Hi, reader! 

This is a recap of a lot 've written over the past 1,5 years. (writing as of march 2019). Maybe you'll find it interesting.

The first part is what I've written on the RSDnation forums in the late part of 2017 and early 2018 (somehow that forum is down right now for quite a while, but I've managed). The second part is about some notes I took during the previous year (2018)

Enjoy!

 

Posted September 21st, 2017 at 7:07 PM 

Skanzi

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/05/2013 | Posts: 184

 

Pre-edit: besides sharing my thoughts and actions regarding success with women here, I will also probably make some side notes as to other thoughts, feelings, events and actions take place in my life. Pretty much make it more dairy-like than necessarily only describing experiences with game and women. Because why not? Some people may enjoy reading a bit more in-depth about me.

 

There's a TL;DR version at the bottom do you happen to find all this text too weary and long to read.

 

Lets recap on the past, shall we. It's quite relevant, much of it at least. In early 2013 i had a breakdown about a month after i turned 18. One day i started suffering from panic attacks that seemed to come out of the blue. It were really really difficult times but I was determined to get out of it. It was the biggest turning point in my life, and probably will remain like that forever since it completely changed the trajectory of my life, my interests, my viewpoints. Whilst I was working on myself during the months that followed to get out of my panic attacks using a program which I stuck to, as I was getting out of my panic attacks I grew increasingly frustrated over my lack of skills with women, perhaps because prior to that my attention was too much sucked up Being a virgin at that point never even having kissed a woman, It sometimes infuriated me seeing lovers together, people kissing, or hearing stories of guys having success on a night out. It really, really gnawed on me. So i started to look up what I could do about it, how I could be successful with women. I first found out about SimplePickup. They encouraged me to do my first ever approach on a woman in the park. Fuck, I still remember. Was I nervous. But I did it and was really glad I did.

 

Over the next couple of months I at some point found out at RSD through the SimplePickup forums. I was even more interested in RSD since they went more in-depth into not only the outer technique but also the inner aspect of game. During those few months, I really tried hard but to no real avail. Possibly being recognized by some in the venue as "that creepy guy", a thought that lay heavy on me. I was always stuck in my head, much in confusion and hesitation, being robotic when I did approach. No matter what I did I did not seem to be able to simply enjoy an interaction with a beautiful girl, or any girl for that matter that I approached, and thus no real success either.

 

I can really only remember one success story from that time. It was at a friends student organization I was part of. There was a party. For some reason, I felt extra pressure to perform that njght. I remember my friend reassuring me that this night I would make it happen. Even though I was still in much self-doubt due to my history of failures with girls, some part of me believed him, wanted to believe him. And so it happened to be true. There was this one girl I started to dance with there and we went outside were I felt aroused and we started to kiss. Why did I succeed this time and not all the times prior to that? I suppose it was the power of sheer determination. I took her home, partially because she herself already said she needed a place to sleep for the night. Was it synchronization, a meeting arranged by the higher forces, did she say it because she was interested in me or did she need a place to stay in the first place? Perhaps a combination of these, but we'll never know for sure.

Regardless we ended up having sex, that was the first time I had sex excluding the two hookers I had sex with in the months prior to that (one of them took my virginity. Both of them left me feeling more frustrated than prior to when I had gone there). But after our meeting we did stay in contact but I noticed that the effects of my strong attachment came back to me. We had one meeting after that, but she started to become flaky, I started to become needy, demanding. She wasn't responding (over text) the way I hoped she would. So much of my energy I spent trying to come up with something clever that would get her interest back in me, but to no avail. It was another really frustrating experience. This taught me that even if you do get some success it will not just automatically get you in an upwards spiral. No matter what happens on the outer level, if you don't have yourself sorted out, you will encounter frustrations again and again..

 

Then, one day, one evening rather, feeling already very frustrated I tried out a technique that from the beginning seemed like a good idea. Just say to a passing girl if I can use their phone to make a call, and then put your number in it. On video it seemed smooth and like a good trick. So I thought this I could try. So I went to downtown and found two girls I could do it with. There were actually quite a bit of problems with the phone which let it took a few minutes before I could get the phone in my hands, but they were nice and cooperative. And instead of saying "oh I was going to try a little trick, not really going to try to make a phone call so if it's too much effort you can just leave it", I waited until I could finally get the girl's phone and put my number in it and with a dorky face said "Hey i just put my number in your phone. Contact me!". They were, understandably, quite angry at me. I for once suddenly grasped my stupidity, the stupidity of all my frustrated efforts of desperation, and felt like I wanted to get hit by a bus, that I wanted to completely vanish from this earth. I felt so ashamed, so embarrased. I gave up pickup, only wanting to return to it once I could do so happily, joyfully. And I wasn't, I couldn't, so I quit it.

But during all the time since then this feeling of desire, this attachment to once get back into it —sometimes quite distracting, sometimes rarely noticable but still there— has never really completely left me, even though I had said many times to myself that my craving for women will just turn into simple desire without attachment if I really just focus on the inner aspects

 

Over the next few years my attention, interests and beliefs shifted. I went to a volunteer trip to Cambodia, I started to become interested in spirituality, esotery and metaphysics, I started reading books concerning other means of self-development, then started reading Eckhart Tolle, I started to go to public speaking classes, I started to meditate a lot, in fact I quite forcefully meditated for hours in a very painful leg position on some days in mid 2014, vipassana style, being very very convinced that this was the way and thus pushing myself very far, saying to myself "I must go on! I must! I must", going as far as I could go. It's funny how at the moment that seems so much like the only right thing to do, that that would be the way. but also that I quit. In the fall of 2014 I made my last attempt of strong discipline: I went on a hitchhiking trip with no money of myself for a month through europe. It was difficult and I lost some weight, but I was glad I did it. Once I got back, though, I absolutely started to indulge in eating lots and lots of foods and snacks (which you could argue was necessary with being underweight from the trip), and I started  to very peacefully indulge in playing rollercoaster tycoon 2. This shift marked the end of my disciplinary phase during 2013 and 2014.

 

During the next few years, basically the last bit of 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2017 until about 1/2 months ago I came into a period of lots and lots of indulgence, laziness, sleepiness and sloth, but my studies in spirituality, the esoteric, the supernatural and the weird and wacky continued. Basically I was just gaming most of the time, or watching youtube videos, living at my parents' home, forsaking almost all responsibilities or even cooperation — to great distress of my parents. I had tried to get back into some disciplines or some activities outside of my lazy routing, but to no avail. So I just surrendered to it and accepted my laziness. For most of 2016 and particulary 2015 it was actually quite a relaxing life, being a relief of the stressful and frustrating years I had before. Being lazy and sleepy was comfortable, at least in relative terms. But even though I was through my studies in the spiritual and supernatural becoming much wiser (or perhaps we should say, "knowledgeable"), I still realized somewhere in the back of my mind that this lazy life wasn't one that could last forever. The sense that I was supposed to be doing something, that life was losing its meaning and depth and an increasing sense of boredom and dullness started to gnaw on me during the course of 2016. I had one thing in mind though of what I could do once I felt ready for it. During an Osho festival in early 2015 i came to know through the website about a guy called Ozen Rajneesh, which I saw quite a lot of similarities to with Osho, but at least he was currently alive. That's the person I had in mind I would go to would things get too rough.

 

So earlier this year, after an increasing sense of boredom and lack of meaning took over me, I hit a point, initiated by sexual frustration —much of which I feel the same right now, which is why I'm on these forums again— that made me decide to go to Mexico where he and his community were to be there, to hopefully be drawn into his grace, that I could feel something of love and surrender and learn to be peaceful there. That was the plan. But it was not the case. In actuality, I was rejected there initially because I wasn't willing to volunteer, or at least to commit to it, because I was too uncertain and doubtful about whether I was able to commit to volunteering after all this laziness. It's funny how it went. Me, being stubborn as I was taking absolutely no rejection (because I had no back-up plan, I was rather desperate), with very little money, went to Mexico despite there already being much disappointments about what they required from me. Only after I had arrived in Mexico and when I travelled to the place did I find out they did not accept me being there. Beforehand, I had still thought that I could be there for 50$ a day and then I would stay about 3 days a month (I was very low on money), but I found soon out that this Ozen Rajneesh had rejected my coming altogether. Being baffled once I arrived there in the community, I was told that I was informed about this. I genuinly said that I knew nothing about it. Turns out that we were both right, I simply had not opened my mailbox since the time I got the email in which I was told that I wasn't welcome. So with no choice, I left, and went back to my initial airBnB adress.

 

The following days were rather difficult. I tried to accept my situation and surrender to existence's will but it was very difficult. We and that Ozen Rajneesh guy still had some email-contact. I said to him that it was very painful for me that he rejected me, but that I was willing, or at least trying to accept that this was the way it was. In response, he said that If I was really willing to that I could still volunteer. I said that I could not possibly leave this oppurtunity to rest, but I had much doubts, which I didn't utter in the response, since I sensed that my doubts were the reason for the rejection in the first place. I had to try this, had to do this, it was the only way.

 

In the next few days, I went there back to the community and tried to volunteer... tried. I felt —besides the usual sloth I had become much too accustomed to— a sense of dissatisfaction, that I wasn't feeling any different, that nothing was changing. This sense already overwhelmed me on the third day of work, leaving me unable to do any more labour because I was too distracted by anxiety. So realizing that this place wasn't going to give me anything without me not having tackled my inner demons, I had no choice but to leave.

 

In the next few months I just wandered around Mexico in Quintana Roo and Yucatan (areas in and around Merida, Cancun and Playa del Carmen if you're familiar), really having no purpose and no idea what to do. I tried some mindful and meditative practices, but always found myself quickly overwhelmed by doubts and confusion, something that became my loyal companion during my time there. What could I do? I just lay in bed most of the day in my AirBnB address, distracted myself by watching youtube videos, or walked aimlessly around the streets, slowly sinking more and more in a deeping sense of dullness, of boredom, of meaninglessness, feeling lost... deepening, deepening.

 

Eventually I reached a point after having watched a youtube video where I just felt this intense sense of pain, on top of the large amount of pain I already had experienced in the past months, and particulary that past week. Something had to change, something had to be done, I said to myself. Something, something... First I tried to meditatie in furocious fashion, trying to be absolutely determined that I would experience some kind of awakening... Then I enacted a plan where I went far down a beach of a peninsula, seeking solitude, of an island of which I had said that I wouldn't leave that island until either I had experienced a transformational experience or I died... Didn't work. There were so many biting insects there —gadflies, mosquitoes, and at sunset hundreds of painful no-see-ums all over my body— that I, almost feeling like I would go mad, decided in utter frustration to go back to the town of the peninsula, where I had no money because I had thrown it all away, so I slept on the beach on a lawnchair.

 

Next, I became suicidal, but the suicidality was another technique, so to say. I didn't really want to kill myself, I simply reasoned that perhaps if I pushed my suffering so far that at the verge of me committing suicide I would have some sort of awakening. I didn't know what else to do so the reasoning "I must reach absolute despair before I can transform" took over my psyche. I heard it happened that way to another few people who experienced awakening at their lowest moment... So I tried to push it... First off, I held a knife to my throat to see how it would feel. Yes, seeing myself in the mirror like that brought me to great despair, but without any particulary awakening. Next, I traveled back to the community I tried to be at when I first traveled to Mexico, to hopefully have this Ozen Rajneesh guy give some advice, or just give me something that would get me out of this mess. I used so much money of the little money I had on the taxi because it was quite a far trip, but I reasoned that I couldn't be afraid of losing money if I either were to transform or kill myself, since in both cases it wouldn't really matter anymore. But at my unannounced arrival something funny happened... It was dark, nobody had noticed me... and my plan was to knock on that door of that Ozen Rajneesh guy and see if he could transform me somehow... But it didn't feel right. The thought came to me: "well maybe existence wants me to commit suicide, maybe it's simply meant to be". And then, with suddenly nothing to hope for anymore, with being okay with idea of suicide, I suddenly felt simply relaxed and peaceful. In the buddha-hall of that place, still not having been noticed, I laughed. The whole thing was so absurd... I had tried and tried and tried in many ways to be happy, and now that I had nothing to hope for anymore, no plan to save myself anymore, I was simply and effortlessly peaceful. How impossible, it seemed.

 

It didn't last though, it was merely a glimpse. I had thought that maybe from now on I could go on, so I went back to my old airBnB address again, but soon, after a few days, I found myself in the same rut again where this feeling of desperation and confusion took hold over me again. Now what? I decided to go back to this Ozen Rajneesh guy again to ask him for advice.  After all, I hadn't talked to him the previous time. So I traveled to that place again, this time taking the more inexpensive bus, and tried to talk to him once more. I however decided after experiencing a mix of emotions and ideas that it was better just to ask if I could sleep there for the night in the community. I didn't really know how else I could speak to him. After some hesitation, I knocked on his door to be greeted by his voice. He asked —without opening the door— who I was and what my business here was. I answered him and soon I found myself accompanied out by two of his trusted workers out of the place. Great... now what?

 

The next week or so I spent between hell and earth in a hostel in Playa del Carmen, being very suicidal. I had bought a small ladder and rope and set them down in the woods, since doing it with a knife felt too scary for me. I also considered jumping from a high building there, which I had also tried. I really wanted it to be quick and effective. At the last few days I tried to commit suicide multiple times a day, it being basically the only thing that still came to mind that could release me from this hell I was in. Either that or that I would somehow experience this total transformation whilst being on the edge of suicide... something I was still secretly hoping for, which is probably the main thing that prevented me from actually completing the suicide, coupled with great amounts of fear.

 

It all didn't work. I wasn't transformed and I was still suicidal... what now? I decided that I had to say to myself that now I must commit... commit to either suicide or to transformation. So what I said at that point is that I would go when the moon was at its fullest (because i'm a bit superstitious, thinking that in that way the events would somehow synchronize in a divine way), which was 2 days from that point, and then go with a knife to the beach and either come back the day after transformed or dead. Now no more games anymore...

 

But the fear and stress was simply too much.I couldn't even wait these 2 days, I started to experience panic with the thought that now I was seriously commited and thus could end up actually killing myself. Previously, I wasn't really committed but I wanted to tempt fate. Now, I knew I would be committed which terrified me. Everything terrified me, even the cold. I was so sensitive to even the slightest discomfort, which I found strange because why would it matter if I was that close to suicide? But it was true, everything was terrifying.

 

I didn't end up going there. The pain and fear forced me to take a look at my beliefs that said "you must come to the point of utter despair to transform!" and I tried to watch them, now with utter dedication. I had to, felt like no choice left. Just through utter dedication I felt like I could disidentify from it a little bit. I, at this point, didn't know it anymore. Maybe there was a way of transforming without it being sudden and abrupt but I wasn't sure. Now what should I do? I felt utterly confused, but not determined anymore to commit suicide.

 

I went once again back to my old airBnB address, which my monthly reservation was still active (plus, all my stuff was there), and tried to —through strong willpower— try to be present all the time. I really tried but it just didn't seem to be working, it didn't seem to be something I could hold on to. Once again I started to slide back into despair... A few days later it got so grim that I finally had to disidentify with the belief that "I need to reach utter despair for transformation, I need more pain", and go back through the more gradual way of getting myself back up again, but this time letting go of the belief that the transformation had to be sudden and abrupt. That was the most important change, I accepted that things were difficult —and were going to be difficult for a while still—, but that I could get out of it by persistence, but more importantly, patience. That was the key to finding the way back up again: letting go of a destructive belief and being more patient and thereby found back my power of acceptance.

 

That period of suicidality I was talking about was late july and early august this year, so it started about 2 months ago. I'm back in the Netherlands, my home country, about 10 days now. Even though since I started to recover again it's still been pretty difficult, particulary at the start. I must say I've recovered faster than expected, considering the breakdown that happened nearly 5 years ago took a lot slower to build back up from. I reckon that back then, there was in a sense more naivety and in another sense more trust or faith that the particular thing or technique I was interested in would offer me salvation. I know for one am wiser to know that for instance good nutrition is helpful, but is not "it" that can bring you salvation. It is helpful, but not "it". I am now quicker to realize when something doesn't work for me anymore, as opposed to the past were I was way too stubborn and only stopped with stopped when I had absolutely frustrated myself. I seem to be getting interested in much of the same concepts I was interested in before my breakdown this year, but I seem to recognize where my sticking points are at a much faster rate than before. I can now recognize much easier when I start to go into illusions as opposed to before my breakdown. I have better eyes than before

 

I also now know both discipline and laziness or "letting go" both have its place, but that neither you can maintain forever. You can not be disciplined forever, and neither can you be lazy forever, nor should you try to hold on to either for as long as you can. When I feel like being disciplinary, whether it's out of frustration or simply because there's lots of energy, I simply discipline myself. When I feel like being lazy or complacent I allow that, if it feels right. That's how I live now, I try to neither attach myself to one particular viewpoint too much, but I do use the energy for great discipline when it's there.

 

While I do seem to notice that I learn from my mistakes faster now, it is however frustrating to realize that I encounter the same kind of pains and frustrations but also interests as I experienced before my breakdown this year. Even the similair interests are disturbing because it makes me feel as if I have accomplished nothing... Again looking into how I can manage nutrition and exercise the best, again looking into alternative healing methods, again becoming sexually frustrated and starting to crave women, and feeling unable to interact properly with them again, again looking into many different meditation methods, again looking up taoist sexual transformation methods... Do you get what I mean? If I had given them up before, these practices, ideas and exercises that I now realize did have a certain merit to them, will I eventually give them up again?

It's the fear that... I would repeat the cycle in the exact same way where I try a lot of things, fail, get frustrated, stop it, become lazy and complacent, then become dull and bored, life starts losing meaning again, then I become depressed or suicidal again, and then once again the cycle would repeat itself... That's what I'm afraid of. This time, I want to experience the depth of what it means to be successfully managing or executing nutrition, pickup, taoist practices, exercise etc... I'm not saying that it shouldn't be possible anymore to encounter another breakdown a few years from now, perhaps that will be part of life, but at least in between I want to grasp the depth of all these practices and ideas, and not simply give them up prematurely because my attention shifts so rapidly. And preferably I don't want to have one of these cycles anymore where it goes like this over the course of a few years: Become active, do and try a lot of things, either get frustrated with one thing or too obsessed with another that I do not give the first thing a fair try to reach its depth, then eventually become tired of all my efforts and become lazy, then start feeling futility of life again, then have another breakdown. I don't want to cling to either laziness or discipline too much anymore, not that once cycle of each would last more than a year, like it previously had. I want to achieve that balance, and I want to achieve it now.

 

Anyway, I recently started becoming interested in doing pickup again, now hopefully more in a effective or at least more peaceful manner as before. I will explain a little bit more about it in the next post as to why I want to do pickup again. I will log my actions and ideas about it in the upcoming time, is the idea at least. This may change, we'll just see. I'll see if i continue this log througout the upcoming time

 

TL;DR

breakdown in early 2013, started becoming very active with trying a lot of things including pickup, gave pickup up out of frustration end 2013, started to pursue a couple of different ideas and practices still throughout 2014, end of 2014 I started becoming lazy and complacent, which continued through 2015 and 2016, in 2017 i started feeling a lack of depth in life, which led me to another breakdown that started around 2 months ago. Now picking myself back up again and just today I had the realization that it's probably best to start doing the practice of pickup again, which I will try to log here.

 

Posted September 21st, 2017 at 8:36 PM Report | #1

 

For more of a backstory behind this one, read the post above. even the TL;DR gives you enough information, I reckon. After making some attempts with taoist sexuality transformation methods throughout the past week, trying to mitigate this sexual frustration I've been feeling, I've today come to the conclusion that that practice alone can not likely or at least anytime soon free me from this gnawing sense that I want to have many sexual experiences with women. However, there is a lot of both old residual emotions and ego-resistance regarding the practice in which one could go out and meet women in the street, at the park or in the club, otherwise referred to as: pickup. I had previously rationalized that I needed to work on myself first before I could go back into success with women again, since I argued that I first needed to get rid of these feelings of resistance. And then I am not necessarily talking about the regular fear that everybody perhaps has when approaching a woman after not doing it a long time. What I argued for myself I should be experiencing was either a pleasure arisen out of spontaneous action or some sort of motivation, or goal that I could pursue that would give me a sense of satisfaction talking to these women. I experienced neither before today. Because I had tried before approach women but I left the conversation more frustrated and drained as before I entered it, certainly not something that can be the idea.

 

Day 1:

 

Today however, I found back in myself again a bit of this motivation to speak to women again. Part of it was from the realization that the main factor from blocking me from experiencing the joy and pleasure of interacting with women was lots and lots of hesitation and doubt. This I wanted to prioritize today. In the past I had become accustomed to being hesitant and thus I tired myself out from decision-making fatigue. Always was it not good enough, she was not pretty enough, or she was with a friend, or with a mother... all things I backed away from, which left me in the end tired from decision-making fatigue. Always judging if this girl or set is appropiate... can i do it? should it do it? Should I be doing this pickup thing at all? All these doubts and hesitations weigh heavy on you. I recognized today this being one of the, if not THE main factor of what blocked me from enjoying interactions with women. The first plan was, because I wanted to start of slow, to cycle as fast as I can to the supermarket and approach the first midly attractive woman I see. I wanted to be sincere, and I don't like random conversations. It's really not within my intent either, so I decided to either ask for a date, a number, or, if she at approach didn't appear attractive enough, It felt appropiate to say "Oh i actually wanted to ask a question but I don't feel like i don't need to ask that question anymore". I didn't want to be as direct and rude to say that she wasn't attractive enough for my personal taste to not ask her for a date or a number. That I found to be the most difficult thing... What if I approached a girl I didn't really want to approach? I like to be sincere, but I don't want to hurt the poor girl's feelings... Then saying that I wanted to ask a question that now I don't want to ask anymore, it's... better but still a bit lame. And she could possibly sense that I was trying to romance initially, feeling rejected regardless. Well, here we go hesitating again lol. Regardless I feel like that's the best approach. I could still try to ask her for her number, but perhaps men and society share a common ground as to what we consider to be attractive, therefore the girl would know her identity as being reasonably unattractive by society and thereby would sense my insincerity through me asking her number, asked by a reasonably attractive chap. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Here I go again! These are all afterthoughts, though. Luckily during my actions of today these thoughts did not gain enough foothold in me to completely cripple me with doubt.

 

No hesitation, go! That was the most important attitude, I realized. DON'T... HESITATE. Well, I did hesitate, but I at least didn't get too stuck in doubt if what i was doing was "the right thing", whether or not "should i be doing this", which was previously the main factor for paralyzing me. I kept the fire active, even though i hesitated, but I didn't allow the energy of doubt to get a good foothold in my mind. I did it by running, in fact, or cycliing like a madman (and running and cycling past my initial target), trying to be ahead of my mind and doubts.

 

It took some time before i actually approached a girl I committed to asking out. I had said "hello" to one or two girls before or so, but I certainly wasn't satisfied, even though I really had the only girl to approach one girl today in whatever manner. I followed a girl into a shop, where my idea was to ask her on a date there. But... I was too scared again and hesitated. Then she was at the counter... well, i certainly didn't want to ask her at the counter, I thought. So I thought to myself it is best to ground myself in trying to be aware of my body/breath whilst i was waiting and keeping a glance from a distance at the counter. The most important thing was to not let the energy settle inside my head, which it naturally had a strong tendency to. I said that it was okay to wait sometimes, as long as it was a fully committed decision. That was even more important of a focus point than not leaving no time in between interactions, I thought. Simply being okay with whatever you choose to do, waiting or immediately taking action given whatever circumstance.

 

So I stood there waiting for this girl to finish her business at the counter... I waited... waited... even though there weren't many people in line it was taking a few minutes already, I didn't have direct sight at the counter but I did have sight at the exit door. Finally, after a much longer time than expected, she left the door and went. I followed her, running once again to stay ahead of my mind, and tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she wanted to have a drink with me. I know that the lack of any conversation beforehand could decrease your chances of getting success by a lot, but I really don't feel much like a talker, and neither is talking a lot something I enjoy doing, so at least asking for a date is true to my intent. If I forced a conversation, i felt (besides feeling much too nervous to commit to that anyways) it would simply turn more awkward. Perhaps later, but now engaging in longer conversations seems like a bad idea.

 

Anyways, the girl said she had a boyfriend. In a kind way, but she did (pretend to) have a boyfriend. I had thought before on how to respond to this, just a funny reply: "well perhaps you'd be interested in two boyfriends!". I grinned as I said it, she laughed too, but she didn't want to comply. It was fine. just glad I did it.

 

When I came back home from my only goal for the day, though, I still felt this yearning to do more. So i decided to approach 4 more girls in rapid succession, where allowing as little time in between interactions was my main priority, not the quality of the conversation, even if it was just on my side. So i said to myself that I would approach any decently attractive girl not too far from my age range and would just ask number, date, time, or say that  on second thought I didn't want to ask a question after all and leave it with that. I decided to go with bike and go to almost any decently looking girl I saw, biking fast, trying to stay ahead of my mind.

Doing this with rapid succession was my main priority, not keeping a girl engaged for a longer time. First girl: just some mother with a cradle. Even though I knew she probably would be a bit too old for me, I still approached her and said that I wanted to ask a question I now didn't want to ask anymore. Seemed a bit inauthentic perhaps, but whatever. Next up, girl on the bike i came next to her asked her for the time, she didn't know it. Next I kept cycliing and saw a rather tall girl going down a street, I followed her a bit, but this time I was a bit more nervous because I knew I now wanted to ask for number or date. I went ahead of her first, trying to gather some courage, but she took a turn which I didn't realize and disappeared. Next, another girl came by and I followed her and did ask if she wanted to have a drink, in which she refused. ah well. I can't remember the fourth one but I must have done a fourth... hmmm...

 

That was it for today. Whilst I am glad I did what I did today it does raise some concerns... I can keep doing my motions in machine-gun rapid-fire succession, which does help eliminate hesitation, which has admittedly been one if not my biggest sticking point in the past, but that is rather robot-like and makes me feel like I can not connect to the girl that way. I also have much self-doubts about whether i have to go through this arduous frustrating process of getting much rejections again because i'm either robot-like or too stuck in my head, which the same attitude also makes me feel self-concious about people regarding me as "that creep", an identity I really do not want to have.

 

*Sigh*... I am so frustrated that it's gotta be so hard. What I would like SOOO much is that I would simply go about doing my daily business, then see a lovely beautiful girl, and then without hesitation and purely spontaneous walk up to her and in a relaxed manner just ask for her number or a date or even have a conversation if I feel like it. Right now, I feel like I don't connect with other people well enough to be interested in them to have a conversation. One of the traits of autism that in this case bothers me quite. Rather be direct and short whilst being authentic than trying to prolong a conversation I do not want to have, though. Why can't I just without thought walk up to a girl I like and do or say what I want and make it all no big deal, even if she rejects my proposals. God, why can't I just do that? Instead, I get way too stuck in my head thinking about whether I should do it or not. Even when i'm off-duty, so to say. It sounds perfectly natural that after i have done my number of approaches that I can just simply go to the supermarket like I did today and there see if there would be any girl that would be worthwhile approaching, just something I would like to do as a spontaneous act, but not something I had to do. Just something I could do if i felt like it, if I enjoyed it. Freedom of choice. The theory would suggest that that freedom to choose makes me want to assume a relaxed attitude about it. In reality, at the supermarket I am just looking around to see if there is any girl worthwhile approaching, instead of just going about my business and then if an attractive girl would catch my eye (without me actively searching for one) I could approach her, but wouldn't have to. The idea alone that I could spontaneously approach is already too distracting for me... *Sigh*...

 

I'll get it, whatever, it takes time. Other people did it, uglier people did it, people with speech impediments have done it, people with a worse background have done it, people in a more dangerous environment have done it, people who have been just as stuck in my head as I am, or even more (which pretty much sounds impossible) have done it. All I can do is be intelligent about the way I set my steps and realize where my sticking points are, and see when something is not working for me anymore.

 

Next day... Erm...I'm glad to have done this rapid-fire technique today, but I don't feel like repeating it. I feel too robot-like, even though it does get me a bit out of hesitation. Perhaps tomorrow I try to hold a conversation just a little bit longer, ask her just a few general questions about herself. Not something to stay put at but perhaps good for now, just to try connect with the girl a little bit more instead of moving on from target to target like some sort of terminator.

 

Posted September 22nd, 2017 at 2:05 PM Report | #2

 

I post this much earlier than yesterday, but I feel like I'm done for today. Initially the focus was to SLOW DOWN, what the idea was at the beginning of the day. During the day, ideas kept developing. One thing I wanted to work on was FOCUSING, not getting too distracted by doubt "whether I should do it or not". So this was my first practice: going to the library to get a book, and whilst keeping the concept open that I could approach a girl if I wanted to, I only had a second to make a decision whether I would or not, or 5 seconds at most if the doubt was through circumstances a bit more, but no more than that. This has been one of my big issues in the past: Wondering whether I should approach or not, and then, besides not approaching anyways, it also left me feel guilty. But not approaching was not the point, the doubt and guilt was. That's why in the past few years (after the active gaming period of the second half of 2013) I had always tried to rationalize for myself that I didn't need to do it, that I shouldn't approach if I wasn't committed to it. I did this simply to not have to feel doubtful and guilty.

 

But now, after I already started doing daily challenges where I did approach since yesterday, I had more motive to stay focused in the present moment and not have to feel guilty if I decided not to approach if I didn't feel like it, because I already have certain set challenges during another part of the day where I do approach. When I set out for myself the challenge to approach in whatever way and fashion, then I do approach. For the rest of the day I have freedom of choice. Previously, before I started doing this yesterday, there was always this deeper lying sense of guilt that I wasn't doing game anymore. Now I am doing game again so it's for me incentive to not get distracted by guilt and doubt anymore. It's easier now to make split-second decisions, and then let it go. Easier, I say, but not easy. Boy, was my trip to the library something... I had to speak to myself on the bike the activity I was doing to not get too distracted: "cycling, cycling... waiting for traffic light, waiting... cycling, clycling.... walking, walking... going to bookcase... getting book... going to counter... walking... cycling... cycling...". Those were the things I would say to myself to keep me rooted in the present. Like I said, I did not exclude a possibility for me to approach a girl, but I only wanted to do that as a present moment, instantaneous decision, not something I was looking for, or thought of beforehand. And I only had 1 second to decide, 5 seconds at most. It was actually a trip that was very hard for me to focus, I noticed in myself the behaviour of blinking very rapidly after my mind got distracted, which seemed like a physical behaviour that was accompanied with me trying to focus and retain my roots in the present moment. In the end, I did not approach a woman, but that was fine. It was not the goal anyways, not for this challenge.

 

Later this day, not even 2 hours ago, I had the plan to take on my running shoes and clothes and instantly approach and run to the first woman I saw (under 40 and above 14 I guess, as far as I could judge on a quick glimpse) and try to hold a 2-minute improvisational conversation. Boy... had I misjudged myself. Instead of me running up to the first teenager, adolescent or young woman I saw, I spent in hour in hesitation provided by a fear I simply could not get myself over of. I was so crippled with anxiety, I could not do it, it seemed. I followed some women trying to gather courage really, but not finding it, my mind making excuses I know that ultimately didn't matter, because it was about the action, not the reaction or circumstances. But regardless I was so crippled with intense anxiety. I tried running up to a woman but I could not hold on, I tried to catch up with a jogger but got too distracted by another pair of women, which I did not approach either. Pretty much the same amount of fear I experienced when doing this for the first time 4 years ago. But I KNEW that I would go on until I had a 2-minute improvisational conversation (for whatever improvisation there still was left that my mind hadn't thought of yet), even if it took multiple conversations. I spent an hour like that, until I finally gathered the courage and approached two women I was following, and talked to them. I told them sincerely that I wanted to make a conversation without a specific subject and that I was rather nervous. Luckily, they responded well and contributed to the conversation, but I knew that responding well wasn't the point. At the end I asked for their numbers, but I noticed in myself that we didn't have a deep enough of a connection or attraction that it was truly my intent to say it, more like a mechanical habit to ask it, taken from the past. That's a good point of memory to make now... There is no necessity to ask for a number or a date, just enjoy the conversation, and if there is enough attraction and/or connection, then you can ask for a date or number, but I'd rather not do it out of automation. I'd like to truly want to see her again and that being the incentive to ask her out or her number. not out of need but out of joy.

 

Tomorrow... Well tomorrow is saturday. Saturday is the night the night clubs go open in the city. Besides doing some day game with the plan to take care of the unfinished plan of today (talking an improvisational conversation with pretty much the first woman I see), in the night I also like to up the ante and try to do in the club 5 improvisational conversations, trying not to rush them and commit to keeping the conversation active until there's really nothing to say anymore (perhaps letting some silences fall is okay too, but there is a point when it probably gets enough. But those will be present-moment decisions). I'm not sure. I will see about it tomorrow.

 

I do feel now I'm learning from a much more stable base than I did 4 years ago. 4 years ago my mind was much more stubborn, I wasn't really open to admit that something wasn't working until I really hit the utter end of frustration, or perhaps... I wasn't ready to acknowledge that my whole attitude of "needing the girl" or any sort of trick or technique I could do to win her over was not the right attitude to come from. I changed in details, not in the broader perspective, something I do feel I am doing right now; Seeing the situation from a larger distance.

 

I foresee a future for myself in which I could be absolutely killing it with pimpin'. When that is? Who knows.Naturally, self-doubt remains somewhere and part of you likes to think that you would somehow be 'unfit'. but I realize that's merely an illusion of the ego. Even if I were to quit game altogether at this point I reckon that that would only be if it is a fully committed decision that I would have no doubts about, that I simply would have lost interest in it. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.

 

Fact is, If I remain sincere, reflective, wise and spontaneous, there should be nothing stopping me from advancing each day a little bit more. Setbacks? Possibly so. Difficult and persistent sticking points? More than likely. But nothing I shouldn't be able to get past. I have to keep that faith, and not let my self-doubt and ego get the better of me. Focus on my actions and what I do and reflect upon to improve every day, not merely the results. Results will eventually come by themselves, but I want to make joy and self-improvement the goal. At least for now that seems like a better focus point.

 

Posted September 24th, 2017 at 1:22 AM Report | #3

 

Day 3:

 

I can be very happy about today. In the morning, pretty much one of the first things to do when waking up, I decided, was to now finish up the goal I did not complete yesterday, which was to quickly approach a women without a script. Yesterday it took me a long time, this time I wanted to see if now I could do it much quicker, which I could. I once again got my jogging shoes and started jogging as an excuse to run so I could stay ahead of my doubts and fears. I saw a woman, and whilst there was a bit of hesitation as to approach her from the front, I got behind her and then turned around and approached her. Once again, being very genuine as to why I was approaching her, telling her I wanted to expand my boundaries and step out of my comfort zone. She was kind. After about 1-2 minutes or so she took a left turn and we parted ways. I may have had the idea yesterday that I wanted to let the conversation continue for 2 minutes (which I forgot about), which may or may not have happened, but I decided that it was rather unwise to now be a stubborn mule and say that I had to do the 2 minutes. That'd just be ego-motivated greed at this point. I left it with this and went home, being satisfied, and knowing I would do much more in the evening/night.

 

So in the evening, around 10 o'clock, I left to go to the downtown area. The plan was to have 5 conversations lasting each a minimum of 2 minutes. I felt good and imagined myself being very happy and succesful with women at the club. I knew that was just sheer imagination at this point, and there would certainly be some fears to overcome still and it not be without any effort and some difficulty. The whole night went totally different as planned, though. It seemed that because I had not gone out in so long, I totally had forgotten on how late the clubs would be filled. at 10 o' clock, I could find lots of people on the terraces that would later be the crowd that would go inside and fill the clubs, but I did not feel like approaching people on terraces at all. What I did do however, not wanting to disappoint myself by doing nothing, was speak with a few girls talking about why the clubs were empty, asking on how late they think it would be filled. It wasn't too hard to approach them. I guess what did make it easier to approach these girls is because I had a solid question that I could ask and then leave it with. I had a surface reason to approach them. It makes it much easier because there's no pressure to continue the conversation, and there's no fear of not knowing what to say. You don't know what to say? you thank them and leave.

 

But now I wasn't sure what to do. After speaking to those few girls I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue and go on some sort of marathon where I didn't stop talking with girls all along the night... Doubt settled in again... Doubt, my worst enemy and yet greatest friend. I walked towards the train station just to take a walk, meanwhile whilst I was walking wondering whether I should approach or not. "*sigh*", I thought. "Now we're back at this doubt and uncertainty again". I realized that I had to make a decision and could not stay in between. I decided to go for a good walk, taking up the time I needed to take so when I would go back the clubs would be full, in 60/90 minutes or so. I did not want to prohibit myself from spontaneously approaching a girl during my walk, but I did not want to obsess over it either. The possibility of me still approaching a girl was still very distracting, so I had te revert to the practice of focusing on the present moment and not letting my attention wander other than what I was doing at this moment, and I started walking. A few times I had some hesitation about whether or not I should approach a girl I passed, but quickly after I past her I said to myself: "I've decided not to approach her, move on", which I did a few times. During the walk I reflected upon this state of doubt I often found myself in regarding girls, whether or not to approach one. I had not approached for long because I wanted to avoid this doubt and fear, I knew. It's not to say that I did have to approach every lady but certainly there was a lot of fear involved, much of which I had to get myself over with. I concluded that even with this newfound doubt and thereby fear it did make it more difficult to have peace of mind when just being out there on the streets, because women distract you easily that way, sending you in doubt whether to approach or not. But regardless, I felt like it was better because these were simply growing pains. I knew that at some point the fear and doubt would be gone and I would simply be able to approach naturally and spontaneously, a decision that I would simply enjoy to make. Or not. But both would totally fine. Either way there would be no guilt, doubt and fear involved..

 

Another thing I concluded during that walk is that I was still lacking depth in conversations, and that I was afraid to commit to a girl or a set. The first awkward silence I tried to escape the conversation. You can have as many conversations as you want but if you're not willing to persist in a conversation and deepen a connection between you and your interlocutor, there's really not much value to having many superficial converasations. I wanted to prioritize quality over quantity, I thought. First thing I felt I had to address is to not try to escape whenever there falls a silence. If there was going to be a silence and you had nothing to say, wait for them to say something, I thought. Very difficult for me to do, but I had to be willing to be awkward, creepy even if that was necessary. Of course, being creepy is not a sort of behaviour you would want to persist in, but I had to be willing to be awkward and possibly creepy if leaving awkward silences would make people regard me as creepy, which probably doesn't hold true. It's really simply about the mindset, that you do not allow yourself to indulge in the fear of being regarded as creepy. It's basically about disregarding the fears of self-conciousness.

So that was I to do, allowing silences to be, and making my interlocutor take intitiative to possibly end a conversation. Of course, if I sensed that the person I was talking with didn't really want to be in the conversation anymore, but was not saying it for whatever reason, I could check in with their feeling and ask: "Is it okay that i'm still talking with you or do you rather want me to leave?", but I was not to do that right at the first signs of awkwardness, rather if I sensed them not wanting to engage in a conversation with me. Or perhaps simply me asking to show that I was sensitive enough to consider their feelings, but not saying it out of a desire to escape.

 

I went back with the decision to at least approach one or two (sets of) women on my way to the club. I past a lone girl sitting on a bench along the riverside there, and then two girls on one bench further, but I did not want to approach instanly. I moved a little bit out of sight and waited and stood a little bit, which did not feel as fear or doubt but rather as taking some time to ground and center myself, before I would make my move. Unfortunately, when I went back, they were both gone. That was fine, I simply could continue towards the club and then still meet another girl. On my way to the club I saw a girl walk by (still being by the river shore). I let her past and decided I wanted to go and talk to her. So I turned around, first walked in her direction, then realizing I needed to catch up to her so I ran. I greeted her, made a short introduction after which I ran out of words, but luckily she also started investing in the conversation, and we started talking. I walked along with her, being once again very sincere about what I was doing and why I was doing it (basically much of the stuff I've explained in my forum topic already). She was a nice girl. I must say, there were many moments I felt like I wanted to end the conversation and escape but I stuck in there, since there was no obvious sign that she wanted me to leave, nor even a subtle one. I followed her with where she was going, deciding to go with her when she said she would take a right turn knowing that was not my final destination, but however also stating that she did not mind me walking further along with her, once again shining clarity on the fact that this deeper-lying sense that I felt unwanted when I approached a girl was ultimately in so many cases a fiction, but even moreso a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not even necessarily as to how they see you but as to how you see yourself. If you quit a conversation short because you feel unwanted, you've rejected yourself already before they had the chance to do so. I wonder where this sense of feeling unwanted stems from. I didn't grew up in an environment that would suggest that I would be unwanted...

Moving on with the story about me walking with the girl... we walked a bit further and I started opening up a little bit more. Talking perhaps a little bit hasty, sometimes stumbling over words a little bit, but that was alright and I kept talking. At the end, I started to talk about how I was suicidal about two months ago, just when we neared her car which was her destination. A little bit awkwarded that I was suddenly interrupted during my sensitive expression of my experiences and feelings, I concluded that now at least I've started to decide to live again, and I showed her my tattoo, which said: "don't waste it" (referring to my life, written in my native language). Then before she went I did in a careful manner try to ask for her number and suggesting we could perhaps meet up somewhere, but she said she had a boyfriend and gave me a hug and we parted. Saying she had a boyfriend did not appear to be the type of response that girls can give when they're not into you and simpy give that response to get rid of you. I felt like she was genuine. It seemed like a sincere girl in the first place, but particulary with me opening up so much (I have no idea why I so quickly talk about my deeper feelings and thoughts and sensitive experiences to a complete stranger within 15 minutes) I felt like she wouldn't lie about that. Regardless, it's not the point and it's perhaps for the better too. Otherwise I would over the phone perhaps obsess over her and start acting weird whilst my unconcious takes over trying to win her over. At this stage, it probably wouldn't exactly happen like that, but I do feel like I need to create a stronger base in actual game before I start interacting much with girls over the phone. The phone makes me act weird and unnatural, I notice.

