Stephen Colbert’s Keynote Speech at the 68th Annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial

Thank you.

It's the honor to be tonight's keynote speaker up on this dais filled with so many lustrous people. I'm mean, my God, I'm standing in front of Dr. Henry Kissinger and Maria Bartiromo. You guys are dating now, right? Beautiful couple, beautiful couple. Anyway, I'm so pleased to be here tonight at the Al Smith Memorial dinner, here in the Grand Ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria. I am humbled just thinking how this stage has been graced by so many renounced speakers, and also, I'm guessing some bar mitzvah DJs. Now, the last time I've spoke on a dais like this was at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner, and I certainly hope that you would give me the same respectful silence I've received that night. I've been inform that there is a chance that C-SPAN is broadcasting this tonight, so I'd like to say hello to all 7 of our viewers this evening. Don't worry, this would all be over as soon as you find the remote.

The Al Smith Memorial dinner, of couse, is one of the last of the great formal events still held in New York City, the other, of couse, being the Portorican Day parade. Everyone looks so lovely tonight, you know. It's like we all showed up at the same Halloween party dressed as the Monopoly guy. And you know, that's kind of fitting, because the Wall Street guys evidently have 'Get Out of Jail Free' card. We just joshing for charity, gentlemen. I love being up here in the white tie section. It's a bit of the gated community. Don't get me wrong, you people down there, in, let's say, you know, the black tie neighbourhood, are very nice. I love black ties. Some of my best friends are black tie. I just think, compared to us up here, you look, you know, a little trampy. You know, leave something to the imagination. Without these tails, the sight of my exposed upper haunches would inflame the ladies. Right, Maria, right? Is that's nice? Is that's nice?

Now, I've long been a fan of the Al Smith dinner, which is always held on the third Thursday of the October. That's why I call it 'Catholic Thanksgiving'. And you could not have found a more perfect keynote speaker tonight. Because, I am proud to be America's most famous Catholic. And I’m sure the cardinal is thinking, ''Stephen, pride is a sin.'' Well, cardinal, so is envy, so we're even. Now, for the uninitiated out there, I'm the host of 'The Colbert Report', the only late night show with it's own chaplain. Father Jim Martin, who is my plus one tonight. Hi Jim, good to see you. Also, I am the youngest of eleven children, Jimmy, Eddie, Mary, Billy, Margo, Tommy, Jay, Lulu, Paul, Peter and Stephen. I would hold for you to applaud my parent's passionate obedience to Humanae Vitae. Protestants, as the Catholics next to you. I was an altar boy for eleven years. I put my time in the pious, the up, and the down, and the criss, and the cross, going to pancake breakfast for the CYO. Pancake breakfast for the 'Knights of Columbus', eating pancakes for dinner during Friday, during Lent. At this point in my life, I'm one-third buttermilk. And as a Catholic, engaged in the world of politics, I love that this dinner has no separation of Church and State. As the jurnalist Theodore White put it: ''The Al Smith dinner is a ritual of American politics.'' So for those keeping track, the American political rituals are this dinner and the Republicans sacrificing 2014 to Ted Cruz's ego.

This even has a lustrous history, ladies and gentleman. It began in 1945 to honor the accomplishments of governor Al Smith. A man who fought for goverment housing, public schools, labor laws protecting women and children, and went on to become the first presidental candidate of a major party who was Catholic. And since he first shattered the stained glass ceiling, America has seen a flood of Catholic presidents, from John F. Kennedy, to JFK, to good old Jack Kennedy. We got close-ish in 2004 with John Kerry, who was a deeply Catholic candidate, in that listening to him talk was like attending a Latin mass. I personaly want to thank Timothy Cardinal Dolan for inviting me here to help support these wonderful causes. Thank you. Your Eminence, it's an honor to know you. Thank you so much.

