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-6 Steps to Achieving True Intimacy With Another Person

According to Cheryl A. MacDonald, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in San Diego and the author of Health Psychology for Everyday Life, there are several ways to build trust and achieve intimacy. These include:

1.Be honest. Trust is the bedrock for all true intimacy.
2.Strive for mutual and considerate communication. When your partner or friend speaks, be fully present, not doing grocery lists in your head (or on your phone). When you speak, use declarative sentences that describe your perspective rather than assign blame (“I feel … ,” not “You always … !”).
3.Remember that intimacy takes time. It’s not something you can download an app for. You have to spend time together, slowly getting to know and feel comfortable with each other.
4.Give each other room to breathe. Everyone needs alone time and space to process life. Don’t think if you aren’t together every second that something is wrong.
5.Have fun together. Not every encounter has to be intensely meaningful or serious.
6.Accept your partner, accept yourself. No one is perfect. You can’t get close to someone if you are negatively judging them or yourself.

Is It Possible to Have Intimacy While Practicing Celibacy and Abstinence?
You don’t have to be in an exclusive relationship to experience intimacy. “You can be intimate with your friends, or with multiple sexual partners,” says Krychman. If you are in a relationship but are uninterested in or unable to have sex, you can still reap the benefits of intimacy, he adds. “Sex is a physical act. Intimacy is emotional. For example, men who can’t get an erection after extensive cancer can be intimate both emotionally and physically,” he explains.

Still Having Trouble Making or Strengthening Connections?
It’s important to remember that there are different forms of intimacy, and people have different needs, says Krychman. For example, in a relationship, one partner may desire a more sexual relationship, while another may crave more emotional intimacy. “Everyone defines their own normal, and it’s very rare that people have the same needs,” says Krychman.

If you feel like you need more intimacy in your relationship, start by talking to your partner about what might be missing, he advises. Then, consider seeing a psychotherapist or a sex therapist. Either one can help you understand the intimacy issues you may be experiencing individually or in your relationship. You can find licensed therapists in your area at American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) or the American Academy of Psychotherapists.

Touch can strongly transmit a sense of being accepted and cared for — the emotional benefits. Touch also confers physiological benefits. In one study, partners were found to have lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, on days when they enjoyed higher levels of physical touch like hand holding or hugging.2 (High levels of cortisol have been found to increase heart rate and blood pressure.) The researchers believe that it's the positive emotions stemming from physical touch — feeling content, feeling relaxed, feeling alert — that lead directly to lower cortisol levels. Another study found that when people enjoyed increases in physically intimate behaviors over a number of days, they experienced subsequent decreases in symptoms of physical problems (back/muscle ache, headache, insomnia, upset stomach, rash/skin irritation, and sick/injured.)3 A third study found that regular and repeated physical touch was linked to increased oxytocin (a soothing, well being-promoting hormone), lower cortisol levels for both partners, and lower blood pressure among husbands.