 

After the conversation with her, I already felt quite satisfied for the day. I stuck through multiple phases where I kind of just wanted to leave because of fear, but eventually didn't, and it worked for the better. Going back to the downtown area, I still approached two sets still not trying to escape, and I noticed that it wasn't necessarily creepy or even awkward to do that, but I felt no true excitement to talk anymore and it didn't quite get past casual conversation, the way you would talk about everyday business with your friends or family. There was no excitement, joy and particulary no arousal, none of which I seemed to be able to feel this night anymore. I felt like it was good for the day, so I went home.

 

Posted September 25th, 2017 at 3:38 PM Report | #4

 

On day 4

 

 I took some rest. Didn't particulary motivated to go out and approach any woman so I did nothing yesterday, also given the fact that it was Sunday. I felt content with that decision to do nothing for game, but I now did feel a sense of restlessness, not knowing what I want to do now, really having no particular ambition to strive for. I managed to get through the day however just doing simple low-effort activities like watching TV, using my laptop and doing some meditation, but also a lot of doing absolutely nothing and laying down, thinking about stuff or not even that. In the evening I listened to a song I felt a strong emotional connection with during and around my suicidal time in Mexico. The emotionality made me feel my heart open a little bit and inspired me to share the song on facebook, also sharing the backstory behind it, thus really putting myself out there, which made me feel rather self-concious but I decided to be vulnerable anyways and kept it public. The emotional moment gave the impulse to me thinking about how this sensation of my heart opening would relate to the whole success with women scheme. I felt that... perhaps the next step, or for the (nearer) future, was that I would start connecting with women and approaching them based on heart-level attitude, that I would speak to them to make them feel good, to have compassion for them and their stories. Perhaps, I thought, that would be the next thing for me, perhaps that was the thing that would make me more motivated to go and talk to women more. I wanted to be like Tyler. I've noticed that (based on my own limited judgement) he has started to function from the heart more. He inspires me that way; to give love and joy, not to take anything but to give. That's how I eventually want to be like, like him. Functioning from a place of joy and compassion.

 

Day 5

I have done nothing today either, at least at the point of writing this. But I do have some thoughts I want to reflect on. For the first few hours I kept laying in bed, not feeling particulary energetic or motivated to get up or do anything but I didn't necessarily feel bad, just unmotivated to get up. Still didn't feel motivation to go approach women for today. And it started to make me think... why do I still feel demotivated? Yesterday it felt like I needed to take a day rest from what I already had done which seemed like an appropiate reason, but today... It would seem sensible that I would feel motivated again, but nah... So I started to make a walk and think... so then now what? I was not discarding the whole success with women scheme, surely not. But I felt like it was either not the only thing that could keep me going, that it wouldn't always work for me, or that I needed to change the way I was approaching my idea of making progress of the success with women thing. I wrote down a number of ambitions that I had some point I had felt motivation for to strive for (but had not kept), something that could potentially be my calling, or part of my calling: Becoming an RSD instructor, singing, writing, streaming a game on twitch, learning to play an instrument, public speaking, meditation teacher, counselor/therapist/spiritual guide, making self-development oriented youtube videos... All of those things I at some point felt like I could become someone through it, that it could possibly be something I could do as a passion or enjoyable job later on, but now I didn't really feel much for any of them. Perhaps writing, I thought. I could try to make a start with it and see if a certain story comes up that I could potentially make into a book. As you can tell by the amount that I write, I am certainly sometimes quite passionate to be writing. I just wasn't sure if there was any inspiration to be writing something that was very lengthy, like a novel or a self-help book... But I could try, I thought...

 

But first I wanted to make another walk (I had already come home in between, keeping my train of thought active) to see if anything else could come up as possible ambition. During the walk, I passed by a high school, where I saw some girls where I for the first time in quite a long time felt spontaneous arousal for that was purely based on feeling and not centered in the head. Previously the arousal was always accompanied or rather replaced by approach anxiety and doubt. I had almost forgotten that you could be genuinly aroused to see a girl not on a screen that invoked no approach anxiety. I did not approach there at the high school grounds partially because of the setting of the many high school teenagers, most of them on bikes and in groups, but the spontaneous feeling-based arousal did give me a clue. I noticed that this arousal kindled a certain enthousiasm to actually approach the girls, not even just motivation that was ultimately part of becoming, not being. I thought: "If I actually feel arousal for the girl I'm approaching, then I can actually see myself approaching her not only without fear and hesitation (and mental judgement about her appearance), but then I actually also feel joy and enthusiasm to approach her". THAT'S the kind of state I want to approach a woman from, genuine arousal, a feeling centered in the body. But I realized I needed to work on the anxiety first, because otherwise that would get me into hesitation and away from my arousal, into the head. Then it wouldn't be natural and spontaneous anymore. And that's how I now again have some motivation back to approach women and making daily challenges for myself again: the realization that if I pass through all my approach anxiety fears, eventually I will have no fear in approaching a woman I like to approach, that I feel arousal for, thus allowing me to maintain my arousal because the fear would be gone and thus the energy wouldn't get into my head anymore.

Yes. The spontaneous physical arousal that I felt today seems like the insight, the gateway that allows me to continue being motivated to go past my approach anxiety, to keep pushing my boundaries. Because if there is no approach anxiety, there is freedom to feel arousal, and when there is arousal, there is oppurtunity for spontenaiety, joy and presence. And then I WANT it, not even just as a means to an end. Then I WANT to be in that moment. Then I WANT to approach simply for the process itself.

 

So if I keep pushing my boundaries of fear, eventually my approach anxiety will dissipate or at least be relinquished to such an extent that genuine arousal can come forth, and then I can become a spontaneous natural. However, the "seeking" attitude is also still something I'm concerned about. Like I had mentioned before, I find it often difficult to be present when i'm out because there's this certain seeking attitude that constantly scans if there are any women around that I would find attractive enough (through my mental judgement) to approach. This is not a careless, present state. It is a certain feverishness that distracts me and gets me into my head... it does not allow spontaneous arousal to arise. That's why it feels like it would be difficult for me to do regular daygame, where during daygame the volume of attractive women wouldn't be too high. Then, feel, I would have to make the choice to either approach just lots and lots of women and sets, attractive or not, to prevent myself from going into a judgemental state (is she hot enough? isn't she?) and therefore confining the energy into my head. But I don't know if I can be motivated to approach women I do not feel aroused for if it's not part of the practice of expanding my boundaries. This could also be a problem during nightgame, where then i'm still scanning. Perhaps I'm overthinking this problem. Perhaps I would once I'm able to approach with arousal also be able to enjoy conversations with less attractive girls or sets, or perhaps I could get into a state where this "scanning" wouldn't result in a loss of presence, but I doubt that for myself. Or perhaps there is an intermediate, where you don't approach the girls you find too ugly, but you do approach the girls that are somewhat attractive but you don't necessarily feel too much arousal for, but perhaps a little bit. I guess only time will tell if I'm able to do daygame (and perhaps nightgame) without a loss of presence and/or interest. But potentially... who knows. Perhaps I am simply not supposed to be someone who actively goes out gaming. Perhaps I am more the type of person that only approaches girls he feels arousal for, not having searched for them, not having gone outside with the idea to approach. I would be okay with being that person, if active gaming really wouldn't work, but I don't want to make an identity out of it. Perhaps it's possible for every male at some point in their life (perhaps not their whole life throughout) to enjoy active gaming.

 

I guess tomorrow I will start expanding my boundaries of anxiety again... approaching a girl that is cycling, is the plan. any girl, the first one I see. That seems like a reasonable goal. Somehow... somehow I don't feel particulary motivated or excited for it though right now. I'll see what happens tomorrow, I guess.

 

Posted September 26th, 2017 at 11:00 PM Report | #5

 

Day 6:

 

I notice that every day provides new insights. I started off the day feeling unmotivated to do anything productive or amibitious, really. The day started off with an appointment in the morning, then for the rest of the afternoon I simply had been kind of dazing, starting to game again (haha joke's on you, i'm talking about video games). After having played RuneScape a little bit, particulary after I just ended it and joining my father for dinner, I noticed this sensation of... hard to find the right terms... of feeling drained and destabilized, like feeling like a toy of my unconcious and lazy impulses, not feeling in control of myself at all. Not feeling like I had any power. I did not like that feeling at all...I started to think about it again... On sunday I took what felt like a genuine day of rest, so I was completely content with the decision to not go out and approach a woman that day. Monday it bothered me a bit more, but I felt like I had some motivation back by the arousal I felt that day, so I wanted to go on with that motivation for the next day. Today, however, I could not find that motivation, so I just dazed and drugged myself a bit with video gaming until I got in the evening frustrated of that sensation of not feeling like I had power over myself. So it made me think... I had heard Eckhart Tolle talk about the three concious modalities of doing. He had talked about enthousiasm, motivation and acceptance. Enthousiasm I certainly did not feel, but neither I did feel motivation to go outside and approach. But I did start to realize, however, that I just needed to f-ing accept that this what I needed to do in order to move forward. I thought: "yeah, that's right. Sometimes you just have to do things that you simply don't really want to do, simply out of the insight that you need to do it in order to move forward. I'll start approaching again tomorrow" I also discussed this with my mother, mainly about even if you feel unmotivated that you still keep yourself going.

 

After a good talk I had with my mother, I suddenly felt like it was best to start approaching a woman again, now for this very evening. The challenge for today was to approach a woman on a bicylce who was cycling, so I either had to sprint to catch up or to stop her as she passed by. I noticed that, at first I was pretty unmotivated still to go out and approach, but as soon as I stepped out the door and committed to do it, the resistance disappeared. Not the approach anxiety, but the resistance. It's funny how simply committing to something suddenly makes all the lethargy dissepate. However, I had real difficulty with this challenge. Previously I had always taken time to "gather courage" so to say before I made my approach. That could be 20 seconds, one minute, or sometimes, like in this case, pretty much more than an hour before I finally did what I needed to. Simply halting an approaching cycling woman and yelling "stop!" felt so impossible to me. As all the women passed, some of them quite pretty, I grew angrier and angrier at myself for being such a coward. I was angry at myself because I knew exactly what needed to be done, but I was not doing it. I simply could not get over that point where I could instantly let a woman stop over without hesitating. Because if I hesitated, she was gone. And keeping up with cyclists is rather difficult, you then really have to almost sprint after her. So I let girl after girl passes, being upset with myself as to why I could not simply get myself over it. I could simply not unfreeze myself, it seemed. I runned after some but to no avail. They were too quick, or, a better way of saying is: I wasn't dedicated enough to exert myself enough to the point where I could catch up with them. I always slowed down just a little bit as I got nearer, and suddenly feeling 'exhausted'. Just because I felt like I had to do something, I did feel like I ahd to approach the two girls that I chased that were waiting before a stop light now. The goal was to halt girls that were cycling and approaching me (really, sprinting after them was not really my goal, just to be very quick and spontaneous), but I felt like I couldn't make excuses to keep avoiding approaching girls, so I could at least do this. After a bit of hesitation I did that, luckily still in time. So I did that, but I still wasn't satisfied. I really didn't want to go home after I instantly approached a girl that came cycling by on a bicycle, without sprinting after them. I just couldn't manage...

 

After much more frustration about more missed oppurtunities, what I did still do, was to sprint after one girl and stop her after she passed on bike. This time she was still cycling. However, she didn't respond too cooperatively. She made signs to leave the conversation quickly, I asked her if she was in a hurry to which she replied "yes", but I felt like she lied. It was the last approach I did for the day. I know I had said to myself I wouldn't stop until I had approached a girl that came by me on a bike —without me chasing after her, but me halting her before our distance increased again, but I felt simply not motivated at all. I know I had said before that you don't always need motivation to keep on going, but now I didn't feel like it was viable to say that I needed to "accept" that I still needed to finish this challenge. I don't know... I just felt... I just felt like that 4 year younger me again, when I was gaming as an 18-year old on later 2013. that kid that was always pushing myself to the edge of frustration when I went out gaming, that kid that was never satisfied, that was always so on edge, that tried so hard but never really got what he desired, that never got women to like him despite his best efforts. I couldn't be asked anymore to push myself to do that instantaneous approach to a cycling woman that was nearing. The reaction of the woman that I sprinted after and actually stopped somehow hurt me... Which obviously tells me more about myself than about her. I felt like her uncooperative reaction was a reflection of my state. I know that even with the greatest pimp not all the women will always respond kindly, but that was how it felt, that she mirrored my state a little bit. I didn't really honour the conversation, so neither did she. I was not allowing the conversation to flow, trying to justify me approaching her in such an unusual endeavour, some words that I unconciously already had prepared to say before I even entered the conversation. But perhaps my frustrated and angry state about my inability to just fucking approach earlier on also had to do with it. I suppose I had still not forgiven myself about all the other missed oppurtunities I had, and perhaps the fact that the approach is not the approach I really wanted also had to do with it, I didn't want to be chasing but I just wanted to stop a woman cycling by me without hesitation instead. I think all of that may have contributed to her not responding too cooperatively, or at least me being hurt by her reaction, which is obviously the more important part.

 

So it all makes me think... Why did I go home this evening feeling frustrated, feeling worse than when I left the house earlier? The most important answer would obviously be: Because I simply took too long. Because I was too afraid to simply take that step for so long. It makes me angry thinking about it... Why? Why do I hesitate so much? What's the worst that can happen? Why am I such a coward? That's what I tend to think now. I'm angry at myself. All of this shit could've been avoided if I didn't let dozens of women pass by me. But... I have to be realistic. What's done is done now, and it simply didn't feel like I couldn't. I felt frozen every time. I don't know what to say, really. I'm angry at myself but I know there's not much of a point to that, other than to use that anger to not hesitate so much more the next time I attempt to do something challenging. But I do have to properly review what would be an appropiate challenge for me, and be flexible to what I want my goal for that day to be even as I am out there gaming. Something that is not too challenging, thus I don't frustrate myself with all my approach anxiety that I allow to get the better of me, but also not something that has too little challenge, because I do want to keep moving forward at an appropiate rate. But I do have to change my attitude about the way I'm doing it regardless. I don't know... I just want to avoid a repitition of what happened today. It's draining to be in so much approach anxiety for so long and it also feels so demotivating. This day also makes me feel like it isn't possible to get enthousiasm back to approach a woman, though I know that's simply not true, and is just a state of frustration talking.

 

Why is this shit so difficult?

 

Posted September 27th, 2017 at 8:48 PM Report | #6

 

Day 7: I could talk aboiut a lot of things, how I woke up feeling very very depleted, tired and unmotivated today and which continued throughout most of the rest of the day, how I despite of that still kept myself active doing certain chores and tasks, how I considered more that I never wanted to go out gaming again if I came back more depleted than when I left the door, how I felt that perhaps I could build it up much slower, or first focus on some other things in my life before I would go back to gaming, as to not come from a place of lack or frustration. But that's not what I want to talk about today

 

I want to talk about my decision to go to the gym since the first time in a loooong time and what happened there. Even though i still felt physically very drained, I decided to go to the gym anyways, even if it was just for half an hour. Even though I had no plans to approach a woman at all, I suddenly felt myself getting a bit excited and aroused seeing some of the women there, some dressed in tight clothing that revealed a nice shape. I suddenly felt the desire to approach coming up... But I was a bit hesitant. It wasn't part of the plan... First I went on the cardio, there was a woman in front of me that I just wanted to say to "running nicely?", but I felt, perhaps unjustly, that it was wiser to first for 5 minutes focus on training on the cardio as a means of training to be present and not get too distracted before doing that. I'm not sure... perhaps I should've acted sooner. Regardless, I did that and I liked doing it despite having had a certain line in my head for a while now. Now I felt good and I wanted to do more, so I talked to three girls that were just leaving a certain area about my first time being here, and how the gym was and such. It was not a forced conversation at all and the topic appeared natural to talk about. Perhaps I had it in my head that I wanted to talk about a specific topic with them (thus you could argue it's not completely "spontaneous), but that didn't really bother me too much. I enjoyed the conversation and it flowed naturally. I felt myself starting to feel good, and now I started to feel an eagerness to do more.

 

But now I started to become afraid of this eagerness... It was not the same eagerness I felt the evening before, at least for the later part of that evening; there I felt a sense of frustration, an anger for my lack of courage, an attitude to "just get it over with". Now it was different. I was getting excited to talk to other women... But I became afraid of it. I became afraid of going into state. Part of it was self-conciousness: "Wouldn't it look weird if I suddenly started approaching many of the women in this not-so-busy gym?". But there was another fear... A fear that I find hard to describe... You could say I was afraid that I was actually on the verge of getting some success here. A success-barrier. But I had forgotten as to why success-barriers existed, though I have heard the term come around. Perhaps I'm too invested in this idea that I have to work hard for it, that I have to struggle for it, and if i were to do this so naturally and effortlessly, then all my effort would seem like a laughingstock. And i'm also afraid of going in state because I can not predict what I would do. I'm afraid that I would do things in state that in a normal state of mind I would feel embarrased for to do. There was this barrier for me preventing me to act further on my excitement that I had. Perhaps my psyche wasn't ready to accept this new possibilities of success. The biggest regret is the realization that when I kind of felt already done with the training (I really wasn't there for that long), I could've still offered to run next on the cardio with this lady I felt attracted to and just have had a little chat. I felt confident I would've been able to do that quite effortlessly at that point. I really only started to think about that when I was in the locker room. Then it felt already too late. I did greet her though, but that eventually didn't seem enough. On the ride home I was filled with regret. Not the regret I had yesterday when I was frustrated adn angry at myself for my cowardice, but the regret that I missed a potential great oppurtunity to get to know an attractive woman. I was just disappointed that I had let this one go. If I could go back in time I would've still come back from the lockers just to talk to her, but now once on the bike towards homeit truly felt too late now. I also now that going gaming now just on the street would merely be a compensation for the regret I had experienced in the gym. I felt like now I would again start to approach from a place of frustration and not excitement.

 

But it was funny though how the less you anticipate on approaching a woman, the more naturally it goes. But I suppose that the confined and cozy space of the gym made that a bit more natural too. It still seems quite a lot more natural and easier to approach a woman there because there is like this feeling of shared experience there, where on the street you seem a bit more random. Still, the best conversations are the ones you didn't anticipate on, or didn't anticipate too long on, for that matter.

 

Game is so paradoxical... The less you are thinking about it the more successfull you will be. The more you are analyzing and planning and particulary hesitating the less natural and spontaneous you will be... But without trying you're not going to get anywhere either. There is certainly a merit in breaking through many fear barriers, because that will also break away the fear for a time when you spontaneously see a woman you like and want to approach.

 

Excitement and arousal... yes... that's how I like my gaming. But the more I make effort the less I will feel it, at least for that particular moment (unless there's excitement to break through a fear barrier) This whole game shit blows my mind. But perhaps my mind needs to be blown.

 

Posted September 29th, 2017 at 9:35 AM Report | #7

 

Day 8: I'm so weird. Not weird in a bad sense, but just weird in general. I'll explain more to this later.

 

Started off the day waking up a little bit late for some reason. I wanted to take care of some unfinished business. So I went out and tried to halt a woman on the street that was coming by on a bicycle (without running after). I actually tried and she didn't stop but did hear me (lol), but for me it was about the effort I made, not the result. So I was simply satisfied, because I knew that the conversation would've been awkward nonetheless.

 

after that I started working in the garden on my own initiative to help clear up some chestnut (leaves), something my father wanted to have done. doing a lot of manual labour is new to me, so for me this was a challenge also. I noticed that at first there was a lot of initial resistance, but the more I got into it the more the resistance disappeared a little bit (it also took much longer than expected). I find that interesting to notice, because I always used to be so lazy and felt so incapable of doing any labour pretty much. In an effort to maintain the momentum (since since yesterday I felt that I quit too often right when I got some momentum) I also offered to clean the fridge. But instead that evening my attention shifted and I got introspective and did some meditative and self-awareness practices, thinking and regarding a little bit how I could drop this resistance that I now felt that I had regarding focussing and going in.

 

I actually wanted to make the decision to not go out that night, didn't feel too up for it. But as it happened... I couldn't sleep anyways. And now the idea of including a challenge whilst going out did motivate me to go. So the challenge was to hug a woman quickly after I got in. Would probably be awkward, but I wanted to be able to make more physical contact. So I went to the club at around 0:30 and after just a little bit of walking around did what I was supposed to. Came in with a high five, then gave her a bit of an awkward hug, then walked away. Heard some giggling behind me from the group as I did that, but I was satisfied nevertheless. Now here comes the strange part: Now I just wanted to dance, and leave the whole pickup shit all behind. In fact, the idea of a woman approaching me or even interacting with other people irritated me, because I wanted to be able to focus on my body and my dance moves. Strangely enough, even though I'm on my own and have no alcohol and still feel a bit awkward talking to girls in the club, I find myself being easily one of the loosest guys in the club as far as dancing is concerned. It probably has most to do with a lot of physical expression work that I've done over the past couple of years. I easily express myself physically, and often do some bio-energetic exercises, whether it be shaking, jumping, flapping my hands. I've done a lot of exercises that loosen up my body so naturally I can also get loose quite easily in the club and make some terrific dance moves... If i'm feeling the song at least. I noticed that so much of the music is just trash... Like... most of the time there's not even a good beat to it but there's just a lot of noise my ears. I found it hard to get into that music so I went to another club. There, both due to my decision to just surrender to the music that I'm given and the temporary relief of fresh air, I could get quite a bit looser. And then there was one song that I really liked and I got completely drawn into it, forgetting my environment for a bit and feeling joyful. For the rest of the time in that club I still danced problably as the loosest guy in the club, but I was having a hard time staying focused still. I had to focus on my movements, and didn't want to get distracted. I fought some irritation... When I left the club, I walked a bit down to the river and sat there and meditated once again on a feeling of resistance I felt. Whilst putting my attention to it made it feel like something was happening, this feeling would not entirely disappate. I got frustrated because it never seemed to work enterily to make the feeling go away. But I thought, that, perhaps this was the problem. That I was in resistance to what I felt, that I now simply had to accept what I was feeling, regardless if it would go away or not. Being in true acceptance of what is even if it was unpleasant was something that I had not practiced in a long time. Eventually I got up and left, and went back to where I parked my bike to go home, only to discover that my keys were still in it (LOL).

 

Posted October 1st, 2017 at 1:28 AM Report | #8

 

Day 9 &10:

 

Day 9 I really did nothing game-related. Just didn't feel like it. I do not feel excited to talk about other aspects of that day, though certainly always new things happen and new insights develop.

Day 10 was more interesting, because I did go out that night. I just had the plan to approach 3 sets. I went to the downtown area around 1AM, and after a bit of waiting and gathering myself before the venue of the club (which was a decision I was completely content with) I approached a group in front of the club. It started out okay, then I made a bit of a rushed and untactful comment, where I should've problably just been silent, but I recovered, and the girls responded kinder again. It's funny how their reaction reflects so much how I feel about what and how I'm doing it. Though it's not always the case, usually when I'm simply sincere and "normal" the girls respond simply respectful as opposed to when I'm trying to pull something off. In the club, I approached another set, which I asked if it was 21+, which I saw a sign of at the entrance. It wasn't much of a in-depth conversation or whatever but I was fine with it. I did a couple more approaches, in which I found myself in a state "normalcy", which is to say, I was simply calm and collected and not particulary nervous but it wasn't really anything more than that. I guess other people would view me as simply a normal, calm guy who likes simply to talk to other people. I did 4-5 approaches, including one that sort of-ish approached me, or at least addressed me first about something, but for some reason even though I wasn't acting weird or anything she seemed for some reason want to send me off. I notice that despite me feeling quite normal, those little rejections still irritate me a little bit, even if it's just a little. I guess those things can happen too if you're not being too awkward or weird. really no point making a big deal out of that. Pretty much a forgive and forget situation. My last approach was a bit lame though, because I hesitated a little bit whilst I had a certain line in my head, and if you let that line stick in your head for too long it becomes a bit fabricated once you actually utter it. So I said " do you now why I'm talking to you?", but in a bit of a weird way, and that made me notice I was getting a bit too much in my head again so when the girl showed that she seemed a bit irritated by it I immediately understood it and left. Left the club too. I felt like I was done anyway; I had done what I had to do regardless. I did however visit one more club after that, feeling good when I came in and had some quick interactions with people, but then when I tried to dance I neither felt energy to dance nor to approach people, so I left again, which marked the end of my night.

Going back home, even though I had done what I had set out to do, I still felt a bit of disappointment that it didnt turn out to be more. I wondered if I should go back. I stepped of my bike to think about it, but I really couldn't think of anything that excited or motivated me, so I just continued my journey home.

 

Posted October 2nd, 2017 at 9:04 PM Report | #9

 

Day 11 and 12:

 

I feel like I've made a shift in attitude where I'm just going to do 5 daygame approaches each day whether I feel like it or not. It's an attitude shift that I now want to make: taking action regardless of my mood. I also have to work on what Tyler called "the extra layer of resistance". Very familiar to me. There can be an initial layer of resistance, which is approach anxiety, but this additional layer of resistance is much more familiar to me. It is in fact something I have been carrying with me for so long, something that has prevented me from going out in fact for 4 years. And there are still rationalizations of my ego to keep this resistance in place. The main one is the fear that I would go back to the person I was 4 years ago that burned himself out by trying too hard eventually. Out of fear of that, I have been reluctant to really commit to doing something that felt too 'inauthentic' or too 'incongruent' to me. I've always since those 10 days tried to stay within reasonable limits of authenticity, afraid that if I were to try something that was too far out of limits of how I normally would be, it would come off as "weird" or "creepy", something I dreaded.

 

Now I've come to realize, after watching one of Tyler's vids where he talks about owning whatever you're troubled by (owning inauthenticity in this case), that I can't be afraid anymore of being creepy or weird. The fact is: I am weird. There is no avoiding that reality. I simply am weird. Therefore, if I have to be weird, creepy, whatever... so be it. Another thing I need to realize is that things are so different as they were 4 years ago. 4 years ago I was very oriented on results, now I am oriented on the process and on what I do to improve, not on how the girl responds. There's still fear, however. But if I simply stick with doing 5 daygame approaches per day, and simply increasing the quality or challenging the sticking points of those conversations every day, there should be no risk of burning myself out unless I become overly attached to the result once again. If I simply keep my focus on what I do and how I improve myself, and see how it improves like that every single day, then there should be absolutely no risk of me burning myself out. It all depends on the focus.

 

Lets go into the field reports, shall we?

 

Well day 11 is Sunday, which I personally consider as resting day. So I did nothing.

 

Day 12

 I decided to do 5 daygame approaches. There was still quite some of this "extra layer of resistane" that I mentioned earlier, but as soon as I said to myself: "Girls LOVE guys with an additional layer of resistance", which is the way Tyler joked about it, this extra resistance disappeared somewhat. Still once I was at my starting point of daygaming I still felt quite a lot resistance, but not this extra layer of it. More like I needed to gather myself before starting off. The first approach was relatively easy, because I had an excuse to talk about something. Two girls were part of a team that set up some bouncy cushions, which was a topic to talk about. The second one however, much more difficult. I went out of the park and into the downtown area where there were actually a lot of people, and I really had nothing to talk about at all, which was really scary. I eventually however did do an approach, and then another one, another one, and another one. All of them pretty awkward, where out of fear I suppose I talked about the reason why I was approaching them, which was the only thing that could come to mind when I was talking to them. Because otherwise... I had absolutely no clue what to say, and saying something random like "what do you think about the sky being blue?" also felt too odd to do. Tomorrow I know what to do, however. I can talk about anything except the reason why I'm approaching them. And if they ask, I reply "because I'm a weird guy who does weird things", or something short like that.

But shit... It is really difficult when you absolutely have no clue what to talk about... I know that because of that once again tomorrow will be very challenging, as it was today too.

 

But one thing important to remind myself of is that I'm not going to burn myself out if I stay focused on my actions and my personal improvement instead of her reaction. Use her reaction to calibrate, but that's about it. Don't get attached to her giving you validation or not. I know it's possible to be simply free-flowing and funny even if you don't have anything interesting to say. I remember this of a guy two years back when I was attempting to study becoming a teacher of philosophy in high schools. This was a pretty free-flowing guy. We just happened to walk next to each other leaving a certain gap where neither of us had something to say, but the situation did call for a conversation, however. Due to the guy being pretty free-flowing he said: "sooo... A topic...". But he said it in a way that we could both laugh about the awkwardness, and we had some enjoyment in simply accepting that we had no topic but still trying to find one. The lack of a subject became a subject to enjoy in itself. It is something I remembered. Of course, we were already a bit acquianted with each other, which is of course not the case when talking to a random stranger. But still, if I can manage to simply to let the situation be one big joke, that I don't take it too seriously and find humor in the awkwardness, then I can imagine it can easily flow into a nice conversation with the girl. But that simply requires more action and more exposure before I'm able to go into that state. But I know it's possible.

 

Posted October 3rd, 2017 at 4:19 PM Report | #10

 

Day 13: Cyka blyat. Today was not a happy day. Basically I intended to do 5 daygame approaches again, this time not even using the topic of why I'm approaching them as an excuse, and i got battered too much by approach anxiety, decision-making fatigue, and seemingly self-hatred and anger too about me not approaching, which made me have to sit in the park after the first approach, because I knew I had to gather myself. It really activated a heavy pain-body. In the park I did really feel an eagerness to go on, but that eagerness was based on me not having to hate myself when I would go home eventually. There was no motivation, excitement or happiness involvd in the approaches at all. there would not be, I could sense that. So whatever theory you could say to me that "you should only reflect after you've done it" or "you need to get LOADS of reference experiences" I could not buy in to at that time. Yeah sure, I could force myself, which is something I used to do 4 years ago. But it certainly wouldn't make me go home feeling better, that much I knew. There's much to say about how valuable dedication is when you're out there gaming, but I at least want to make it so that I feel not considerably worse when I go back home again than when I left the door. The fact is: I felt pretty good when I left the door to go out gaming. I came back however very frustrated. The most important thing that caused my negativity was a combination of hesitation and self-judgement about my hesitation, which made me feel worse which in turn again increased the hesitation: "should I really approach when I'm in this kind of state?". I got into a downwards spiral. I was not quick enough, I was not firm enough. I'm still really not considering giving up at all, but certainly in the state that I'm in right now, I can not go out gaming.

 

I want to keep this from now on as a general rule: If I get too involved in anger, frustration, self-hatred, self-judgement, hesitation-fatigue and such, I need to quit, and continue another day. Equally important: I need not to keep on hesitating whether "I should do it or not". When I'm going out to do it, I'm going to finish it and whatever I had doubts with I will consider it after my challenge is complete. That is the attitude I have to come from. When I'm going to do it, I do it and don't hesitate. If you do happen to hesitate and get into this negative spiral too much, then you can indeed consider quitting it and returning home. But it is much better to prevent it rather obviously.

 

But shit... I'm afraid, angry, whatever... I'm afraid that I get into this same general negative loop where I'm just chasing out of desperation and where nothing is happening and eventually I burn myself out. I want to avoid that at all costs, but at the same time that fear can hold me back too from accomplishing certain things. Negative feelings provoke negative thoughts, so it is natural that I am afraid. What I simply want to do at this point is to be able to communicate with random strangers effectively without having the safety net of a certain topic to talk about.

 

I can only just keep on trying, monitoring my actions, monitoring my reactions, monitoring my focus, monitoring my thoughts... I need to be intelligent about this...

 

Posted October 5th, 2017 at 1:19 AM Report | #11

 

Day 14:

 

An interesting day with mixed experiences and feelings. At the earlier part of the day I went to a building where I would conduct my theory-exam for my drivers' license. During the trip with public transport where I used the train, my pain-body from yesterday was still somewhat active so consequentle there were still a lot of compulsive mind-based desires to still talk to women, but even in that unconcious haze I could still recognize that it was not good for me to do it like that, that I needed to focus on staying present. I got just a little bit more grounded and then the idea appealed to me that it would seem okay if i were to approach a girl in the waiting room of the the building where the theory-exam would be conducted. This I actually did like. I would simply talk about whetehr or not the girl had learned for it properly, just getting up some casual conversation, with the introduction of a topic that was relevant in the area I was in. It was still a long walk to the building from the train station which gave me a lot of time to think about it, which I didn't like. But still I did it when I was there, and it wasn't unnatural or freaky or something as far as I felt it came across. Not that the girl responded too well: she actually was just done with her exam, failed, and was now waiting for a friend. Failing an exam wouldn't put you in the best mood to talk to people. Regardless, I felt no resistance towards having this conversation because I had something I could talk about. And maybe that made a huge difference, I thought. Chatting up a random stranger with no topic or a topic that is not relevant at all takes away all the excitement of the conversation for me. I just feel just stupid doing that, because I have no proper excuse as to why I'm approaching her. And saying something random like "describe the color blue" or "what do you think of ladybugs?" also just doesn't feel right. It simply does not feel congruent to me to do that. When there is something that can actually be talked about though that is relevant, then suddenly I don't feel so stupid and I actually somewhat enjoy my attempt to conversation then. This is why I may just quit regular daygame for a little bit. Because the environment and the static atmosphere of regular people who are walking on the street seems to uninviting to be going out there and talking about random topics whilst having no conventional good reason to be talking to them at all, seems to big of a gap to me. The gap seems simply like something that is too big to be able to bridge at this point; the frame that I'm supposed to be able to hold seems too challenging. Perhaps I can still experiment with simply being sincere in daygame, where I say that I simply wanted to talk with the girl as part of my challenge. It takes a bit of the pressure off, but I still don't feel like I would like it.

 

Now lets talk about what happened during the evening/night, because that is more interesting. I had set myself a challenge this evening to go to an open mic night in a cafe/bar where I could for the first time perform a song for a live audience (well third time, but second and first were long time ago). I had practiced a song and gotten myself some lyrics. U2 - one, if you're interested in the song. I got up to the terrace of the bar and asked if there was an open mic night, to which a guy there —whom I suspect may be familiar with RSD and game due to his very loose and expressive nature— guided me and basically introduced me to the stage leader, and thus he managed to get me up the stage already very quickly, but not before I talked to some girls there talking about... I don't even know anymore. I feel like the first word came from their side, because we were by coincedence standing in close proximity to each other. But I talked freely with them. I sang my song, understandably a bit nervous, and instantly after that got approach from someone that they would like me to join their choir (there happened to be a gathering of many people that were from a choir group of some sort). After talking to him a little bit I asked if I could sit on a bench, to which I had a good chat with a guy there, and some girls that were sitting opposite from us I also managed to introduce to the conversation. There were also some people in animal suits that came by which was of course an easy excuse to also introduce them in the conversation briefly (at least I think I talked to them first... can't remember exactly) It simply was just a bar that had a very good atmosphere and people communicated very freely to each other. Much unlike the clubs I had been to on the other two weeks prior to this day. At some point, however, the conversation died out (we were half-listening to the performers anyway) and I at some point I stood up and a bit after that requested to a girl if I could sit on a bench spot right next to the stage, since it was a good spot anyways. She was okay with that, partially because there was just a very family-like atmosphere there. I briefly chatted with her sometimes in between listening to the music. It was nice because it was not this sitaution where I felt very pressured to talk to her, the situation didn't call for that. As I was sitting there however, and was not really chatting with the girl anymore, I started to get back into my head again. I tried to get back into the music but to no avail really. "Perhaps I should appraoch more to prevent going back to the mind". But it was already too late. Better put: I was attempting to not lose the moderate bit of state that I had felt. But when you fight against something, it really does not make it go away. So I decided to go out of the cafe to catch a breath.  After a bit I decided to get back into the cafe, still planning on talking to some people, but I really wasn't feeling it anymore. I couldn't really get out of my head anymore.

 

It was nevertheless an interesting experience because I got a glimpse of what it could be like to just freely and spontaneously interact with many different people without being stuck in your head, even if it was just a glimpse. That is something to remember. It is possible.

 

There was also this particular interaction with this rather drunk but very loose girl that I want to mention because it send me down a train of thought. During that second phase, where I had gone out to catch a breath and gone back in, there was this interaction witht his girl that was dancing quite wildly probably being intoxicated quite a lot. The conversation started between us smoothly, but then as I was wallflowering more and she was dancing in front of me, she at some point came rather close, as to invite me to grind with her, and I realized I had no idea what to do at this point. This was completely unfamiliar territory. Granted, she probably didn't actually intend to grind with me, but it did send me hesitating. Should I at least make an attempt to make physical contact? It send me down into hesitation again, getting me even more into my head. In the end, I touched her on the back as she was just aimlessly dancing in front of me and I kind of just made this stupid gesture that it was someone else that did it. But during my way home and espacially ehre back at home I though about what I did even more. As to why I did it, because I didn't  have much fun doing it, nor was it congruent, but for some reason I felt that I had to do it. Why? So I thought about this a little bit. It is pretty much the same as to why I before was so eager to do those 5 approaches without having a subject. It was because I would feel like a failure if I were to not do a certain thing that felt challenging. Challenging is not always good, because sometimes something that is challenging isn't particulary fun or exciting.This was also the case. The reason why I still felt like I had to do it? Because a part of me, and I suppose that is the ego, feels like I'm moving forward if I do things that I find difficult. But there was a difference between the difficulty of singing that song on stage on front of an audience, and the difficulty of touching that girl on the back and pretending it wasn't me. The second one was done out of fear, the first one was not. And that fear... I find it hard to describe what that fear is but I feel like its fear. Because that same fear would make me wonder if I would need to slap a girl on the ass at random (even in the middle of the day and the girl hadn't even seen me), because then my ego would say that it would be good because I had done something challenging that I hadn't done before. But certainly I would not feel good about it at all. That is also a thing, by the way. There is an even greater compulsion to do something that you hadn't done before, because now the ego gives you the idea that you're even making more progress because you're doing somethign new. As if something new is always better... So I'm thinking about what that fear is... It is the fear of failure, I suppose. The fear of failing to be courageous. The fear of being a coward. Yes, that is it. It is the fear of being a coward. The fear that I would not make progress because I would be a coward. It is this eagerness to prove myself to myself. It is this feeling of necessity to prevail this self-image of me being a courageous person that dares to do anything. Yes, it is the fear that I would not grow if I was too afraid to choose tha harder path.

 

But is the harder path always the better one to take? Because personal growth requires a lot of courage and doing things that are very difficult, a part of you, which I suppose is the ego, now accepts the fact that it can not stop you anymore from being courageous and now deploys different tactics the drag you back down in the disguise of "courage". Now it says that you need to do a lot of things that are very difficult that in fact you really shouldn't be doing. But because with personal growth there are a lot of things that do help you along your path that require courage, you sometimes get the idea that being courageous —on the outer level— is the only right way to act. It's funny because if I actually were to be truly in the moment than those things that when stuck in my head are regarded as "difficult" wouldn't be difficult at all. Like for instance, going for a kiss when you're very stuck in your head and your attempt for a makeout comes out of nowhere, is creepy and it that respect also certainly "difficult". But making out with a girl when you already had a good conversation and you simply flowed into it, is in the respect not so difficult at all. At most there can be some anxiety, but not that "extra layer of resistance", as Tyler calls it.

So the real courageous thing would be to acknowledge that not everything that seems courageous on the outer level is necessarily a smart thing to do. Like jumping in a Lion's cage. Jumping in a Lion's cage would also require a lot of courage, and it would also be something new. But of that I know that I shouldn't do it. Even though I know I haven't done it before I will not be able to convince myself the just because it is new that it would move me forward. That is clear.

 

So I really need to properly get it in my head that not everything that on the outer level requires courage is necessarily a smart thing to do. Sometimes the things that is truly courageous is admitting that doing the thing that seems not to be the most difficult thing to do is the right course of action. But this one is difficult, because it's in someway really stuck in my subconcious that "doing more things and new things is always better".

 

One thing I could do, however, is being sincere towards the girl that you want to do something but that you have difficulty doing it. I could say, for instance: "Hey I'd like to dance with you but I don't really know how to dance. Can you teach me?"

 

So next time I go out, I really need to remind myself that just because I haven't done something doesn't necessarily mean I should do it at that moment, if I should do it ever. More things and new things are not always better. Ask yourself: "How can I make this situation more fun?" instead of focusing on things that "need to be achieved or done".

 

Posted October 7th, 2017 at 1:49 PM Report | #12

 

Day 15 & 16:

 

I'm deciding now that it's better to start talking more about personal regular experiences, and less about game. In the past two days, nothing regarding game really happened but certainly some other things within my psyche and experience happened and I'd like to keep the diary active regardless.

 

What I've been doing more lately is helping my parents around in the house by doing a lot of chores. I didn't use to do this. It's for me a valuable learning experience to learn how to discipline myself into offering labour. I'd like to get myself out of this sloth and contribute more to my environment, and find pleasure in doing what most people consider as "boring chores". I've been noticing that it's been getting easier to do, and I find myself doing it with a better mood and less inner resistance. I'd like to learn to become a wholesome and responsible person. I see this as valuable training to become a more integrated being. I'd like to work on all aspects of self-development, certainly not only regarding game. I've been looking at passions, meditation, nutrition, responsibility, expansion, grounding... Game is one aspect I'd also like to work on, but I don't want it to become a singular focus. That's probably also why I haven't been gaming in the last two days. I don't feel like I want to do daygame anymore —I don't enjoy it— and nightgame I would only do when I actually go out. In fact, the idea of "gaming" has really lost my interest. I'd like to rephrase it: I'd like to go out and socialize and connect with a lot of people, to learn how to connect and communicate with people, men or women, and from there I hope some results may flower from. But if not, then I fall back on even a higher priority: Just to have fun. Whether I pull at the end of the night or not, the night is not wated if I had a blast. That's my priority now, and I feel if I simultaneously focus on improving my communcation skills with people during it, surely I will become quite successful with women. And if not... Who cares! I had a blast! See? That's my priority now: Learning how to have fun and just let go of all my desires and ambitions during it. Just to leeeeeeet gooooooo. I've had quite a bit of enjoyment the last two days sensing this new perspective in me. I enjoyed the thought of it and I embraced the change of outlook. The last two days have been the best in quite a long time, particulary yesterday. At least if I recall it all correctly. It also proves once again that after every low comes a high (relatively speaking). Tuesday I was so upset and had no idea what I had to really hold on to for pleasure and joy. But after every low comes a high. It was proved to me once again. Now i'm looking to expand my repertoire of experiences. For instance, I've been looking around and thinking about meeting up and going out with RSD members (because I reckon they know how to have fun) certain courses, like dancing, public speaking, singing. Singing, by the way, is where I have a lot of plans for too. I have felt quite a strong urge to express myself through singing the past few days. I have wanted to visit like barts that organize open mic nights and karaoke nights and such, but there aren't too many in my city. from what I've been able to find there are opporunities to do that on monday, wednesday and thursday evening. I had tried to visit a bar that would do that on Thursday, but I reckon I was probably too late for that. On saturday, however, I had also found an opportunity to sing karaoke in a neighbouring city. Might go there too today. I have to check it out. I simply really like to express myself through singing, and I want to see what opportunities are possible for that. Additionally to that, I also plan to go out today with fellow RSD members in a bigger city but which is further away where an RSD inner circle is established. If possible, I'd like to go out with some RSD affiliates this very night there, just to have fun.