And I have to say, now, Your Eminence, that's a title. That's a fantastic title. I'm mean, just think of that. His Eminence, his not just sitting there, his emanating. His like a fog of Cardinalness. On the other hand, the Eminence sound like the most boring Spidermen villain of all time. I have great respect for Cardinal Dolan, though I do have to say, sir, it is not easy when you're wearing that outfit. In that cape and red sash, you look like a matador who really let himself go. Did you not see the invite? It said white tie, not flamboyant Zorro. Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very tough job, trying to uphold Catholic family values in sexsualy liberal New York City. I'm not saying that New York is the gay Mecca, but it's at least Gayrusalem. But the Cardinal is doing a fine job, isn't he? He really is. So fine, in fact, so fine, in fact, that earlier  this year the Cardinal came this close to being selected Pope. But he blow it in the swimsuit competition. I would've gone with the one piece. Get that image, get that image up here. Let that sink in, let that sink in. Instead, he was first runner up. And that means, of course, if Pope Francis tests positive for steroids, Dolan's in. So start warming up your blessing arm and papal bullpen.

Now speaking of Pope Francis, obviously, as a observing Catholic, I belive the Pope is infaliable, but he's also wrong about lot of things. By the way, is Pope here tonight? Pope Francis, are you? Are you here? Cause if you were, we probably wouldn't know, cause his humblenes would be out washing the feet of the coat check guy, or something. We get it, you're modest! If Pope Francis were trowing tonights party, we wouldn't be at white tie at the Waldorf, we'd be in sweatpants, crammed in the corner booth of the iHop's, spliting the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity. And it's not just his humble lifestyle that gets my chasuble in the bunch. He's off message, saying Catholics need to stop obsesing about homosexuals, abortions and contraception. For Pete's sake, we need something to be obsesed  about now that Breaking Bad is over. And the Pope is constantly talking about how the Church doesn't need to be so dogmatic or hierarchical. Which forces me to ask the eternal question: 'Is the Pope Catholic?' and if not, where are bears going to the bathroom? But I have to tell you, the thing that really chafes my narthex... Being Catholic is being the admiral in the admiral's club of Christianity. Membership has it's privileges. But if Atheists can be redeemed, who's next? Lutherans? It's madness. I, for one, do not think Catholics should have to take this sitting down, then standing up, then kneeling, then standing up again.

But, I'm sorry, I should not be complaining. Tonight is a celebration, and we all have a wonderful evening. Did you enyoed your meal? Yes. They gave you black tie people a box lunch or something, didn't they? I hope. Now, I should mention that due to the recent government shutdown, none of the food tonight was inspected. In fact, that salmon appetizer wasn't actually smoked, it just swam too close to a Koch Brothers factory. But I loved it, still delicious. I loved that, I love the potatoes. Speaking of the potatoes, Chris Matthews is here. Good to see you, Chris, how are you? Everybody knows, Chris is host of hardball. I've got some good news, Chris, it turns out that having hardball is now covered by Obamacare. Now, I'm fighting the urge to tap dance in this outfit.

Governer Cuomo is here. Governor, your excellency, an honor to be here on the stage with you. I didn’t know how you could possibly tear yourself away from the excitement that is Albany on a Thursday evening. I believe it's all-you-can-eat iceberg lettuce night at the Sizzler. Sir, I hope you know, I don't know if you read the New York Post, it's a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, I'm going to say - newspaper. Donald Trump is coming after your job. Sir, sir, listen, if you find orange bronzer stains on your office doorknob, just get out of there.

