Every coming-out is exceptional and there's no proper or incorrect manner to do it. But, in case your child comes out to you, there are matters you may do to make it less difficult for you both. Online gay quiz is the most popular form of sexual orientation in which people belonging to the opposite gender or sex are attracted to each other.
A lot of parenting is instinctive – from dad jokes, being a non-public chauffeur, or a non-public bank manager, to the large stuff like area and being a shoulder to cry on. But it’s authentic what they say: there’s no manual. Society is evolving, younger human beings sense greater able to specific their sexuality and/or gender; development isn’t expecting us to trap up. As open-minded as you are, you could still discover your self amazed in case your child comes out to you. Never fear: we’re right here that will help you manage it like a pro.
Let them lead the way
You may have had your suspicions. Coming out is a watershed moment, a huge release of fear, hope, relief, joy and anger – there’s a lot going on. If you feel they’re on the cusp, tell them you’ve noticed there’s something on their mind, that they can trust you if something is bothering them. Gentle nudges, yes; statement and pronouncements – “You’re trans, aren’t you?” – maybe not. The words should come from them: this is their movie and we’re just extras.
Calm, calm, calm, calm
Coming out isn’t always a saccharine, Hollywood moment. Sometimes it happens during fights, in anger, the words screamed at you. Stay Zen. Listen. Nod to show you’re listening. Wait until you reckon they’re done and then, rather than tell them your opinion or turn it back to you, give them control and ask if they want to hear what you think.
Be ready
Frustrating as it might be, they may not be ready to talk right away. Chances are the coming-out didn’t go how they’d planned or expected – they may be in shock that it’s out there. Going from “in” to “out” is a huge change of status. Offer your support and an ear when they need it, whenever that happens to be. That moment will absolutely come.
Instant reactions
You don’t have to sit there and say zip, though. You’re human, after all. Good reactions include:
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“I’m so glad you told me.” However you feel about the news, your child has trusted you with something that’s lived inside of them for ever. LGBTQ+ kids don’t just tell anyone at first. You should feel honored; tell them you are. Ask them how they’re feeling now they’ve told you; it gives them time to process.
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Hug. Kids will be kids and might turn their nose up at physical contact – but put it on the table and see what happens.
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“Have you told anybody else?” Don’t be offended, but it’s unlikely you’re the first they’ve told. Often an LGBTQ+ child will tell friends, and may try another adult – perhaps someone close to you – to use as a sounding board. Your child knows there’s less baggage between them and someone they don’t know as well as you. This question should reassure you – at least they haven’t been going through this alone. An LGBTQ+ person spends their entire life coming out to someone and… it doesn’t always go well. But you can strive to be different. Talking to your kid about how the other reveals went can be a good distraction until they’re ready to talk more how they’re feeling. It helps you too: if they’ve already confided in someone else you know, you can talk to this person without breaking either confidence.
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“Do you need me to do anything or talk to anyone?” Coming out isn’t always a problem they need solving, mostly they want a friendly ear, but it’s usually absolutely exhausting and… they might need you to tell Grandma. Best not to advise your child to avoid telling anyone – seriously, you elderly relatives will cope – as it suggests it’s something shameful, but you can guide them on potential reactions and advise caution if need be. If they swear you to secrecy, honor that request until your grave.
- “I already knew!” some lgbtq+ people tell me it can be comforting that close friends and family were already aware – it makes it feel like less of a huge deal. Others are horrified they either didn’t hide their secret very well or that everyone was talking behind their back. To be on the safe side, don’t say you already knew until they ask you – although the glittery confetti and inflatable unicorns falling from the ceiling may give it away. Be honest, but kind, and concentrate on emotional cues rather than commenting on, for example, their childhood mannerisms or a tendency to prefer toys or clothes not normally associated with their gender. Try: “you’re my child and I’ve watched you grow up. Yes, I knew there was something special within you that one day you’d tell me about.” it sounds schmaltzy but, when said from the heart, it makes all the difference and can forge a bond between you. That’s not to say you can’t joke about it, and humour certainly works as an icebreaker, but read the room, take their lead. We lgbtq+ crew take this very seriously, perhaps ridiculously so at times, yes, but this is our thing.
- “it’s just a phase!” stop. Let’s not assume heterosexuality or being cisgender are the “default” that we must aspire to, or that with a bit of encouragement your child will fall “back” in line. Any child coming out to you is informing you this is who they are; this is their default setting.
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“it’s such a waste.” I guess when people say this they mean the life they had mapped out for their child will never be. But you cannot, and should not, mourn a person who never existed or lament a destiny that wasn’t yours to decide. Instead, concentrate on the child the universe has given you. Not growing up heterosexual or cisgender shouldn’t stop them doing most things they want to do. The real waste would’ve been your child living a lie.
- “I read somewhere” there’s been a swathe of negative and misleading reporting around the lgbtq+ community in recent years – especially trans and nonbinary people. Best not to parrot this back at your kid – chances are they’ve read it too if they know your login details for newspaper paywalls. Let the lived experience of lgbtq+ people be your guide, if you like, but you should let your child’s thoughts and feelings inform your reaction and your support. You may not “agree” with this situation but your permission is not required. Your love and strength are required, though. The world is tough and this probably worries you – do you want to make it worse? Toothpaste hardly ever goes back in the tube without making an unholy mess; you’re unlikely to convince them they should follow a different path and you should certainly not die trying.
Read the label
Forget jokes about pronouns, weakness, identity politics or grim stereotypes. Yes, labels are now more varied from what you knew growing up. Your child might be happy to identify as gay or may simply prefer to identify as someone questioning their sexuality. Labels are useful for us: they help us tell the world who we are. But we get to choose them and we can also decide not to use them. It only takes a second or two extra to think about it. You’ll get it wrong, at first maybe. Just listen with an open mind, show an interest and endeavour to do better. Ask questions if you don’t understand, but if your child can’t exactly define what it means to them specifically, it doesn’t make their experience any less authentic. And, yes, ask which pronouns they prefer: she/her, he/him or they. It literally takes an extra couple of seconds to think about; make the time.
Getting personal
There’s more to being LGBTQ+ than sex and questions about your child’s sex life will still go down like a cup of cold sick whatever their orientation. Mind your own business on this, just remind them to be safe. If your child is trans, you’ll be curious about what this means for their future. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll want or need medical intervention of any kind – take direction from them before you steam in with questions. They may not know the answers, but they still know who they are. Respect that.
Warriors vs champions
It’s a sad fact that LGBTQ+ people have a tougher time. Your first instinct as a dad is to protect your young. You’ll want to crack skulls, fix bullies, warn off potential love rats and blow up at bigots. This is your baby; you want to be a warrior for them. Trouble is… it’s probably the last thing they want. They won’t want shielding, or defending, or for you to dole out ritual beatings. They may end up resenting you for interfering.
Instead, be a champion. Fight your kid’s corner by invitation, through positivity. There’s no way you’ll be able to handle all the shit coming an LGBTQ+ person’s way. Human nature never disappoints. If your kid is very young or frightened about what being LGBTQ+ means for their future, reassure them. Tell them you know some people don’t understand or appreciate their differences, but bigots never win. You’ll always be there to listen, help and understand. Remind them this is a new beginning, the world can be theirs, and that you’re proud of them. But let them find their own way – this is one car you can’t drive.
Being calm, open-minded and supportive to your LGBTQ+ child is the closest you’ll get to being a superhero. Use your powers for good, wear your cape with pride – and soar.