 

I've also started to think a lot more about shame and embarrassment. For some reason, this has been a long-standing issue for me. It is very common for me to feel ashamed or embarrased about something that I did in the past, even if it was not that embarrassing at all. It's often even that in the moement itself I feel no shame about it, but when I later think back about these pangs of shame and embarrasment hit me again. I don't know why that is. I know rationally that in the first place there is no use to being ashamed about something, and in the second place that many of the things i feel ashamed or self-concious about many people wouldn't even think back about. This feeling of shame and embarrassment provides a little bit of a break on me trying new challenging things. I may still do it, but I hold back still a little bit because I'm afraid to embarrass myself and create some situation in which in the future I will think back about in shame. There's a bit of tension regarding it. It's totally useless, but somehow these flashes of shame hit me a lot, and it's getting quite disturbing at this point. I'd like to let go of it, but I don't know exactly how. I know, however, that "this too will change" and that I won't let these feelings of shame hold me back from doing what I really want to do. One day I'll have the right tools at my disposal to deal with this matter accordingly. I feel that because this issue is resurfacing at this moment, that day may be very soon.

 

Posted October 10th, 2017 at 12:20 PM Report | #13

 

Day 17, 18 and 19

 

Not keeping up with my journal so much. Hand't too much I felt like writing about. Until now

 

Saturday evening I wanted to go out to go to a karaoke event in a Neighbouring city. I had tried to see if I could go out with RSD members in Utrecht, but there was apparently nothing going on in Utrecht, which I found strange because the facebook group was rather big. So I went to that other city. When I went to it I noticed a sense of subtle peace and joy and awareness. It just suddenly came over me. Unfortunately the karaoke event was not active anymore. So i tried to dance a little bit in a bar, to not too much avail unfortunately. I couldn't really get into it and I left. I walked around the city a little bit, thinking. Then I went into a shoarma shop or something where I ordered a vegetarian shoarma thing and sat there for lke an hour maybe, reading some. Then I went into a empty garage where I practiced a little bit of singing some songs, and eventually after much waiting I caught the first train back to my main city. I do not regret going, because I take any experience, but it was unfortunate that I couldn't get myself loose.

 

Sunday nothing too noteworthy. Monday I have more to talk about. In the evening I went to a course in Tao, and after that I had planned to go to a possible open mic evening in a cafe. Besides being much too late when I arrived, the guy also told me that that open mic things was not active anymore. So thursday I was probably too late to do that open mic, staurday it was not there, monday it was not there. After I went home I just went and watched some TV, and now I'm finally getting to the point that I want to talk about. After watching TV, I noticed that it was really not so relaxing at all. It instead seemed to deprive me a little bit. After it, I started thinking... I felt once again that my life wasn't going into the right direction anymore. I kind of started slacking with doing chores around the house, and the temptation to do nothing productive started to grow, even though most of the time that left me more deprived. Now, instead of becoming aware of this situation and freaking out about it, I know that I should be glad that I've become aware of this. Also, it's really important to notice that it's still all part of the natural up-and-down cycles of life. Thursday and friday for instance I had felt pretty good, saturday rather neutral and sunday a nd particulary monday bit less. You always start to think that it's the specific content that happens in your life that is to blame, but I start to think that these cycles happen regardless and that the content is simply an excuse for you to not see the context. That's what I want to witness: You're feeling better (often seemingly because of something) and then you're feeling worse (once again often seemingly because of something). It always goes like that. I need to take a step back and see that this is simply how life goes. I feel good, then something arises that makes me feel worse again, then I either become frustrated or aware of it so I start to get myself together again, and then I start to feel better again. Then again despite my best intentions I may let something slack again or go in the wrong direction somewhere, then I become aware of something new and get myself together again. It always goes like that. I need to keep my distance, and see that nothing "good" or "bad" is seperate from its opposite. I need to be the watcher, not the participant.

 

Without further a due, lets talk about what my new issues have made me think about. For one: I'm becoming a little too attached to my ambitions and future aspirations and have lost a bit too much connectedness to the present moment. I have been wanting too much and have paid too little attention to what unfolds here and now. It's time again to really focus on staying present, but preferably as I'm doing something. I've kind of seperated doing and being so far, but I feel like I should practice being in doing a little bit more. I am starting to notice that no matter how many ideas or ambitions I am going to plan for the future, if I lose my roots in the present moment none of that will stay satisfactory. Then I always want more, but it is never enough. Like a bottomless pit.

 

Secondly: I need to change some habits. Instead of dazing myself with watching television and mindless youtube watching, ask myself: "what else could I be doing that is more creative, productive and/or enjoyable?". Even a simple walk or simply laying down on bed would suffice, but I have made a list of things that I could be doing.

Mind you, that does not mean I will stop watching television and youtube altogether, but I do want to lessen it and certainly stop doing it before i've done anything creative or productive that day. Preferably I would only do that in the evening.

 

So presence, particulary in doing, and a change of habits is now my current priority. But I know: "This too will change".

 

Oh, and as you've seen, game has really not been a interest of me anymore lately. I simply have not felt excitement for it, or have even barely been attracted to a woman that walked by. It has simply just slipped my mind, which is fine. As long as i'm not concerned about why make myself concerned about it? If I do start to feel arousal or motivation again I will continue.

 

Day 20:

 

Been contemplating a little bit. First of all, it seemed rather hard to keep myself occupied with things considering that I wasn't really motivated to do chores around the house. But as I've experienced in the past, you don't cease to exist if you can't come up with anything to do. Being afraid that you don't have anything to do is an irrational fear, because you'll get through the day always one way or another. Regardless, looking back on this day I always did something that I found appropiate at the time anyways. Having put a ban on leisure TV/Youtube watching, In the biginning of the day I did take care of some business: putting an advertisment up to offer my singing services in a band hopefully, taking care that driving lesson would get started, making contact to initiate singing lessons, informing if there really was nothing to do in Utrecht regarding RSD groups... That's what I did for like the first 1/2 hours of the day. The rest of the day, I alternated a little bit between reading, walking, resting, thinking... And in the evening, I once again had no plans at all, but then you find that once again you'll find some ideas. First off, I listened to a song I had in my head, then I wanted to go out but started become bothered by compulsory eating. Then I meditated on that, then I decided I wanted to go out to a cafe where I did a presence meditation in drinking tea, then I delivered a book to the library, then I went to a bar which I previously had my hopes for that I could participate in a jamsession there on wednesday and thursday. Turned out the old bar was closed and it had been replaced with a new one. derp. I did find out however that there were still oppurtunities to do karoake on wednesday, but that is however the same day as that one bar I had sung in an open mic session at. But I could still do one after another. Just unfortunate that it's one the same day.

 

Then once I got back, I once again started pondering upon that feeling of resistance I had kind of been feeling throughout the entire day. I first tried to meditate on it and just accept it and witness it, but I suppose I was still secretly trying to get rid of it. Then I took a walk outside and then I really started to think about it, what I was experiencing. What was it? Why was it there? This feeling of constriction and general resistance towards changes I wanted to make in my life. I started to realize that it was a form of fear. Put in my best words: it was probably a defense mechanism of my ego that did not want me to change my ways, that was afraid of change. It was resistance towards the feelings of me not being motivated. It was not accepting what I felt, which created and extra layer of resistance. And what is ego? A survival mechanism. The ego wants security and stability, but for happiness you can not be attached to a secure and stable life.

 

So it was a certain fear. Then what was the remedy? Trying to get rid of it would not work, because you would once again start fighting with it. I realized that acceptance needed to start to come in once again. Once again I was confronted with the paradoxes of life. I needed to be okay with the fact that I possibly would go the wrong way. I needed to be okay with the fact that I would possibly get lazy again. I needed to be okay with the fact that I possibly would not fulfill the ambitions I held. I needed to dismantle the fears of not achieving or persisting in what I wanted to do or be. I needed to let go of expectations and simply say to myself: "Whatever happens, it is OK". That was the appropiate step to take right now. But I realized that I didn't need to say that to get rid of resistance so I could do what I had set myself out to do, but I knew I had to mean it. It was still relatively easy to say that when you also had the thought in mind that there is no good or bad, that the negative always gets counterbalanced with the positive. But as I walked back I started to wonder... Is that true acceptance? If I still relied on a specific thought, that "there is no good or bad" to make me able to accept what I felt and thought, then was it TRUE acceptance to how I felt? Could I accept how I felt and what I thought and whatever life might still contain without any reason as to why? Could I even accept the concept of hell, as to how the christians described it? Is there such a thing as to accepting a grim possibility in the future, or does acceptance always only contain the present moment? Thinking about that last question, I'd probably have to say about it that you may indeed project your current feelings onto the future, but that projection is always happening in the present moment, since the present moment is all there is. Regardless whether your fear is concerned about the present moment or the future, you can dismantle the fear by accepting what could be. So my anwer to that question would be "yes". By the way, isn't fear always concerned about the future? Can there be fear without future? I think not

 

I know the concept of hell —the imagined christian hell— is, as the way I experience it, merely a thought form. It has no roots in anything I've personally experienced, nor do I have any grounded reason to think that such a hell would exist. And neither would I have any reason to believe that the negative is sometimes not counterbalanced by the positive. Through experience, I have always seen that the negative, the painful and the suffering, has always been counterbalanced by happiness and/or depth, usually (if not always) both. Or I've at least always trusted since I've become accustomed to certain spiritual teaching that that is the case, even if there were specific instances where I could not clearly see it. So there is also no reason for me to think through personal experience that the negative would not be counterbalanced by the positive somehow. There has always been a certain trust that it did. But I still wonder... Can I accept whatever is and whatever could be without relying on that sentiment? Can I accept and surrender without any reason why? That's what I'm trying to find out.

 

Can I just say: "Whatever happens, it is okay" and mean it? I would like to. If I could just say that to myself and mean it, and persist it throughout my entire life with full conviction, then I would already be spiritually enlightened, wouldn't I? But perhaps there are certain moments, where I am able to say that to myself and mean it. Moments where I need to prioritize and practice acceptance. Not every moment of life needs to be that way, because life is dynamic and you need to learns lessons through different ways and experiences. But those moments, for now, are enough. So that's what i'm trying to practice. Acceptance.

 

I also remember the last time I got over this feeling of resistance. What did I do? I said to myself: "I am going to do what I set myself out to do, so whether this feeling of resistance is there or not, I will do it regardless". Thinking back to that, that was also acceptance. Simply the firm decision to rely on discipline and not motivation. Do I need to go back to that? Am I able to now? Or am I now the phase where I put emphasis on the inner aspect of it instead of the outer aspect? Determination, as I've noticed, is also a certain surrender and acceptance. The more determined you are, the less room for doubt and confusion, thus the less you are in your mind and the more you are fully able to focus on what you are doing. I have experienced this a few times in the past too. However fruitful determination may be for that moment, I also have the feeling that it is not something that can be maintained throughout long periods of time. Not true determination. Or... can it? Determination is one way to surrender. What is the other way? Acceptance through insight. Saying: "Whatever happens, it is okay"; whereas determination is basically: "I'm making it happen, so it's okay". Determination is surrender through doing. Acceptance is surrender through Being. Determination requires a clear vision and a strong intent to reach it. Acceptance requires an awareness that resitance is the root cause of suffering, and that acceptance to whatever Is or could be breaks you out of it, which is also a paradox because then you tend to accept only because you want to get rid of the suffering. So acceptance, if you're suddenly able embody it, is truly a miracle... But it does happen.

 

So that makes me wonder where I stand now... Am I to surrender through doing or Being? Or better... can I reconcile the two? Can I bridge the gap I've felt so far between doing and Being and make it into one? Throughout the past ~5 years I've always felt like it was either/or. Either I was to fully commit to something and so to surrender in that way, or I was to fully accept what was and what could be and so to surrender in that way. Either way was fine, as long as I was fully involved in it. But the transitional phase between the two outlooks has proven to be the most difficult, I've noticed. When one single outlook doesn't really work for you anymore but you're not completely ready yet to transition to/include the other outlook aswell. And the transition always comes eventually...

 

Right now I want to see if I can bridge the two outlooks... That I feel is now the main focus point in my current stage of life. I know that neither doing or Being alone can offer me salvation and happiness. I need to learn to connect the two. To be able to bring up some determination for something but yet at the same time accept whatever is and could be. I need to see those two perspectives not as opposite to each other but as integral, as cooperative

 

Day 21 and 22:

 

yesterday, wednesday, was interesting. After having to waiting another week to do an open mic session or karoake, i got to the same cafe again and signed myself up to sing a song. I had to wait a long time before i was able to do that, but meanwhile I decided to simply enjoy the music and let go. And that worked! I actually really enjoyed that evening just listening to the music, not even really interacting with other people. And particulary after I had sung on stage (and during too), which the crowd really seemed to enjoy, I was in a really good mood, until I simply started to feel some disturbing thoughts that said I should approach, which I could tell I didn't really feel like doing. It was interesting, because I was fine before but as soon as I started to think in the mofe of "picking up girls" I pretty much temporarily lost my state, until I focused back on the music again. It helped to say to myself that I was simply going to talk, and not flirt, if a conversation would come up naturally. Strange how that goes... The funny thing was... I haven't really been thinking about girls for days, and then when I'm there and I'm actually a bit in state, singing along and enjoying the music, then suddenly I start to think about approaching girls, which I actually feel nothing for at that moment. It's strange, isn't it? I guess my mind wanted me back to give attention to it... Which I guess it sort of succeeded in, because when I thought about it too much I lost my state and felt like going home, which I did. It had been a much more enjoyable and longer night than I had expected to anyways, so it was fine to me.

 

Today there isn't really much to talk about, or that I want to talk about. I know I can elaborate in every little thing to a hundredfold, but I prefer to not do that right now. Really the only thing that is noteworthy mentioning is that I've been feelings insecure about a guy who I could perhaps form a band with has not replied but has seen my voice message where I gave an example of my singing capacities. Perhaps not that good? But I felt like it was more important to simply learn to enjoy it and stick with that than to really have to be good at it.

 

Posted October 13th, 2017 at 10:41 PM Report | #16

 

Later part of day 22:

 

After I had written my previous journal notes yesterday, I still went out to go to a cafe to see if a jamsession was going on there. I had been there a bit earlier when it was just supposed to start. I thought I was too early then so I went again now. It was not active due to the fact that the sessionleaders or something were sick. But instead of going home, I got the spontaneous idea to go further down to the downtown area to visit the cafe I've been to a couple of times before. I went there, and now my main focus was to dance and forget everything. That actually worked now a little bit. Even on my own without any alcohol, i slowly started to become loose and eventually started to dance quite loosely. Then this girl showed up again that about a week ago completely got me stuck in hesitation because back then I didn't know how to respond. I still had no way to respond, but this time her presence didn't manage that much to bring me out of state again. However, the thoughts about "How should I respond to this?" still slowly siphoned in. Eventually that was once again a big factor of why I went home (besides the fact that I didn't feel like I would be able to last that long anyways). But now I started to really think about it. I realized that even though I really knew how to dance and sing freely, I had no idea how to dance with other people (girls) or how to flirt with them. If a girl invtied me to dance or flirt with her I had no idea what I would do. At home, I really started to think about this situation... Just trying to flirt out of nowhere or dance with a girl out of nowhere seemed so odd and strange to me. That gap seemed to big and alien. I had no idea how I would respond to it. Then it hit me. Why not simply communicate to a girl that I wanted to practice flirting and dancing with her, but also say that I had no experience in it? Why not simply be completely open and vulnerable about what I'm facing to her? That would take all the pressure off the fear of feeling like I would be acting manufactured and pretentious. Simply communicate to the girl that flirting and dancing is something I want to learn, and that I want to practice it with her, but also at the same time say to her that I'm not good of it. There is no technique to this. It's simply literally expressing what's on my heart. The idea of it felt very relieving.

 

From that point on, I started to feel these sexual desires for girls again that I hadn't felt pretty much at all in like a week. Funny, huh? And not necessarily even the desire for sex (although that is part of it), but the desire to communicate with the other sex. To reunite the yin and yang energy on the level of form.

 

Day 23:

 

My inability to flirt coupled with a returning sexual desire troubled me once again whilst I was taking my first driving lesson. After my part was done, another girl stepped in to drive. Me, my driving instructor and her chatted a little bit, but I felt once again a bit frustrated that I couldn't take the conversation past the formal or friendly narrative, and turn it into a flirtatious one (even with the driving instructor there). I felt like it was an energy that was supressed. That the energy wanted to be expressed, but it didn't know how.

 

This evening I had the plan to simply go up to a girl or a few girls and explain exactly what I was struggling with and request if I could practice. I noticed a certain resistance. It's also funny to notice how your mind tries to prevent you from moving forward in this way. In this particular case, I was bothered simply by the fact that there was something stuck between my teeth. Tiny problems get really magnified into distracting compulsions, which was now the way my mind tried to hold me back, I noticed. Eventually I talked to some girls in a bar about this  —after taking my time to actually do it, and already having deposited my jacket there and having went back outside because I was too nervous (which is all behaviour which I'm fine with, as long as I don't judge mysellf for it)— Even though they responded neutrally and cooperatively, and I did my little bit of announced practice, the ending was just a little bit awkward because I was asking when there was a silence: "should we end the conversation now or do you have anything you still wanna talk about?". But she didn't hear it the first time so I had to explain and repeat myself again, making the end of the conversation a bit awkward, even though during the conversation it was fine. But somehow that did get to me a little bit. I still walked around after that through the streets to see if I could practice this on a second set. But I didn't see any particular set that spoke to me to much, because what I was looking for was 1 or max 3 girls standing outside the entrance of a club talking. That seemed the most comfortable to me. I didn't really feel like doing anything too much outside my comfort zone right now. People could argue that I should, but simply based on my own judgement and experience I didn't want to do that. All I needed to do really was that one set; Doing something else now was just a bonus. I did however spot two girlssitting on a terrace that seemed approachable. However, I noticed that I was a bit too destabilized, so I sat on a bench and did some breathing meditation to focus and center, and to slow down in particular. The quality of the conversation mattered to me at this point (as far as I had control over it), so I wanted to center indeed. It is funny however that even though this seems like the most normal practice in the world to me, the people around you in a club environment somehow always seem to think that there's something wrong with you when you're doing that. In front of me about 10 meters away sat a group of youngsters, who were taunting and shouting at me. I laughed because I found it somewhat funny. Then I was asked if I was doing alright. I said I was okay, but that I just wanted to take some rest. Then they said: "Why don't you go to your bed if you want some rest?". I replied that I was simply "getting restful" (or whatever the best translation of my native tongue would be). The guy said: "oh something like yoga then?". I laughed inside. I replied that it was meditation and not yoga. It seemed funny to me that a lot of people weren't even aware of what basic meditation meant. There is so much unawareness in younger mainstream society that even the simplest practice of meditation that someone does somewhere in the street seems completely outlandish to them. I had this experience too when a few years ago I was at a party. I simply closed my eyes to center there and I was asked if I was alright. Meanwhile, at the same party there was a guy literally spazzing out on nitrous oxide or helium or whatever was in those balloons, and he was not asked if he was okay. Apparently, it is normal to be completely intoxicated by whatever drugs which results in bizarre behaviour, but if someone tries to meditate and become more concious and centered somehow that person is the weird one. This crazy world...

 

Continuing with my previous story... After centering a little bit I still wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to approach those girls on the terrace. It really was a 50/50 feeling. I felt like it was better in this particular case if I still just went to do it for the experience, but even as I got nearer I started doubting again... It was not hesitation fatigue necessarily, but really just uncertainty. What i decided to do was flip a coin and go with the outcome of that coin. Head was going for it, tail was not. It was tail. So I left.

 

I still thought about why I had felt a little bit disappointed about this evening even though I did what I set out to do. I concluded that it had to do with expectations. I had fantasized that being completely open about that I wanted to flirt would relieve me so much and make me so happy that I suddenly would be able to flirt from 0 to 100 and that the night was a blast. I now realized that I had attached myself too much to that idea. I had also fantasized that the first conversation would because of this be a great one, which secretly also made me a little bit outcome dependant, but only really afterwards, funnily enough. Because then I had time to start reflect on it and be disappointed about it.

 

Simply a case of managing expectation, and simply foucsin on the process entirely, not on the outcome. Whether that outcome is how the girls respond or to how I start to feel does not matter so much. Both I see as outcome if you had expectations or attachment for it.

 

Tomorrow I will do this same thing during daygame, and I will see if I can have some fun going out clubbing tonight too. If I then am having fun and I see a pretty girl I want to flirt with, I walk up and say: "Hey I want to flirt to you, but I don't know how to flirt. Can you show me how to flirt with you?", or something to that nature. Genuine. Direct. Congruent. Same for wanting to dance with a girl.

 

Posted October 15th, 2017 at 5:24 PM Report | #17

 

Day 24:

 

This day I had not enjoyed that much. Even though the idea of approaching a girl and just saying I wanted to practice flirting (or dancing in the evening at the club) had seemed like a really good idea when I first thought of it, now I simply felt nothing to do that with an approach with a random girl on the street. I just lazed around once again and read and rested some. In the evening I had an agreement that I would go to a theatre play with my mother and some of her friends. It was about refugees. Before the play began, but already at the location, I did see a girl in the local bar there that interested me. Even before I arrived at the location I had thought of doing this. I did this out of sight where my mother and her friends were located. I really felt like I needed to do this before the play began. So I walked up to the table with her and her friend, and I simply tried to be congruent and kept it short and just asked if she wanted to hang out with me some time and grab a drink. She declined. I understand it though... I may not necessarily be creepy (at least I don't view myself that way), but I don't think she had a lot of positive reasons to agree with my proposal, because... Well I had really not shown much effort to make a connection with her. I understand it from the girl's point of view that there it doesn't always seem exciting for her to agree with a guy's proposal to hang out if she doesn't really know the guy at all for longer than 20 seconds. Some girls might, I reckon. Some girls may feel like taking a chance just because they like a surprise, but I understand that girls are generally attracted to guys when they feel an emotional connection to them. You can't form that in 20 seconds of a formal/friendly proposal.

 

Even though I was glad that I had done it, I was still hurt by the rejection. I started to feel a bit of self-pity: "I'll never be succesful with a girl", "Why don't they just allow this sincere and authentic guy a chance". Thoughts from that order and feelings associated with it perpetrated my being, which continued a bit during the play. I felt rather sad. Feelings of inadequacy washed over me.

 

After the play, I went out walking to a beach area along the river where I wanted to practice this song "wake me up when september ends" by Green day. It seemed to fit my current mood and I felt like expressing and learning that song fully. I practiced it and eventually tried to practice it in the highest octave that my belting voice could reach (for those unfamiliar with the term "belting", it is basically a controlled and musical form of shouting. With that I mean that, just like shouting you bring up the resonance of your chest voice up to the mouth cavity and sing like that. Most great singers in for example the pop genre do this. Just search up the term on google). I practiced until I could do the entire song somewhat out of memory in my highest belting octave. I tried to go full out now, which eventually made me cry and then twirl whilst screaming. This may sound dramatic to you, like I'm going insane, but I assure you I have done this more often and always with retaining my awareness. I've practiced full expression before so in my particular case "completely letting go" is not a form of uncontrolled madness, but rather a concious practice, in where the emphasis is more on letting it happen than making it happen. I may have had a moment where I was able to completely let go, but quickly after I was once again bothered and constricted in full expression by the fact that boats were passing by, which made me feel self-concious. I really bothered me that that prevented me from fully letting go. Perhaps I should next time when I fully want to express a song go to that other place, where no boats are passing by, but there are some houses in the distance which does concern me a little bit. Mind you, fully letting go is LOUD. Either way I find it really important that I fully am able to let go. Otherwise I feel that I may aswell not try at all.

 

When I went back home, I thought once again about this girl situation earlier this evening. I realized that it actually was completely justified that that girl rejected me. I realized that I had created this self-pity ego construct where I had this self-view of this "innocent and sincere guy that despite being so authentic and genuine wasn't getting what he deserved for his innocence". That is the construct that I had created. I had created an ego about me being (or viewing myself as) authentic, kind, genuine, congruent, innocent. I had created a certain demand that that behaviour entitled me to a certain result. I had created this idea that I was in this way special and therefore deserved validation from women. I was therefore not truly ready to share kindness and pleasure with a woman, but it was more an attempt to reassert the egoic idea that I was entitled to certain results because of my perceived behaviour. In other words: I was in scarcity, not abundance; I was in taking mode, not sharing mode; I was attached to the result, not enjoying the process. It perfectly makes sense that I got rejected, and it perhaps exactly what I needed too. It is natural to feel a bit hurt after a rejection, but at the same time I know that if I did get a date and validation it would've built up more ego that at some point would've needed to be destroyed again. Pain has a function in this way: it erodes the ego away because maintaining that ego becomes at some point too painful. So it doesn't matter when you experience success and when you experience failure, in the end you will have to suffer just as much. And that is a reality I will need to learn

 

Half of day 25:

 

Decided to note the experiences of the first half of the day already, before I will write about the rest either as an edit later on this evening or tomorrow, likely. First off, in the first time in quite a while I decided to allow myself to ejaculate during masturbation to see how that would feel; I had learned that maintaining your ejaculate would maintain your energy within your body which could be used for creative purposed. I did feel a bit deflated today after doing that, but I can't be sure if I wouldn't have felt the same way if I hadn't done that.

 

Regardless, just like yesterday I started the day off lazing around and reading some. Unlike the days I had experienced before, I did not feel very capable anymore to feel a sense of gratitude and appreciation in the moderate pain I was experiencing. The days before this I had felt some pain indeed but for the first time in quite a long time I felt a bit of space around it, and was able to be at peace with what I was feeling. That "being at peace with", by the way, has been a priority higher than "being happy", because I know that you can't always be happy, impossible. But I know that you can be at peace with what you're experiencing. I found it much more important to accept life as it is instead of opposing it and being so keen on trying to be happy. So today I didn't really feel that sense of appreciation for my pain anymore, even though I still rationally knew that the negative and positive always counterbalance each other and that I should keep awareness of the context and not get too attached to the content. But sometimes you may know it rationally, but simply not experience it. Peace is what makes life bearable always. If you lose your sense of peace, you will always demand more of life and resist what currently is in one way or another. I'd much rather experience being peaceful in unhappiness than not being peaceful in happiness. Depression may come whilst you are at peace, but despair and suicidality never come if you are at peace with what is. Peace always connects you with a certain trust that things simply go exactly as they should. If you lose this sense of peace, you lose this sense of trust too, no matter how much you rationally try to convince yourself that you should be trusting in life.

 

So now I had lost a bit of peace again. Not that I was suicidal or desperate. Far from it, still. but I did want to once again change my heading a little bit. I also noticed that I was regaining some tendencies for compulsions. Rather, I would describe it as a certain tension that results in compulsions. What I decided to do was to simply go back to helping out in doing chores again. Cleaning the kitchen. What I noticed is that the compulsive tendency almost dissapated instantly. It was much easier to forget now about it. It made me think also about this statement Tyler had once said: "You aren't able to recieve until you have given". I want to rephrase that: "You aren't able to recieve until you are GIVING". If you are giving, you are simultaneously receiving  the joy of it. The joy of giving IS receiving. The joy of giving is enough unto itself. This is what I thought. Even though the changes may intially seem subtle, meaning it may not instanlty make me feel very energized, I do notice that it simply gets me out of my head, my problems and my self-concerns. So regarding this success with women thing... Can I learn to give in socializing with people (not just women) so it becomes enough unto itself? Rather, can I focus on offering labour and happiness so that it becomes enough onto itself and the whole women thing becomes in a way obsolete? What helped before, I noticed, is simply becoming active in doing household activities and exercise again and really just putting your focus somewhere else.

 

Yeah, I think I get it. The cure for scarcity or attachment is not trying to solve the "problem" but to simply redirect your focus to put more energy into creative and productive areas of your life so you simply forget about it. It is simply a matter of focus. I think redirecting focus may be the key to living a peaceful life. If you don't conciously redirect your focus all the time, your ego takes over and sends the energy to the mind where it keeps repeating the same petty bullshit in your head over and over again. Is redirection of focus the key to life? Simple energy management?

 

The question is, though, do I truly get it or do I keep forgetting it again and again and again...? Probably. But that's fine. That's how one learns.

 

Later part of day 25:

 

This evening I had decided to do something ballsy. After having laid in bed for a bit, I realized the root cause of why I was so afraid of reading some texts back where I was very open that I had sent to someone or some forum or something like that. It was the fear of being rejected for who I am. If I put myself completely open I make myself vulnerable to be criticized for it. But I realized that even despite that fear I could not let it run my life. I needed to express my gifts, even if there would be some commotion about it.

 

So what I decided to do that evening was to make a text about why one should choose life over death (a text for potentially suicidal people) that I had written on a forum public on facebook. That's pretty much the first time I have opened myself up that way to friends and family about the depth of my thoughts and feelings. Never have I done that in such a way before. I kind of hope the people on facebook won't do some research to find these posts on rsdnation, since I used the same username. But if it happens... I bet they won't say a thing about it anyways. And if they do... Well... Is it really something I can't handle?

 

Day 26:

 

The next day I was pretty much offstruck about it through my own self-conscious insecurities. I did however do a little bit of menial work around the house still, but due to me getting up late as was usual in this time, there was not too much I did. But something is better than nothing, so it was fine.

 

This day I was bothered just like yesterday by what felt as a feeling of both emptiness and energy in the front of my body. Even though I could feel the energy throughout all (or most) of the front centers —the sex center, the navel, the heart and the throat— I mostly experienced it as a nervous sexual energy where I would slightly freak out if I were reminded of attractive women in some way. Sexual craving, is the best way to describe it. But certainly not a healthy one. However, at the moment in the afternoon itself I found that it was best not to put a judgement on it and just accept it as it was. To just feel it as I laid down. That helped somewhat, but I still had this desire for this feeling not to be there after I was done and it still was there. This feeling continued throughout the evening during my Tao training too, and after it I decided to go to a remote place to see if I could sing. Because what I had heard during the Tao training is that after the energy has been raised from the sex center throught the spine and then through the head to the heart and the navel center, after that the energy would evaporate and would result in emotions that needed to be expressed through healing sounds or something like that. I interpreted in a way that I could express it through singing too, since singing was a vocal activity and also one of my passions.

So In the evening cycled to a remote location where I would sing, was the idea. When I got to a good spot after doing some exploration, I started before making any loud vocal sound doing some thinking about what this nervous energy was that I was feeling and if there was more to it then I had initially interpreted. After all, I didn't really feel like singing at this point and it was now really just more an idea in my head than a spontaneous urge to express it. I did some humming however, which felt good, but not ultimately relieving.

So I started thinking... What is it that I'm feeling and why is it there? And how do I deal with it. I then realized that what I was experiencing was a desire for love, to be loved, to feel love. Sex was naturally part of that desire because sex —if done correctly— is the crescendo of making love. Yes, that was it! I wanted to feel love. Love was what I was lacking. But I knew that if I searched for love outside of me I would become a validation-seeking black hole. I knew I could not afford that. So what was the cure? I simply realized that the ones who search for love are the ones who don't have it. In other words: I needed to once again stop focusing on my own desires and start to give and share again. I needed to cultivate love within myself by giving love. That is the revelation I had. Because I had experienced: Whenever I was jsut carelessly happy I wanted to make other people happy too. Same experiences I had in the club too: When I was in a good mood I wasn't searching for validation from women but just wanted to see other people have fun. I was already happy enough within myself, and so there was no necessity for any women to supply me with love.

 

And that I think is the shift I need to make. If I want to stop clinging to the need to seek love and validation from women, then I have to give it myself. Love at least; Validation is another discussion. I need to remember that. I brought this point up in my previous journal point too... But it is so vital that I repeat it once again: Whenever I start to crave love, I need to focus on other areas of my life and particulary the area of giving and sharing, so that happiness grows from within and I therefore am not seeking it from the outside anymore. I need to become a complete and fulfilled being. How can I be succesful in the area of women if I am demanding them to make me happy? Conversely, how can I be truly affected by any rejection and lack of validation if I within myself carry a strong foundation of balance, peace and happiness?

 

And thinking back about it... The most peaceful moments I have exprerienced was right after I had shared. I can remember a couple of occassions: About 1,5 years back I had written an intrusive text which I felt really inspired by, and I felt really uplifted after I had written that. But also that text I was talking about earlier when I was writing that text about why to choose life over death about 1,5 week ago. After it I felt a deep sense of peace. But also after I simply posted in on Facebook I had the same experience. And... When I realized that I needed to share more again yesterday evening at the remote place, then I thought of things I could do to help and share and even that thought of it relinquished this agitated feelings of emptiness in my front centers and got me excited. You could of course argue that it was all due to being struck by a creative impulse, a gift of god so to say that you can't always recreate, but even if you have no creative inspiration isn't doing something for other people with the intent of helping them always uplifting for your own spirit? I put "with the intent" in bold letters because I know there are a lot of people who are attempting to be generous work but at the same time really don't do it meditatively and lovingly at all and just burn themselves out. Doing something out of a sense of duty is often better than not doing anything at all, but doing it lovingly is even better, and that spirit is what I'm trying to reconnect with.

 

Remember cowboy. You are here not just for yourself. You are here to help and share with others too

 

Day 27:

 

Is being more loving something I can become? Can I make it into a goal? Can I open my heart by acting as if I am loving? I am starting to ask myself these questions after reading these words from osho

 

"Bliss is not happiness. Bliss is more like peace than like happiness. Bliss is neither unhappiness nor happiness; it is peace from that turmoil, that conflict. It is peace, absolute peace, because it is a transcendence of duality. Happiness always lingers with unhappiness; unhappiness is always with its other side, happiness. They are two sides of the same coin. When the whole coin drops from your hand you are neither happy nor unhappy.

 

It is because of this that Buddha never had a great appeal to the Indian masses. Who wants peace? Everybody wants happiness – and everybody knows that happiness is followed by unhappiness, as day is followed by night, as death is followed by birth, birth is followed by death. It is a vicious circle: if you are happy, you can be certain that soon you will be unhappy; if you are unhappy, you can be certain that soon you will be happy again.

Seeing this game of happiness and unhappiness, the watcher, the meditator becomes unidentified with both. When happiness comes he knows that unhappiness will be coming, so why get excited? When unhappiness comes he is not at all disturbed because he knows happiness will be coming just around the corner, so why become disturbed? He is neither excited by happiness nor disturbed by unhappiness. This is peace. He remains the same, in a deep equilibrium; his silence is undisturbed. Day comes and goes, night comes and goes, everything comes and goes. He remains a witness, unconcerned, cool. That coolness, that unconcernedness is peace."

 

I know what he means. I've experienced it —amongst other times— like 2 hours before writing this. I was meditating for an hour on these feelings of heaviness I was feeling and I was really just watching and not judging. That has been my goal all along since my shift 2,5 months ago. Peace, not happiness.

 

But then... what about cultivating love? It is the age-old tug of war between being and becoming again. With this tug of war between being and becoming, the text of one of Dan Millman's books comes to mind. I have never seen this tug of war seen explained so clearly:

 

"Both conventional and transcendental states of awareness have

value. If you can't find peace here in daily life, you won't find it

elsewhere. Reaching beyond the conventional mind-set isn't an act

of will but of remembrance. When you've experienced deep

relaxation, it's easier to return to that state. The same holds true

once you've tasted the transcendent.

 

Even in moments of elevated awareness. you'll need to take out

the trash and do the laundry. So even in the midst of everyday

life—as you do what you do according to all that has shaped

you—you'd be wise to live as if time exists, so you can keep an

organized calendar. Live as if you make conscious choices, so you

can take responsibility for them. Live as if accidents happen, so

you can stay vigilant. Live as if you're an independent individual,

so you fully appreciate your innate worth and singular destiny.

And live as if death is real, so that you can savor the precious

opportunity that is life on planet Earth.

 

Until you experience transcendent truths directly, stay open to

the possibility. You can bridge conventional and transcendental

awareness whenever you remember to shift awareness from [one to another that serves you best at that moment] (I came up with that bit myself because from there the google example stops)"

 

What that means for me is that I simply play around with both perspectives. 'm now particulary talking about the perspectives between being and becoming. Whenever I get too preoccupied in the conventional perspective, I shift to the transcendental perspective to regain my balance. Since I'm not enlightened yet, I automatically shift back to the conventional perspective too. And the conventional perspective has meaning to me too, not only in merely practical terms. I know very well that pursuing desires can not lead to fulfillment directly. I know very well that Osho and many other spiritual teachers have explained many times that enlightenment happens when all desires and goals are dropped. At the same time I've also heard that ambitions have to be exhausted until you can see the point that all ambitions are futile. You can make many arguments about it, I know that. Ultimately, I don't know for sure whether I should try to stick to either the conventional or transcendental perspective, but when I heard the suggestion that you can shift back and forth between the conventional and transcendental perspective, it connected to me deeply. Previously, there had been so much confusion as to whether to choose the conventional or transcendental perspective. But hearing that life exists out of switching back and forth these perspectives, I relaxed.

 

But still... Love. What to say about love? Can you become loving? Can you make love into an ambition simply by acting as if you are loving? Or is love something that flows naturally when you are simply at peace? Perhaps... both? Or does your desire to become loving in fact block your potential to become loving? Is it like happiness? That when, you search for happiness it eludes you, and when you stop seeking it it comes?

 

I'm wondering this because yesterday I had thought that I could make a shift by focusing my attention from myself to others. Today I am thinking that I can make a shift by simply surrendering, keeping my distance, and allowing life to flow as it is. Now I am questioning my first statement, because it appears to contradict or at least not support the second one. I find that rather confusing. I'm trying to see how I can reconcile these two.

 

Then my answer would be... it once again depends on the situation. Yesterday I was aware that I had not been caring much about others. It felt like an appropiate shift to make at that time to be in service of others again. It did help a little bit. It did get me out of my head and that agitated feeling of emptiness in the front of my body has dissipated and the cravings diminished. Just because today there was once again a certain heaviness that I felt does not make it untrue what I thought yesterday, about this feeling of emptiness being caused by me being so concerned about myself, and that I therefore desired love because I had no love within me. No, it was not untrue; There was simply yet another perspective to be considered. Yet again it proves that for an ordinary human being on his path of self-development he literally is required to bring a balance between the conventional and the transcendental truths. One perspective can only serve you for a particular amount of time before the ego comes in and sabotages it. Then once again you need to make another shift to move on and take the next step. That's how life unfolds. A perspective works, until it doesn't. Then you need to move on.

 

But I wonder about peace, however... Osho has said that awareness is the one thing that goes above the law of dualities. How must I interpret this? So even shifting back and forth between the conventional and the transcendental can be seen as the yin and yang, as part of the law of opposites. But is peace and awareness not? Because I have experienced times where I have not felt at peace and where I have felt at peace; different from happiness. And just like awareness... When I'm asleep i'm certainly not as aware as when I'm awake. Perhaps the difference is... that unlike the others things in the universe there is no polar opposite to it but it is simply subjugated to a scale. Perhaps you can be less aware and more aware, since there is really nothing opposite to being aware. Being unconcious would simply mean being less concious. And you can also be less peaceful and more peaceful,  but you can not be anti-peaceful... or... can you be? Wouldn't that be called resistance? Perhaps resistance means you're simply lower on the scale of peace.

 

Well I don't really know anymore where I'm going with this. You could even make arguments that everything would be on a scale instead of confined to two polar opposites. So it gets very philosophical and very confusing. But the basic question I had was this: If everything is subject to the law of opposites, then is peace too, or is that something that can be trained? You can't train yourself to be happy, since happiness will always be countered with unhappiness. Therefore, ambitions are futile. But what about peace? Can becoming peaceful be your ambition? Just to be clear once again with what I mean with peace: I consider peace being at peace with whatever is. If happiness is not trainable, then is peace? Or is peace simply... awareness? Do you experience more peace as you become more aware, since awareness allows you to see that all striving for happiness is futile, and thus you become unconcerned and therefore peaceful, at peace. Is it like that?

 

Can I train to be peaceful directly? Or does that "training to be at peace" simply imply a cover-up for training to be happy?

Or does life experience have to provide me with an increasing awareness that all striving is futile... And then at the moment I realize that... I become peaceful and unconcerned...? Do I simply realize this more often and retain and internalize this realization more often as I get older?

 

Can peace be obtained through conscious practice or does it arise out of awareness only? Or... both?

 

Day 28:

 

I'm starting to feel like I don't really wanna write my journal so much anymore, because all the thinking is tiring me out. But for the sake of... others who perhaps might look at my journal one day and thereby get a inspiration of what things could be like, or gain new perspectives. Even though all the thinking now feels like it's tiring me out, for the sake of completeness I don't want to leave out the details of the worse days too.