So many other impresive people on tonight's dais, Alfred L. Kelly, the CEO of Superbowl 48. Yeah, go ahead, give it up. You should, cuz as they call it Superbowl XLVIII, the Catholic Church and the Superbowl are the only ones keeping Roman numerals relevant. Thank you for that. Also, Kevin Burke, president of Con Ed is here tonight, or at least they said he'll be here between hours of 8 a.m. and 10 p.m. Just wait for him, he's comming. Ray Kelly is with us tonight, have are you Ray? I'm huge fan of Ray Kelly, good to see you. Always wonderful to see Ray at these events. Are you here alone tonight, or did you bring whole biker gang? OK. It's for charity. It's for charity, he's a big boy. I'm in trouble. Alright. I've change my door locks. Alright. Future mayor of New York City Christine Quinn is with us tonight. I’m sorry, I wrote that a long time ago. I apologize. Is she here? She’s not here. I thought she was a shoo-in, I really did. I mean, New York City is the only place in the world where the lesbian candidate was too conservative. CBS anchor Scott Pelley is here tonight. A newsmen's newsmen, a true trowback to the days of Edward Murrow, if Murrow could bench 265. Did anyone seen that '60 Minutes' wait room interview he did with Hugh Jackman? Just a skin tight t-shirt with rock hard nipples you can use to tune in Radio Moscow. This is London calling... I don't know why are you not showing of the goods tonight, Scott. I'm mean, the invitment said white tie, it didn't said anything about the shirt. Next year just go topless, with just collar and cuffs, like a Chippendales anchor. I want to give big congradulations again tonight to The Happy Warrior award recipient Bank of the America's Brian T. Moynihan. Good for you. Exelent job, exelent job, it's a... I was happy to learn he actually works for Bank of the America. Because, when I heard Bank of the America's Brian T. Moynihan, I asummed they simply bought his naming rights. Your jokes were better than that one. Did that just to make you feel better.

But enough jokes, enough jokes, because in all seriousness, tonight is really about the littlest among us, speaking of which, is Mayor Bloomberg here? Mayor Bloomberg, I can't... Can you stand on your chair or something? Or wave something, sir? I can't - he’s a wonderful mayor. You're a wonderful mayor, sir. You're very patient, very patient with such jokes, very patient man, and also very tiny, very tiny man. The real reason he doesn’t want drink cups larger than 16 ounces is because he's afraid he might drown in one. I'm not getting paid for this. Do I get a plenary indulgence or anything? Good, alright, thank you. But of course, the real little ones are the children in need, of which our city has far too many. And it has been my honor, my deep, true and sincere honor to be here tonight with all of you trully generous New Yorkers, who have come together for 68 years to do good for those who needs as much. You have housed children, you have fed the children, and once again tonight, you have raised millions to address a variety of health care crises, and hopefully a large portion of this year's money will go toward fixing the Obamacare website.

Cardinal Dolan, thank you for the honor of adressing this dinner, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Good night.

Cardinal Dolan:

Thanks everybody. Leave laughing, that was my dad's definition of an enjoyable and succesful evening. To leave laughing. And that's sure what we've been about this evening, right? For 68 years, this has been an evening of joy and friendship and faith and charity to others. And our joy this evening is deepend as we've honored a most estemed and caring bussines and community leader Brian Moynihan, this year's Happy Warrior recipient. Brian, thanks to you and your friends, over a million dollars was brought at this evening's three million dollars benefaction. Thank you. Our joy has been enhanced by the company of so many distinguished guests, leaders, and a Church, and a public service, and goverment, and bussines, and jurnalisam, the media, philanthropy, education, and community. Our joy is high as we realise our laughter is gonna bring smiles to children and they moms in need. As three million dollars goes out to the aclaimed programs of help and healing, education and service through the aclaimed Alfred E. Smith Foundation. All of it, every single penny profit from this evening's event since the board has so generously underwriten  all the expenses. Board, thank you. And our joy is deep, my friends, because as our speaker remarked last year at Fordham University, quote: ''A sense of humor comes from faith. Faith that everything is in God's providential hands, a faith which frees us up to laugh.'' Thank you, Stephen Colbert. So everybody, my pleasent task is simply to thank God, to thank God as we leave laughing, placing our guests, our honorees, our speaker, our board, the children we love and help, the city that we love, the country we cherrish, the families to which we're now gonna return safely in his providential hands throu Christ, our Lord. Amen. Thank God, thank you, good night and God bless.