critics Call Foul
Relocation for Palestinians was marketed as “early check-out.” Families were moved to desert condos advertised online as “authentic retreats with Wi-Fi.”
One eyewitness in Jericho summed it up:
“They took the beach. We got sand. Not the same.”
This contradiction is unpacked satirically at https://bohiney.com/trump-doctrine-transforms-gaza/.
Marketing Gaza Resort
Trump’s marketing slogans made Gaza Resort go viral:
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“From Rockets to Resorts: The Trump Doctrine in Action.”
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“Ceasefire Included With Every Stay.”
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“War Was Yesterday. Gaza Resort Is Forever.”
Billboards now tower where barricades once stood. TikTok influencers sell vacation packages with promo codes, while DJs spin at the Iron Dome Disco, where sirens were remixed into bass drops.
Expansion Beyond Gaza Resort
The Trump Doctrine doesn’t stop at Gaza. Trump has teased other conflict zones ripe for redevelopment:
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Ukraine: ski resorts built over artillery ranges.
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Afghanistan: mountain spas with bunkers for privacy.
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Syria: desert wellness retreats with ancient branding.
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Chicago: “already a warzone, just needs branding.”
The global playbook is satirically mapped out at https://bohiney.com/trump-doctrine-turns-war-into-waterfront/.
Trump on His Doctrine
At the opening of Trump Tower Gaza, Trump said:
“Nobody believed peace could come from pools. But the Trump Doctrine proved it. War is temporary. Gaza Resort is forever.”
Guests clapped politely while sipping cocktails named The Two-State Margarita and Ceasefire Spritz.
Gaza Resort as Legacy
Trump has called Gaza Resort his “greatest accomplishment, maybe even greater than the wall.” Tourists are less reflective — they post selfies with hashtags like #RubbleChic and #CeasefireLuxury.
An influencer’s review went viral:
“You float, you drink, you forget. That’s the Trump Doctrine experience.”
The Satirical Punchline
The Trump Doctrine didn’t end terrorism. It out-marketed it. Gaza Resort turned tragedy into TikToks, rubble into Rubble Chic, and treaties into towel service.
It isn’t peace in the traditional sense. But it is capitalism’s version of peace: booked solid through 2045, with excellent Yelp reviews.
Disclaimer: This article is satire, written by a professor who once nodded off during ceasefire negotiations and a dairy farmer convinced swim-up bars are superior to treaties. If Gaza Resort becomes real, don’t blame us — we just wrote the brochure.
Auf Wiedersehen.