 

Lets start with the evening. I had the idea to meditate and to see if I could perhaps have a similair experience as yesterday, or just to see what happened. The danger with that is that it allows certain thoughts and feelings to rise to the surface. If you're not entirely in a state of surrendering, you may start to identify with these amplified sensations and then you may really start to freak out about them. I had this a little bit. I'm not making a judgement whether or not I should be meditating like that, but I must be aware of the fact that it causes unconcious luggage to arise from the depths to the surface. And then it's very easy to get identified with them.

 

I guess that's what happened to me. I first still printed out some guitar chords and tabs for the guitarist to play for an open mic I was going to do. After that, I took a walk where I felt so concerned about this whole situation with women thing. I started feeling desperate. After 28 days still nothing had happened, and I started to feel like it would never become anything. But meanwhile I felt like I couldn't give it up altogether either, so I was in a mess. But during my complaining I stopped myself and jsut for a moment saw with awareness what I was doing. Just for a moment I took a step back and saw that it wasn't necessary to lose distance fromt he content, and once again see the context a little bit. I held that realization a little bit. As I was going to the club or cafe I had the idea that I should maybe just try to talk once I got there and keep talking. Forget about this whole ego construct, forget about this whole idea that I needed to be seen as a person of elegance, and just allow myself to act stupid if I had to and allow myself to be embarrasing. I actually did that for 3 sets, but after the third set it stagnated and I just felt like I couldn't go on any longer. I went out of the club, and thought about this situation and felt even more desperate than before. With that anxiety and desperation, I noticed, both the thought of continuing on despite the resistance and stopping altogether seems to evoke a lot of fear. It is confusion too. It is uncertainty. That is something to be very aware of. Continuing on, you reason (particulary at that moment) that you need to suffer more before you can understand that you need to give it up. Stopping, you reason, is that you can train yourself not to be desperate anymore and drop the ambitions right now, that you have the choice to stop right now. I did my song however (not the song I wanted but okay), but left shortly after. I did manage to get involved in the enviroment a little bit still, but not too much.

 

Day 29: Now I had to see how to deal with this situation. I went out and thought about it. I can only come to this conclusion:

 

I need to forget about it altogether as an ambition. As an ambition, as a need, there will be no satisfaction in doing anything women-related. If you somehow already manage to be with a girl, it will not take long before the desperation takes over and ruins it and leaves you even off more desperate.

 

But I will not forget about it as a means to start engaging with it again. It will not be a trick. I will forget about it to forget about it, whilst not preventing me from approaching a woman, but also not expecting it. I will forget about it except for the time I will actually be considering it, but I will leave very little room for doubt and confusion. And every choice I make I will make in the present moment, yes or no, without fear of making the wrong choice but just doing it. I will stay open to any possibilities, but I will not be expecting myself to approach women anytime soon. So even though I could make more ambitions, I am not expecting that I would anytime soon. If this ambition with game would simply never work out for me I will have to accept that possibility, and also the cravings that would still come along the way. Still I am not making a rule for myself that I couldn't approach whilst craving or desperate, I just don't expect it. Because I want to stay open and make every choice in the present moment, not make plans. I will meanwhile put my focus on other things in life that make me happy, and try to forget about this whole game thing whenever it isn't relevant to the present-moment situation. It easier to say to say that I would stop the ambition altogether and prevent myself from doing anything related to it ever once again, or for the upcoming time, but who knows I will be enjoying it some time in the future and then I will not prevent myself. Or maybe when even I'm in abundance I will not be able to enjoy it. It is not to say. But I don't expect to do it anytime soon, because now I don't enjoy it.

 

To summarize: Every choice I make I will make from a present-moment standpoint. I say "yes" or "no", and then forget about it. However, I am not expecting to do it anytime soon. For as I stand right now. I will make choices only in the present and then forget about it, not make choices based on craving and desperation, and focus on the things that I enjoy, and that get me outside my head and into the present.

 

I will say "yes" or "no" and forget about it, and stay rooted in the present. That's one of the main things that has gotten me out of my suicidal episode 2,5 months ago, and that's the way I'm going to do again. I've done my analyzing right now, so I could get it out of the way, but right now I reaize that more analyzing is simply going to get me more confused because for every argument there's a reason for and against. I can not solve it by thinking, so I can only stop thinking about it.

 

Day 29 later half:

 

During the later half of Thursday November 19th I found it really important to once again be very present and firm again. So I from what I remember I took a walk, and was firm to vend off any (hypothetical) doubt and confusion by simply saying "yes", "no", or "I don't know". It requires quite a bit of discipline to not let the mind get the better of you. So I did that, and was avid to keep myself rooted in presence. Not in a tryhard way, but just in a firm and disciplinary way. I picked a mushroom there that I could use for later use in the kitchen.

 

Back home though, after preparing and eating some meal at that moment a sense of dreariness returned. I decided that it was a good idea to meditate firmly on it, because I really wanted to get back presence and discipline in it. I needed to be aware in particular to not identify with this feeling of emptiness in my body, and the thoughts it formed about me needing to find love and intimacy outside myself. I needed to be very aware of this that I did not go into reaction, that I kept my distance. However, during my meditation my attention weakened somewhat, and I wondered whether or not I should go outside and do a conscious walk to maintain my presence. However, the day before I had also persevered but that didn't turn out too well. So that gave me the feeling for today that you only should practice doing this kind of meditation and trying to surrender if you were really committed to doing so, or that it otherwise could backfire. I had heard that it would surface old baggage fromyour unconscious, and if not dealt with correctly it could actually make you feel worse. That's what I felt happened yesterday, so I was a bit afraid. However, now suddenly the idea came to me that there was no need to try so hard and that I could simply decide to now drop it all, not do that walk and focus on something else. I tried that and it worked. Instead of trying to "forcing yourself through" it would simply work if you just rekindled your focus on something else. At least now that seemed to work. I then went to the supermarket to buy some stuff I could use for later, and then after doing that at home I watched a video about Tyler's "present to the moment manifesto" which I tried to follow keenly.

 

Day 30: Waking up late as always, after I woke up I actually took a couple of hours (I think) to prepare myself a meal with a large variety. I included a lot of ingredients I had bought on the day before. So I prepared that and ate that, but didn't feel like I really could maintain my conscious attention the entire time throughout preparing the meal (or at least surrender to the process). I wondered why. As an act of my personal commitment to be more sharing to people I wanted to go to the neighbour's house and both offer if she watned a bit of the meal and if I could help her doing a task around her house, since the tasks at my house were starting to bore me. However, I was distracted from that because unexpectedly my parents came home one day earlier than expected. It threw me off just a little bit. I then cleaned up my stuff kind of half-resisting it, not feeling like I wanted to do it, but doing it anyways because I felt like I should. After that, I was discussing with an associate who contacted me if I wanted  to form a band, to sing a certain song and in what tone we should be doing that. So we discussed that and I started to practice upstairs, trying different ways to sing the song too and experimenting a little bit with my voice. I was interested in that enough that I totally forgot the time and forgot about the weekly open meditation I was to attend from now on every week. I realized this too late and thus left too late. At the location, the door was locked but I was hoping there would be someone anyways in the hallway somewhere. I knocked twice, and just as I was to return and go home, then awkwardly enough it appeared that I actually got a guy out of the meditation hall. I was feeling a bit guilty about that. They must have locked the door for a reason and I didn't want to disturb the meditation. But now it was too late to return. Luckily the guy made no big deal out of it, so me and him silently entered the meditation hall and I started meditating. I couldn't really get into the meditation. Part the guilt-complex returning, and part having some back and shoulder pain. Also perhaps still feeling a bit too rushed from hurrying.

 

After the meditation, I went home. After arriving home, I felt this sense of... restlessness. As if no activity could now satisfy me. I pondered upon this and realized that perhaps it was time to relax. And then I don't mean do some relaxing activity. No, I meant laying down and doing nothing at all. Just letting the dust settle by not doing anything at all. I was familiar with doing that just a couple of months prior to this, but now I somehow had lost contact with it. I realized I had been trying too hard that day and the day before it, and now it was time for some Yin. Real yin, not a "relaxing activity", as that is often times not even relaxing. Watching TV may seem relaxing to many, but to me it often just makes me feel a bit more restless. I realized that the act of "doing nothing" was a real valuable one that our western society could take a lot of merit to. Most westerners are always busy with something. Even when it's time to relax they still do some activity. Only time when they do nothing is when they go to sleep.

 

I remember some elder people, particulary as I had seen in Mexico. In mexico I had seen old people who did nothing but sit somewhere, in a park or doorway, and just look at the people and traffic coming by. I felt like that had a certain value. Just sitting, doing nothing. And as I said, I was familiar with it too. There have been days where all I did was lay in bed, not attempting to meditate or do anything at all. Just laying there. It is such a powerful way to get yourself centered. I remember plenty of days and times during my yin-phase where I felt so peaceful just doing nothing at all, where I felt so relaxed and centered. And from experience I could tell that you wouldn't die if you had nothing to do. So I felt that perhaps at times I could definately just use to lay down and do nothing at all. Pure yin; Just letting the dust settle. Of course, as I had experienced, only yin wasn't fruitful either. If you don't do anything at all pretty much for years you're bound to feel an increasing sense of loathing and meaninglessness. But beware, that same or similair sense of meaninglessness is also something you may initially feel when you're way too much of an active person and when you actually do need it. I guess it's a similair sense, but not the same. Just like when it's hard to start doing things if you're used to not doing much at all, the reverse is also true if you allow yourself to do nothing at all after you've been constantly doing some or another activity. It feels as if you're not being a productive and contributive person if you stop doing an activity altogether. That's kind of the sense I get, Just as inactivity can be addicting, so can inactivity be.

 

So I laid down for a few hours, or maybe just one or two, doing nothing, when I thought about this. I also realized that there were perhaps too little activities I had been accustomed to that were truly relaxing, and not mainly distracting like youtube or TV. I wanted a larger list I could choose from of truly relaxing activities. The main thing that came up in me were games, but not computer games. If you go past a certain energy vibration, it feels like, then certain activites that previously seemed relaxing now don't seem to give you the relaxation response anymore. Opposed to earlier, playing video games I now find not relaxing at all anymore. And so is watching most television shows and youtube videos. It's strange how that changes.

 

So things I could come up that I could enjoy doing as a yin-activity were these: Reading an inspiring book, filling in a puzzle book, doing an actual jigsaw puzzle, writing something, drawing, painting perhaps, playing a game with parents, walking, visiting a museum, looking for activities to do in the city, like attending a stand-up comedy or theathre show or something. I know there's so much to see in the digital world, but for some reason it just isn't the same doing something digitally.

 

Day 31:

 

So today, yet again I woke up late. 2 PM.

 

I wanted to go to a exposition and the library today, and later on the day I wanted to go practice that singing stuff .

 

At the library, there was a lot of doubt about which book I should read. I took an RSD list of books I could potentially read, but there was just so much choice and certainly not all of the books were available in the library. I just chose three books, one at complete random because I was feeling tired of having to make a decision.. So because it tired me out, after I had left the library I sat down there in the middle of the downtown area and meditated a little bit. But actually, it wasn't meditating. It was "letting the dust settle". It was just sitting and doing nothing at all, not attempting anything at all.

 

After doing that I walked to the exposition I was going to. It was already a bit late. I just had half an hour before it would close, and then I would need to go home to cook. But I thought I had enough time. Unfortunately, it turned out that there was a documentary in the one and only hall —where the art exhibitions were— going on that people were watching, so I felt forced to watch it too to not fall out of the tone. But it went on for long so after it was finished I felt too rushed to be able to appreciate the art there. In fact, I was already too late to go and cook myself so I called my father if he could cook so I could at least eat something before I would be going to the guy who I would practice a song with at 7PM. Unfortunately, as it turned out, the guy simply did not reply anymore which sucked a little bit. I was frustrated by the fact that apparently many people so casually disappear when they change their mind, instead of speaking up what they think and ending it there. I was frustrated by that fact and also by the thought that they would be judging you from a very limited perspective of what they know from you. It seemed to have happened to me more often which started to get to me. But at the same time, perhaps it's for the better that way. I'm really not in a mood for complaining but I still want to note down what I thought and felt today. For people reading it back some day.

 

But it did leave space for me and my mother to go to the cinema. We went to see a cat movie, a movie about the lives of cats in Istanbul. I quite enjoyed the movie. After it, we went to drink some tea in a cafe and I discussed some of my frustrations I had beend ealing with in the past week or so.

 

Coming home, I once again felt this sense of not knowing what to do now, once again not feeling like doing anything. But instead of laying down and doing nothing again, I decided to write in my journal. I don't regret this. I've been writing for a while now and have gotten new insights and perspectives as I'm writing. So these are some thoughts I thought of whilst writing. It continues on from the thoughts I had yesterday.

 

Perhaps I'd like to find more things that are not done digitally. I feel like the digital world isolates us. Not that everything done digitally is bad, but I feel like it has made many people lose contact with each other that way. I'd like to do more things that are done with people in real life. You know, things that people liked to do before the internet came out. Too bad I don't have a group of friends that are interested in doing much stuff like that. I feel like that's the change I'm now making: to connect myself more with activities not having anything to do with the digital world. I feel like i'm starting to connect to that more. I start to want to meet some people but particulary the idea of playing card games or other games starts to interest me. That's why I also thought of looking up meetup groups in the area. To see if there are any common activities or games that can be played. I also now like to go out dancing again, but it still frustrates me that there aren't any good friends to do that with. Regardless, I can still do it on my own, and now perhaps just socialize with people because I start to feel like socializing, or just involving them in my fun. Who knows. I'll have to see. But I do need to anchor in me this realization that I can be fine without any approval from any girl or anyone. I can be happy on my own. That was my training and mindset to remember. I can be happy without a woman.

 

Strange... being social actually start to interest me now. And so does non-digital activities and games.

 

Later part of day 31:

 

Hmmm... I can't recall exactly as to how it unfolded to it, but in the later part of that day 31 I read some texts of Osho regarding the seven bodies and the seven chakras to see if I could recognize myself in it. I came across a certain paragraph about the third chakra and body which I found very intriguing. Osho said:

 

"The third is the astral body. This also has two dimensions. Primarily, the third body revolves around doubt and thinking. If these are transformed doubt becomes trust and thinking becomes vivek, awareness. If doubts are repressed you never attain to shraddha, trust, though we are advised to suppress doubts and to believe what we hear. He who represses his doubts never attains to trust, because doubt remains present within though repressed. It will creep within like a cancer and eat up your vitality. Beliefs are implanted for fear of skepticism. We will have to understand the quality of doubt, we will have to live it and go along with it. Then one day we will reach a point where we will begin to have doubt about doubt itself. The moment we begin to doubt doubt itself, trust begins.

We cannot reach to the clarity of discrimination without going through the process of thinking. There are people who do not think and people who encourage them not to think. They say, "Do not think; leave all thoughts." He who stops thinking lands himself in ignorance and blind faith. This is not clarity. The power of discrimination is gained only after passing through the most subtle processes of thinking. What is the meaning of vivek, discrimination? Doubt is always present in thoughts. It is always indecisive. Therefore, those who think a great deal never come to a decision. It is only when they step out of the wheel of thoughts that they can decide. Decision comes from a state of clarity which is beyond thoughts."

 

This was so recognizable that it was like an "aha!" moment. Yes, that was what I experienced in Mexico. I doubted and doubted and doubted, could not make any decision... and when things got really rought I started questioning my confusion and doubts itself... That's when I started to realize I needed to simply make decisions besides me not knowing the answers. But I chose anyway for the sake of being able to choose. Not knowing what was right or wrong, I chose anyway for the simple realization that the confusion itself was the problem, not the choices I made. So that's what I did then and that's also what I described in my journal a couple of days back when confusion came back to me. I now know what to do. But is was very thrilling to read about this. I also now understood what trust meant in a deeper sense. Before I could not trust because I was too much in doubt. Now I could see that trust is not the absence of doubt, but the conscious choice not to identify with the doubts and confusions and choose to trust something or someone for the sake of learning to surrender. It's not about believing; It's about the realization that developing the quality of surrender is so much more valuable than doubt. So trust, is to me now a quality I want to consciously develop, not a decision based on blind faith. And that does not mean I blindly trust. When I do not resonate with someone's visions or ideas, I choose to ignore this person. If I do resonate somewhat with someone's ideas and visions, I can choose to simply surrender to what that person has to teach, even though I can not know for sure if he ultimately knows the truth. It's a matter of developing an inner quality of surrender and dedication, not a matter of faith. That's the difference

 

It also got me excited about the possibilities of the abilities of the fourth body/chakra: From what I read, it was the capacity to develop psychic abilities. To travel through space and time. I wonder if this is what's up ahead on the next step of my journey... Visions, supernatural abilities...

 

Now I'm very aware that I've created here a new story for myself to identify with: "this guy who has just started the finishing processes of the third body and is about to move into the fourth body where he will develop psychic abilities". I know, It's easy to get carried away here... and what do I really know; Osho so often contradicts himself and there are so many different stories. But these possibilities excite me.

 

And also, whether it is because, irregardless or despite it, I also felt a sense of tranquility and deepened presence during and around the time I was reading those scriptures. It's always... Very relieving to feel such a sense. You feel very present and meditating comes to you very naturally and easily. It reminds you of what's possible. It reminds you of higher possibilites

 

Day 32:

 

Today I went with my mother to some syrian refugee friends our family has made. Nothing to add to that really... It was fun. I however when we got back home laid on my bed for a long time doing nothing... I hoped that I could get some positive inspiration to do something eventually... But nothing really happened. I did get the desire to distract myself a little bit, or... I don't know if it's appropiate to call it "distracting". I at least sometimes felt like searchign up some spiritual scripture or some kind of trivia.... Not sure how I was supposed to feel about doing that. After dinner, still no inspiration or motivation to do something, so I took a walk to think and reflect upon my situation... I realized that sometimes there were just moments where nothing I did would really feel that satisfying, not even lying down and doing nothing, but that would not mean that I wouldn't need to make a choice. It was just going back to where I was before: Simply doing something even if you don't feel completely like doing it. Because what else? Neither doing nothing or doing something felt satisfying, then what else can I do than just being okay with not being satisfied? That's the only power I have at that moment.

 

So as it happened, as I got home I wanted to watch some videos regarding a spiritual guru (the one I tried becoming a part of his ashram in Mexico), and someway, somehow I suddenly float into it and then suddenly hours have passed and I don't even know how. I don't know how I manage it... All I can remember is watching his videos, doing some meditation and now writing this text... And suddenly it's 1:30 AM! But how have I managed it?! 4,5 hours have passed in what seemed that it should've been like 2 hours or maximum 3 hours. How does this happen? How is time suddenly disappearing? Sometimes it just baffles me... It just shows to me... Don't be afraid about how you're going to fill in your time because in the end something will always come up... Whether it's doing nothing or doing something.

 

I am starting to think I'm moving in circles that are moving faster and faster. Like I now come back to this point where I realize I need to choose despite the resistance, but I'm coming at this point much faster than the last time I arrives there. Are these circles that are happening that are increasing and increasing in speed? Will there be a point where these circles move so fast the whole process becomes one? Will there be a point where both the effort and the non-effort becomes effortless? Where both the yin and the yang happen on its own accord, without me interfering? Or will the yin and the yang melt as such, where I will stay perfectly in the center? What will happen? Will some degree of suffering still be necessary to get me out of a dysfunctional state of mind or attitude? Or will I simply understand it that quickly through my own experience that suffering isn't necessary anymore to change my way because i've become aware enough to understand immediately when to change my attitude? What will happen then if these circles increase in their speed? What will happen? I'm curious. And clueless too. Perhaps it will not be like "circles increasing in rapidity" after all, and I've simply misinterpreted it. I can only wait and see...

 

I also thought about the ego. Reading those spiritual scriptures from Osho has put me once again in high regard of myself in comparison to other people. But then I started to thin about it... Am I simply not in the same situation as anybody else? Why should I be better or more special? Because I would have reasons and arguments to support that I would be? Doesn't everyone have reasons and arguments to believe they are somehow more special? And people may not admit it to others or even to themselves that they secretly believe that they feel more special than other people, but I feel like most people —If not everybody— secretly believes that they are more special than other people with reasons to support it. Whether it's more special in a positive or negative (victim) sense.

 

So what reason do I have to believe that I am more special than other people? None at all. Well okay, because "I am very intelligent in reasoning and have had many experiences that I don't believe other people I had and if I compare myself to them I see that almost nobody seems to talk about the same kind of experiences and knowledge and doesn't seem to carry themselves in the same way as I do". That's what I then would reason for myself to make myself feel more special and seperate. But there are not reasons to believe that I am more special if you look at the basic fundaments of the ego, because the basic fundament of its seperation is: "I am more special in comparison to other people because of this and that". And everybody believes that. And everybody compares themselves to other people and through confirmation bias start believing they think, act, feel or experience things in a different way than other people do. Because even though in my personal experience people may not seem to be as intelligent, thorough and eloquent as I, I can not confirm if they are not simply playing a big game where they are all pretending in front of me to be less intelligent as I but in reality they are simply befooling me. Or I simply misinterpret it and I am simply too stupid to believe what they are saying is true, whilst I believe that I am too smart to believe what they are saying is true. Isn't that the functioning of most —if not every— himan being? Then how am I different?

 

Of course, even thought with these arguments as to why I wouldn't be more special than other people, of course I will still deep down keep believing it. That's inevitable, because without the ego altogether you would probably be enlightened or reduced to an animal state. You wouldn't be an ordinary human without an ego, basically,

 

Posted October 25th, 2017 at 3:03 AM Report | #25

 

Quick note from the day before after I had written my journal entry already: In the night I had the impulse to listen to some music and I had trere a very beautiful experience. When you're really touched by the music, it really gets some emotions and sensations going that make it a very special experience. I also, just for a split second, hat this sensation I felt of feeling joy from simply being aware. I had felt peace and tranquility before whilst I was in a very conscious state, but never something what I truly would call oy. Or at least... at least not in this way as I can remember. Because even though music was the catalyst, the experience of joy from being aware felt inner. It gave me this experience of... There is something that lies even further than peace that is also not part of the spectrum of ordinary happiness. Because peace... Yeah peace is nice when it's there. It's tranquil, it's relaxing. But joy takes it a step further... I hope to experience this sensation more often.

 

Day 33:

 

Started off this day by going to my counselor, whom I had to see again later that day a couple of hours past the first meeting to then go there with my parents. IN between that time, I helped out in the home enviroment by cleaning off the very dirty top of the kitchen cabinets.

 

In the evening —after using some television and laptop spare time— I got the idea to go to the gym again to see how I would like it. There were just two problems: First off, I didn't have a subsriptions, secondly it was already quite late. Luckily, I found out that there was a gym open 24 hours on the weekdays that also allowed for an oppurtunity to buy single tickets without needing a subscription. It was expensive in comparison, but I felt like it was a lot better choice than buying a subscription because I wasn't sure yet if I would make going to the gym a regular activity. And I'm happy I did it like that, because I simply didn't enjoy working out. I just don't like it, what can I say? I meditated in the bathroom listrening to music to see if I could get a similiar experience as te day before. Even though the music was still quite lifting my spirits, not the same as yesterday. It didn't matter; I still enjoyed it.

 

After the gym I got the impulse idea to immediately after it go to the downtown area and see if I could dance a little bit. I had showered already at the gym so that was okay. Just where to leave my bag? I found a bush I could dump my bag in, and so I walked to the club areas to dance.

 

Monday night doesn't have a lot of cafes open to dance, but there were still some that were quite active. I could remember from my earlier game period 4 years ago that there was always some activity going on in the night except maybe on sunday night. In the first club I tried to center myself in dance, but I couldn't get really too much into it so I went to another club. Perhaps I should have tried harder at that previous club and not let myself get distracted so easily, but ah well. At the second club I could clearly notice how I shifted in and out of presence. It was an interesting experience and experiment. I could see how sometiems I was outside my head and the enviroment interested me, and the music made me to sing, dance, or listen to attentively and pretty much feel the beat within me as I meditated on it. I noticed how sometimes I wanted to interact with people, and how sometimes the energy retracted into my head again and now interacting with people seemed more awkward and artificial. Sometimes a certain situation which I was unacquanted to caused me to retract inside my head, and sometimes just not apparent reason at all. But I could see the difference. I could also see how sometimes when out of my head I could feel the energy available to walk up to a girl and flirt with her in some way or jsut make some eye contact which in that moment appeared completely natural to me. I could also feel the sexual energy readily available to make that move. I could feel it now. Not frustrated sexual energy but rather a physical attraction, of which there were no traces of attachment or frustration to it. However, those states were too fleeting for me to do anything with it. I knew that after that fleeting sensation had passed I was to let it go and not to engage in the previously desired or imagined situation anymore. The fear previously had been that if I did not maintain this ambition of wanting to meet women that my progress would stagnate. However, I now notice that if I'm simply present something related to women might arise naturally.

However, I must remember that women are not the point anymore. If I learn how to get ouside of my head completely in the club environment and as a consequence I become very succesful with girls, good. If not so but I still had a lot of fun, that's good either way. I can say that now opposed to like a week ago there's more detachment as it comes to women. When I utter the statement now : "I do not need women in my life in order to be peaceful or happy", I can say like I mean it now. I will however not use this statement as a rationalization not to take action, but neither do I say that I have to take action if I don't want to.

 

After the second club I took a break and then, even though I didn't feel much like it anymore, I decided just because I could still visit a third club. In that club, as I got in there, there was a song playing that I really liked and instantly it really elevated my mood. It didn't last too long, but after that something interesting happened. I closed my eyes somewhere at the boundaries of that club and started very meditatively absorb the environment in my inner world. It must have looked pretty strange to an outsider, since I was making controlled and meditative gestures. I just thought it was an interesting experience because now I showed the outside world some practices I had already been doing at the comfort of my home. Perhaps you, the reader, may have a difficult time imagining how that would've looked liked, the way I moved, but I'd say it's quite similair the way you see people move in tai-chi or qi-gong, if you now what that is.

 

I also thought about my interpretations and reactions about what I was doing after I was going or gone home again. Not even the peculiar meditation I did in that club, but the overall night together. Because I can remember that in the past often that after I had gone home I would judge myself for thinking I was trying to show off to much; that I was thinking that I was trying to make myself seem special. The reality however, at least this time, was that I wasn't trying to show off but simply trying to meditate. I felt like this may have been a misunderstanding with a lot of other occasions in the past that involved an environment with other people in it: That I in hindsight thought that I was trying to be too outlandish whilst at that particular moment itself I simply was trying to become present and ground myself. So that's the ego and mind coming in after the action is over, I thought. Something important to remember.

 

Day 34:

 

Today I wanted to offer my neighbour some help with doing some chores or something. It's already a plan I had. She'd been going through a rough time mostly regarding the suicide of a cousin of her and so I had the idea that it would be nice to offer my assistance to her. More because it fits my personal goal than because I do it out of love, I have to admit that. But still I felt like that could be an appropiate action. I asked her and she would come back to it. I had no time to do anything at that particular moment anyways.

 

Lets see, I took some singing class today and in the evening i cleaned up the dirt of the cabinets on the other side of the kitchen, meaning I now cleaned the entire kitchen, something that has been a task that took very long: both in the time that it took doing it and the amount of days from start to finish..

 

Other than that really I did nothing significant today. But there was somethign else.

Today almost all day long I have felt this sensation of discontent... I already had it the past couple of days a little bit but this time it seemed to be more pervading. I am wondering about this sensation... why is there? Why does it seem to be so pervading? What is it? My view on this has to develop a little bit, still.

 

Day 35 (October 25th 2017, Wednesday)  

 

I really wanted to take a walk to reflect upon this general feeling of discontent that I had, but before I could do that I had driving lesson.

 

Driving lesson is always fun. It's also one of the few things that almost always gets me present; mainly because it requires me to do I not want to mess up. It's for me the right kind of balance between focus whilst not being too stressful (unless you're completely new to it, but I have some experience behind my back). So that's once again simply proof through experience that presence is really all that is requires to not feel discontented, but that's easier said than done most of the time.

 

Once I came back, I took my walk and started reflect upon my situation. I took a fairly long walk, because I really couldn't come to a conclusion for a long time. Everything I would try to do would yet be another attempt to get rid of the discontent, and by law of the paradoxical universe it would therefor increase that discontent further. So because there was nothing I could think, I said: "fuck it, I'm just going to fuck around a little bit and do whatever". I thought of the situation I was in before I went to Mexico. Back then, sometimes there were moments where that attitude of complete carelessness about what I was doing made me feel a certain peace about it. That there was no struggle, no judgement, no problem regarding what I was doing. Those were the moments I now had in mind and wanted to get back to.

 

It's funny, because if you beforehand would think of that, you would simply make it into another strategy, which then would mean you would start fighting and thereby energizing your discontent. Only when you see that nothing can be done, then you are able to drop it; even if it's just partially and momentarily. It's really funny how that works. When mind is active, nothing, literally NOTHING you can think of would possibly work, because it's simply a technique to start fighting and thus energizing that which you want to get rid of. It's only when you drop the mind through frustration and/or insight that you are able to let go of it, even if it's just partially and for a moment.

 

So coming back home, I carried that attitude of carelessness within me and I simply for the first time in quite a long time indulged in watching a lot of mindless youtube videos and television. And I was very well aware that this too would change, but it felt like the appropiate thing to do for that particular moment. It however gave me a bit of a headache, which caused me to lay down for like an hour or so. That's also a thing I recalled what I experienced before Mexico. Just those moments where all that gaming and watching TV and youtube would fatigue me so much that it gave me a headache. So I didn't judge myself for watching youtube and TV, but right now I felt like I really didn't want to do that anymore.

 

But wednesday evening was the night I wanted to go to the weekly open mic night to sing a nice song. So I got on my bike eventually and I did jsut that. Upon arriving, I caight a lucky break because the guy who previous week had proposed to sing a particualr song together offered to immediately go upon the stage after the previous musician was finsihed, so we could sing that song. So we sang, but I must say that singing there didn't give me the same satisfaction anymore as it did the first time I did it. I still want to continue it, though, but singing now seems to lose my interest a little bit. I'm fine with that, though. Things always change. After I had sung, I stuck a little bit around in the bar still and tried to enjoy it. Even though at the end I sung along with the songs quite loudly, I did however feel that I couldn't quite get into it anymore. So I went home after that, but not before taking a walk.

 

During a walk I still thought about how I could best reconcile that attitude of "just not trying anymore" with the negative experiences I had with watching a lot of youtube and television. I decided that even with that attitude I was still to maintain a somewhat healthy balance in not indulging too much in things that would make me feel bad, but still keeping this attitude of carelessness, but with a little bit of wisdom. Once again the paradox of not caring whilst still caring. Something that logically seems really confusing but in reality still can be practiced.

 

So coming back home, instead of watching TV or laptop now I just read a little bit of symbology and astrology. I'm a bit skeptical towards many parts of astrology, but there are also a lot of explanations that hit it right on the head.

 

I was looking up if there was any truth in the day you were born. There were some sites that had a explanation with a birth date, and another one with your birth day. Which means: the 16th of the month. On that site, I looked it up and jsut the very first line was exactly correct:

 

"Your over-powering orientation is toward the philosophical and spiritual aspects of life. You are driven to understand the unseen world. On some level, you feel like a foreigner on planet Earth. Your realm is the world of spirit. Your challenge is to find a way to ground that desire and understanding in practical terms so that it can be effectively shared with others.

You have a fine analytical mind that is capable of penetrating beneath the surface of the subject at hand. You also have the capacity for excellent concentration. You must use that mind to your greatest advantage. Investigate the subjects you love and gain the depth of knowledge in these fields. Specialize. Become an expert in a given area. This will give you a means of earning a living and personal power to share your wisdom.

You have excellent intuition and may even possess psychic ability. Trust your intuition and use it as a guide in life. But at all times, be practical in your application of your insights. Find concrete means of expressing yourself. Pick a field that suits you -- science, metaphysics, philosophy, psychology, teaching, for example -- and deepen yourself in its understanding. But beware of becoming overly dogmatic and shutting off from the truths of others."

 

Pretty much right on the head. I also looked up for my mother, father and brother. For my brother and mother it's fairly accurate, for my father not so much. But they can perhaps judge better for themselves. I don't know if it's a coincedence or not, but if it is it's quite an eerie coincedence. I like to believe in astrology but at the same time I am also not too gullible to believe in anything that I'm told and jsut rationalize certain character descriptions through wishful thinking. But also the description of the Sagittarius, my Zodiac sign, has always seemed farily accurate to me too; More accurate than other zodiac signs if you ask me. I don't know. I'm jsut trying to see if there's a larger scheme of things, and if there are some categories in which I fit, in which I can identify. Even though I know deeply that who I truly am at the deepest level is not my personality. Then I wonder... If, as i've heard, awareness is truly who I am, then what is personality? If I am not my personality and I am awareness, then what does personality or character consist of? Then what decides our characteristics and tendencies that are not part of nurture. That I wonder. If I am not my thoughts, feelings, characteristics, interests and manners and such, then what decides the difference between so many people? Could we say that it corresponds to our different points in evolution, considering reincarnation would be a thing? Perhaps so... Because even through a fairly similair social conditioning and environment, people are still so much different from each other. Perhaps that could be explained through different points in our life paths.

 

Okay, so I am not those things that astrologists say I am, but then why still the desire to seek out those profiles as an identity for myself? I wonder... I bet it has something to do with the ego.

 

Day 36 (October 26th 2017, Thursday):

 

Just before waking up I had a dream in which I felt depressed. I don't know why that happens, why I in my dreams often tend to feel more negative emotions than in my waking life. I do not have a history of nightmares, though. Simply more emphasized negative emotions is what I often feel during those dreams. Perhaps those are trapped emotions that I through my unconsciousness have stored within me and that come out at night. I don't know.

 

Waking up I intended to follow the same line I followed the day before: Simply relaxing and doing whatever. I started off with watching a stream of a game I was still interested in (but not playing anymore) because new content was released which I found quite interesting. I watched it until I didn't enjoy it anymore. Then I asked my father if he had some puzzle books I could still make, which he had. So I did two puzzles and then laid down a bit before dinner, still considering this general feeling of discontent with life that I felt pretty much in general. Whilst now I had made an attitude shift that I wasn't really trying to find much satisfaction out of my actions anymore, I still did feel it and I wondered about it why this feeling of meaninglessness and discontent with life felt so pervading. It wasn't depression; In fact depression is one of the few symptoms I rarely had the past five years. I reckon this could be because I have learned how to express myself through screaming and sometimes crying. I reckon that expression than simply is the opposite of depression, and that through catharsis you can throw the depression out. That might be how it works. Not sure though.

But the general feeling of boredom and weariness has pretty much a companion to me since I was a teenager. Sometimes it had been weaker, sometimes stronger. And more and more I start to realize that no ambition or future achievement can expel this feeling. I know however what can: Presence, meditation, awareness. When present in doing something, as I've noticed during the driving lessons, there are no problems, there is no boredom. I am lucky that I still have that vision. I emphasize with the many people who do not have that connection with spirituality and are starting to feel more and more lost in their materialism, not knowing a way out. But I must say... Even whilst being aware of what it means to be present and alert, it is still so often quite a struggle. But... I see how I'm making progress.

 

I must remind myself to keep on seeing the bigger picture. For now I am once again starting to feel a certain frustration and anger again against my inertia. But I am aware that this is simply once again part of the cycles. I want this connection with the feeling back that I had in London after I came back from Mexico, that I had peace with the way the cycles went. That I didn't feel too involved in it and that I could appreciate that things were ever changing. So now I notice this frustration regarding my inertia, but instead of starting to judge myself for my apathy I simply look into it with awareness. Because now I know I have been here before and I know that this frustration and desire to be active once again is simply Yang wanting to manifest itself once again. I lived a bit more in Yin lately, and thus it is inevitable that Yang would return. Always remember that: You can never stay in Yin or Yang forever, it will always change to its opposite polarity eventually. In fact, the more you aim towards Yin, the more momentum Yang gathers when it swings back. And so is the reverse the case. So I look at this frustration right now, and instead of becoming too identified with the content of the frustration, I look at the bigger picture and I see: It is simply yang wanting to manifest itself once more. There is no need to judge, because what you are witnessing is simply a manifestation of the natural cycles of life. Neither effort or passivity can be maintained forever. Life lives through its opposites, and all you can do is allowing it to take place. Do not try to cling to one or the other polarity, because perhaps the way it goes right now is exactly as it should —and perhaps the only way it could have been. Go with it. Trust it. All you can do is allowing the river of life to take its course.

 

I must also remember that this frustration appears to twist around the actual facts. It wants me to believe that I have been doing things wrong the past few days, that I have not been doing what I should in an attempt to make me feel guilty. The reality is: at that moment I did the ONLY thing I could've done based on what I felt to be appropiate in that moment. In fact: Perhaps I did exactly what was necessary for me to do at that particular moment. But the fact is simply: Things change. What works one moment may not work another moment anymore.

 

That's why I owe it to myself to be as flexible as I possibly can be. I noticed this during dinner too.

For quite a long time now I have been stuggling a little bit on how I should be eating. Yes, on how I should be eating. Should I try to be aware, or should I simply not try to be aware? I have been trying to make a certain system which I could stick to, but I more and more start to realize that that doesn't work. During dinner I at first tried to be somewhat aware but I felt a certain frustration through it so I stopped trying. After dinner I once again reasserted for myself that it was important for me to simply choose. Either this or that, choose, done with it. Like I must have said before in my journals: Practicing making whole-hearted decisions is one of the most valuable things I could learn right now. It's a true art, really. When you're very stuck in your mind, you tend to really think a lot about your decisions, but not actually make them. I know but haven't realized fully that really it's simply about just making a decision. This or that, now. And if 5 second later you still change your mind, then change your mind but then let it go instantly. It's very difficult but making firm decisions is such a valuable skill to learn.

 

So after dinner I visited a friend. Nothing too much I want to elaborate on that. After visiting that friend I tried meditating once I got home. It didn't work out that well... But after I did that I decided to drink a cup of tea attentively and meditatively. That is a practice that has always gone well with me; mainly because it's a practice I know I can commit to without doubting it. I also notice that after a cup of tea I feel quite a bit sharper, so what I did this time was use that increase of alertness and meditate some more. Now I liked it a little bit more than before. I wonder whether or not this is something I should make a habit or not: Drinking a cup of tea before meditating. It probably wouldn't work... I'm almost certain it won't, because I would relying on a certain technique again. But there's nothing against trying it like that more often. Just give that experiment a fair chance... I still don't know for certain if it really wouldn't work or not.

 

 Day 37 (October 27th 2017, Friday)

 

I started off this day with driving lesson, which caused me to be in the car much longer than expected. But that was fine, because I was in no rush for anything. There was however this tendency for my compulsion acting up again; the compulsion consists of me being irritated and distracted by the way my hair sits, both my beard and head hair. Unlike previously, however, I now felt there was enough distance that I could meditate on it a little bit. I did just that as my driving instructor had another student taking lessons and let me sit in the back of the car because he had some administration to do. So I almost sat 3 hours in that car for a 1-hour drving lesson. But as I said, that was fine and I agreed to it too.

 

Once home, I meditated a little bit more upon that sensation. For the first time in... I don't even remember I felt like I could somewhat access the roots of my compulsive tendencies and not get too distracted by the content. That felt like a milestone to me because that compulsion has been bothering me for so long. It's at times been really bad and so taunting. Also interesting... Whilst meditating I felt an energy rising up to my throat. I had that sensation before, and I never quite know what to do with it so I just laughed weirdly. Now I realized that it was a physcial desire to scream. So I did just that, into a pillow. That felt somewhat relieving, even though in a home environment in a terraced house you don't really have the courage to really scream 100%. I wish I could do that, but I am really too self-conscious to really go all-out for that.

 

After being done with that it was time to prepare some dinner as promised. I mixed some vegetables together and mashed them, in dutch we call it "stamppot". After that I really wanted to meditate some more but I didn't quite have the time because I needed (or wanted) to be at a location where we would play a certain game. I found out about that on meetup.com. I really liked that game so I wanted to play it. Even though it was enjoyable at first three rounds was simply too much for my attention span to handle., so I left feeling a little bit weary and out of it. I notice it made me feel a bit more ungrounded and I had a hard time keeping my posture, something that is somewhat required in this game. I want to come more often, but then I would only play like 1-2 rounds. There was also a girl there who I have seen before (but we didn't quite know each other well) and who I felt really attracted to, aroused to. She has a body of a goddess, and I felt arousal for that in my body and heart. I could have seen myself flirting with her or at least making flirtatious (micro)expressions towards here weren't it for the fact that we were in a group and sat opposite to each other. It's just a reminder to me once again that flirting is not a willful action but based on a spontaneous arousal and attraction. But damn... I feel for her something that really I've rarely been feeling lately, which is arousal. I didn't approach her and my arousal somewhat disappated anyways as the game went on. But I do feel what it would mean to be actually excited to talk to a girl and flirt .. and that would be her. But I must be careful that it doesn't get too much into my head. If I lose contact with my arousal and start to get too much into my head, then stop trying and forget about. I must be able to accept that and forget about it. I must remind myself that I can be happy without her too. And I must believe it. I thought about this whilst cycling home. Also another complex arised during that thought period... Once again the eerie thought of "I must exhaust myself in game before I am able to become spontaneous" arised again. The thought that I would require more pain before I could change, basically. Something that had been bothering me in the past so much, but something I feel I've started to rise above in the past few months.

Back home I took a walk to think about this concept once again. I noticed how tempting the mind makes it to believe that you would indeed need to suffer more before you could change. "You need more pain!", is what it wants to make me believe. It also imagines for instance that you're in the club and you think about this complex once again and then you aren't able to handle it and then the doubt and confusion starts rising and then you start believing that you can't get past this confusion unless you force yourself to approach, even if you don't like it. It's funny how it makes you imagine these things and makes you believe that this is what would happen. But now I know better. Thank god for those few times where through experience it has proven otherwise. Thank god for those few reference experiences that I had where I was able to commit to saying that I didn't need to suffer more pain or didn't need to follow a thought necessarily and that I then truly was able to forget about it. Even that was also just momentarily maybe, but then you start to somewhat realize that if you were able to do it back then you can do it again, and again, and again without having to believe the thought. That's how it's been starting to happen. The biggest change when I was at my lowest in Mexico when I decided that even despite the confusion and hesitation I would still commit myself to getting out of it, not letting the confusion and fears get the better of me anymore. Another time whilst I was doing a tea-drink meditation where I was committed just for that moment not to follow any thought but simply only focus on the tea and forget about everything else just for the moment of drinking the tea. That worked. I could see how my commitment to dirnking the tea did make me truly forget about it, and it once more made me realize that you don't NEED to follow a thought. And the last one just a week ago when I was feeling my desperation regarding this whole game thing, and I decided to refocus myself and forget about it.

