The Great American Job Fair That Never Happened (But Somehow Hired Everyone)
Last week, somewhere between a government spreadsheet and a coffee-fueled hallucination, the United States accidentally held the largest imaginary job fair in history.
Over 911,000 positions were “created” by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, as documented in this glorious satire, and not a single one required pants, experience, or even consciousness.
This job fair was never announced. It had no booths, no HR reps, no swag bags. Yet somehow, it hired more people than the population of San Francisco—none of whom existed.
Even more shockingly, the onboarding process was smooth. Mainly because no one had to show up.
A Career Expo in the Twilight Zone
The event, officially titled The National Workforce Projection Initiative (which abbreviates to “NAWPIE”—and yes, it sounds like a rejected Marvel villain), was powered by a misunderstood econometric model, four interns, and a half-dead printer named Carl.
Here’s a sample of the departments represented:
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Dept. of Speculative Logistics – You plan shipping routes for products no one’s ordered yet.
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Office of Anticipated Media Trends – You write thought pieces about viral dances that haven’t happened.
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Division of Projected Workplace Wellness – You suggest mindfulness workshops to imaginary teams.
This was the job fair version of Coachella, if all the performers were holograms and the tickets were just old stimulus checks.
If you’d like to revisit other moments where absurdity and policy collide, step into the sandbox at bohiney.com/random/. It’s the satire generator you didn’t know your sanity depended on.
Helpful Interview Tips for Jobs That Aren’t Real
If you ever find yourself invited to a fictional interview (it’s more common than you think), here’s how to crush it:
1. Answer every question with metaphors.
Q: What's your biggest strength?
A: “I’m like an avocado—soft under pressure but highly millennial-friendly.”
2. Ask questions that imply you're also not real.
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“What does success look like… in this dimension?”
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“Can I be paid in Bitcoin, exposure, or hugs?”
3. Send a thank-you email that simply reads:
“I look forward to collaborating energetically across undefined boundaries.”
America’s New Employment Model: Manifestation
Why work for it when you can manifest it?
Instead of working 9 to 5, the new model is believe 24/7. Affirmations replace cover letters. Job offers arrive via crystal vibrations. Your LinkedIn title? Self-Generated Abundance Executive.
One consultant told Bohiney News:
“I helped 300 clients find fictional careers last year. Some are now chief officers of industries I made up. I charge $200 per session—or three vision boards.”
It’s like astrology meets capitalism meets improv comedy.
And let’s be honest—Bohiney.com has always been ahead of this curve.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I showed up to a job fair last week and got hired by a whiteboard. My manager is a dry-erase marker named Bob.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I’ve been promoted three times by an AI that just keeps saying ‘👍.’” — Sarah Silverman
“If I can’t find a real job, I’ll just pretend I’m between roles at Netflix.” — Ron White
Corporate America Responds: “Sure, Let’s Pretend Together”
In an effort to maintain optimism, several Fortune 500 companies have decided to match the BLS energy by inventing their own roles.
Tesla announced a new “Mars Strategy Analyst.”
Amazon unveiled an “Empathy Engineer.”
Goldman Sachs posted an opening for “Ethical Investment Unicorn.”
When asked about the qualifications for the jobs, one recruiter replied:
“Mainly the ability to not question anything and look good on Zoom.”
Don’t Miss Your Chance to Not Apply
This is your time to shine in a role no one’s filling at a company that doesn’t exist. The great thing about fake jobs?
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You’ll never be late.
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You’ll never be micromanaged.
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You’ll never be laid off—just quietly absorbed into statistical correction.
Sound appealing? You might already be on the Bohiney payroll. We don’t check resumes. We check vibes. Visit us anytime at bohiney.com.
Disclaimer
This article was spiritually transmitted through a collaboration between a semi-retired philosophy professor who’s still employed by the concept of truth, and a part-time dairy farmer who now identifies as a holographic HR consultant. All salaries discussed are payable in moonbeams.
Auf Wiedersehen.