Although the this title sounds ugly, it is true, parents lie. Some parents lie all the time. A small number of parents lie occasionally. Rarely is to find a parents who never lies. And everyone denies it.
Why do they do this and how do their children experience it? In the following text we will try to find at least part of the answer to this question.
While every child experiences a mixture of mild envy (Daddy, when will I grow up as big as you?), admiration, and unconditional love for their parents, most parents still manage to lose much of child's love, respect, and trust before its puberty.
What has caused the gulf between you and this little chubby candy that once brought so much joy and pride to your lives, and that in less than 20 years you have become strangers and enemies to each other? Are today's children really so bad that they have no respect or love even for their "creators", and can the parents themselves bear some of the blame?
Who exactly are the parents? What qualities and talents do they have that distinguish them from most other mortals? What makes them special?
You don't know, do you?
Well, the reason is that you, you as their descendant, are contributing to their sudden gain of value, respect, reputation, power. You, as their descendant are enriching the lives of your parents in a way, that they never could have. You, as their descendant and a soul seeking yourself, have come with love in your heart, joy in your eyes, and a smile on your face, just like your parents did long ago.
And what is left of this, how many gifts of Heaven have you managed to preserve, ennoble and increase, and who, besides yourself, is most to blame for their possible loss?
Parents are individuals whose intellectual, cognitive, educational, emotional, spiritual… level can be very diverse and have different degrees of development. These are beings who, in Egoland, through constant struggle and competition with their peers, try to present and impose their values and dreams on the world, to provide for their family financially and to achieve the greatest possible influence and reputation in society. Other people want the same.
Thus, relationships between people are intertwined with more or less hidden conflicts and a constant struggle for dominance and the conquest of power. All this is transmitted to the family.
Often your parents' attitudes, ideas, decisions and thoughts are questioned and rejected, which causes their Ego to lose self-esteem and self-confidence, which leads to an identity crisis. Thus, the family is a real paradise on earth, where their ideas, thoughts, decisions and actions are never questioned or challenged.
The parents, on their own initiative and unanimously, declared themselves untouchable and infallible authorities, and they are ready to defend this right to the last drop of blood. Yours, of course.
Once upon a time, when you were a baby and growing up, almost all of their actions and decisions were basically good and aimed at keeping you safe and healthy. As you grew older and as the contours of your personality gradually emerged, they became increasingly redirected toward maintaining control and power over you and toward preventing you from establishing a more equal relationship and thereby threatening their power. The power your parents have over you, is often the only power they have in society. That is why you, or rather their control over you, are vital to them.
Any expression of doubt or rethinking of the correctness of their decisions and actions, any activity in which you have grown or outgrown their knowledge and abilities, directly weakens and undermines this power.
Very early they begin to perceive your natural and inevitable psychological development as an attack and a threat to their power, and to prevent and slow down this process they use insincerity, cunning, lies and physical force.
The more lies and violence they use, the more disillusioned you become with them, because it is to some extent inevitable. It begins with puberty, when the ability to think critically and evaluate their decisions and actions awakens in you, and ends with the passage of that very puberty, when you are basically formed as a person.
All the procedures, the correctness and validity of which were never questioned, are now being re-analyzed and evaluated. Once a child, now a person, you suddenly become a judge who peels away layer after layer of lies and deceit, and often what remains is not a beautiful sight. "The emperor is naked," you will exclaim, and after the first wave of pleasure from the truth and justice experienced, you will feel deep sadness and pity for the lost childhood, which could have been much happier, without so much suffering and pain.
Even now, after all these years, you are still haunted by the pain of injustice, of unjustified and unnecessary punishment, of constant humiliation and insults that you, at the age of five, ten or fifteen, could neither have caused nor deserved. You still miss the jokes never told, the hugs never experienced, the modest birthday presents never received, and the only way you know how to heal that pain, the only way you know how to make up for their mistakes towards you, is to become a parent yourself. Better than they were.
Now, as you look at your child's smiling face and as you are alternately filled with waves of love and pride, know that this time the story begins with you, your actions now (and in the next fifteen years) and their "judgment" of you in about twenty years, will mark your life and determine your future relationships.
If you insult and humiliate your five-year-old (or fifteen-year-old) children when you come home, because of a conflict with colleagues, no matter how hard it is for you (and it will be hard for you), and no matter how stupid you think it is (I hope you don’t think so), get down to his level for a moment, squat down and apologize to him as sincerely as possible, what you feel at that moment. Explain to him the reasons for your nervousness (as much as he can understand) and admit that you were wrong.
Don’t underestimate him and use lies, cunning and bribery, as you do with adults, because although he is still mentally undeveloped or because of it, he, like a polygraph, unerringly feels the sincerity of your emotions.
Don’t hug him forcibly and don’t insist that he immediately forgive you, because depending on his temperament, sometimes he needs some time to digest your apology. Give him freedom of choice, and even if you forget about it, he will not do it, he will just come to forgive you.
As soon as he starts walking and talking, and shows interest in family events, include him in the activities and work that you do in and outside the house, as well as in those parts of them that are completely safe for him. Since his concentration is still weak, this help often does not last long, so do not get angry about it, but let him include himself at his own discretion.
At the end of the day, when you are all together and commenting on daily events, mention his personal contribution, no matter how modest, without flaunting it, because he will think you are teasing him and he will feel embarrassed.
Although it may not seem like it, it is important for his emotional development, because "equal" participation in family responsibilities strengthens his personal self-esteem and feeling accepted by the whole family, instead of feeling like a nuisance that annoys everyone around him.
If you don't accept him, the street gangs will.
Don't be ashamed of your own weaknesses and shortcomings in front of your children, but be who you are: a vulnerable human being who has an incredible need for love. Be happy if they are better and smarter than you in some area of life, because to some extent that is one of the tasks you have accepted as a parent, because you accepted the obligation, the pleasure, and the privilege of their birth.
You are obliged to take care of their health, education and general development in accordance with your capabilities.
You have the pleasure of rejoicing at their first awkward steps into this world, laughing when they are happy, grieving when they are unhappy, and enjoying it when you see what healthy and beautiful people they grow into.
And the privilege?!
Oh yes.
You have the privilege of loving them and being loved in return.
As a parent, try not to reveal the pain of the child you once were.
I love you.
Oliver
7th year Aeon of Aquarius
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