 

It made me realize I had a choice. Before Mexico, I was so identified with those thoughts and feelings that I didn't feel like I had a choice. Many thoughts and feelings felt stronger than me... Now I realize that I can choose not to follow a thought or belief if I really choose so, if I really commit to it. This is what makes me confident that I right now don't have to say to myself that I need to push myself to the bitter end regarding game to make a change in attitude. I can simply choose to focus on presence right now. It's still difficult, but I know it's possible now. There was still this fear however because there was the thought that said that I needed to have experienced it before I could go beyond it, beyond sex and sexuality. I noticed that this kind of thought was a "what if" thought, a certain kind of thought that in moments of great confusion seems to have a much greater effect on you than when you're not in that state. The hypothetical potential that this thought has evokes a certain effect of fear in me. But then I must realize... Even if this were to be true then should I be hurried for anything at all? Should there be any need to rush it? Lets say rushing it would actually work out for some magical reason... Then would all the pain that I know it causes have been worth it? Then would I —apart from a falsely assumed transcendence of sex— have evolved moreso also in the other areas of my life and my being? No, because every experience is one to learn from. The more the suffering, the more there is potential for learning and transformation. In that case, if rushing it would actually somehow magically work, then it would simply be one particular thing prioritized and transformed before the other. But in overall progress of the tempo of your self-development it does not matter.

 

Okay I'm getting a bit too philosophical here. Lets then just order the the reasons to prioritize presence over ambition in game in a list:

I've realized through experience that there is no need to tell yourself that you need to suffer more; to tell yourself that you would need extra suffering. I have a choice.

Considering you don't need to tell yourself that you need to push and exert yourself, then comes the fact that the less present and the more ambitious and impatient you are, the less success you will have in game.

Considering the statement: "I will need to have had sexual experiences with women before I can go past sexuality" is a statement that, as with any statement, can be doubted and used with positive and negative arguments as to why or why not this would be true. Every, literally EVERY hypothesis has arguments in favor of and against as to why it would or would not be true. With this one for instance, you can say in favor: "Osho (my guru) has said so and it would make sense that you would need to go through it to go past it". The counter-argument would be: "Osho says things that are applicable to the person he is talking to. He answers the questioner, not the question. So it's a matter of functionality, not of truth necessarily. Plus, Osho has never explicitly said that the experiences had to be exclusively with a woman. There are also certain currents of thoughts that say you can transcend sex on your own. And who says that even Osho is right? I've heard Osho criticize statements of Jesus, Buddha or other presumed enlightened masters. even enlightened masters may not say things that are ultimately true, even if they intend to only speak the truth and not out of functionality"

Lets say that rushing it and exerting yourself would even magically work (which I know it doesn't). Is there then any good reason to rush it at all? Perhaps then you would be succesful faster, and in the best case scenario you would then "transcend sexuality" faster, but that would simply mean you choose your priorities of one area of self-development in favor of the other one. Considering every experience is an oppurtunity to learn, then why should anything or any strategy be consciously prioritized if the process of it makes you unhappy? Why take the attitude of "just getting it over with" if you can choose to focus on becoming more peaceful, present and happier instead and probably learn just as much in the process?

Isn't being happy enough fulfillment unto itself? Isn't working and developing other areas in your life and thereby making you happier and more grounded already enough? Is dancing, singing and just having loads of fun in the club enough? Why need anything else if you feel already fulfilled as you are? Why choose to suffer and so something you don't like when you can choose to enjoy the moment and be contented anyway? What need is there for women if you are already present and peaceful?

 

I notice that even despite all of these arguments the attachment to success with women still remains there a little bit. But I'm not afraid of that. I simply realize that even with the most profound and elaborate logic on why you shouldn't be feeling something you can still feel it. You can tell someone not to be afriad of a Lion because if he dies it will either be a split second and the it will be over altogether or you will reincarnate and then it also does not matter. And the pain you experience just before dying you can either say that it will only last very shortly and will be over in a split second, and that split second will be so short in comparison to infinity that it really in mathematical terms in practically nothing. If there is infinity than a moment in infinity is mathematically nothing so if there is no time there will be no pain. Or you can say that he will reincarnate and all the negative will be counterbalanced by the positive and thus in his next life or so he will reap the positive benefits of that experience of pain he had jsut before dying so there is also nothing to worry about.

 

But just tell that to the man whilst he's being eaten by the lion. Do you expect him to suddenly stop screaming and suddenly become totally peaceful? Of course not, he will stay in agony no matter what logic you tell him. So all of these lessons have to be integrated, internalized. And that can only happen slowly and with time and practice.

 

So what I am to do is not to recall some logic when I'm bothered by my cravings for women once again, but to simply be aware of this sensation and let it pass and no tget identified with it. Logic only helps up to a certain point. Then you need to let it go, drop the mind, and become still and alert.

 

Day 38 (October 28th 2017, Saturday)

 

Today I had been meditating a lot. Just such a day where for some reason I managed to be almost the entire day in some sort of meditative state, whether it was with eyes closed or open. I meditated upon the sensation of complusion I had been feeling, I wondered about this upsurge of energy that happened during the meditation that didn't seem to be wanted to be released... I laid down and witnessed, and I read some spiritual texts. Just many interesting inner processes, but none I now particulary want to point out and write about.

 

I also went out. As I got into the club, I noticed that I got into a self-reinforcing cycle of self-consciosness, to which my natural reflex was to close my eyes and center myself, but that looks pretty weird in the club so thereby I got more self-conscious, causing me to want to increase my grounding exercise even moreso, making me more self-conscious etc... I noticed that that is what happened. That's why I left the club and took a walk. On a becnh there I tried meditating again, and I found and interesting experience... Previously I had always more or less just been identifies with my body. But as I visioned my center being in my navel —Me being my navel as it were, I felt some distance in a way I have really felt for the first time. For the first time pretty much, I could feel myself not being the body as an existential experience. I have witnessed the body before, but I always have felt like even though I could witness the body that it was still essentially a part of me. With me focusing my attention to the navel and envisioning that that was me and the body just a shell around it. The wind and light rain I suddenly did not feel the desire to flee from anymore, but I could witness it. It didn't take too long, and then I decided to go back to the club. Round 2.

 

In my second time in the same club, I could now dance normally a little bit but I noticed that at first I was having some fun with the music and dancing, but then I become slowly aware of some girls in front of me and I started to become self-conscious that they were witnessing me. Not even an actual reality that I witnessed, but simply a thought that increased further and further. That's what self-consciousness is: Being aware that other people aware of you. Or in better terms: Being concerned that there are other people that could be judging you. I went out again and meditated some more on a bench a bitaway from the venue.

 

In round 3 I once again danced but i saw a guy with a fairly similair beard to me that looked like he could be quite familiar with game. I'm not sure, he just seemed to be hugging a lot of different girls and such. But for some reason he appealed to me right off the bat (no homo). I wanted to approach him to capture an interesting moment of familiarity due to our beard being similair. That thought occured to me but I didn't act upon straight away, since he had just walked away and I realized how my thoughts regarding him drew my attention away from the music. I tried to get into the music, but I couldn't quite get it. After two songs I walked around the club to find him just to make a remark about our similair beards (I know, right?). But I did actually feel excited to do that. But I couldn't find the guy anymore. So after that I danced a little bit, until a guy came up to me in a dancing way of walking and asked if I had a lighter. I realized that just him approaching me got me from dancing instantly back to a rational mindset again. This ot me thinking enough that I wanted to go out and reflect upon this.

 

It was interesting... I could have quite a good amount of fun in myself, but I could not go past the formal or friendly way of communicating with other people. I could not —As I've seen some other guys do that evening— Act crazy with other people and lift up each other shirts or sing or dance with each other in a total careless fashion. I know how to let go myself as far as physical expression is concerned, but I have never learned to do that in regards with other people. The idea of singing with someone with arms wrapped around each other seems completely weird and alien to me. I can not imagine myself doing that yet I know this is a sticking point I can eventually get over. Because whether I learn to do that or not, I have found myself dancing and singing along in the club and then some person walks up to me trying to go along with that illogical and carefree attitude, probably because the person may think I'm cool in the way I'm expressing myself, and then not that person but me is the one that suddenly then loses "state" and at that point is not able to maintain this irrational, carefree state anymore. I know that that is not particulary a... situation that can be sustained in the longer term. At the very least I will perhaps not sing or dance along or whatever irrational behaviour that person invites me to engage with him/her in, but at least I will be able to maintain my cool and not be distraught by it, as happens now.

 

So I wonder... How can I go past this? First I'm wondering if there's anything I can do actively and willfully that would make it easy for me to maintain my asinine state even if I'm approached by a person (also in a wacky manner). Is there anything I can actively practice to overcome this, or is it just a matter of exposure and meditation? Because I feel like If I am making effort to get out of it, I become heady and my foolish behaviour now will seem truly foolish, whereas otherwise it would simply be a spontaneous joke. So am I to wait for these situations to occur again and then through exposure I can meditate on it and then either learn how to be unwavered by it or go along with it? Or perhaps It's still something I need to think about and when I arrived to the right conclusion I can instantly make that switch because now I know what to do.... I wonder about this

 

Day 39, 40 and 41 (October 29, 30 and 31 respectively, 2017, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday)

 

I'm adding these days together because nothing too much happened on any of these days. But it is good to note that when there's not much to write about those are generally good days. When I have bad days there is a lot to reflect upon and a lot to write about, generally speaking. But better days... There's just not too much to express about it because there's not too much problems and therefore thoughts to be expressed. That's good to remember: Problems are louder and therefore seem more important than they actually are. I am however currently dealing with a bit of my compulsive tendencies... That regarding my hair. I now realized that just like many of my other problems I've been having this one is simply very similair in nature meaning that it simply requires the power of decision-making. That's where it stems from: Do I adjust my hair or not? If I can fully say that I do or I don't, it at least douses the confusion. That helps. I'm practicing with it.

 

Furthermore... I've been started to write a book. It's about flaws I've found throughout the years in the way of thinking of western civilization. I take a lot of care of what specific words I use and how I'm putting it together. I hope I can make something good out of it.

 

But other than that... Not much to say. I like the way things are going now. There is a subtle peace I feel and I'm not so much feeling the discontent anymore which I had written about previously. But... nothing on the outer level has really changed. In fact I've become even more laid-back lately. But I don't seem to be concerned about that too much either anymore. Perhaps I need to reconsider what I would find a balanced approach between yin and yang. I definately still use yang, but it's more like... like this. I write and express and thereby do, but it's relaxing at the same time. Perhaps I need to let go of the idea that yang would necessarily mean strain and effort. Perhaps yang can be just as enjoyable as yin. I'm enjoying the way things are right now, so there's no need to say that I would suddenly need to go work real hard. I keep on doing things, but those are more related to writing, editing a wikia, doing a jigsaw puzzle, practicing singing... It's yang, but it's not strainous. Who said activity had to be strainous? And meanwhile at other times I lay down and relax and do nothing. I enjoy yin a lot too.

 

But I must remember... I feel a little bit more peaceful now but this too will change. Always important to keep in check with reality. Good and bad times will keep on alternating, even thought the general trend is upward now. I just wonder if I will ever suffer another breakdown in my life or multiple that were of the severity of a few months ago and the one almost 5 years ago. We can only wait and see. But I also feel the even if that would happen that the peaks now have potential to be much higher.

 

I'm curious.

 

Day 42 (November 1st 2017, Wednesday)

 

I can hear the divine melody echo in the distance. It is a faint, faraway echo, as in a dream. It is distant, but I can hear it. Like a child who has lost his mother for so long and now can hear her voice again. That's how I'm feeling right now... Something is calling me from far away to come home, and I want to come home.

 

Best day in quite a while I'd say. Started off my driving lesson in a good mood and joked around a lot. After driving lesson I went to my bedroom and rested there and then did my practice of masturbating without ejaculating, something I've been practicing for like when I started this journal. It had really positive results this time because I felt so tranquil afterwards. Also now in early midnight I rested once again and felt once again subtle waves of peace come over me. Had a very peaceful melody in my head which further emphasized that. It's subtle and not that outspoken, but it's something.

 

As time passes though here in the night, I feel like the what felt like otherwise natural tendency to go and do something or to feel enthusiasm for something did not come. At a certain point you start to wait for that impulse but it's not coming and then you want to go and distract yourself with something and then lay it down and wait again and once again it does not come.It's strange how that creative or productive impulse sometimes just never arises and sometimes it does. What makes the difference and why? I wonder why. I simply decided this time not to wait for the perfect feeling-sensation to arise and just got myself to do something anyway; not necessarily half-heartedly but not fully motivated for it either.

 

I just really wonder what makes the difference. The last few days however there really just has been barely to none of these situations though where neither activity nor inactivity felt very tempting. The last couple of days have been very good and gentle on me. But now I feel like I'm in this gap again between inactivity and activity. It's just for a moment now, really, but I wonder what makes it appear right now and why before it didn't...

 

It's alright though. What I do now is that whilst I'm doing something (this, writing) I am not to do it half-heartedly and then just go with it. That's still the art.

 

Day 43 and 44 (Thursday and Friday 2-3 November 2017)

 

Writing from my mobile this time. Thursday was the day that I would go to the free tour in Amsterdam. So after my driving lesson, I thought that all that had to be done was to take the printed version of the transaction page on the RSD website. Turned out you were supposed to print out an actual ticket you were to receive after filling in information to a link with email. I never thought I got that email but turned out it was in another folder. All in all that entire process made it take much longer than expected, making me leave much later than I had intended to, with no time to deliver some documents to the municipality, which I had still intended to do.

 

But still I was well on time. Seems like the free tour was also quite a bit delayed due to someone being late I suppose, so we had to wait a bit. For me it was relatively fine; I had the time. Free tour was okay. But at some point Madison asked if there were people who wanted to do the hotseat but were broke. I raised my hand. He said that we could make a payment plan and then still do the hotseat. But he didn't say it as if he did a proposition, but he said it as if we were already going to. His trust in the program decided me to sign up for the hotseat, despite the fact that in conventional viewpoint it seems absolutely unwise and almost retarded to do that with the money and income I have. 300 USD is a lot for me.

 

At the time of signing up I felt still quite confident that I wanted to do this. As I walked away from the freetour I saw a pretty girl walk by and I was then very careful to take note about how the free tour had affected my attitude towards approaching. I once again felt a feverish desire to approach, but with the emphasis on feverish. For a moment it seemed quite convincing that I should, but I took note of the subtle sensation of lack. I realized that I didn't actually felt excited to approach her, but that now the idea had been implanted in my head that I should approach, because the free tour spikes you up for that.

 

You could argue about whether or not I did the right thing there, but to me it felt appropriate at the time. Just as it seemed appropriate to not let any words Madison had said during the free tour about us needing to approach (or anything that challenged my current attitude) not let get the better of me too, but that I would observe my reaction to his words, and not go with the reaction.

 

So after that girl had passed, I found a nearby bench and meditated a bit on that sensation of... Obligation. It's funny because as opposed to before mexico these meditations come naturally to me now. After the meditation I walked on towards the main rail station, which after that I would go downtown and go out or do whatever. I didn't have a solid plan. During the time I was thinking about whether I should do the hotseat or not... I was thinking about how I could convince my parents, about how I would spent the two nights until the hotseat, about how this investment would affect my financial situation, about how maybe during the hotseat I could get an opportunity to get to know Madison better whereby he would hopefully invite me to the team of RSD to work with them (my ego got hold of me a little bit that night, thinking I was someone unique).

 

During all that thinking, I walked past a strange-looking black fellow, with a scarf of sorts but for the rest an exposed upper body. He said a word and me —respectful as I am— turned around and he started talking to me. Under the dim light of the full moon, I felt gentle, receptive and compassionate. The way he talked and expressed himself was quite extraordinary... How can my limited vocabulary explain this... He expressed himself as freely as a child would. He turned out to be gay, and he certainly had the flamboyance of a stereotypical feminine gay guy —taken to the extreme. and even though he was unabashingly flirting with me in a very sexual manner, I did not feel threatened by him in the least. My former self from a couple years back would have been, but now I saw a zorba: a person who emotionally has nothing to withhold. I took much interest in his personality, and I noticed how he was one of the very few people ever whom when talking to I felt no internal pressure to leave the conversation. He seemed so utterly at ease with himself that I felt at ease with him too.

 

So the way the conversation took forth was like this: at first he asked me in his typical mannerisms if I could spare to give 10 euros. Me being both struck by his personality and in a particulary compassionate mood gave him not 10 but 20 euros, telling him that I found it important that we supported one another. He kissed my feet, which I found funny. Then we kept talking —much of it his sexual avances, to which I had to respond multiple times that I was not gay— He also said that I was beautiful, which was a reply I genuinely appreciated. I didn't just take it as a superficial flirting attempt, but I interpreted he was referring to the soft and compassionate state I was embodying at that moment. I liked to hear that; I felt like it gave my suffering meaning, that now someone else also could confirm how much I'd changed and that it was not just by my own judgement. Someone else giving me a compliment like that really hit good with me. I can't recall all of the rest of the conversation. But as a confirmation that I was on good terms with him, I not only agreed that I would be okay with sleeping in his house, but that I wanted to get his number too, and still repeating that I wasn't going to do any gay stuff. You, the reader, may perhaps think that it's dangerous to accept an invitation of a flirtatious gay man when he invites you to his house... But the way he was... I just could not feel threatened by him. And I needed a place to stay anyways for tomorrow night, so that's what I proposed.

 

As the night passeth, I did not feel like going out anymore. I was planning to go to the Macdonalds for a few hours, grab a cheap meal and then use internet. Unfortunately, it turned out that —just as most shops— the place closed at 3AM, which was very short after I'd arrived. So now I searched for another place I'd hoped would be open for longer. Turned out they were also about to close. As I stood there by chance the flamboyant gay black guy showed up again. He took me to a bar —which I initially declined because I was not feeling like loud music, but eventually I complied— and then I sat there pondering over the two of us being exact opposites. He being a zorba who was flirting with many different people in the bar —man and woman alike— in his gay fashion, with exposed upper body but with his shirt knotted around his ribcage (if I remember it correctly), and then me, being almost just as weird in my own way where I was making slow, meditative and carefully orchestrated movements with my hands and eyes, often staring blankly ahead, having my eyes closed at other times, and yet again at other times just staring around. I do not make these movements because I want to look special; rather, I really want to center myself in such a distracting and new environment. When I'm exposed to such a new situation, I can not help but to make effort to get back to my core so I don't get too distracted by the outside world. That's the effort: centering and grounding. But it looks weird to others, I can understand. Perhaps even weirder than my flamboyant friend: at least he's known at that place and his exorbitant behavior and dance moves better match the context of that place. Meditating in that sense is so alien to the western world that it looks as if something has gone wrong when he does it in public, and particularly in a bar. To many, it may look as if you're "going bad", but quite the contrary is the case

 

So as I was sitting there I was pondering about the differences between me and Mr V, the gay guy. (rather not disclose his full name). I was thinking about Osho's tale about zorba and the Buddha. That one should have qualities of both zorba the uninhibited, expressive and carefree spirit, and Buddha the meditative, compassionate and coordinated spirit. Even though I'm certainly not a Buddha completely, I felt like I could perhaps learn to be more like zorba just by being around this guy. I wondered if it was a worthwhile goal to be pursued. Meanwhile, I wondered if I could teach this guy some meditation. He was so open he told about him being raped (as to my question as to why he thought he turned gay) and about his family dying in the Bijlmer-disaster, a disaster in which a freight jetliner flew into an apartment building. I wondered if I could teach him meditation to heal himself, and that perhaps he could teach me about how to become more like a carefree zorba.

 

But as I got bored in that bar I said I would go outzide. So I went outside and just sat there overlooking the main club venue corridor of Amsterdam. Funnily enough, Madison and his students walked by, coming in close enough proximity to greet Madison. I could talk about how my voice was one or two octaves higher than I had hoped to sound, or about the fact that he didn't greet me, or about me wondering if he had remembered me, but I realize very clearly that those minor insecurities are quite silly and thus not worthwhile delving further in to.

 

So after a bit of strolling and wondering what I would do next (the bar with the gay guy had already closed and he had left). I wanted to go to a 24/7 place with free internet or whatever, just sit there and comfort myself by the warmth. There were however none I could find without walking through the entire city of Amsterdam, so eventually I went to the station, which by now should have finally reopened after the night. And it was open so I sat at the Starbucks using some internet but also staring ahead just at the people walking by in my half-sleepy state for what must've been like an hour (I really lose track of times doing this, tbh). Eventually I left the place but I found out that even by just sitting there for longer than half an hour you pay 20€ if you leave the gates of the venue again (which is controlled by using our national traveling card), so I still need to figure that out.

 

As I was in a second Starbucks and with my phone battery running out with no charger at hand, My mother, whom I was in contact with, suggested that I could stay at a place of a friend's of hers. This was after I had tried to contact the gay guy through text to stay, but he thus far had not responded. So I finally contacted my mother's friend, P, and she was totally okay with receiving me.

 

So eventually (also after having bought a charger for 10€) I got to her place which I could stay at till tomorrow. Unfortunately there was a photoshoot of the house at 3PM so then I had to get up from my sleep that I needed, but that was alright. After that I simply went to bed and fell asleep again.

 

Waking up I realized I had to come to a decision whether I would really do the hotseat or not. I had signed a format the end of the free tour for the hotseat, but that wasn't a final confirmation. I had received a text whether I was okay with "paying 300 USD from card 4877 6500 7912 8223". (not an actual credit card, just fucking with you) I was afraid the 300 dollar would be written off from my mother's credit card all at once. So I send a text message to the same number asking if it could be in terms, as was previously told it would be available when I was at the counter at the end of the free tour. But first I felt like it was finally time to call my mother to tell about this situation where I wanted to spend 300 USD. She didn't like it, and neither did my father. My father seemed even somewhat overcome by emotions if my judgement was correct, not something I'm used to from him.

 

Okay at this point I just decide it's been long enough writing now so I will write the rest down later.

 

Day 45, 46 and 47 (Saturday, Sunday and Monday 4,5 and 6 November)

 

You know what? Even though there is A LOT to write about regarding the past few days, I simply do not feel like doing that. Why? I feel like I'm writing more than I can handle. Therefore, I will write a summary here instead of an in-depth review of my thought processes

 

Saturday:

 

- Attended hotseat

- Had intention to practice to surrender, which worked out quite well. Amsterdam time in general I was unusually much centered in my heart. Possibly due to full moon.

- Enjoyed the hotseat, positive thoughts about the program, exercises and Madison too.

- Certainly gave a lot to think about if and how I should be approaching again

- Definately felt like the most noteworthy person in the room (statement I will come back to)

- Talked to Madison about volunteer position, apply through website. I agreed. Seemed quite convinced applying as volunteer felt like right step to take.

- meditated before going out to process hotseat, then went out and tried just a couple of things. Not much effect due to intent and assertiveness being weak, but other qualities such as authenticity, freedom from outcome, playfulness, non-reactiveness and calibration felt well developed. I could handle rejection suprisingly well. approaching felt quite light-hearted, playful and at ease. Barely any judgement/hesitation-fatigue made this possible.

 

Sunday:

 

- Inevitably felt ego coming back thinking about the impression I had made on Madison and the students during the hotseat. Ego makes myself feel important (even though I know that's not virtuous). Important note to take however that during the hotseat there was not too much ego present and could surrender quite easily there. So don't misinterpret that during the hotseat there was a lot of ego.

- Also a lot of other reflection on the events during that day

- already made a start writing my volunteer application

- Much thinking about what it would mean for me to be a volunteer, and the possibilities it could create.

- Felt so centered in the heart during a particular time in the night and I imagined what that would mean for me acting it out in real life and game. Envisioned myself for instance approaching women or people whilst twirling, jumping, singing and acting as silly as only a young child could do. I felt so much potential to make people happy whilst I was centered in the heart. I enjoyed imagining that this heart-centered state would allow me to connect with RSD instructors, become a part of them, and go out with them. A man can always dream. Felt the possibilities of what it would mean to express myself fully through the heart. Felt and envisioned both the madness and joy of being in the heart. I also noticed that during my walk shortly after somehow I could do what seemed like smooth tai-cho movements even though I had never practiced tai-chi. Excited for the possibilities of the heartspace.

- Also did research on ayahuasca, which is something I felt excited to experiment with in a guided group to see higher possiblities of life and existence. For a moment felt really excited to try it out. Wanted to ask parents for loan money next day to allow me to do some experiments with several things.

 

Monday:

 

- Notice that energy starts going back to mind again. Not in a painful way, but am seemingly leaving the heartspace again. It doesn't matter. Never had such an experience before where I was so centered in the heart. Had not expected it to last for too long anwyay. I am glad that I saw more possibilities of happiness and joy.

- As I'm continuing writing this volunteer application I'm starting to doubt whether now is really the right time to apply for it. As I'm going back to my mind again, I feel less excited to still volunteer for RSD, or to develop the qualities that I want to develop as a RSD volunteer/intern.

- Same with this desire to experiment ayahuasca... Where yesterday it felt correct to try it out soon, now it doesn't feel as appropiate anymore. All just because I'm leaving the heartspace?

- Considering starting to put the Tao-exercises I've been learning in my weekly tao course into daily personal practice.

- Felt much energy related to the third eye today.

- Felt that it is true what they said: that willpower comes from an activated third eye. I noticed the energy in my third eye as I was disciplining myself to clean to help my mother in house chores

 

Day 48 and 49 (Tuesday and Wednesday 7 and 8 November 2017)

 

Tuesday:

 

Blimey, I have almost completely forgotten what I did yesterday/ There's a couple of things. I think I'm once again going to sumamrize it instead of elaborate it.

 

- Once again much meditation and energy going to the third eye.

- Intended to to both yoga practice for lotus pose and qi-gong practices today. I did the yoga practice, not the qi-gong one. I thought about doing it late at night but it didn't feel appropiate and I reasoned I could use this to practice forgiveness and commitment, as the WHAT is not important, but the HOW is always. This is what it means to surrender, and this is what I'm practicing: Making decisions in fullness.

- Found out that my sexual kungfu exercises had not been done correctly. I thought that I prevented ejaculation by strongly holding the PC muscle after what they call "the point of no return", but it turned out i was making it into a retrograde ejaculation, meaning it went to by bladder and thus I still dispersed instead of transformed the energy. Next time I could do the "finger lock" exercise if I happened to go past the point of no return. But ideally I would prevent going past that point.

- Late in the night I did an exercise in which I stared at myself in the mirror and I let my eyes gaze unfocused or uncontrolled. Interesting phenomenon. I saw myself disappear, as in visually see myself disappear because with the eyes not moving, the mind stopped and the third eye could function in such a way that it could make that happen. I have experienced this somewhat similairly before, but never before so clearly.

 

Wednesday:

 

Woke up with an erection and feeling sexual. Decided to practice a little bit of sexual kungfu again. After that, I did what I still owed myself from doing yesterday, and practiced both some yoga exercises and qi-gong. Then went downstairs because I expected my driver instructor to be there at 3PM, but he never arrived because something else came up for him. Then decided to take a bath, in which once again I started to feel sexual and this time I touched myself very tenderly and sensetively. Despite of that, I still passed the "point of no return" because it's so hard to notice where the boundary is, but I was prepared. I at least managed to do the "finger lock", in which I still managed to at least conserve some of the energy. Next time, however, I will not try to go past the point and I will contract the PC muscle firmly if I feel like I might go past it.

 

This evening was interesting. First off I meditated a little bit more on my third eye and I began to understood that willpower was different and seperated from attachment and ordinary desire. This was something I must have experienced a few years back, when I was still in a firmly established yang-phase, but I had since then forgotten what it was like. I had started to connect it with desire and attachment again. It is really not as much. Perhaps it is related to desire, but this willpower is what makes you take action for the desire without any hesitation. I could imagine that with this willpower you could step up to a woman and be relentlessly dedicated to reeling her in. This willpower is the antidote towards half-assing.

 

Around the evening meal I decided that tomorow I will be going towards Amsterdam again. Not only had Madison at the hotseat told that he would invite students on Thursday to see a movie with him, but there were also some headphones I have left there in Amsterdam which I won't be getting back until Christmas if I don't come and pick them up. So that's why it seems wise to hit not one, not two, but three birds with one stone because my parents had also said that I could visit the "rijksmuseum" in Amsterdam on their costs last time I was there.

 

Then I got a call from V, the guy I had met in Amsterdam in the last weekend. He said he needed some money, but at the same time he did offer me to stay at his place from then on at any time for free. Now this is obviously sketchy, but I could sense that it was urgent, because he said it he owed someone it fast, and indeed the last time he called me the person who he owed money to actually was there and spoke to me on the phone and gave me his bank address.

 

Obviously this is very sketchy, but I realise that people make mistakes and that's why I decided to help him, and also because it was seemingly urgent. I must've been like his last hope. I however, won't do this again and this is a good practice for me to be very clear to him that I won't allow this to happen again and to practice assertiveness, a skill I have lost along the way and now I will be trying to regain again.

 

Day 50 (Thursday 9 November 2017)

 

I see how my desire for assertiveness now takes shape in the field. I had the desire on this day suddenly to go into the field and practice assertiveness by leading a girl away just by being very assertive about it.

 

Boy, was this difficult. IN fact, I had tried to do it but I had not actually approached a girl because there was too much approach anxiety. So I left without having approached. You may think this is a sign of weakness, but in fact, given my circumstances I see it as a sign of strength. I will later on explain why that is.

 

So I went to the downtown area with the inten of leading a girl away just by being very assertive. Just the fact that I felt massive approach anxiety for this (and no so much for approaching a girl casually but doing nothing special) was for me a very clear sign that this is where my sticking point is. It’s funny… I have developed so many skills during the course of time such as receptivity, presence, non-reactiveness, vulnerability, authenticity and more recently also an increased sense of non-attachment, but I have never truly become good at masculine traits such as assertiveness, commitment and intent. Maybe a couple of years back, in 2013 and 2014 I exercised those more masculine traits a little bit more, but in the field I had never been successful with it. The past couple years however I’ve developed the feminine side of myself much more. But now it’s time to regain my masculinity. But boy, is that HARD.

 

During my night out, I did a couple of walk-by’s, but there seemed to be like a physical wall in between me and the set I wanted to approach. I just COULD NOT get myself to make that left or right turn towards the set, because the approach anxiety was really just as such. Particularly the earlier walk-by’s were impossible, but even when my approach anxiety lessened somewhat I still could not get myself to do it. But the way I handled it was that it became very important to me that I was very aware that I was not going to attack myself with guilt, and that I was to admit that I simply could not do it as of then, when an attempt had failed. I meditated multiple times and watched my mind for any feelings or thoughts of self-attack, and I watched the approach anxiety and other feelings also. Unlike I had done before, the “how” now become more important than the “what”. In other words: I gave priority now to how I dealt with the situation on the inner level instead of the outer level. I had never done it like that before. I had always given priority to the fact that I did it, but not as much as to how I did it with situations like these. So after multiple failed attempts, I decided to take a walk and considered the fact of giving up on approaching in the way I had set out to do for this night. I felt like that was the more courageous thing to do.

 

Why do I think that is more courageous to do, you ask? Because I have forced myself to do a particular thing in the field many many times, and not too often did I feel too satisfied with it. Sometimes I did, but that was quite rare. The more common thing for me was that despite the fact that I had done it, I still didn’t really enjoy the conversation that much and there was still a lot of guilt and self-attack even after I had done the approach as to why I hadn’t approached earlier and also judgement about the approach itself.

 

So I was very familiar with forcing myself to do something on the outer level. And I now realized that this sense that I MUST do it is really at some point a way of the ego to manifest itself because the ego does not want to feel weak, the ego does not want to feel like it’s a coward. But in reality, forcing yourself to do something at all costs is in this case actually an action based on fear because you don’t want to perceive yourself as weak. You are afraid to disappoint yourself, and you do not have the courage to be gentle and kind to yourself and give yourself the space to rest when you deem that to be appropriate, even if you had not done what you set out to do. Because at some point, if you are unable to perform the energy goes to the head too much, and when the energy goes too much to the head it’s really already a lost case. You may still do it at that point, but you won’t get too much satisfaction from it and you are not open to learn in that particular fashion. Learning comes through awareness primarily, not only through action. And in this particular night, my awareness said perhaps for the first time that it was okay to not approach and to continue this endeavor another time. And to the ego it seems like you have failed, but from the point of my developing consciousness I see this as an achievement.

 

Is all this arguing merely a compensation for the fact that I have not done what I was supposed to do? Maybe. I admit that I can not know for sure. However, it does not feel as if I have failed. I went home feeling okay with myself. How many guys can say that they feel okay with themselves after they have not approached whilst they had set it as a goal for themselves to do so? How many?

 

So that’s the thing I am learning and prioritizing now. It’s not WHAT I’m doing, it’s about HOW. And through not taking action here, I am reinforcing for myself the decision to focus on the HOW, and not the WHAT. Ultimately all that matters is not what you do indeed, it is how your attitude about it is.

 

So yeah, this whole desire to be assertive got me thinking. It got me thinking about society and the current state it is in. I suddenly realize more deeply how unbalanced the yin and the yang are at this moment. Men are emasculated, they are told they need to treat women with respect and courteousy, which I consider as good. But on the downside, there is a lot of fearmongery which you see all over the media of men being accused of rape, sexual assault, and men going to jail for it. You also see a lot of people talking about how women are not objects of lust, and a lot of public shaming on men who actually are in contact with the masculine side of themselves. Take for instance Julien, how he got involved in a massive media scandal a few years back when a video came out where he was being very dominant with Japanese women. People are so much fighting against their inherent masculine/feminine energy (masculine energy for men, feminine energy for women), that they repress any men/women who is okay with either being a dominant and assertive alpha-male, or a receptive and sexually open female. Either you are a pig, a jackass, or you are a slut. It is therefore very hard to go directly against the currents of society and honor your masculinity by being dominant and assertive towards a girl, or as a girl, by honoring the fact that you are sexual and you want to be dominated by men and made to surrender to them.

 

There are a number of men who are quite dominant, which is good because it is progress given the state of society as it is, but the problem is that many of them tend to become very disrespectful towards women, treating them with no respect and courteousy. That is the frame society has came from, that women were not only being dominated but also enslaved by men, so it is understandable that society has been fighting against that. But the quest is now that men are taking their masculine nature back whilst SIMULTANEOUSLY are learning how to respect women and honor them. You are dominant, yet you allow freedom. You are assertive, yet you do not enslave her. You know what it’s like to talk man to woman, yet you are calibrated to how she feels and you take her feelings into account. This is the challenge and this is the goal. You merge with both the masculine and feminine within yourself, and you know when to use either polarity according to the situation. You are sensitive, yet unwavering.

 

I had come to know the importance of being masculine and assertive a couple of days back, when I saw a girl on a bench in Amsterdam who appeared very sad. Because she was just sitting there in the rain looking blankly ahead. I don’t know if I have mentioned this story already in my journal… I wanted to approach her to ask what was wrong, but she sort of shrieked, and because I had not developed the masculine side within myself I could not be intentful and make her open up about herself and let her tell what was wrong. This is a clear case as to how masculine traits are very useful. And this is an eye-opening moment because for the first time I also realized clearly that displaying and practicing masculine traits is not only for the sake for your own personal gains, but will also be of an advantage of the people you are interacting with. You will be able to break through resistance with your masculinity and allow themselves to express them from their core. You will go straight through their bullshit and confront them with their shadow issues. And also, women like an alpha-male. Even though on the surface-level it may seem rude to be commanding and assertive, on the deeper level you are doing them a great favor.

 

I am going to take back my masculinity. I am going learn what it’s like to talk man to woman again. I am going to show society what it’s like to be a man again. But not a man who is just a jackass or a prick, but who is a holistic individual who both know how to be assertive and dominant, but also know when to be receptive and show feminine traits towards his woman. I am feeling very eager to become this man. But the first step right now is developing assertiveness, developing dedication, developing intent. I am going to do what I was going to do yesterday, and that is trying leading the girl away by being very assertive. It is very likely going to fail the first time, and maybe the first couple of times, and I may look creepy… But there is no other way to learn this shit. I have to do what I have to do, and the transitional phase, the learning phase may appear as creepy. There is just no other way around it. I have to be willing to sacrifice my ego and to this desire of my ego to be “socially accepted”. I have to change, and the only way to do that is to go directly against the current that society doesn’t want you to go in. This is very difficult at first, but there is no other way.

 

Day 51 and 52 (Friday and Saturday 10 and 11 November 2017)

 

On friday I did not do as much. I did however go out and see if I still wanted to do something, but in the end it just didn't feel that appropiate to me.

 

In the evening we lost connectivity with the internet. That was a bit of a bummer, because I definately waned t use it. It shows how much I rely on internet.

So I went to bed to just chill there a little bit without internet. I senses a bit of pain at that moment for some reason. Just undefined and seemingly uncaused pain as I had witnessed before. I expected that moments like that would come back, but for a moment I felt a sense of gratitude even for the pain. For just a moment, I felt the value of the pain too as an integral process of growth and evolution. Tears came to my eyes. I could not hold that moment of gratitude for too long, but I will try to remember that gratitude that I felt.

 

That's pretty much all I want to report on for Friday, really.

 

Saturday:

 

I'm starting to think... Is it necessary for me to be creepy at some times do I want to make progress and practice? Because this is what I've been avoiding all this time since I've picked game back up. I at all costs wanted to avoid being viewed as creepy. Awkward? Perhaps. But creepy? I've shyed away from that and have not even really considered it. But now that I'm learning qualities such as assertiveness and dominance, I feel like I've got not other choice than to go through a transitional phase in which creepiness will ensue. Because I feel that if you want to utter bold statements as "I want to put a baby in your tummy" with grounding, then you have to practice it a couple of times where you say it without being able to put 100% of your energy in it. In trying to be authentic, you don't have to learn this because you can calibrate. So this is the bigger challenge... In trying to be authentic you can at least use your authenticity and vulnerability as a buffer for the awkwardness. In being bold you can not, at least not as much.

 

So I need to be ready to my ego. I need to be ready to forget all about status and completely surrender to he process. I need to be ready to look creepy. If I am going to be creepy, then own it. Then become the king of creepiness. Become the king of the creepers. Then be as creepy as you can possibly be. Why do anything half-heartedly? If I am going to be creepy, just be as creepy as I can possibly be. Then own it. Then just be fucking creepy.

 

However, I'm thinking now... Why just not make it fun? You can say bold things like "I want to put a baby in your tummy" without needing to have a stark and serious face with it. You can laugh about your own statement. I guess this is a big reason why I did not decide to approach yesterday, and also did not feel like doing it today again. Because I probably just took myself to serious. Who says I need to have a serious attitude about it? Why make it into a struggle? You can be assertive and firm yet jolly. Really no need to come up with this serious face and attitude.

 

That's something I need to keep in mind. There is no need to make this whole game thing into a struggle. Does not mean I wouldn't need to overcome a lot of approach anxiety, but keep it light-hearted, laught with and about yourself, and be enjoy the process itself. Because... I have already been doing so much better than 3 months ago, and it only keeps increasing. Why kill the enjoyment for the sake of achieving something? Why not enjoy the process altogether? This is the clear distinction I want to make between the new me and the me from 4 years ago who also used to take a lot of action in the field. The me from 4 years ago, however, eventually became much too desperate for results and thus became much too serious about it. The new me I want to be a process-oriented person. It's not about achieving certainresults, but about the joy of taking action, getting out of your comfort zone and improving yourself. Forget about the results. It's not what you get, it is who you become. That is the clear distinction I now want to make. Make it fun, make it always rewarding. Ensure always that you feel better after approaching a set. Or at the very least not worse. Make that the very priority: That it doesn't become a struggle. Always keep it light-hearted; always remember that the word "game" is to be taken literally. It is a game; it should be a game.

 

I am very excited for the potential that I have for the person I can become. It will still be difficult, however. For instance: I am worrying about decision-making fatigue based on how the girl looks. I don't want to recede in my mind trying to judge what the girl looks like. But at this point I do still feel to insecure to approach less attractive women too and flirt with them too. I eventually want to be able to do that too, because I want to make flirtation my very nature, not some act I put up. But for now social conditioning makes it too difficult for me to be flirting with less attractive women, or at least what would be regarded as 'ugly' women. I eventually want to get out of my mental judgement and also be able to flirt with almost any woman, regardless of whether I want to take it a step further or not. Because when I walk by the venue with the intention to approach but I start to look too much at whether the women I see are attractive or not... It gets you out of the present moment and into your head. But unfortunately I feel like walking up to a girl even if she looks ugly feels like too much internal pressure for me... At least just the idea of it. I really want to get out of that fear of losing status too, however. But I don't really feel ready just yet. But if I do start judging, I am retracting energy from my body into my mind. I really would like to just leave this whole status-thing behind and just approach and flirt with all women for the fucking sake of it. But social conditioning weighs really heavy on me; I'm very afraid of looking stupid. I know I need to eventually get past this, but I have a lot of fear here.

For instance, I know my brother and his friends will go out tonight. This quite scared me too... I'm not as afraid of looking stupid as I'm afraid to look stupid in front of people that I know. But I will need to get over this too.

 

It will come by time. But remember... It can all become an enjoyable process if you allow yourself to take everything light-heartedly.

 

Additional information edited afterwards:

 

Boy, I'm so glad about what I just did.

 

So I wanted to make up this evening for what I didn't accomplish two days ago. I wanted to be assertive and lead a girl away from a set. I initiall wanted to wait like 12PM, for when the venue would be crowded and girls would be standing there. However, I was just too energized to wait and I just really wanted to go. So I went at around 9:45 PM. After that, I spent around 2 hours, 2 FUCKING HOURS trying to approach a set on the street trying to do what I set out to do. The approach anxiety was simply that big. I ran, I followed and then stumbled and stopped many times repeatedly because I wanted to run towards them but then approach anxiety overcame me. No matter what frame I used in my like "You are creepy, just be creepy" (like owning it, not judging yourself for it), and "It's just about fucking doing it. Once it's done, it will all be over". But no matter what reframe I tried to use, the approach anxiety was just so much that it took me 2 hours to enact upon my plan with having to take 2 breaks in between. I'm sure some people noticed me acting weird, because admittedly I looked very odd in the way I behaved, my body labguage was and my facial expressions as I walked around the streets trying to approach a girl. But you know what: I didn't even care. I just wanted to get it fucking done. So after like two hours after taking a break I said to myself that I needed to run and approach the first set I saw. I first encountered a guy and a girl, and even though I had said to myself that I needed to do that I jsut fucking couldn't. Then I ran by some bars but I also couldn't. Eventually on the street I saw two women and I did approach them, never stopping my running. Certainly I wasn't the "dominant alpha-male", and I had not assertiveness whatsoever trying to lead the girl away, causing the conversation to stop very shortly. But you know what? I fucking did it.

 

Now the priority is to take some rest, let this yang-energy lose its momentum, and be careful that my energy and desires don't start becoming franetic, that I don't suddenly start asking a lot from myself and burning myself out. Because this yang-energy has a certain momentum that if you stay unconscious it will drag you along making you forget when you need to rest, meditate and calibrate. So it's very important that I take it step by step and that I don't start believing my mind if it says that I need to go approaching all day every day like a fucking madman. Know when to take rest. We'll continue our pick-up journeys later. We'll see when that is and how. For now just forget about it.

 

Another re-edit:

 

Oh boy. I just went to the downtown area again because I felt like doing more and I'm glad I did. I once again practiced being assertive and after a bit of hesitating (not too much) I stood in an alleyway and I decided that when I came out of the alleyway I would instantly approach and do this assertive practice of trying to lead the girl away. Even though the original intention failed, the girls responded with pleasure to it and we hit up a playful conversation, in which we were trying to see how crazy we could be. After that they went inside to go to the toilet or something and feeling like it was beyond my capacity to stop them from doing so, I let them do it. Besides, I was already satisfied with the conversation anyways.

 

After that, I kind of was wondering whether I should keep on approaching or just stay with this one challenge at a time thing, when I heard a girl call out my name. It was Lena. Lena is a girl who lives two houses away and I initially just said hi back, but as I walked away I realized very clearly that I should go back and talk to her. After all, I never really have done that. Lena is a girl I've had much sexual fantasies about. Very attractive girl. She's a bit on the short side, but that's actually what I like about her. Just a very nice physical shape with some fine booty, and certainly not an unnattractive face either. I also like her energy: calm, receptive, gentle. Boy, would I like for that girl to be in my bed with me. I am right now promising myself that I will one day make that happen.

 

Me, Lena and some other guy she also just barely knew, went to the Burger king, which wasn't even my proposal. We ate there and had some nice conversation with the three of us. The other guy seemed to be a guy who was comfortable with himself and that made it a bit easier because now it wasn't all too awkward. I talked a bit too and, as I am but also a bit to impress, showcased my intelligence by being quite articulate and careful with my words. To give you an idea: It's like in many sentences I pause a little bit midway, then act (and am) as if looking for a particular word that suits me well, whilst making the appropiate gesture for it, and then continuing to express. It's a bit like... I'd say my expression style is a bit similair to Elliot Hulse, although I do not speak as powerfully as he does.

 

So we talked, and the conversation steered in a natural way towards my journeys and my trip to Mexico, in which I expressed my hardships there, as that was a natural way for the conversation to continue, and the fact that I'm rather comfortable with expressing my sensitivities.

 

After that we walked out. Can't say I was more of a leader at that point than the other guy (even though he certainly wasn't trying to be competitive, but he simply took more initiative), but I wasn't trying to compensate for it and relinquished myself in my role as a more passive but attentive participant. After that we walked to the bikes because we wanted to say goodbye, in which I thought of giving Lena a kiss on her cheek and hugging her as we would go away, but the situation was as such that there was a lot of other activities going one with us as a group as new people entered in and also blocked my route to Lena so I couldn't say goodbye to her initially. So as I didn't know better, I waited and tried to surrender myself to this waiting process. But then she and that other guy I was previously with got drawn into another group and then I still stood there a bit away from it. I decided it was time to be assertive now and walk up to the group and say firmly and clearly goodbye to the guy and Lena, and I decided to give Lena a hug. She seemed to glimmer a little bit, but I must not immediality think too much of it because she is that kind of girl in general to glimmer. So i'm glad I took that assertive stance and said goodbye to them in a masculine fashion, not half-assing the goodbye.

 

Now I must be careful not to develop oneitis over this girl. Even though she's a really pretty girl I clearly realize that if I start obsessing over this particular girl that problems will start to ensue. I must forget about her and focus on increasing my game in general, not just for her.

 

Day 53 (Sunday/Monday November 12th - November 13th 2017)

 

I am noting my datestamps now as such that it uncludes two dates now, because my sleep schedule is as such that I really am awake almost equally as much on both dates.

 

So on this day it was really resting day. This is what I notice after really having gone hard at something, that it needs to be balanced by a lot of rest. So that's what I did most of the day, particulary the earlier part of it: resting. Just laying down in bed or the couch, either sleeping, awake but not doing anything, or doing something like using my phone, something that requires not much yang to it.

 

As the day went on though (or night, I should say), I became once aspired again to rewrite my application for becoming and RSD intern. Last time that I wrote that application (did I talk about it in my journal about this already?) I wrote A LOT of text, which I now wanted to shorten a little bit.

 

Even though it was shorter than last time, I somehow still manage to make it very long. If I'm very excited about something and it's related to writing, then I basically almost cannot stop myself. It's very difficult. I just go on and on about my past 4 years, my history with RSD, and probably way too extensive personality profile... I don't know how exactly how to feel about doing it this way. On one hand, it flows naturally like that, but on the other hand I feel like it has a certain value limit myself a little bit. Perhaps all this writing is for me a way to basically vomit my mind, to vomit out the words that go on inside my head; Hence I had no problem erasing the entire record I had made in my application last time I did it.

 

I did not send it however just yet. I actually got to a point where I suddenly noticed a lack of knowledge, and it really itched me to know. So in the morning around 8AM I took a walk outside to think about this matter. It was about what surrender meant, what the value of surrender was opposed to willpower. I had written in the application that I highly valued the practice of surrender, and that I wanted to contribute by surrendering  to the demands of my employer, but I wondered why exactly I felt so tempted to practice that.

 

During my philosophizing walk I came to a few realizations. Surrender means relaxation, whereas will means tension. In surrender, the very same act that you do with willpower now consumes a whole lot less energy than when you would do it on willpower, or possibly it would give you even more energy! This is because in surrender you just take whatever comes your way; you go with the flow. With will, you insist on being a seperated part from existence that needs to have its problems solved, and it creates problems because you think that you are a seperated entity from the whole, that you are alone. Willpower, therefore, implies a strengthening of the ego, a strengthening of the entity that needs to come up for solutions for problems that it created itself. Willpower in itself implies tension, because you are not honoring the present moment as it is; You are insisting that something needs to be changed and that life is not good as it is. Therefore, the same action done with willpower takes a whole lot more energy and strain than if it is done in a surrendered state of mind, because with willpower your focus in concentrated on achieving the particular thing you want, as with surrender your awareness is open because there is no need, no ambition involved. There is no need to concentrate because there is no need for something to change; you simply go with the flow, therefore your awareness is open and you can remain the watcher, whose body moves on the periphery. Whereas in willpower through your concentration your awareness is completely entangled with the content of what you are doing, and therefore you lose sight of the context, and of the watcher.

 

And for the same reason you are truly able to learn in a surrendered state of mind, because your awareness is open to any impressions, whereas in effort and willpower you only see what you are focusing on, and not the larger context of what is happening and why it is happening. That is why if you learn to surrender, you have to do very little to learn a lot. And surrender does not mean that you become lazy and complacent. Surrender means that you are still able to be active, but that your awareness is not concentrated and entangled with the action itself, and therefore you can maintain a healthy balance between Being and Doing. Surrender is the integration between Yin and Yang, the synthesis between the inner male and female, the "razor-sharp edge". It had never occured to me before that surrender means balance between Yin and Yang. And if you don't know: Yin means female, passive, receptive, relaxation. Yang means male, action, activity, movement, progress.

 

I do not know however if action is required for you to be in a surrendered state of mind. As I found out, too much of Yin only is also dangerous. But is it dangerous because it's unbalanced, or because you eventually lose the capacity to surrender? Can you surrender totally and still live your entire life in primarily in Yin, in inactivity? Is yang required for surrender? Because I know that Yin is absolutely vital for the state of surrender, but I wonder if Yang is also. One would think that it would be, given that the laws of existence tend to keep everything in harmony.

 

This is basically what occured to me during my walk of philosophizing. Do I think willpower has no use then whatsoever on its own? I feel like it does have its own place in the evolution of human consciousness. For instance, even though it took a lot of effort, strain and pain for me to approach that girl last saturday after two hours of hesitating, I am really glad I have done it because I feel like I'm moving forward to a goal and ambition I want to achieve. And I feel like I'm not ready to give up this desire to become succesful with women, so because of ambition at least some will and effort on my part is required, at least the effort I have to make to break through old and constrictive boundaries. Only through will can I expand my comfort zone here, I feel like. But it is very important for me that I keep those moments of great will and effort balanced with the capacity to relax and appreciate it afterwards. I feel like for those two hours of great exertion I need pretty much an entire day to recover from it, but I feel like it's well worth it.

 

Day 54 (Monday/Tuesday November 13th - November 14th 2017)

 

Feeling like my mind is running me again today. Today is a bit a day of indulgence, which I am accepting of myself. I notice awkwardly that when I tried to meditate along in the weekly Tao-training, mental-emotional complexities started to rise from the basement to the surface, meaning in practical terms that certain inner sensations overwhelm me at that point which require awareness to be dissolved, but because I'm at that moment practicing I don't really have the time and space to do that. How do I deal with this?...

 

I'm also thinking about what it would mean if I right now would actually send in my application form. I have heard from one guy that he was told that RSD wanted him to fly to the United States the very next day. Personally I'm not ready to do that just yet, not only because I have a couple of projects running like driving lessons and a work=exploration traject that starts next week (which I am even ready abolish if necessary), but I also don't feel like I'm experienced enough to apply for the position I would really want to get, which is Vegas immersion coach, and hopefully someday RSD instructor. I know it sounds cocky if I say that I have a great potential to become a RSD instructor, but I believe that if I decide to go for that position 100% I can absolutely do it. I am hyperintelligent, and I feel like that once I get a bit of practice down I will be absolutely killing it with girls. My energy is already quite strong and powerful, it just hasn't been trained with the right qualities such as assertiveness and persistence and such. Once I get those qualities down, coupled with my energy and the other qualities I have already developed, I am absolutely confident that I will be able to become one of the greatest pimps that have ever existed. It's just a matter of time. I haven't even had the experiences yet, but I can feel it in my mind's eye; I can sense in my imagination what that would be like.

 

There are a couple of practices that I want to do soon: The practice (in daygame) of saying "I want to put a baby in your tummy" (learning to convey sexual intent), and possibly the practice of shouting at a girl from a distance to come over to me (daring to express authority). Both are quite scary to me, especially the last one. But I feel like the quickest way to learn is to put yourself through high exposure of your fears, but with awareness and intelligence, and the appropiate amount of rest and revitalization after.

 

But there's another thing I want to do. Next Thursday, I want to go to a neighbouring city and just for the first time simply go all-out, simply holding nothing back and being absolutely vulgar and bold like a maniac. I will probably be very creepy, but that's exactly the intention: to accept my creepiness. I feel in my a deep desire to let go completely and completely express my sexual desires towards all the girls there. The only thing I problably won't do is a girl. I feel like I want to do this because I have been holding back my sexual feelings and desires towards girls for so long, that I feel that I need a great catharsis. So it's not going to be about having success, or being efficient, or not even so much about being intelligent about it. No, it's about having a great catharsis, a great release of suppressed sexual frustrations and energies. I have said it before: Whatever I'm going to do I want to do it with absolute fullness, meaning that if I'm going to be creepy I may aswell be the king of all the creepers. I want to be like that horny young buck in mating season that tries to mate with all the females. So it's not about having success, but about having a great catharsis of repressed desires, which will even be released if I even don't get laid.

 

I'm excited for that but scared too. I don't know what I'm capable of. But I must remember  that whatever happens simply doesn't matter and I want to use the fact that I'm in another city too so that it can break away the last boundaries of fear.

 

Day 55 (Tuesday/Wednesday November 14th - November 15th 2017)

 

I'm starting to think a little bit about me having this desire for women yet not feeling able to surrender to the process of practicing it. Sure, I could force myself, but I have a lot of experience with doing so and it never took out really well. Forcing something, as I define it, is doing something for no other reason than that your mind tells you to. Don;t get me wrong, the mind can be used as a beautiful tool, but if your instinct and/or intuition is not aligned with your mind, it becomes very dangerous and you become uprooted. Take last saturday, for instance. Even though I had 2 hours of strain and pain with the approach anxiety and me not daring to approach a woman, I was still glad I did it even though it took A LOT of energy and pain. This is because it was not merely an intellectual idea that I should approach, but I also felt it to be the right decision in my soul, so to say. I FELT like I needed to do it, I didn't only THINK that I needed to do it.

 

But I wonder... Right now I still feel the desire to get succesful with women, and I do feel like it's something I will have to practice anyways regardless... But I don't feel like I am able to surrender to the process of doing so right now. But I feel like it doesn't have to be a matter of waiting until it feels correct for my intuition to do so either. I feel like I can manage my intuition, so to say. Or perhaps a better way to put it is that I feel like that my mind is currently blocking my intuition from flowing freely. That mind is blocking me from being able to surrender, and surrender in turn allows intuition to flow freely. I feel like if I can just surrender to the process that I want to to go and practice approaching women then there would be no problem. Or am I perhaps then unnaturally trying to manage it that way? Can my ambition of becoming succesful with women be in accordance with the art of surrender and the modality of intuition? And if so, does it make a difference whether you're primarily focused on the outcome or on the process?

 

I feel like it's a worthy experiment to try to maintain my sexual energies again by not ejaculating. For the past few days I've been allowing myself to ejaculate because I felt unable to move the energy up my spine and the temptation to ejaculate felt really big, so I simply allowed myself to. But I feel like this decreases my sexual energy, my arousal and motivation to go out. I also used porn, as this felt really tempting too. I wonder however if porn, and particularly ejaculating on porn, would not be a substitute and replacement for the process of actually going out and meeting women, and flirting with them. This is why for the next few days I want to maintain my sexual energy again and prevent myself from ejaculating, to see how that would result if I would go out and approach women in the field. Perhaps I can even stay away from masturbation altogether, not only not ejaculating, to see in what this would result. I'm not sure if I want to abstain from masturbation altogether though, but I do notice that I tend to masturbate faster if I'm fantasizing, even if it's not on porn. Is mental fantasy simply not another substitute for porn? And what difference is there in the usage of porn/fantasy and masturbation but not ejaculating, opposed to with ejaculating? Not sure. I would say that it's best to stay away from masturbating altogether for the upcoming few days, but it feels so right and relaxing to actually masturbate when I'm aroused by fantasies. I don't know if I want to abstain from doing that, because I feel like this could easily result in repression. What I might do, however, is that whenever I feel the temptation to fantasize and thereby masturbate, then at that very moment I go out and approach. Then it wouldn't be repression. Then I would do that just to see what happens.

 

I need to remember, however, that there is more to life than women. I'm feeling like I'm starting to become too attached to the outcome once again.

 

Later edit:

 

Quite a lot to write about.

 

I went out the same very night, because I felt ready to it at a club tonight, with the idea of going all-out and holding nothing back.

 

Here's what happened: I went to the neighbouring city, hoping that there would be some clubs open, as in my city there always was except on sunday night. But in that city there was no activity going on on a Tuesday night. So I decided to go back to my city and simply do what I wanted to do in the other city.

 

But things never turn out as you are fantasizing it. In my head, I felt like I would be capable of doing a lot of things, but the reality was different. Basically how it proceeded was that on arrival I talked to a set, rather casual. I did decide to give her a hug however, as that was appropiate to the context. Then I went in and talked to another set, still rather casual. But then I realized I really had no desire to keep a certain momentum going. I instead felt like going outside, taking a breath, and going to another club. I did so, and talked to another girl, asking her something along the lines of "Tell me something interesting about yourself" (trying to make her qualify), and I had her guess what I would be interested in. I would say with the relative ease I proceeded in the conversation in was certainly progress, but it was still rather casual.

 

Then I went outside and simply felt like meditating, and centering a little bit. I realized I felt this to be much more appropiate. I really had no feeling for going from girl to girl like a machine gun. I feel more like a sniper, that whatever set I approach I do it with quality, which means that I try to bring totality behind the challenge I'm doing. For instance, whatever I plan to say, however unconventional or even shocking, I try not to speak any more quietly than I normally would. I want to be able to keep projecting my voice as much as possible (without it becoming screaming or shouting, of course. Just a natural strong voice). If I speak to the girl and I say what I had planned to say, but I try to not make my voice heard to the people around, then I consider that as mission failed and then perhaps I rather had not done it at all. So holding my ground and not being ashamed for trying to practice what I'm practicing I find to be a key component to what I'm practicing.

 

So after a bit of meditating, my next plan was to walk up to a set and tell a girl or two girls that I found them pretty. Ordinarily, complimenting alone isn't really solid game, but for a challenge I found it to be quite appropiate. So I did that, and said to two girls without trying to hold back my voice that I found them pretty. It was funny, because there were also two guys in that set and I saw, or felt them shriek back a little bit. This was because I brought it rather direct and bold and I expressed it with a firm stance, giving it a minor shock value. I enjoyed the reaction, but immediately afterward I did say however that I was doing this to practice flirting, to put some of the pressure off, as I wasn't yet capable of being completely non-reactive and unwavering all throughout. I felt like that was the right decision to make anyway, to calibrate a little bit at that point and get some of the initial pressure off. The girls appreciated my attempts to go flirting, but also said that next time I should probably be a less direct. I didn't take much merit to that statement because I understood myself that this was only because I couldn't maintain the frame. I know that with enough practice, I will be able to say this with being completely unwavering

 

So I enjoyed those first couple of interactions with coming up with challenges on the go. After that last approach, however, I now felt the desire t ground and meditate even much more. I walked to the river and sat there and meditated. To my surprise, I felt that it invoked a large upsurge of energy going towards my third eye. So much energy I had never exprerienced before going to this chakra. I meditated for quite long, maybe for like 40 minutes or so. At some point two girls walked by who asked if I was alright. Yeah I was alright, just meditating. At the end of the meditation after having directed much energy towards the third eye, I felt that it was different now when I opened my eyes. Just a different sensation. It's a bit like... A bit like... after you've twirled around a lot and then you open your eyes and look, the whole image becomes dizzying. It was a bit similair to that, but without the unpleasant negative effects of the dizziness.

 

After that I walked back to the club area, not being sure whether I wanted to approach again or not. My plan was to practice more directness and to say to a girl in the club: "I think you're hot". This was different than my last challenge because this was a bit more bold terminology, and the way I wanted to say it wasn't polite either. But I didn't feel myself really wanting to do it, so I took my jacked and went to a park and meditated some more. By the way, it's not that I do these meditations so to speak as a method to make something happen, but I feel like I want to center and be a witness to what's going on inside. So it's really more an allowing things and sensations to happen instead of me doing an activity. Primarily, it's the becoming aware of resistance, because when the resistance is there, I cannot commit to the process. I want to always give more emphasis to on how I'm doing something than on what I'm doing. That's why I refused to go on machine gun spree with approaching when I started the approaches.

 

After a lot of meditating once again, I wanted to go to the club to practice what I had set out to do once more. But now I felt resistance towards the idea that I would express to a woman that I thought she was hot, whilst conceptually I didn't think she was hot. I say conceptually because it often happens that I see a girl I feel physically attracted to but through social conditioning I'm not "supposed" to find this girl attractive, because she does not fit with society's ideas of beauty. An example would be chubby girls. Physically, I find some chubby girls (not all) very attractive and they arouse me. But I wouldn't approach one because I'm too insecure about what other people think and what she would think about me approaching her, whilst she knows that she doesn't belong to the category of women that society regards as attractive. Would she even have enough self-worth to believe that a guy could be approaching her and genuinly be attracted to her? If I was completely disidentified with society's ideas of beauty, then I would just approach, flirt, and genuinly be attracted to girls that most people won't regard as pretty. Energy is an aspect I respond to so much better than the outer shell. If her energetical imprint is correct, then I would masturbate to a porn video of her with enjoyment, let's put it that way.

 

So I meditated once more to witness this resistance that was based on my insecurities of what other people would think if I approached 'less attractive' girls. Eventually, even though I was still feeling a lot of sexual desire, I decided that given the circumstances it was best to go home right now because it was already quite late and I was getting cold. I didn't feel ready to go into the club back, and I didn't want to keep outside sitting in the cold trying to meditate either, so I went home and decided that I would eat some and relax a little bit and then do some daygame at the train station in the very early morning in about 2 hours from then.

 

The plan with that daygame was to say: "Hey there, I think you're hot". However, there is a world of difference between saying this in the loose club environment adn saying this on a rather silent train station. With full vocal expression, remember. I wasn't. Mentally, I wasn't even too afraid of what other people would think of me, meaning I didn't judge myself for making such a bold move in such a low-energy environment, but energetically I was very afraid because the environment really wasn't suit for it. After like an hour of wanting and almost making some attempts but eventually not doing it I sat down on a bench and witnessed the anxiety that now had a good grip on me. I now in partcular found it very important to forget about the whole thing and really be a keen witness to what was going on in my mind. It's rather hard to not get distracted, but I managed not to do so and I found it a big accomplishment. I was satisfied with being able to watch both my approach anxiety and the compulsive quality of my mind that says that you should be approaching, or that says that you are a coward or whatever. But I simply witnessed and didn't take those judgements of my mind seriously.

 

After this, I decided that it was best to go home and abort this challenge for today, because I knew that if I would continue now I would feed to compulsory quality of my mind, even if I would do it.

 

Day 56 (Wednesday/Thursday November 15th - November 16th 2017)

 

Part 1:

 

I will now address an issue that lie very sensititive to most people, an issue that has a strong taboo about it. I however find it important to address it since I want to give complete transparency about myself, except for admitting something illegal I could have theorethically done since that may jeopardize my freedom.

 

It's regarding the subject of pedophilia, subjugation and raep (you actually can't spell the word correctly because it will get censored, but you get what I mean). I must admit I had fantasies about all of these things. Pedophilia not necessarily so much about children below the age of 8, but more about young girls age 8-14. And I have had plenty of raep fantasies either, to the point I've almost stopped regarding it as sinful. I however think it is quite unlikely that I will act upon either of these desires throughout the course of my life, meaning I don't think I will actually have sex a very underaged girl or raep anybody (as I define raep, it is the act of forcing yourself on somebody sexually without having any regard whatsoever as to how that person experiences it)

 

I've started to think about what the nature of these desires is... Where do they stem from? Is there a biological factor to these desires? And is raep and the attraction to young girls (or children) something that can only be regarded as inherently evil, or is there more to it? From my personal standpoint, I do not judge myself for having these desires, but I do not regard them as welcome either since I know that I will not be able to act them out or I could get in trouble, and I'm also wondering what it means for my personal moral standpoints. I know for sure that a good part of these dark sexual fantasies are rooted in the fact that there is a great taboo on them. This counts for me particularly for the desires for barely sexually mature females of age 8-14. I desire it a lot because it is a taboo, because you're "not supposed to". And the whole thing with a taboo is that that the taboo in itself actually makes it more interesting, as society stupidly enough hasn't learned yet. So the very desire for younger girls for me stems for the largest part from the fact that it's a taboo.

 

Moving on, I am for one certain that for the subject of raep for example, that for the dark aspect of male sexuality that desires raep and subjugation, there's probably an equal amount of dark female sexuality that wants to be raepd and subjugated —even if it's deep down on an unconscious level— since existence tends to balance itself out. I know I am making a very controversial standpoint here, but read on. Even though there may be this desire that many won't admit to either to themselves or others that they have this desire, that does not necessarily mean it is "healthy", just like it isn't healthy to be in an abusive relationship because it is the inheritance from the unconscious patterns of both partners. But I wonder if she, the "victim", would experience what we would call raep in the same way that I imagine I would experience it (assuming she has this dark female sexual desire to be raepd). So what I mean with this statement: Would she enjoy the act of me doing it —solely the act and not all the interpretations and memories afterwards— as pleasurable as I personally imagine it to be? Is the enjoyment mutual, even if on the surface level she may seem to resist it? Or perhaps the feelings are mixed, just like in an abusive relationship on the conscious level the woman may not enjoy getting hit, but on an unconscious level she desires it? If so, may we then regard raep and sexual subjugation to be in the same category as an abusive relationship, in which the partners deep down desire the abusiveness, but that it cannot be called healthy?

 

This I am all wondering. I wonder what the effect of the act on her would be would she not start thinking about the event afterwards... You hear a lot of stories about women being traumatized after being raepd, but at the same time there are also women who can't let it go and create a victim-story about the act for the rest of their entire lives. So I wonder... Is the act in itself traumatizing for women, taken away social conditioning? Or does it depend? Certainly you see these porn videos in which the women seem to love to be subjugated. What can we say about this? Has she accepted her dark feminine sexuality and therefore does not get traumatized by it? Does the trauma only linger because of social conditioning and her ego that is affected through the act? Because if a woman voluntarily gives herself up to go to a porn casting in which she will be enslaved, we certainly cannot say that the experience of raep and subjugation is always experienced as negative to the woman.

 

And what is raep? Is it merely the involuntary act of sex between two partners? As I know, just because she doesn't consciously agree to it doesn't mean her unconscious doesn't want it. If she goes into it having given herself and her partner permission to experience it, does it relinquish all trauma it could give afterwards? And when does "no" truly mean "no"? As I see it, the polarity between the masculine and the feminine causes her to be wanting to submit to a man that emenates a strong masculine frame, even if she puts up a lot of initial resistance. So when can you say that the act of sex between a man and a woman was because they had a strong polarity and therefore in was natural for a woman to submit to the man who simply pummeled through a lot her resistance by being assertive, as a part of the play between the masculine and the feminine, and when can it actually be called "raep"? Where do you draw the boundary line? But through all of this arguing that appears it that I am justifying the act of raep, there are counter-arguments to be made, though.

 

For one, I have noticed before already that the difference between fantasy and reality can be enormous, so this has to be take into account too. Also, I had rationalized before that through the act of me dominating her I would teach her the qualities of surrender, and thus doing her a favour. However, I have realized that it satisfies me much more to see her surrender if she surrenders to me, not to somebody else. I get more satisfaction out of the idea that I am that guy who has that power over her, because if I am in the same room with another guy who is dominating her but I can't get her to surrender to me, then it doesn't feel as good, according to my fantasies. I feel like my rationalization to say that I teach her the bliss of surrender is merely an excuse to keep engaging in sexually perverted fantasies. I feel like it's a bit like how women were regarded as before the 60's or something, in which there was a clearer polarity between the male and female sexuality, but it resulted in the limitations of the freedom of the woman. I feel like all those movements of female rights and freedom were good as a stage to go through to release the woman from her enslavement, but right now the goal is to rebalance the polarity between the masculine and the feminine again whilst regaining a reverence and respect for the feminine, as to not enslave her again and take her freedom away. She is to surrender and therefore take back her feminine polarity, but she is to surrender in love, not in fear. Surrendering in fear cannot really be called surrender at all.

 

So how can we conclude this? Can we say for instance that it is wise to engage in the (mutually voluntary) activities of BDSM for instance to expel the dark sexual parts of ourselves, that it would be a form of necessary catharsis to reach to love? Must we go through this game of power and subjugation to reach the other side? Or can these dark desires be expelled through meditation alone? What can one say about it? I think that meditation has the potential to transform any kind of dark, perverted or negative energy, but that does not mean catharsis can't be useful. But catharsis isn't always such a good idea, however. If you have murdurous feelings, that certainly means it isn't an idea to go an murder someone. I think meditation alone would be enough, but I don't think meditation alone is always necessary.

 

And what is my moral standpoint on raep? Honestly, I don't see it as "bad", so to say. But in that light, I don't see anything as bad. I always see that the negative, the painful, the dark, the suffering, contains in itself the seed for the positive to arise. So I view no event whatsoever in itself as bad, meaning I don't give a mental judgement about it. Then one could ask? "Well but if nothing is bad, then why does it matter what we do anyways?". What I view as sinful and virtuous is whether the act is taken from a conscious or unconscious standpoint. In that light, I view every act done consciously done as virtuous, and every act done unconsciously as sinful. Not as a judgement, but simply related to the evolution of Being. You can even go more deeply into it and argue that acts done unconsciously creates suffering that creates the evolutionary pressure to become conscious, and therefore once again there is no bad or good, also taken the fact that no unconcious fact can be done consciously. But then I argue that I simply submit to the feelings and thoughts I have that go in accordance to Leela: the divine play of existence. In other words: I simply play along with the game of existence, not knowing exactly why or what.

 

But lets now simply relate once again to our existential experiences, and not get too hung up in philosophies, shall we? So how should I take this standpoint from a level of consciousness? Then I feel that engaging in actual raep is —besides the dangerous implications it could have for you being punished by society— that it is also an excuse for you to avoid becoming conscious of your desires and meditating with them. Simply the fact that the implications of you actions already have the potential to put your behind bars, puts the emphasis on meditation. Even without the risk of punishment I still feel on some level prevented from doing it from a stance of compassion. Lets take raep as this definition: You make a woman submit to your sexual desires without considering her experience. Even if all the risks associated with it fall away and all the reasoning supports that I should do it, I still don't know if I would be able to, as far as in dragging a random woman of the street and making her meet my demands, at least. Perhaps this would differ from a woman I have been already talking to or that I already know. Then perhaps through our connection I have already established that she has the desire to be subjugated, but then it wouldn't be called raep according the the definition I have just made. In reality, raep is just really hard to define. Because if you have a really dominant male that through the power of his energy gets a woman to go home with him, then the woman can respond two ways. She can say either:

- I had a really good night with a guy that was able to break through my resistance and therefore expose my feminine longing to be guided and dominated by a masculine man

 

or:

 

- He kept persisting even though I had put up resistance multiple times. I felt powerless as to stop him. I consider this raep!

 

Perhaps we can define raep as sexual experiences aimed towards power and subjugation, but then the whole BDSM world would be an industry of raep. So perhaps then we would define it as sexual experiences aimed towards power and subjugation without permission. But what is permission? If you are a dominant alpha-male and you say to a woman with an authorative voice and body posture: "Come home with me", then who is to judge that if the female then follows if she follows because she isn't energetically strong enough to resist, or that she actually wants to come home with him? If we are going to judge whether the female actually agrees with it without having verbally uttered that she agrees to go along, then it will make it a very complicated matter. Especially if you add another layer to it where you can wonder that even if she consciously didn't want it, that she did still want it unconsciously. You get me?

 

So as I view it, there is no accurate one-sided definition of raep. If there would be one it would probably one that puts it like this: "The act of forcefully penetrating a woman without taking her experience into account". But then raep can only be recognized by the perpetrating subject: the horny male. Then society cannot decide whether or not a woman was raepd, since the male may have recognized her (un)conscious desire to be subjugated, and therefore felt like it was okay to continue the sexual act. And neither can the woman then define raep, since she may not have been aware that she wanted it, and of his awareness that he knew that she wanted it. Of course, she can also purposefully lie that she didn't want it.

 

However, I feel like I can get a better idea of what the difference is between sexual experiences that are relatively more acceptable and which are relatively less acceptable by getting experiences in the field. I have as of now still no actual existential experience of what I have written down. I must get some experiences, but that will not mean I will right away start exploring the boundaries of where I consider raep could begin.

 

Most importantly, however, I want to move to love as soon as possible. I do not know whether I will be able to move to love through acting out lust and sexual domination or before it. But love to me is the modality I want to be moving to, not lust and domination. In lust and desire there is still a lot of risk of you acting... impurely. Whereas in love there is no risk of this at all. Osho has said that you have to move through lust to reach to love. I do however not know if that means that you have to move through the actual act of lust or if meditating on the feelings of lust is enough unto itself. Will you need to get outer experiences of it is an inner transformation alone enough unto itself? I wonder. And then again: there is no reason that the inner and outer experiences would not be able to be combined.

 

Part 2:

 

few other things which I'm going to mention which funnily enough won't take up a whole lot of space, as I mention them as in a summary

 

- I notice that relatively intense desires come up sometimes, perhaps during a new moon in particular. I'm trying to see if there's a connection between the phases of the moon and my feelings and thoughts. During a new moon, as it has felt so far, I seem to be a bit more down, relatively speaking, and I seem to be operating from lower consciousness. I wonder how this affects how I'm going to game/ Do I only intend to go out gaming when I feel this desire? Does this mean I would only game a few days a month, and for the rest forget about it?

- I also decided to procrastinate with the idea of becoming an RSD volunteer. First I want to be a bit more centered and developed. Both in game and in my personal development in general. I also told my mother what I wanted to do and she doesn't really like it either that I would act on it so soon, understandably.

- Decided to not go with the RSD internship already and helped my mother out and said I was willing to continue on the traject that we were already on.

 

Day 57 (Thursday/Friday November 16th - November 17th 2017)

 

will add more later

same summarization notation:

 

- Don't remember much significant except that in meditation I noticed that I could be aware of this tendency to fantasize about sexual experiences, and this eagerness to stay aware with it caused me to feel a strange kind of sensuality in my body not based on fantasies.

Day 58 - Day 61 (Friday - Tuesday November 17th - November 21st 2017)

I haven't written a lot because I haven't felt like there was a whole lot I was excited to report on. I know I can always write a few paragraphs about every day if I really tried to, but I am not going to force myself to.

 

To summarize what happened during the last couple of days: I have been being lazy as usual but I have been meditating a lot, up until yesterday. I seemed to have increasing sensations of rising energy whenever I would close my eyes and look inward and upward. This has gotten so much that I experienced certain convulsions through it. I wasn't alarmed about it, because I knew I could stop it at any moment if I wanted to. Howver, these practices seem to tire me quite a bit. I don't really like them as much anymore. When it started happening some time back that there would be a strong energy surge whenever I turned my eyes inward and upward, I still felt good about it, because I felt like something was happening. Now... It'sjust starting to get annoying, really. I find it a bit tiring, so I stopped doing it. I am still meditating, but I don't turn my eyes upward anymore, which seem to make a lot of difference. I just now meditate regularly.

 

I also went out last saturday. There in the club I noticed that there certainly still is for me the potential to become flirtatious with women, it's just not coming loose yet. I find it frustrating that I truly within me feel like I have this potential if it weren't for the resistance patterns and the energetical blockages. If it weren't for those, I could freely associate. But I know I must be patient. It will probably take a few months still before I've evolved enough that I start to get results with women. I also wonder how I am going to progress exactly in this field. Is meditation alone enough for now? I do want to practice, but I don't seem to find an appropiate angle of attack, so to say. I can think of nothing that I could do that excites me. I do want to practice though, but it seems I will probably have to wait a little bit before the right thing to do occurs to me, or perhaps one day I'll wake up and the exercises I had already thought of suddenly appear interesting to me.

 

I'm really trying to see what I can best do with my sexual energy. I was glad of the experience a couple of days back where I could observe my tendencies for fantasies. But it's very hard to be the observer of it and not be carried away with it, because those fantasies are quite pleasurable. Still I know that I do not want the sexuality just to be contained in my head, because if that happens I lose grip of myself. I like my sexual energy to be healthy and really I'd like the energy only to be sexually aroused if there's a corresponding women there to be aroused for, or perhaps if I just lay down in bed or wake up and I just randomly horny, as I more often feel. Then I'd say it's okay to masturbate, but I still don't want to ejaculate.I shouldn't be hard in judging myself. Either way I don't really like myself getting aroused by fantasies, because I feel that the fantasies create a backlash of not only a strong urge to ejaculate and thus you becoming unconscious, but I also feel like it provides a backlash in that it creates craving, even after the masturbating is done with.

This afternoon when I woke up I felt quite horny, and had a strong tendency to create fantasies. I tried not to ejaculate, but I didn't really manage to do it anyway. Or in better words: I past the point of no return, but I still managed to contain at least some energy by doing the finger lock method described in sexual taoist exercises, which is basically putting your finger on your semen tube, or whatever they call it.

 

I figured out that I wasn't doing the exercise like it was supposed to be done. Until now I had almost always tried to find pleasure by going close to the point of no return, which very often made me go past it. It wasn't supposed to be done like that. Instead, the idea was that you stop 30 seconds or a good minute before you otherwise ejaculate, and then draw the energy upward and meditate with it, and that you do that a few times. I'll try that next time.

 

I must be careful not to be to hard on myself, though. I was angry at myself after I passed the point of no return when I woke up this afternoon. At such a point, I find it important to see every event as an oppurtunity to learn from, and thus I meditated with the anger. But perhaps I cannot prevent fantasies from occuring just yet, and perhaps not even ejaculation. Even though I'm quite eager to learn this exercise correctly, since I've read that the same energy can be used to reach the superconscious, and if you lose the energy by ejaculating then you can't use it to reach the superconscious either. That's just some theory, I know. There's probably a lot more to it, but I still really want to try. I must also realize that it takes a lot of practice and skill, and that perhaps my psychological and physiological profile isn't yet properly set up to do these exercises correctly or maybe I'm not even supposed to try them just yet. I don't know.

 

As far as my other goals and ambitions is concerned... The work orientation program I would've been enrolled in seems to be two weeks later than expected. Not sure what's happening there. I'm fearing a little bit that I wouldn't have the strength in myself to continue doing it. But perhaps this is more an attitude issue than there would be actually something inherently wrong with me which would prevent me from doing it. It's the same as the Tao training I've started, really. I also felt a lot of resistance doing that but I had set my mind to doing it and sticking it out no matter what because I wanted to learn to bring up dedication and learn to surrender to what I was being told. I wanted to drop the doubt just by dedicating myself to something even if I didn't know if it was appropiate to me or not. So being dedicated to something itself was the exercise, despiute what my personal feelings about it were. That's the same I want to do right now. I may not know whether it's the 'right' thing to do or not, but I will try to adapt my attitude as such that I will make it the right thing, instead of it being the right thing. So if I start the program and I feel hesitation and doubt a lot all of the sudden, I need to look myself in the mirror and tell myself why I'm doing it, which would be because I want to learn to surrender to something and drop my mind and my doubts. I'm also offering once again to do some chores in the house to practice a little bit for that working mindset again. There's a fear however that I wouldn't be able to maintain this mindset. There's a fear that I wouldn't be able to do it which raises feelings of self-doubt and self-judgement. Don't judge before you've truly experiences it yet, though.

 

I think this program should start next week Tuesday...

 

Last thing. I've been thinking a little bit about meaning again. Sitting at home a lot doing not much at all, as I've done the last two weeks, has reintroduced this feeling of purposelessness again. I know however that this feeling is entirely subjective, and that somebody may have thousands of things going on in his life and still may have this feeling. The opposite can also be the case. So I know that this feeling isn't entirely trustworthy. I still don't want to completely disregard it, however. Or better put: I want to allow myself to become a little more active if this feeling gives me the desire to become a little bit more active and ambitious, knowing perfectly well that there's no single thing in the outer world that would be able to fulfill me don't I have my inner demons addressed.

 

Day 62 and 63 (Tuesday - Thursday November 21th - November 23rd 2017)

 

I may as well write my entry as my driver instructor is absent looking for the keys of his car (lol)

 

Tried to go out last night see what I would encounter. I tried not to make any judgements about how I felt or thought before I entered the club. In other words, I didn't want to let any preconcieved suggestion ruin my attempt, and I would only see how I would feel about it and what I would do was I to be actually at the club area. As it turned out, I just didn't have it in me and I just didn't fele like approaching. Fair enough, I just wanted to give it a little try to see what feelings and sensations would come up. It's still an experience and there are still lessons to be learned even if you don't want to do anything. So I don't regret going.

 

Been thinking about the ego and how it obstructs me from connecting. Not only connecting with girls, but with existence in general. I've come to the point where I can't really enjoy my ego as much anymore. It just tires me now, to be honest. It keeps me disconnected and I think this is the root cause that I haven't been succesful with girls yet. I'm way too much ego-centered, way too much self-concerned.

 

So I made a little prayer last night in which I uttered my desire to be connected with the whole again; that I don't want to be a part anymore, but that I want to be part of the whole again, or perhaps THE whole again. That I am able to receive and give love. It's tiring to be this lonely ego. I don't want to be that anymore.

 

Slept a little in the morning, before I had an appointment for my work orientation program. There was a girl who seemed pretty cute and seemed to respond with interest to me. IN the beginning I wasn't thinking too much about it, but then thoughts settled in and suddenly the diea that I needed to do something. I gave a sort of half-assed wink at our saying goodbye. I noticed that I couldn't really appreciate my efforts there. My attempt to achieve something here ruined (for me) the initial free-flowing conversation we had. It's important to learn from this to keep remembering that my goal is to be present and give and not to take and only be concerned about my personal goals. Sometimes it's better to not have attempted anything at all instead of doing somethign but being awkward and weird about it because you're forcing it and you're stuck in your mind.

 

Gotta live up to what I said in my prayers. I can only receive love until I'm able to give it. First I need to get rid of this ego, of this entity that wants to be seperated and fragmented. So focus on connection and sharing, that is. Don't expect or even attempt to get love until you're able to give it.

 

Day 64 (Thursday - Friday November 23rd - November 24th 2017)

 

Some quick notes before I head to bed.

 

I notice that, even though I had said yesterday that I wanted to be done with the ego, that it easily returns again from the back door.

 

But it's not even that it persists... Of course, long-standing habits persist, I expected that. But it's that I actually start to like some fantasies of the ego again, without me wanting to be aware of that it will

cause me pain eventually.

 

Intellectually, I know very well that every desire and every ambition in the end primarily just brings pain. But can I say that now I've realized this that I can completely detach myself from my ambitions to becoming a good PUA and a influencial teacher? That I can still be ambitious and yet not have ego attahced to it? I'd probably have to say no. I'm not really sure how it's going to play out, though. The conflicting thing is that if I'm very rooted in my ego I'm simply bad at game or not even willing to do it, so how would I make progress if I'm ambitious then? Since ambition for me means ego. How I reckon it would be is that I will have moments where my ego will leave me at times throughout the years and at those times I'm able to relate to people. I really can't tell yet if I'm able to be good with women if I'm actually in what I would call an "egotistical state". I know for sure it's at least a lot easier if you're open, sharing and loving to relate to people and women, but I wonder if the desire to even approach women in such a state is still there...

 

I'm pretty sure I will make progress one way or the other, though. The desire to become good with women seems to run so deep that I can't imagine myself turning away from game. I certainly do have moments where I don't seem to care much at all for women, but that carelessness is not persistent throughout the longer term.

 

As far as ego is concerned... I feel like I do have to admit that I don't think that I will be able to... get rid of most of my ego anytime soon. But I think there will be times where either the desire is so strong that I get myself to do it, or that I'm so carefree that I find myself spontaneously approaching women. It's funny how this sensation of sometimes almost mad desire alternates with feeling totally carefree a couple weeks later.

 

I just wonder how it works for guys like the RSD instructors. Have they mostly eroded away their egos, or have their egos become so subtle that it doesn't emanate in their interactions anymore... Or do they just manage to pull it off anyways? This of course differs for every instructor a little bit, but I'm just wondering how it works. I'm just wondering why for me personally I notice that I've there's a lot of ego in me that I'm simply not able to execute, since it comes with a lot of resistance. At least in so far. I wonder how it's going to work out for me... Am I going to be able to become succesful with women in an egotistical state, or will I only have successes (at least as far as my own side of the conversation is concerned) once I'm in a state where I'm able to share and give love? How will it turn out? I have no idea. I know that it's very possible to have a big ego and still be succesful with women, or to be very selfish and be good at game... I'm looking at assholes for example. Will I ever be an asshole, or some sort of variation of it and be succesful with the ladies? I hope not at least... But I don't know. I can only wait and see how my path is going to turn out. Who knows it's possible that I do turn away from the idea of PUA altogether and only have intimate contact with women through social circles and stuff... I don't know. I just hope I can manage to relate from my heart more often.

 

Life's a mystery.

 

Day 65 and 66 (Friday - Sunday November 24th - November 26th 2017)

 

A whole lot of concerns about sex and sexuality once again. Let's recall...

 

Even though there's still a big wish for me to get good at game, I simply notice that if I come from the frame from taking or doing somethign primarily for my personal gain, I notice that I can simply not surrender to the process. There's a certain heavy energy blocking it which prevents me from acting. of course, I could force, but past experiences have told me that's not a good idea. It could also be that I misinterpret it and that it's simply some resistance that needs to be eroded away, and once that's done I can go out gaming even if I do it primarily for my personal gain. Doubt it, though. Maybe.

 

But so I have neither gone out on Friday or Saturday. I did have long masturbation sessions in which I indulged in fantasies, but not in porn. I fantasized in my mind. I liked the way that I could go on for a while like that and still not feel tempted to ejaculate. And so I didn't do that on neither occasions during masturbating in the past few days. I noticed that my fantasies were this time less tempted to be about force and domination, and more about love and shared joy. I found that to be a good sign.

 

I made a wish to god. Not a wish out of crazy despair or anything like that, but a wish nevertheless. The wish was as such: That I could have a sensual sexual experience with this girl L that lives two houses away, which I had talked about on a previous entry in my journal. I regarded the wish as an intentional cheat meal, so to speak. Normally I don't ask God or existence for anything, because I trust in God that he provides me with the experiences I need to have. But this time I playfully asked him if he could grant me this wish, not marking it within any specific timespan, and not demanding it from him, but just asking. I felt like it was okay because I just kept it light-hearted and playful, as I regard it at least.

 

Then another thing. Just about an hour ago I felt once again quite sexual. At first I meditated on the sensations in my body. It was this kind of feeling that could result in the feeling of lack and painful craving if I wasn't going to be conscious about it, so initially I allowed myself to be aware of it. Then I felt enough arousal to masturbate once again, but as I started doing that I desired to use the blow-up sex doll that I had, because I felt like thrusting. I had initially some doubts about it whether I should do that or not, because it destroys the momentum and therefore dispels the horniness temporarily. But I blew it up and instead of forcing myself to feel sexual again, as I had done in the past, I know just waited for the sexual energy to return again. That took about 10 minutes and then I could masturbate again and get a firm enough erection to use the doll. I must say... Using a doll, at least in this particular occasion, is SOO much more relieving when you ejaculate than just ordinary masturbation. Yers, I had decided to ejaculate. It was as such that the temptation was so big and the sensation so different that I knew I had to allow myself to. Such an orgasm based on thrusting is so much more satisfying. I don't know exactly why that difference is there, but it felt like my penis had all its tensions sucked out after I ejaculated. I like it a lot. This is the kind of ejaculation I will allow myself to have, and I will continue to experiment with the doll to see what for effects this will have on me. I have used the doll before, and I have been aware that the orgasm is different, but I had not continued to use it regularly because I made the mistake of immediately trying to force my sexual energy to return by starting to thrust the doll after blowing it up, meaning that the sexual energy and arousal isn't really there yet. Additionally to that, if I remember correctly it was also as such that after you ejaculated in it a few times the sensation wasn't as relieving anymore. But perhaps that was just because I was forcing the sexual energy.

 

I wonder though... It took perhaps less than a minute between when I started to thrust in the doll and when I actually ejaculated. Would that in actual sex mean that I would prematurely ejaculate? I don't know. I feel like if I keep on using the doll more often the sexual energy will be less intense. I feel like I needed this particular experience to relieve some long-held tensions. If I do this more often this desire to ejaculate in it really will probably lessen, and I will be able to last longer. I did quite feel that in this particular case it was simply useless to try and prolong the session. The sexual energy was just as such that it required instant relief.

 

I will keep on experimenting with this doll and just see what happens.

 

Day 67 and 68 (Sunday - Tuesday November 26th - November 28th 2017)

 

My feelings of sexual desire seem to have gone now, or at least the intense phases of it. It got me thinking though... Will I ever be able to reach a state of nonattachment from sex without ever actually gone into sex, that is, sexual experiences with girls. Because I've said this before but I'll say it again: If i'm attached to my sexual desires I can't go into game carelessly. If I am carefree I also tend to be less sexually motivated to actually go out and approach girls, which seems to be to pertruding paradox for me right now. If I am able to be totally carefree about sex but also having lost all my desire for it, that's fine. I would be totally cool with becoming a spontaneous celibate, as long as I'm happy in it. I know very clearly that just sex isn't going to fix my deeper issues, and that therefore sexual experiences alone are something that can not have any high priority. I just wonder if I can reach a state where I'm not attached to the idea of having sex, but still desiring it. If you don't know what the difference between attachment and desire is: Desire is just that you want to do something, that you like to do something, whereas attachment is the feeling that you need to do it, or that you otherwise won't be able to be peaceful or happy. That does not mean that you can't logically know that attachment is harmful and unnecessary. Just because you intellectually know that attachment is unnecessary, doesn't mean you won't experience it. It has to become a realization in you; the realization has to grow roots in you before you can actually detach yourself.

 

So that's what I'm hoping that I will be achieving. Not that I will ascend sexuality any time soon, but that I can detach myself from it enough that it becomes a clear realization within me that I don't need sex in order to feel fulfilled, happy or peaceful as a default emotional state. If that happens, if this realization truly grows roots, then I am free. If i'm still attached to sex, then I am not free. Then I need a woman in my life in order to fulfill me. Even though you can learn it and make sure that that happens, it's still a certain bondage because you still need her. Maybe not her specifically, but you need a her, you need a woman, even if they're interchangable.

 

This is what I want to achieve. I'm not renouncing sex, I'm not going to quit game, but I want to reach the state where I can be happy and peaceful were I never to get sex again in my entire life. Once I reach this state I —paradoxically— expect that then my results will explode. Because now it has become a celebration instead of a need. Now I can offer her something instead of her needing to offer me something. I feel like it works like this for me. Only when I can become rooted enough in my watching consciousness, where I don't identify with my sexual feelings anymore, is the point where I expect that I can truly be carefree and therefore spontaneous and relaxed in game and thereby consequently I will become really good at game.

 

But this is going to be very hard to do so, since sexuality is so deeply rooted within us. I will of course masturbate and even ejaculate whenever I feel I must, but I do feel like it's possible do not NEED sex or intimacy with a woman in order to feel happy and fulfilled. Because if I do get sex and intimacy, simply other problems will arise. Then I will become attached to her and needy, then I will be begging her to come back and then shit will once start going to go downhill. Even if I were to get an actual rotation going with an abundant amount of girls I'm convinced that there will still be ways to fuck it up. Then simply the realization that I'm still relying on girls as such to be there would be enough to make me act weird against them.

 

Anyways, let's get onto the next topic.

 

I'm having these feelings of anger and irritation I'm noticing. I noticed yesterday that during vacuum cleaning when two pieces of the vacuum cleaner broke loose and a part hit my face, I screamed really loudly not in pain but in anger and frustration. I was aware that such a reaction was not necessary at all, but still that reaction was there. I became aware of what I then called irritation that lingered inside of me.

 

Today this irritability continued. I noticed that when my mother came to me at my bedside saying something to me in a lovingly manner, I noticed that I was quite irritated at her presence and really just wanted her to leave as soon as possible. But I only came aware that this sensation I was feeling wasn't only irritability but it was also anger. I imagined that I would like to scream and hit something, and that imagination seemed satisfying. Meditating on it also doesn't seem to work anymore. Unfortunately, I can't really scream full force since it's not the time of the day to visit one of my places that would otherwise be abandoned in the middle of the night or in the dark. And the once place I do know of where I can get some privacy and scream even in the middle of the day is quite far away. I would go there if I had a driver's license with a car I could use, but I don't.

 

Later edit

 

I had decided to take a stick that we still had in the basement and bring a plastic box along with it, so I could smash that box. Smashing something seemed like a good way to vent off some aggression. Screaming alone seems so awkward to do, something that's very difficult to surrender to. So I went with my bike to a somewhat remote place and I got my box and my stick and I started smashing that box. Unfortunately, that box broke into many pieces. What I had actually expected was that it was one of the boxes what would bend more under these hits than it would break. But it broke, so I couldn't really use it for that long. So another idea occured to me to just smash surrounding trees with this stick, but I was concerned that the stick could break. So I decided instead to just smash surrounding branches that laid around on the trees. I liked that. I screamed with it too, because if you don't scream the act is missing something. I noticed however that after I was done there was still this momentum in my mind that wanted to continue, but my body didn't want it anymore. It became a bit compulsory now. So I meditated a bit on this sensation. At the moment it was time to leave, I still felt this lingering feeling that not everything was expressed, that there was still something left behind, but it didn't feel like it would be anger. So what could I do? I just went home and accepted the fact that there was still this displeasurable feeling. But as I went home I started thinking that... Perhaps I can just let this feeling be and do nothing at all about it. I felt tired of always having to do something, of always having something to process, of always feeling this discontent.... I was just tired of it and I didn't want to be bothered by it anymore. I felt tired of always feeling like I had to meditate... done with it.

 

So as I got home I just let go and enjoyed myself first with some food and then with some twitch. And on a livestream I listened to a song which I found very beautiful. Now I have that song in my head and with it I feel a certain lightness, a softness, a beautitude return. Ah... those experiences is what makes life worth. This beauty, it's just so... serene. So beautiful. So peaceful. Sometimes just sheer awe. It shows the incredible depth of existence, the incredible vastness and bliss of it. You can't really give real credit to it through words alone. I wonder if now the energy goes back again to the heart for the next full moon. I wonder, but I don't know. Can't really get too attached to the wanting of the energy rising back to my heart.

 

But what I do notice that when the energy is in my heart, is that I don't feel like writing anymore. Why? Well I've already said it; Because the energy is in my heart and not my mind. I can write a lot if the energy is in my mind. If the energy is in my mind, there are a lot of thoughts and ideas which I then want to express. If the energy is in my heart, then what to say? There are so many beautiful experiences, but putting them in words just seems to devalue them, seems like a sort of sacreligion. How can one put such experiences into words? the frequency of the mind and the frequency of the heart are very different, so putting those experiences into words (as I'm still centered in the heart) simply has an energetical mismatch. That's why I can't really do it then. I can write about it afterwards, though.

 

But I must say that I am thankful for the past two weeks of moderate suffering, because I see it as in integral part of the process of growth. I cannot guarantee that my energy is now returning to the heart again for the next full moon, but I sure hope so. I know that I'm too attached to it, though. Guess I can't really help that right now.

 

Day 69 (Wednesday November 29th 2017)

 

First off, I'd like to say that from now an entry is not shared anymore between two days. This is because my sleeping schedule is as such that I wake up around 12 PM midnight. So funnily enough, when I say "day 69" I actually have had 70 days from the day I've started (well technically day 69 would otherwise be 68 actual 24-hour days from day 1, so now it's 69, but I just said that so the example could be understood better)

 

So today, not necessarily the joy I was hoping for had occured. Yesterday in the afternoon when I laid in bed I was troubled by this compulsive tendency to knack my fingers and toes. It troubled me. I know however that it really just comes down to the same basic attitude as to when I felt very troubled by the way my hair went for my eyes and stuff. Just decide to adjust it or not, and then let it go. Not about what, but about how.

 

Now this day, once again I wake up with no plan or no thing to do, and I start to get a bit bored of it. I know it's just a week until I actually start working, so that makes it a bit easier.

 

So what I decided to do today is to play runescape once again a little bit. I haven't felt like playing it for 2 months, but today I did. I played for like 2-3 hours. There is a lot of guilt associated with video gaming, because I used to be very addicted to and I could feel myself getting deprived from it. It feels as if I would be regressing, sliding back to destructive habits. That's the fear. But the reality is that... If I were to say to myself that I couldn't play but I was actually desiring to do it, then I would start fighting with myself. And fair enough, I did actually enjoy playing it this time. It is not a bad thing in itself, it's only dangerous if you start doing it too mych. But the association is as such that it's very easy for me to start feeling guilty about it. Then I would start thinking about intentionally playing it a lot to combat that guilt, but that doesn't help because that's once again just another reaction. What I rather stick to right now, is that I play it maybe like 2-3 hours every day, and then quit it for the rest of the day. Not like 10 hours per day like I used to do. As long as I enjoy it. But maybe... I'm thinking maybe I can play just as much as I like until it doesn't feel pleasurable anymore (or that in the future perhaps it would take up too much time of the day), but then I'd just be aware of that

 

And I also don't want to start thining in terms of regression. What's a better term to describe it... I'd say experimentation. I'm always experimenting, always seeing how things are working out for me, seeing what's the right balance for me. It's so scary to go back to old habits, because you associate the old with dysfunctional because it brought you suffering. But it only really brought you suffering because you didn't take a balanced approach towards it. I need to take a balanced and mindful approach towards it, then it's perfectly alright.

 

It's so incredibly hard to get rid of all the "shoulds". It's really so incredibly difficult. Because even saying that you should get rid of the shoulds becomes another should. It's only when you forget about it altogether that you can truly let go of it. But if inevitably not needing to do anything becomes another should, then the best option is to take the should with the least inner resistance, until I can let go of it altogether.

 

Later edit:

 

Once again I felt tempted to play this video game again. I played it for about 1-2 hours. What I noticed however, now much more clearly than the previous time, was that it simply made me very dull. That's what I noticed: dullness'a very blunt awareness. So I took a walk and pondered over this situation. I came to the conclusion that this temptation to douse myself into these kind of activites was the result of feeling like I once again was losing a direction and drive for something in my life. At first when I started being lazy after my trip to Amsterdam, there was still a lot of meditativeness and I was content with my passivity. But as time goes on, you tend to become more and more dull and more and more bored, which causes you to revert to things like video games. Now I'm not saying video games are inherently bad, but I do feel like there's often something to it that seems to deprive me a little bit. I suppose it all depends on the way it is used, and for how long.

 

So I took a walk after I was done with another video gaming session (runescaping), to think about the situation. The reason I had started to feel dull was because I had nothing going on in my life. I mean, there was indeed this RSD internship thing I still wanted to do in the future, but it was not something I was currently involved in. And because this whole work orientation project had not started yet, there was simply not really something to drive me forward. Automatically, I start to regress a little bit into distracting activities because just laying down or attempting to meditate or whatever becomes boring after a certain time. That's honestly not even a thing I judge as bad in itself, but it isn't wishful if I notice that it actually starts to make me feel dull.

 

So I decided I needed something to kindle the spark once again, something that kept me motivated and driving forward. That's why I decided to write and send my RSD internship application that same afternoon. I haven't send it yet, but I'm about to after making a couple of adjustments. I wonder what they are going to tell me. I hope they won't say that they want me to start working the very next day, since this will be quite inappropiate with the current operations I have running. Not to mention that I really don't have any cash to be able to afford it. But I'm willing to take the risk to do this right now, and if they called me and said that it was vital that I started the next day and they were convinced, then I would, provided it's actually practically possible.

 

Another short thing that isn't very important but simply came to my attention: When I was sitting on a bench there during my walk, overlooking the environment, a woman that was walking on a path with a man said hello to me whilst we hadn't made eye contact at all or she hadn't even appeared in my straightforward field of view. But she said hi without us having made eye contact, and naturally I turned and said hello back. It made me realize more clearly that it's natural for you to interrupt people if you're just direct about it, and it will appear as natural. So is this my big revelation? I now it's nothign too impressive, but I wanted to mention it, still.

 

Now for another thing. In the evening during dinner with my parents, I noticed that these feelings of anger and animosity towards my mother started to reappear. Not even for any particular reason at all, but I just felt it. I suppose this has to do with the fact that I'm regressing a little bit which makes me a bit more vulnerable to these kind of sensation. After dinner, I laid down in bed and meditated on this anger. The anger stems from not feeling listened to or understood. It's frustrating when she turns away or refuses to listen at all when I try to explain myself, and only hearing accusations from her side but never taking responsibility for her own shortcomings. However, I find it important to notice where I am the one at fault. Certainly I can say that I am at the right end if all this anger is there and this argumentativeness. It's not even that I would necessarily be logically at the wrong end, but I am energetically. This is the power of women: They may perhaps almost never win an argument with you through debate, but simply the act of turning away, turning deaf or acting in any other way illogical, already makes you feel defeated, no matter the quality of your arguments. I am very sharp in my argumentation, but that doesn't matter if the person I am talking to isn't willing to listen.

 

So I always want to look at myself first. Where am I wrong? Where am I at fault. And I don't even mean logically, but I mean energetically too. If I am willing to argue and willing to be listened to and understood and I become angry if that doesn't happen, that means that I am flawed too. So I thought about what  the best thing is the next time she becomes so accusational. And the answer is: simply don't become argumentative. She may ask you for an answer but that is really an excuse to accuse you for something. She is not truly interested in the answer, because whenever I give an answer she doesn't like she immediately rejects it, even if it is logically on point.; It really gets to me when she asks something or accuses me of something and then she doesn't give me a chance to explain myself. As if what she says is correct and that there would be no discussion about it.

 

But if I get angry about it I consider it as my own mistake. So the next time she starts becoming accusational, stop trying to argue with her. Simply say: "okay", or if she asks "now aht do you have to say for yourself" I simply say: "it is as it is", end then I stop discussing. It's not logical to give such answers, but it stops fueling the drama, which is ultimately the goal. I should only answer if she is truly ready to listen. Or if I answer because she asks a specific question, but she isn't truly ready to listen, then I give no merit whatsoever to the way she responds to me when she objects and accuses again. Then I completely let go whenever she turns inimical towards me again. Give no energy whatsoever to her rejecting my answer. I can not fuel the negative energy. I consider this my responsibility, because 99% of the earth's population is simply living in reaction. I can not expect other people to be behaving in a conscious manner always, so I need to take that responsibility first and foremost, and always look at myself first instead of the other. I need to be the one that stops the cycle, where the negativity ends, where the negativity gets absorbed and transformed into compassion and understanding. If I get angry at someone or something, then even if it's completely justified logically, I still consider myself being responsible because I am the one in which the anger resides.

 

Day 70 (Thursday November 30th 2017)

 

Interesting once again how I experienced these convulsions when I really deeply went into the feeling of this compulsory tendency to knack my fingers. Great energy took me over and a lot of convulsions happened as a result of it. I'm not worried about it, but I am curious about it.

 

Today I also wondered if I really did want to go and volunteer at RSD. I have not yet sent the application yet. I had my firsts doubts as to whether this was the right path for me to take. Whilst I'm really interested in the self-development aspect of RSD, I'm not sure if I'm actually meant to become a teacher of game, as game currently doesn't seem to fit me that well right now. This day I didn't feel excited thinking about me having to game, and so I wondered if this was something that I actually wanted to keep pursuing. I thought that maybe I wanted to become like a teacher of philosophy at a university, but I didn't see what exact steps I could take to become that. I also thought about going back to the university to go back to studying becoming a philosophy teacher, which would be at a high school. I could do that, but another year won't start till September or something, so that's certainly not something I could be doing something for right now. Perhaps, I thought, I could keep on writing my book that I had started but only written two pages of. I haven't made up my mind yet.

 

In the early evening two friends of my brother came over to interview me about my brother because he was giving a party in a few days and they wanted to interview his friends and family to make a video compilation of things they had to say about him. I noticed that I was still sort of in the middle of processing a couple of resistance patterns, that I felt like I had to meditate, but I couldn't let them wait of course so I had to do my interview whilst I was still distracted by it. In the end, I managed to actually just forget about those things that had occupied me previously, and I managed to conduct the interview quite well. But it got me thinking: I can't always meditate whenever I want to. Sometimes the situation is simply not suited for it. There are going to be times when certain feelings and patterns come up in my mind, but that the environment would be as such that I have no time to meditate on it. At least not more than like taking a deep breath. I must learn to deal with those situations appropiately, and be able to forget about certain things and save them for later meditation. I must learn to rekindle my focus because I can't always meditate everywhere. Sometimes the situation simply doesn't yield to it. And "needing to meditate" is yet again another bondage. I am not free if the need to meditate at involuntary times is compulsory. I want to learn this freedom where I can choose not to meditate on somethign and forget about it for the moment even if there are a lot of sensations arising in me.

 

The last thing I've thought about is this situation with me and video games. I've thought about it, and I concluded that there is nothing bad with video gaming in itself. It simply must be understood as to why I want to revert to video games, not trying to oppose it. The reason why is because I have a limited amount of distractions and I want something to keep me occupied. The fact is as such that after feeling a bit more pleasurable whilst playing video games, I will feel a little bit worse after. But that can simply be seen as the natural tendency of existence to balance itself out. After you've felt good for a bit, you will naturally feel a bit worse afterwards. I know that if I start opposing this desire and fighting with it, I will only increase its importance in my mind.

 

So nothing wrong with me playing Runescape. Just understand why it's there. It's because I have not too much else that keeps me occupied, which is why I want a proper distraction. The only thing I can truly prioritize is being aware of what I'm doing. If i'm simply conscious, nothing can go truly wrong. So no need to feel guilty. In fact, guilt is the only thing that is actually a problem here. So by me playing Runescape I am also making it a practice to address the guilt. Though I don't want to react against the guilt by intentionally playing more than I should. That would be another reaction and then I would lose my consciousness.

 

Oh, and by the way, I seem to notice that this feeling of dullness after playing video games doesn't always seem to happen. I do usually feel a bit worse, but not always with lessened awareness.

 

Day 71 (Friday December 1st 2017)

 

Went to the library today,where I read Osho's autobiography, or at least it's called that way. I enjoyed the book, but I noticed that along the way certain compulsions to knack my fingers or swallow salive or whatever started to distract me. I decided to meditate on it right there in the library, which was a bit awkward since I was sitting with legs crossed, but not as awkward as it could have been because from where I was sitting only the person directly in front of me could see me, but she had her back towards me. It was an interesting experience there because I went deeper into it than I had been before. At some point I decided to do more and went to the toilet to allow myself to give physical expression towards it too, which ended up in another set of convulsions. Going back home, I relinquished the need to be so very aware for today and didn't try as much anymore.

 

In the evening I would go to a lecture of a taoist teacher. Even though I was still feeling the need to meditate a little, I realized I could use this oppurtunity as practice for not always needing to meditate, and also being okay with directing my attention instead of having to go inwards. I didn't want to be a slave towards the neccesity of meditation. So during the lecture, this was my main practice. I only meditated during the break on the toilet, which I felt helped quite a bit

 

Day 72 (Saturday December 2nd 2017)

 

Today I indulged. Had not much desire for meditation as such, so for the first time I allowed myself to go video gaming a lot. It was broken apart in two sessions: for the first sessions I didn't play as long and I wanted to meditate on the tendency to become addicted to it after this session. After I felt ready for it, the second sessions lasted a lot longer in which I played Runescape for a couple of hours and quite enjoyed it, but also naturally I felt a bit uncentered at the end of it, which the best solution for was laying down and doing nothing, allwowing the dust to settle.

 

In the evening there was my brothers 21-birthday party in which he invited a lot of friends. There were like 7 courses, and as I am, I would only eat the course, then go back to my bedroom and wait for the next course to arrive which my mother would have to call me out for. There was this feeling though that came up with me. I felt once again this anger towards my parents, but my mother in particular. Because the idea that I was being forced to something came to my mind again. It was not so much actually the case, but the fact that I was sort of bound to having to attend these courses sparked an anger in me. And then I noticed I actually enjoyed the thought of lashing out towards my mother some time full force, holding nothing back. I seemed to enjoy the idea of expressing my deepest frustrations with her, even at the risk of being kicked out of the house. In fact, the idea of getting kicked out of the house now seemed appealing to me, because that would create a boundary for me to go back to old lifestyles, and it would allow me to begin with something fully new. I viewed it as a possibility as my initiation to actually go and travel to the United States and go working there for RSD.

 

Day 73 (Sunday December 3rd 2017)

 

Woke up feeling this feeling of emptiness again, which was sort of the craving for the feminine, for the woman. That feeling sparked in me the thought that perhaps I should go back to approaching again. I decided that before I would go back to video gaming I would have gone and done that, that the reward of going out and approaching one girl would be that I could go and play some Runescape.

 

I slept in between though, and when I wake up  I did go out with the intention to do that, but as it turned out... Once again just this feeling of irritation every time I come close to wanting to appraoch a girl. Even a pretty girl I don't feel fully congruent as  to actually approach her. I just don't feel it. It's very frustrating, because I want to be able to do it, but as it is, it's simply a bad idea. These frustrations are the kind of feelings that makes want to go force it, though, and makes me want to act in a stupid way. The temptation is big to say that I should simply do it once and see how it turns out despite how I feel, but I've already done this in the past too and I know the answer to it. It's very hard to stay conscious over it, and to not get indulged in unconsciousness. However, now that I'm typing this, I now actually feel tempted to go out and approach a girl just to provide evidence to myself once more that this isn't a good idea. That's the least I can do for now: to provide experiental evidence that it isn't working out in this state. AT least in this way I can hopefully surrender to actually doing it. Just doing it once in whatever fashion I like. I will do that now and I will be back to type more later.

 

Later edit:

 

I went out to try to do at least one thing. But you know what I noticed? I just literally couldn't. Not that I was suffering from approach anxiety, but I felt a very deep sense of irritation every time I came close to approaching a girl. I just couldn't do it. It was over.

 

So it got me thinking... Is this whole success with women thing somethign I can still practice in, or is literally now my only resort to go deeper into meditation? Because if my ambition to go volunteer with RSD doesn't work out, then what else? Perhaps I can still volunteer at RSD without actively learning game, but that is a questionable idea.

 

And I had another thought which I want to go deeper into right now. This desire to rebel and be able to have the freedom to absolutely anything I want, has grown in me. Especially after dinner, that even the simple remark of my mother that I couldn't wear my jacket at the dinner table, got me already pretty angry. I have decided that I will say to them soon that I will demand no less than absolute freedom to be able to do anything I want, and that I will not tolerate any demands or will yield under their desires. I got inspired to do this by reading Osho's autobiography, in which he demanded the same; no less than absolute freedom. I will now demand the same. I will not accept this parent-child role anymore. I will not accept them to have power over me anymore. I will abolish all morailty and live only according to my own consciousness. There are a couple of instances where even for me it's too far. If the (potential) consequences outweigh the freedom of choice, then I won't do it. For instance, when I could go to jail for it. Or even better: when I face an extremely negative atmosphere in the house or risk being literally dragged out of the house, in which case, I will decide to leave the house myself. You heard that right. So basically I am willing to be expelled from the house, but out of my own freedom I will cooperate it and not resist it to the bitter end. I do however have some money still to pay for like 2-3 months of AirBnB.

 

And I don't care anymore about what's reasonable and unreasonable; I will simply act as I feel like. I don't care about morality anymore, I don't care about what's "sensible" anymore. I will not compromise anymore to go for what I want, at least to the extent of 99.9%. Only if the freedom I will be winning is so disproportional with the (potential) consequences I could face, I won't do it. I am not afraid anymore, because I am willing to be expelled from the house, and I am even willing to roam on the streets if this were to be absolutely necessary. Even if this means doing it with the onset of winter. Now I feel I have enough consciousness and thus strength to be able to carry that burden. Previously, before Mexico, I was still too afraid so I didn't dare to go all the way out. I didn't really listen, but I still gave socially acceptable answers just to get along, just so the atmosphere in the house would be somewhat bearable. Now I won't be trying to get along anymore, since I am willing to leave the house. I am done living in fear, and it is time for me to take absolute freedom and live according to my consciousness, no matter the cost, no matter how unreasonable it may appear on the surface. But maybe it is not right to say that I will be going for 99.9% freedom. Maybe I should aim for the absolute 100%. Then instead of not doing something because I am afraid of the consequences, I won't do something because it doesn't live up to my level of consciousness. I must be ready to be seen as a lunatic. I must be ready to go against all social conditioning. I must be ready to be criticized by everybody

 

But I feel that today, during a talk with a counselor and my parents, I will announce this. It will be very difficult, but it is time for me to claim my absolute freedom. It is time for me to be vocal. It is time for me to fight back not in a half-assed way, but fully and committed. Nothing less than it. I feel this is a necessary phase I will have to go through.

 

Saying this, my mother came in to deliver some clothes and talked about something I didn't want to talk about. I told her to leave because I was busy, but I didn't do it the right way. I said: "with all due respect, I'd like you to leave because I was busy with something". I should've said: "I was busy. Please leave". This I must practice on once I've announced it.

 

Day 73 (Monday December 4th 2017)

 

Frankly, I don't remember much of what I did this day except for one thing: I announced with the conversation with my parents and my counselor at 6AM that was planned today that I wanted independence, that I wanted to be responsible for myself. I announced that either I was to live in the house with no rules and no expectations whatsoever, or I was to move out of the house and find another place to stay at. I said that I could find an airBnb in the time that I was to figure out how I was going to do that for the longer term. There was some discussion and my parents didn't like it, but I'm glad I took this first step.

 

Tomorrow, I'm going to rebel against my parents. Because now I have nothing to lose anymore because I'm going to move out of the house. I'm going to rebel. Just wait.

 

Day 74 (Tuesday December 5th 2017)

 

I woke up being quite bothered by my compulsive tendencies again. I didn't seem to have much of a anchor for my consciousness to rest on to redirect my focus from these compulsive tendencies. What I noticed that helped was that I started focusing by drinking a meditative cup of tea, in which I really focused on the sensation of the tea. I also ate bread consciously and walked consciously, but, most importantly, I did breath meditation in which I consciously focused on the breath. I found this to be the easiest anchor for my awareness to distract myself from these compulsions. I also did this throughout the bus ride on my way to the first day of the work orientation program. But the fact was that even though the breath made an anchor for me temporarily, it left me when I couldn't do that because I was attending a workshop of the program I was enrolled in. So I found myself being quite a bit distracted during the first session there. During the break however, even 5 minutes of breath meditation on the toilet seemed enough for me to be anchored during the second sessions. During the second break of one hour long I went to a mall about 10 minutes away, bought a bread there, did some breath meditation on a train station there, and ate the bread consciously. Even though I wasn't as distracted by compulsions anymore, as was already the case, the breath meditation didn't seem to work as powerful anymore as an anchor as it did previously, on my way to the location for instance. The third session of the workshop I was also pretty attentive there, feeling like I made a good impression on the two attractive girls there, which I know isn't really anything vital but my ego definately likes that. I'll talk a little bit more about these girls a bit later on.

 

On my way back, I found the compulsive tendencies becoming a bit stronger again. i first tried to find some anchor for my awareness, tried to do something about it, but I felt like that wasn't working too well. Once I got home I was just really frustrated because at this point nothing seemed to really work. I made a list of things that I ould possibly try:

 

- Blow the tension out, or imagine me blowing out

- Focus on the feeling, without the intention for a energetical reaction (I.e. that convulsions would happen)

- Focus on the feeling, with the intention for a energetical reaction (the difference with the above is that with this one, I dive into the feeling and with the first I stand on the sideline watching it)

- Focus on breath

- Focus on body-awareness

- Focus on the activity I'm doing

- Try to say fuck it all, and do whatever I want.

 

The problem, i realized,was that every single one of them was based on effort. Effort in itself implied strain and therefore resistance to what is. I laid down and simply realized that whether I decided to do something or not do something, I would be disturbed by it either way if the attitude was incorrect. I've both done it and not done it often enough that I know that whatever choice you make doesn't matter if the attitude isn't correct. And the attitude isn't correct if you're too concerned about what you do and not about how you do it. Conversely, if the attitude were to be correct, I would not be disturbed by it whatever I did.

 

What I also realized is that sometimes I allowed myself to go into a compulsive tendency just to try to prove myself that I could do it. But this is once again identification with the compulsion because it is a reaction based on it. With true awareness, you just do whatever you like. But this is a reaction because I am too eager to prove something to myself, as if I don't already know and I would have to be convinced. It's the fear that the solution would be one-sided (that the only solution was that I couldn't do it) and therefore in the past I have been doing it all wrong. this reaction is what causes me to become too concerned about the what again

 

So what I did is simply realize that it didn't really matter what I did, and in that realization I could suddenly relax and not be distracted anymore by these compulsive tendencies. Not that they are now gone altogether, but the link has weakened a little but. For now at least.

 

I also thought about the two girls there at the work orientation program. I fantasized how I would ask one of them to go and have lunch with me somewhere during the break, and how I then would invite her for some time later to have a drink, and how we then would get very sexual and then would go back to my house to have sex. I feel more capable of doing that now. However, I am very aware that fantasies never exactly match the reality. I do however plan on asking at least one of those two girls to go out and lunch with me. I don't really care that some RSD instructors have said that you shouldn't game girls from your work circle. It's apparenlty the only thing right now that I can envision happening well. So I expect that I will at the very least try it because it seems to be a bit more congruent to me. I can get rejected, or she may have a boyfriend or something and adamantely refuses to "move things further", but the very trying now seems a good oppurtunity for me to grow, no matter if I get rejected or not. Either contains a lesson. We'll see what happens

 

Then now the most important thing for today: As planned, I said when I was called for evening dinner that I wanted to keep my jacket on, which was against my mother's wishes. I was now really adamant about it and I was told that it was better if I went upstairs again (it wasn't necessarily a command, as such). I could really see the discomfort in my parents behaviour. Not being as stubborn to refuse that, I went upstairs to plan my next move. This I was even more nervous about. I was going to tell my parents that I wouldn't accept a parent-child role anymore and that I demanded to treated with equality on equal terms. Secondly, I was to say that I also demanded to be listened to whenever I had to say something, even during heated discussion, in which mother often had the tendency to interrupt me and silence me. I was not going to let that happen anymore. I was however very nervous about doing this

 

So when I felt like i had gathered enough strength for this, I went downstairs and told my mother this (my father wasn't there) with maybe less authority than I had hoped for, but nevertheless I was determined and I got the message across. My mother, instead of fighting with it didn't really react to it or energize it. I reckoned this was probably a strategy of her, but that wasn't the point. The point was that I did what I had set out to do and got the message across.

 

I wonder where it now goes from here. There are a couple of things I am very keen on (not) doing. I am for instance not even letting them kick me out of the house unless they literally drag me before the date that I have planned. I am in fact not letting them tell me to do anything at all anymore. Perhaps my mother will keep on having this attitude as if she doesn't care to disempower my efforts (which I'm sure, she does care), but to me it's all about what I'm having the courage for to do. It's the steps and sacrifices I'm willing to make. We'll see what happens. I'll see later when I am going to set my date to go to the AirBnB address.

 

Gap in text, page missing

 

Monday January 22nd

 

I'd like to examine the statement "I need to experience this to be able to go past it" furthermore. I felt like it didn't hold true  in the case described in the entry above, where I was able to change my attitude about needing a sexual encounter with a prostitute. But as far as needing to game is concerned... It feels damn necessary to be going out gaming now, and I don't know how I could possibly make a change in attitude in the need to go out gaming. So the term "I need to experience it to go past it" seems both true and both not true, paradoxically somehow. It's like... You need to have certain experiences to realize that you don't need to believe that you need it anymore, does that make sense? Osho has said that you can be enlightened right now, that there is nothing else obstructing you from being enlightened right now. But how can I believe this? It's simply not my experience that it is true, but for someone else it can be true. It's just a very strange philosophy subject. It reminds me of quantum-physics, where the particles change based on who the observer is.

 

Moving on

 

When will I ever learn not to take my fantasies too seriously? After I've written my journal, I had the plan to go out the evening on monday, but that was still like 20 hours away. I felt impatient and didn't know how I would spend all this time. Right now, I simply felt way too restless to be relaxing into myself. I fel the impulse to go out and approach, but it was 3 o'clock on a sunday night (the night on which monday starts with). It was pretty much the deadest moment of the week, I reckoned. After a bit of hesitation, still I went, to see if there was maybe something there. I felt that if I stayed then I would get even more restless as time went on tand then suddenly at 5 o'clock, when it would literally be the most abandoned time of the week, then I would siddenly feel the urge to go out and game so strong that I couldn't resist it anymore. So I decided to go when it was 3:30 AM. Yes, it was rather abandoned, but there was still on club open with some people in it. The curtains however were closed, meaning no new people were allowed in. So I waited outside for people to come out (resting against a wall opposite to the club, meditating and centering). For the rest, the streets were almost completely empty it seemed. I estimated that it would take more time to search for a girl than to wait for a girl to come out of the club. Plus, like this I could center and control my feelings, so to say (I never like the word "control")

 

But here I found out once again how my fantasies draw me to unrealistic expectations of myself. I certainly didn't dare to do a hook, but I really felt too afraid to be sexual at all. My plan was now to say to a girl: "I think you're hot" with a flirtatious gaze. I needed to constantly remind myself that it was okay to be creepy and that I was learning myself to become a man to gather myself some courage. So the first thing I wanted to do was appraoch a girl that had gone out of the club that was using the phone, but despite not having to initial courage to go up to her, I was also afraid to tell her that she was hot since I hadn't seen her face. What if she was not hot? Then how would I feel saying it? Even though I knew that was not the point, this thought scared me. Eventually I took too long, having waited around a corner, and she left. Then I waited outside the club, centering.

 

Next I walked some around, initially chasing a couple that came out of the club, wondering if I could bring up the courage to approach a couple and actually say that to the girl. As I was following them, I saw two girls sitting who were having the giggles. Perfect. But I was too afraid to approach initially. I waited around the corner, and knew I felt too afraid to only address one of them. I was too afraid to make to other one feel to inferior related to her friend. I however knew that this was also a fear that I would need to eventually go past, but for now I needed to make the challenge manageable so I decided to tell them both that I thought they were hot. There was also the fear that maybe they weren't so hot, and I also knew this was an unimportant detail, as the point was simply taking action, but the fear was there nevertheless.

 

Regardless, after a few minutes of gathering courage, I walked up to them and said: "I think you girls are hot". Certainly I wasn't grounded in my energy, and I said it with an insecure smirk on my face, but I did it, and with the intention to be flirtatious and sexual, even though this certainly didn't come across. The girls didn't take me too seriously, meaning they continued on with their giggling not having taken my words so seriously. It was a nice given that they were giggling already, meaning that they didn't respond too unfriendly because of it, but I know their response is not the point, and that I will have to face a lot of rejection in the future too. But it's nice to have a reference experience that makes me feel more okay about being sexual or flirtatious, even though I know this will not always stay this way and that there are a lot of lessons to be learned from harsh rejections too.

 

I notice how much energy it releases within me. I had the tendency to swear after I walked away to release some of the built-up tension. I was however satisfied with the fact that I had done it. After this, I went home. I find it to be important to do one challenge at a time, then restore and analyze what my next challenge is going to be.

 

But it is SOO important that I don't put the bar too high, and that I don't push myself beyond reasonable boundaries as I am out going to do game. For instance, This night I had wanted to approach the couple with the girl and the guy, but that was a bar too high for me since I was too afraid of it since she was still with the guy. To be fair, as the streets were rather abandoned it may have been a reasonable choice, since I wouldn't get much more alternative options, but I really must do challenges that I can do without hours of hesitating and gathering courage. It's VEEERY important that I make reasonable decisions at the spot about what I feel I am able to accomplish without too much hesitation and what not, and also when it's reasonable to rest and center and when not. The decision-making muscle is one that is very important to develop in game, and it will be one of my greatest exercises.

The whole trip took about a bit over an hour, of which 20 minutes were traveling. Also considering I was centering and considering what to do for a good bit, I reckon I spent about 15 minutes gathering courage, which is really good compared to what I had done in the past.

 

So it's important to remember to make my challenges feasible. Don't put the bar too high. It's much better to put the bar a bit too low than too high, though you don't want to put the bar too low either. I always like to do something that I haven't done before, or something in a certain way that I hadn't done that way before. Massive action doesn't really seem to work for me right now. I like to make sniper shots rather than machine-gun fire. That's how I like my game now. But this may and will probably change in the future somewhere.

 

Posted March 8th, 2018 at 7:18 AM #62

 

I want to become a sannyasin, and Ozen to be my master. But I am not ready yet. I have to prepare. I lack maturity, I lack love. But this is what I want to be. Otherwise, life lacks purpose. What to aim for? And I am not ready to disappear. I am not yet ready to dive into the black hole. The black hole is yet too intimidating, there is still too much garbage and blockages distracting me from diving into the hole. I am not capable of surrendering yet. I can only come once I'm ready to love, when I'm open, when I'm ready to fully surrender and disappear. There are still certain leftover desires. There are still leftover distractions and inner blockages. I am still not capable of being very loving.

 

But one thing I know. That if this is my goal, that if this is my purpose, then nothing will stop me from becoming it. I can be lackluster about it and say that existence wanted me not te be a sannyassin when it fails, or I can persist, persist until the very end, persist as if this is all. But I must be sure that I can persist. The despair must become determination, such a determination that it will manifest no matter what. I must be sure that I am determined. And that I am capable of falling in tune, falling in harmony.

 

I am not ready yet. I lack the determination. I lack the maturity and silence within me to take this step. The ground is not ready yet. But I will use this time as an oppurtunity to practice, but I am not sure whether it will be a practice of maturity, or a happening of it.

 

Be ready. Devout whatever energy you can to be ready.

 

Posted March 18th, 2018 at 7:13 AM #63

 

I'm making another entry because I'm now reaching a point where I feel like it'd be worthwhile to note down my findings.

 

First off, it's worthwhile to note down things that I feel are going the right direction. I have realized that having a more positive focus and seeing the the way I'm growing —Without being delusional— are very helpful. See where I'm becoming stronger, see where I'm becoming more aware, see how I'm able to catch myself going down the wrong path quicker, see how I'm able to take a step back sooner, see how I'm gaining new perspectives and insights etc... Part of it is also seeing where peace and silence occur, even in painful moments. In fact, ESPECIALLY in painful moments. Yesterday I felt a moment of despair, and I was about to distract myself from it from walking and going to think about it, or just to keep myself busy so I didn't have to face it, when I suddenly recalled that I could be aware of what this moment could offer me. In fact, in such a moment, when you don't identify with the contents of the despairing thought, it is in fact easier to be aware and silent. Because the energy of the anxiety can also give rise to awareness, which is also something I've noticed in my past. If you identify with the fear and despair, it gets you down the drain real quick, but if you manage to watch it, you actually have a lot more stamina for meditation and awareness, a lot more energy for it. The energy of anxiety and despair gets transformed into awareness and alertness that way. Whenever a despairing thoughts surfaces again, recall to yourself: "where is the silence, the peace, the awareness in this". That helps tremendously.

 

Continuing on. I've been video gaming a lot the days before the past couple ones, and now for a few days I've been kicking off it. Kicking off I really did at first because I found myself tired of it, but lately and especially yesterday it's become more and more an obsession. The problem is: I do not feel the true desire to video game, to play runescape, but the compulsory tendency to keep on somehow craving it against my desire or will is getting to me. I struggled with this yesterday quite a bit. I'm now noting my experiences because I feel like it gives me better perspective. I'm kinda wondering what to do at this point. I feel that any attempt to either stay away from it or to indulge in it to make the cravings go away, is not going to help me. Acting out of the very obsession will be counterproductive. I know I've told myself before that if I am not able to be conscious throughout it, then it doesn't matter if I do or don't, but that's what I want to be right now: I want to be able to meditate over it, to not be identified with this strange craving or obsession anymore. I'm just getting rather fed up with it being an obsession. I'm okay with video gaming, but I want to feel free in my choices to engage in it or to not engage in it. I noticed it straight as I woke up... When I started to think about this as my first thoughts after waking up, I started to feel this irritated feeling about the whole thing, I started to feel down and tense straightaway. I really don't feel like either indulging or purposely staying away from it for the sake of it isn't going to help me right now. I want a new perspective, a new level of detachment, I which I'm still able to choose whether to engage in video gaming or not, but that I can feel that I have made this choice out of freedom.

 

So today will be a day of experimenting. I will try to do some disciplinary meditation perhaps. I will try to see if the act of allowing tremors and convulsions to happen make any difference. I just hope I will be able to find the right space of meditation, because I kind of already know somewhere that any attempt of something will be the problem in itself. But can it happen? I intend on doing a lot of experimentation today to see what works out, maybe some walks to gain a new perspectives or to recall old ones that I need to resurface again.

 

Writing this down somehow gives me some feeling of... control. If I didn't come at my current situation as experimentation, I feel like the energy would have been much heavier and struggle would be a lot more pronounced. But if i'm like a scientist about it, doing conscious experimentation, trying different approaches and strategies, then it feels more like i'm playing a game, instead of having to deal with an 'important' issue.

 

Probably will note down some findings I have today in my journal.

 

Update:

 

ONe thing I quickly became aware of not too long afterwriting down the first bit of today's journal, was that I could be aware of the entire process, not just the compulsive qualities. It's a bit hard to explain, but what it basically comes down to was that yesterday I was more attempting to get rid of the feeling, meaning my attention was more narrowed. Now my attention was broader and I could be aware of the tendency to fight these feelings and thoughts, the tendency to judge myself for it. Sometimes I'm not even sure what exactly I'm aware of, or at least I can't really put it into words, but the basic thing is that my attention was broader, that instead of taking one step back and looking at it, I took two steps back and I looked at the processes that happened when I put one step back also. But it is relieving to, even if it only works temporarily and not all the time, recall how I needed to deal with the matter. It is however so that as of yet I am not able to be able to maintain this level of awareness every time the mind-pattern about this whole situation resurfaces. But I know it will be alright in the end.

 

Now I feel a bit tense for some unknown reason. I slept before that, before I felt tense, but now I feel myself unable to relax. I recall having this feeling a couple of months back, just before I went to the Madison hotseat in Paris. I forgot how I dealt with it, but I do recall writing the processes down in my journal. I will look up how I dealt with it back then accordingly, and maybe that will give me something that I can use right now too.

In the evening I laid down in my bed and the tension came a bit to a climax once again. I was really disturbed by it because I found myself just not having any anchor for any rest. The tensions just seemed to live their own life. So I eventually decided to take a walk and come to a conclusion. I thought about what had worked for me before, which was that I made more clear decisions about what I needed to do, and stepping out of and being aware of doubt about it. I also recalled that being more dedicated to meditation had worked, but I was a bit scared that the willpower would have an opposite effect of complacency later on. But as I got home, I realized I jsut needed to let go of all thougths and ideas I had collected over the past few weeks and focus on

completely being present, as hard as that was because of all the thoughts wanting to doubt it. I need to admit that "I don't know". With that realization that "I don't know" I was very keen in staying aware, and later slowly fell asleep

That's what I found from that time. Decisiveness, discipline. I will see if that works for me right now. I will keep on experimenting.

Posted March 19th, 2018 at 4:04 AM #64

I woke up rather depressed today. Active mind, didn't really feel able to bring much awareness into it. I feel like I've gone a bit too far into passivity. I feel like there's a connection between me physically being so inactive and me feeling depressed. I would like to start working, and I have desired that for a while now, but the fact is that I'm still waiting for certain processes to be finished from both the work orientation group and autism activity center I was scheduled to go to. Both have gone painstakingly slow as far as their progress is concerned. Whilst I have felt that there was no need for anything to be urgent, and that this waiting period still granted me an oppurtunity to reflect and meditate further upon myself, which I still agree with, I now feel like I need to start becoming more active already. The past few weeks have been beautiful in the sense that it intensified my search, that it got me, occasionally, to find presence in pain and despair, that it got me to experiment with certain belief systems I would've otherwise not gotten around to as much... I'm trying to reframe it in such a way that I can see the upsides of it without naming terms and things that are irrelevant to my own insight. I could for instance say that it has eroded away the ego, which is probably true, but not something I necessarily feel as much.

 

I have felt a couple of times in the past few weeks a strong desire to be active, and right now too. I have waited... And i'm bound to wait a little bit longer before I can start working. It's so frustrating that it all lets itself wait so long... You know, this passive phase has been quite okay, but I want to start being active. Jogging I find a good idea, meeting up with some friends too, doing some activities that are happening in the city too... I would do volunteer work, but things are about to happen, which I have been saying for weeks to myself! Why is it so fucking slow! Just give me something already! I really want to start working... I have never desired to go and be active as much in my life in this period... And it just so happens to be that work is always "just around the corner". It frusttrates me as I'm typing about it. I've been waiting enough! I will do whatsoever I can for now. I must keep perspective, though. Even though I'm not rationalizing anything as far as my change in actions are concerned, I have not been wanting to be active most of the time in the past couple of weeks, just some moments where I felt that strongly, such as right now. But I feel that me being depressed has to do with me being so physically inactive, and that my existence as of right now is so purposeless. I am not serving anything or anybody, and I am just existing here by myself. For some reason, though, even though I have wanting to be active, I have not wanted to help out in the household at all for some reason. For some reason, I could not have find myself excited to do that. I might even try that, just to see how it fares. But I am not feeling it.

 

Update:

 

I think it's proper to adopt the attitude I had when I took myself out of the rut just after my suicidal period. The attitude was: I know I will face a lot of suffering and pain, but I will focus on whatever I am able to do, and I will note down how I feel every single day, to see the progress in the long term, and to keep perspective. The attitude was one of acceptance that I was feeling the way I did, and one of long-term patience and perseverence, knowing well that there's a lot of suffering up ahead, but willing to face it head on and dedicating myself to life, taking things step by step. Not that I think that I will be struggling as long or as deeply as I did back then, but I want the same attitude back that was a combination of patience, persistence and acceptance. One thing important to remember is that I back then had an incredible amount of thoughts of self-doubt and anxiety, often fearing I wasn't going to make it, but persisting despite of it and cutting off these thoughts. That is not so strongly now. Now, I am also more capable of being flexible without fearing any change in behaviour so much.

 

I think it'd be helpful if I, for now, have a key phrase or mantra to remind myself of the essential. "this too shall pass" is a good one. "I choose life" also is.

The text that starts now is written from another log

This is regarding 2018

I'll write a log for 6th of april and for the 8th of april, but also brefly what preceded it.

The month or 1,5 month before the 4th of April marked one of increasing despair, particularly during the evening. The main fear was the one about the despair; the fear of despair. Strangely enough,  I don't even recall exactly what my coping strategies were. I didn't know how I should go about changing anything, so I tried to forget and refocus everytime I had a thought that disturbed me. I guess the main hope I was attached to was that me becoming more active would automatically start doing something for me. It's strange how with what I've realized now I was even able to manage myself back then. I was just hoping for occassional visitations of awareness would be increasing and that the despair I was sometimes feeling was one I needed to forget about, to learn how to forget about it. It now seems so strange how I was able to go on like this for as long as I did... I was just surviving... Certain slithers of hope I was holding on to, like running away to yet another guru or something, reminding myself that "this too shall pass", and focusing on what I could be learning still.

Wednesday the 4th of April it came to a climax after a walk, in which I thought of what I could possibly be doing and was just too confused and unsure to make a decision. My worst fear was that this despair was feeling was going to increase every day more and more and I didn't know how much I would yet still get of it. The fear of the fear, the fear of despair was the worst. Getting home,  first thought that  should make some work of going to another guru yet again. But then I came across a text of Osho on the web. Oh, good old Osho, how many times you have aided me. Here's both the question and the answer to it

Osho. I have done so many therapy groups in order to deprogram myself and above all I have the greatest fortune in existence to be so close to you. Still, sometimes l feel like having moved miles from where I was stuck a few years ago. and sometimes I feel I haven't moved one inch. Then I feel so desperate that everything seems to be futile. I can watch this happening but still there is suffering. Please give your advice.

It happens to everybody, because both the experiences are still of the mind. The beautiful space and the despair, the suffering - they are not opposite to each other. They are part of the same mind, because mind exists in duality.

It is just like a bullock cart: two wheels are needed. You cannot have a bullock cart with one wheel. The mind is even older than a bullock cart - it is the mind that invented the bullock cart.

The trouble arises when you start identifying yourself with the beautiful moments, then you are getting ready for trouble. Then soon the other thing is going to happen: you will be suffering, you will be desperate.

So the first thing to be understood is that both things are of the mind. That will give you a little distance from both the experiences. And secondly, don't bother about the suffering and the despair. Concentrate when you are feeling beautiful, when you are feeling that you have moved miles from where you were stuck. That is the moment to remember, "It is a mind game, and I am not going to participate. I am going to remain simply a witness."

Not identifying with the beautiful moment will automatically destroy the other part: the suffering. the despair.

People always do vice-versa; and that is not possible in the nature of things, because the second part is the other side of the coin. When you are feeling beautiful, you get identified; you feel, "It is me, this is my real self."

Now you are preparing the ground - digging the ditch to fall into it. And when you are in despair and suffering, then how can you say, "I will be simply a witness'? You cannot be a witness.

Nobody wants despair or pain, all those negative feelings; everybody wants to get rid of them. But the way to get rid of them is to get rid of them through the beautiful spaces that you come across.

So whenever you are again feeling in a silent, peaceful, blissful state, remind yourself - don't fall asleep - remind yourself, "This is not me. I am just seeing something far away there on the screen. I am just consciousness, awareness. I am taking note of it, what is happening there."

Keep aloof. It will be a little difficult - one wants to jump into it, it is so beautiful - but if you can keep aloof from the beautiful moments, you have won a great victory, because the person who is capable of keeping himself just a witness of beautiful moments and does not get identified.. It will be child's play for him to witness depression when it comes.

Both the extremes, witnessed, start disappearing.

One thing I particularly took from that was that I needed to be aware of everything, good or bad.

The next day, this resulted in me wanting to be aware continuously with everything I did. And this has continued for the past few days too. One thing I really needed to be aware of was the thought that  wasn't able to maintain this, as it seemed like too much continuous effort and that I simply didn't have eternal stamina. The reality, however, was that the awareness was natural and that the blockage of this natural awareness was —amongst others— the thought that this wasn't sustainable. But this is what I started to notice, that it was happening despite of me, and that I could be aware of whatever blockage the mind threw at me to distract myself from being aware. This could be thoughts of confusion or needing a solution for a (self-created) problem, or thoughts of "I should". But with any of that not present, there was simply awareness that was there naturally, and alternating. Sometimes it was at the breath, sometimes in listening, sometimes with whatever I was doing, sometimes in the body, one time in one part of the body and other times at another part. Previously I had thought that this continuous shifting of attention was the movement of the mind. Whether that was so or not, I felt that if I just surrendered to that movement of attention things became easier.

There's still many thoughts I have left out, but the main thing is that I now see that there is this natural awareness available to me. In particular: choiceless awareness. And the things blocking it from flowing is the movement of the mind, which then makes choiceless awareness into choosing awareness, which isn't meditative awareness. The mind can throw so many "shoulds" at me, so much confusion, create so many problems... But if I become aware of these mental blockages, it can be bypassed and the natural awareness can flow.

However, I noticed today that this awareness isn't always available. For instance, today (Sunday the 8th) I laid down in the afternoon in my room, and after first being able to witness everything going on inside me, I noticed that my awareness became subdued and I wasn't able to witness anymore. I fell into a sort of sleep, as far as spirtual wakefulness is concerned. My body still awake, but the awareness wasn't flowing anymore. At least I was aware of that: that the awareness stopped flowing. I then took a walk to see what a more active position would do for my alertness. It helped at first, but at the way back even walking wouldn't do it for me anymore, to be alert. Alertness simply wasn't flowing anymore, the reservoir seemed to have been exhausted for that moment.

I took another walk a bit later to think about this situation. I noticed from my experiences earlier today that it is in fact inevitable that my alertness will disappear at certain times. Certainly during physical sleep, but even beyond that. Also one thing tending to block it is the need to be aware, the guilt whenever I lose awareness. That thought will block it too. But even beyond any thoughts I will still lose alertness at certain points. Because it feels like  I lose alertness, and then naturally without alertness the mind comes in. It doesn't feel like it's the other way around, like the mind comes in and then I lose alertness. Well, it can be that way, but it didn't feel like that was the case for today in partcular. But it seems like it can go both ways.

But sometimes, beyond the mind interfering and beyond physical sleep, there still seem to be moments when the natural alertness simply disappears, and I am left in a sort of sleep or dreaming state, yet physcically still awake. So I wondered how to go about that. Do I then simply allow myself to distract myself and get involved with other things, like I used to, or do I go through it laying n my bed, as uncomfortable as it can be to have an active mind wanting to do something, and see what's on the other side, when it changes and how. This I want to go and experiment with. What happens when the inevitable spiritual sleep and dreaming comes, then how does it manifest exactly and how long? Does it come with some sort of exorcism of blockages, like me convulsing and jerking, or is it simply part of the cyclic nature of alertness and awareness?

28-04-18

Many days have passed since I wrote the last entry. I feel a bit guilty about not having written, since I feel that keeping ths journal has a certain significance. I tried to detach myself from this apparent need, which is why I haven't tried to write, but the desire for it returns too often.

It's not even that I mind writing so much. I wonder why I have been preventing myself from doing this for so long.

Anyway, let's recap the past few weeks.

It's rather strange that I do not know as of right now where I'm at. I've been having much more peaceful moments the past few weeks and the despair has left me. I would have been able to explain better what had been going through me in the past few weeks had I kept my dairy more often, but this is only a matter that may concern you, the reader, since I feel like if I were to keep a journal just to keep momery traces active of what used to work for me, it can quickly settle into an overload of information again and I then get confused. I feel like keeping a certain mantra or strategy in the back of your mind can never be more than a temporary solution, so I haven't really tried to pin my mind down on certain thoughts of what used to work. Not that I haven't been thinking about it, though, but I felt no dire necessity to keep on remembering.

So what to say about the past few weeks. There would have been so much I could have been telling about would I have written it down at the moment the insights occured to me, but it's not the case, so I will write down whatever I can remember of it.

There has been an attitude of let-go, of allowing things to be and not getting overly obsessed or concerned about them. I can remember an attitude of allowing pain to be at times, yet not having any thought about it whatsoever. Simply that there is some form of pain, but that it simply floats besides of me. Not even necessarily being a watcher (though I have been watching many times), but not being a participant in this pain either. Just allowing things to be as they are, and often being able to watch whatever tendency my mind had get me engaged in it again. Floating by.

So I had been more peaceful and cheerful also, though not all the time. I had also realized not to get my hopes up, since attaching myself to hope would mean that I would fall whenever this hope of a better future would be threathened. Peace does not require hope, and peace with hope can not last, because the polarity of despair is building up since whatever you thought you had accomplished will fade at some point.

It's simply about staying present, and neither getting engaged in hope nor despair. If you get engaged in hope, identified with hope, you will also be identified with despair when that will come. With presence in both happiness and hope (meaning, you are aware of the fact that you tend to attach yourself to happy future envisionments), you will have better access to that dimension when times are more rough also. It's not about becoming happier, it's about accessing an entirely new dimension altogether, which is not part of happiness and sadness, of hope and despair. And it is also the dimension you cannot be aware of directly. Of hope and despair and happiness and pain you can be aware, so I had to recall that if I could be aware of any feeling, whatsoever it was, that it was not essentially me, and thus it was not something for me to get attached to. If there was a feeling of joy, but yet I could witness it, it was not me, it was not my 'essence'. But sometimes I could feel some joy which I could not witness directly, I could not look at it, which was a very strange thing. I wonder if that is part of who I essentially am. I can attach to it, but only if your mind gets occupied with this state after the fact. During, there was no mind to attach itself to this feeling, because it wasn't really your standard feeling. It seemed liek something else. I now only speak as a memory of it, and memories may be distorted, but this is what I could remember of it.

And so as the days went on my alertness decreased somewhat and this fuel for my awareness that I had has seemed to dissipate. I must say though, there seems to be a basic difference somewhere in... identification and alertness. You can not feel so alert, yet abstain from identifying from any thoughts or feelings, which was a strange thing to notice. I always thought you needed to be alert to not get identified with thoughts and feelings, but I could let these things passively go through me, without even needing to be very attentive with my consciousness. Just a sort of passive background sense that you didn't need to get engaged in it. But now, as I type, this sense seemed to have disappeared somewhat. I'm in fact really not sure where I am with my spiritual progress right now. Not sure how I can make sense of where I am and where I'm going. Unclear.

What I do know however is the taste I had, and sometimes still have, of a dimension beyond this despair, pain and suffering I was feeling. Another dimension; so different that you cannot make much sense of it with the language of the ordinary mind. Where there is no way to get the goose out of the bottle, but where the goose is simply in or out. No technique, it simply is or isn't. That is something I recall thinking about, about how the hell I found myself in the state I was in. I had no idea how I got there exactly, I simply found myself able to be meditative, without a direct correlation of a technique. Not to say that without all my attempting and searching and doing it wouldn't have happened, but yet it wasn't because of it. You get me? Indirectly perhaps, but not directly.

I also remember one thing a few days after that apparent turnaround... that I was able to stay quite alert, but there was a thought so pressing that, even though I problably by will could have managed not to engage in it, I stll knew I had to engage in it. It was really about my eating habits, and how I was frustrated by this unregimented style of eating. And I thought about it, and it felt good to have a certain thought structure created for it; it felt good to analyze this. Because of that, I also realize that even if you are able to ward off thoughts, so to say, you shouldn't always repress doubt. There are times to think and doubt, and there are times when this gets too much. Likewise, there are times watch and detach yourself from a certain desire, and there are times when you tend to do this too much, and you need to act upon it. I still struggle with realizing this latest thing, though. I still tend to want too much to be completely detached from anything, and so whenever there is any desire and it's corresponding attachment I don't seem to be able to let go of, I often try too hard to watch it, convulse through it and get rid of it. I can say to watch that tendency too, but at this point, even that can become a trap.

But this is also a thing I vividly recall... that my alertness was a such that I could see the traps I would normally fall into. Sometimes it went like this: that I would see the event that was taking place in my mind, and I thought that  was outside of it, but then this idea that I was watching it gave rise to the idea in my mind that now I had done it, that I am now watching, but then I forgot to watch that new thought that arose, but then I caught myself, and stood besides that, but then the same thought could come up, or perhaps some doubt, and then I would catch when that would happen and then watch again. And then perhaps some doubt: "Is this really what I should be doing? Am I now not trying too hard", and then, once I was about to identify with that idea, then I would catch with my awareness this doubt and what was going on and yet again see it as the process of the mind to distract myself from being aware. And this concerns the moment that I'm meditating.

Thought loops that are also very common for me is, whenever I lay down much: Should I go up and do something now? And then I judge that thought as my mind trying to distract myself, so then getting up doesn't seem like all an good idea anymore, but that temptation is still somewhere, so like that  go into a loop of doubt? "should I get up or not and do something now?". Also a difficult thing with it is that there are no clearly defined boundaries of when is the right moment to go and do something or not. It's never clear. What I do know however, is that this has not been a problem before in the past, and it wll not be a problem again in the future. The thing I should be aware of is the judgement about it; a vital element. The judgement and doubt about that whatsoever you are doing would be a good idea. doubt, judgement, uncertainty. That is the one and only thing I really need to be aware of, because all other things I try to be aware of is really an attempt to achieve something, which is simply the mind, the doer. Maybe a more advanced stage of it than someone who isn't even ever aware of his/her thoughts, but still the doer is active, not the witness. No, the key point is never "what", it is "how". But you keep on forgetting so easily.

And now... the tendency for identification with thoughts seemed to have  increased again, but I don't sense despair anymore. Just the usual mind who likes to keep attempting things and keeps on making you forget about that other dimension. I shouldn't get identified with this as a "phase" as such, because tomorrow yet again can be different. And it has been very different lately. And there is really nothing I can say to myself of something that I can do or not: The goose is in or out. The world doesn't make sense anymore again, but it doesn't have to. What else can I say than just... Go along with whatever is happening; mind-identification or not, awareness or not, alertness or not, doing or being. There is no technique, no strategy, I can only simply go along. Simply go along. Simply go along...

30-04-18

Today I got a message from the woman I wanted to set up a sex date with (paid one, more focused on sensation aswell, not merely sex). She said she wanted a good physical match also, and she said she liked the way I looked except for my beard. She wasn't fond of beards, she said. I found this a strange response. For a woman who is getting paid to do this and who gave me the impression that the sensual experience has more significance, thus me concluding she is more focused on the inner dimension, it seems rather strange that she would have doubts of meeting because of this beard. It seems like such a superficial thing to get rejected by. Now she hasn't rejected yet, and I have replied with a calculated response (whilst not trying to get too obsessed about it), to which she still has to reply to. But I found this strange... Even though it may not be relevant and she does have in general have a sort of resentment towards beards, I wonder if the unkempt appearance of it makes a difference.

It got me thinking about hygienics. What difference does it make for other people. Personally, I'm so far gone into the inner world that this whole outer sensory hygienics thing has more or less lost it's meaning to me. I brush my teeth only every few days, usually once or twice a week. I shower even less, and when I clean I usually use a washing glove. I am however self-conscious and aware of smells that I spread out, so I use some deodorant once in a while when I feel like that is appropiate. Often times I simply forget that his hygienic thing even exists, until someone makes a remark or I feel too warm and sweaty in my clothing after exertion. But then somehow I get overly self-conscious about it at that point, which is strange. I forget all too often, but when I do remember that I haven't done anything about my hygienics in quite a while or that I really smell, I for some reason get overly self-conscious about it, which seems strange. It's just that i'm not really concerned about it as far as myself is concerned, but I am concerned about it when I suddenly realize other people can notice it.

I understand smell can be disturbing, but what about a messy appearance? I often go around with an unkempt beard and hair. What do people, and women I would want to go out with in particular, think of me when I appear like that? Why does this whole thing of cleanliness and hygienics mean so much to them? The western world may have taken it too far, but still I want to know where I am wrong here, where I have gone too far to the other extreme. I can blame and judge other people for being too unbalanced, but where should I take a good look at myself here?

First I want to know how other people can be affected by it, in what ways they can be disturbed by a lack of cleanliness and hygienics. Smell I understand, but what about appearance? If I have a messy beard and hair, then what of it they can find repulsive? In what way is it objectable?

I suppose it can mean a lack of respect for them. That it exclaims that I am not willing to acknowledge their need for their environment to be clean and orderly. It may say to them that I'm too selfish, too unconcerned and unsympathic with other people. They may also have an idea with it that someone with a bad taste for hygienics is of lower status, which still stems mainly from the past in which people of a higher class were well-groomed and kept and people of a lower status were filthier. Status could be another thing.

My mother is also one who likes cleanliness. She had once exclaimed that a house that's cleaned up gives her a feeling of calmth and peace. Now I have difficulty sensing this personally, since I simply don't pay attention to it, but I can take her feedback of it. It can give a sense of calmth and peace. Maybe the same with a person: A well-kept person can give a sense of well-being, I suppose. Personally never felt it like this, but it can be so for other people.

Still, there is a lot to remark about the general obsession people have about cleanliness and hygienics in the west, but I don't only want to point fingers and look at myself. I found myself going too easy into this judging mindset of: "Oh people don't like the way I look? Well screw them! They are not the right kind of people for me to hang out with anyways! They can't see past the surface! They are superficial!". And I would condemn them and meanwhile praise myself for having values that lend towards looking at people beyond the veil of their appearance, trying to appreciate them on a deeper level.

But really what I'm doing here is forsaking personal responsibility here on areas where I could've taken feedback and learned something. Whilst there is something to criticize about what woman who said she didn't liky my beard, I simultaneously am also becoming aware of the fact that my messy beard and hairstyle are in fact a certain reaction against the ideas of society that people should be neat and orderly. Yes, that's also a thing. My messy style shows a rebellion against the neat and orderly ways of society, and when people see this messy style they may make a connection to me being irresponsible, lazy, unstructured, unreliable... And these associations are correct aswell! Because those behaviours are aswell a reaction against the opposite ways of society. It has grown to be a part of my identity. So I feel like my appearance can tell much more about me than just the way I like to present myself physically. It shows a certain rebellion against orderliness, against structure, against systematization, against rigidity. And people who identify with these values, are bound to not like me because my appearance shows a rebellion against it, including many women (particularly if you meet them online, where mind is much more active). But my ways are nothing but a reaction aswell. Because I have identifed with the opposite, my ways are not free either. I am not having this unkempt beard so much because I like it so much (the unkemptness not perse, the beard in general I do), but because somewhere I like the rebellion against the orderliness of most of western society today. The identification is certainly still there.

If I want to be free and grow, I have to disidentify with this reaction against orderliness and rigidity aswell, and simply start acting through my own intent; orderly or not, clean or not. But I do not want to keep acting out of a reaction.

May 20th

Not sure if I felt like writing, but i felt like I may aswel try. it's been a while.

It seems like an entry I previously made has disappeared... unfortunate.

Anyways, as Im typing I realize there's nothing I really want to elaborate on.

May 31th

I'm thinking about this situation with this girl I'm seeing at the day activity program for people with autism which I'm participating in.

Let me explain the situation. i've been going there for a bit over 2 months now, and there's a group of around 8 people my age, all with a form of autism, where we do various day activities. Sometimes I work with this particular girl, who does seem to be into me, but i'm actually not quite sure how to go about it.  I don't need to give too may details, but here are some of the fears/doubts I have:

- Does she actually like me or am I just imagining it? I don't want to embarass myself by pretending like it's on.

- I don't want to mess things up by taking too much risk. I sometimes feel like I rather have nothing happening at all than that I mess things up by taking too much risk and doing something stupid and ruining it altogether, making the rest of our time there pretty awkward aswell.

- Is it the right time for me to show interest (back) and flirt with her? I wonder if I need to wait and get a bit more grounded. I wonder if I need to get a bit more detached from this situation.

- I'm really not comfortable with repaying her attention by giving as much attention back, or even flirting. Honestly, I'm just too afraid to take on such a persona. I feel like I'm not emotionally adapted to carry a flirtatious personality.

I wonder how I should go about this. There is once again so many perspectives and ideas I could have about this, about what is bad and good. I think I will talk about it with my mother this evening.

1st october 2018

Been a while. For sure. If you ask me what happened... Just life I guess. Nothing overly positive, nothing overly negative.

There's something I'd like to go into right now. I'd like to write now for the sake of an inquiry. I notice that I'm right now at a point where I'm laying in my bed still rather often, and now there's this feeling of just not feeling like not doing anything and being with my discontent and boredom. A certain resistance. Now the question I have to myself right now is: How do I let go of this? How do I let go of this resistance? I actually took a walk prior to writing this piece of text, and I noticed I couldn't figure it out, or at least arrive at a point of what I needed to be dong at this particular moment. Simply no clear thought or insight. This was new to me. I recall that it always used to be so that everytime in the past when I took a walk and really started thinking and pondering deeply upon a matter, the thoughts would simply flow and be very sharp and often creative new insights and perspectives would pop up. I now felt like I didn't have that. There was actually a point a week prior to this or so where I did the same pondering upon th same thing and the same lack of a refreshing perspective happened, but then I just wrote it away as me having reached a point where thinking has become futile, or where I would perhaps need something like a psychedelic to reach a new insight. That was my conclusion then, but seeing as it has not really left me, I now start to wonder if I simply have not lost my ability to think really sharply and clearly, to be able to dissect and analyze with great clarity, efficienty and creativity.

That's why I decided to instead of thinking about it, which didn't seem like it was going to work, that instead I would type it out. I've done this once before. The clue is that you allow yourself to be silent when there are no thoughts or ideas running, and just wait for something to come. Just see how far it can bring you, don't force anything, and when you've reached the end of where the line of your thoughts can take you at this moment, then you simply stop.

So let's begin. What's the situation, what's the so-called problem? The problem, if we are allowed to call it that way, is that I often feel this sort of background feeling of resistance to not doing anything at all and laying. It's not really as much as it used to be before where I often felt like I wanted to escape it, but more like I am able to do it now, but I'm just bored and not feeling like it. It's just this sense of "not feeling like it". Like, you're able to do it, but you feel rather dull and lack a decisive and clear intent to do it. You just kind of do it out of "whatever", simply because you know you can't fill up every gap. An attempt to surrender, but not an attempt that is whole-hearted and fully committed to face every possible consequence that it may bring, or at least the consequences that seem wise to face.

So it's basically a half-assed intent, a lack of alignment. One part of me understands the necessity to face the inevitable, as I know I can not escape this nothingness by distractions forever, it is something that is waiting there for me and remaining there whether I distract myself or not. So how do I align? Is there really any other possibility or viewpoint than simply aligning myself to what I know to be inevitable? Is there really any other way to deal with this situation at hand besides aligning myself into the no-doingness that would not cause unnecessary suffering? Is there really even an alternative, even if it would seem somewhat far-fetched? I can think of filling up my days with activities, getting myself jobs ar applying to be a guinea pig at medical research facilities, or hanging out with friends, or walking or going places and visiting cultural amenites, or doing shit on the internet, or doing whatever other people do to keep themselves busy, and none of these are even bad in itself, but even though I certainly permit myself to pursue any of these occupations, and I probably will, I still am aware of the fact that there will inevitably always be moments when I will have to encounter no-doingness. Can I even realisticly say that there's any possibility at all where keeping myself occupied to an extent that I would be able to avoid no-doingness (at least when no-doingness is uncomfortable), where I would be better off than just face the boring side of no-doingness? I am even open to the possibility that sometimes it is a good idea to occupy myself and actually just escape no-doingness if it at times may feel intolerable. I've done that before, and certainly at the time it did feel like the best option for me to partake in. Even though I was aware that I was escaping and certainly not acting out of a positive inspiration or motivation, I knew I simply didn't at that time have the capacity of facing no-doingness, so I aligned myself and accepted that I needed an occupation and distraction.

And now, I still sometimes make effort to occupy myself with certain activities, sometimes even more or less as an escape, but sometimes I do refuse to follow up an idea because it does feel to much like an escape. It really depends on the context and my intuitive feelings about the situation at hand which decides whether I agree with an escape or not. Perhaps if I do decide to do it it may be so because it doesn't feel as an escape at that moment.

I notice that writing feels good, because I notice that once again my thoughts begin to flow again, whereas during the walk they felt stagnated and they didn't seem to get me anywhere. Now I seem to be able to think a lot more detailed and comprehensive. I start to like where this is going.

So as far as my current situation is concerned: There's

There's actually something really interesting happening. As soon as I get to the point where I'm like: "Okay let's see how to fix this problem that I have right now", I then notice that the flow gets interrupted. Then suddenly the flow stops, and I notice I have to contact this sense of no-mind within my head (whatever that is), to center myself again.

I think I'm starting to understand what's happening. I'm waiting for the big epiphany to occur that would transform me. Some kind of big insight that would suddenly throw me into peace. But more than that, I'm also not accepting of this no-doingness because I feel like this is going to disappear and change somehow. At least, I somewhere have the feeling that in the future my life will become more exciting due to me perhaps going to the United States, or starting a music career, or me having some reason to be engaged and fully occupied in something, as to where this uncomfortable no-doingness would disappear or at least become a lot less common. I'm waiting for some kind of dream or ambition to be fulfilled, or at least in the process of fulfilling it so I have an occupation, I can be busy and engaged. And that's why I may be kind of accepting this uncomfortable no-doingness at times, but not really embracing it with complete intent. It's because I somewhere have the feeling that this will not last and things will get more comfortable and happier in the future, once I start traveling or once I start a music career, and this uncomfortable no-doingness will start to become irrelevant.

Now I think I start to understand what's going on, why I feel this low-grade feeling of resistance. It's relieving to become aware of this.

So let's question this. What may actually happen in the future? Would this idea be true? That having a music career or some powerful ambition would obliterate (the dull part of) the no-doingess? Well, has it so far in my life turned out that there was ever some form of engagement that I have never been able to let go of and has not eventually thrown me back into no-doingness? Well? I think the answer to this is clear. Whilst it may be true that perhaps for the past few years I've been through a phase of relative a strong amount of inactivity and inertia, and that now there's a good chance that a much more active and ambitious phase is coming up, it has so far never turned out that boring and dull no-doingness has not occured throughout a longer period in my life. I do remember phases where perhaps this was not the case, but then instead it was replaced with stress. I can also perhaps in the future replace this dullness (we'll just call it dullness for ease) for stress, but would that really be so much better? Great, now the dullness becomes stress. Good job. Now instead of feeling dull and deflated you're under constant tension, stress and anxiety. I do know there's a possibility for a positive, happier phase to occur alongside the more active phase, but that will not last forever too.

The point is, whatever I do not like about how things are now will be the same attitude I carry into the future if I do not address this basic attitude. Whatever discontent is there now due to my lack of surrender to it, will be the same discontent in the future if I still have not surrendered to what is at that exact moment. I must accept that how life is now is simply how it is, whether there is dullness or discontent or whatever. This is what life is. And if the attitude is not changed, the future will carry with it the same discontent as you feel now whatever the specific manifestion of the discontent mat be, it will be so at least in the end.

My advice to myself will be: Whatever may happen in the future, whether it will turn out to be eventful, big, and engaging or not, in the end the fact is that whatever resistance patterns I carry with me right now that makes life more uncomfortable, the exact same thing will be the case in the future if you do not address it. Discontent will then, in the end (after the high of the dream subsides), simply be the same (or even worse as it backfires). If it is true that I would have a very succesful, eventful and engaging future ahead, then it really does not mean shit for my inner success and spiritual growth if I have not improved upon my relationship with the present moment.

So let go of this "future will be better" idea. The future will NOT be better for sure if you expect outer circumstances in your life to change to something that seems more romantic and desireable, if that's all that changed and not your relationship to the present moment, to what you encounter here and now. Wherever you go, there you are. Remember that. Really get it into your head. You will not feel more contented until you let go of a future vision and simply deal with what's right here right now. Whatever envisionment you have about a more prosperous future which you attach yourself to, whether it's on the inner our outer level, is mere distraction. Remember that clearly. All desires for future circumstances to change is mere distraction from the essential work that needs to be done, right now.

3rd October 2018

For some reason I felt this strong sense of emptiness and hollowness returning regarding the lack of much activity in my life. It is this rather loathsome feeling regarding moments where I have absolutely no content in my life. I've had this feeling a couple of times before, and it can be quite overwhelming, where I simply feel that I HAVE to do some things! It makes me want to have more content and activities in my life on a structural basis, and perhaps also something like an ambition and goal I can occupy myself with, more than anything else.

Once again I started to despair just a little bit again, and then it occured to me: I can simply write down whatever possibilities I have, whatever options there are, and what I would need to do for them to get there. I think the main issue is that I do not really have a clear vision and mission in my life. And if I doubt whether I want pursue an option or not, which was really the main issue (the doubt), I can just write out the doubt I have here. I don't seem to be able to clarify what I want to do by just walking and thinking about it now. For some reason, it seems that writing is necessary for me to really clarify it for myself. I can also, if I choose so, take out Tony Robbins "Awaken the giant within" for proper goal setting strategies. I can type a whole lot of shit out, brainstorm a lot, think a lot about ways in which way I want or could change my life around, and see what needs to be done for it.

So what I can simply do is type it out. What could I be doing? What options are there? What do I need to be doing to get there? Am I willing to do it? What's the possible fear and hesitation about? Am I willing to make certain sacrifices? Am I willing to take certain risks and face possible or even certain adversity? Do I consider it to be worth it? Is it worthwhile pursuing? Do I need to plan for it? Does it require a structure? Is the change drastic or relatively minor? Do I need to take action for it now or later?

One thing I do want to remember is that it's important that it's about the actions you take, and not that you hold onto your plan. Plans may change. Desires may change. Ideas may change. I know all of this very clearly. I know it is very possible to have a certain goal or ambition I want to work for and then that it changes all in an instant and I don't want to do it anymore, and I feel like just lazing around again. And you know what? That is totally fine! As long as not one part of me wants to keep doing things and the other part wants to relax. At least I should not be split. I expect no goal or ambition to be interesting me forever, and I should not try to hold on to it. I should not judge myself for quitting something, I should only judge myself for not (re)starting something I felt like I should have been doing (I really shouldn't judge myself at all, but just as a manner of speaking).

Some Tony Robbins reading would probably be a good idea. But I must be aware that I do not get overwhelmed with all these possibilities that he showcases in his book.

But typing it out can also apply for not necessarily longer term ambitions but just doubts or hesitations you have in general for things you want to perhaps change in your life. One example is this: I know this guy at the day activity program for people with diagnosed autism that I'm still taking part in, and I really like this guy (no homo). He has a good sense of humor, he is a very sensitive person, and I see in him a great spiritual heart or aura (whatever that means). It was the first time I've actually witnessed that before on a person  met personally. I like to become friends with him, but I'm quite unsure as to how. I have been waiting and searching for perhaps an oppurtunity to occur where it would be spontaneous within the context to ask him to go and do something. I have difficulties just making regular friends, you see, so I didn't feel like I really wanted to ask him to "just hang out" without other people around. It somehow feels like I'm just being weird like that to me, even though I see other people doing exactly the same, it still feels when I would do that I would be acting weird. I never was really good at bonding with people on a personal level, so it feels odd and unfamiliar to me to be taking action towards this, and I wasn't really sure if I was "ready" for it to start asking that. I felt like perhaps I needed to wait a little bit longer until I felt like the time was right. Now I had found an oppurtunity where perhaps I could invite him to guide me with the guitar on an open mic night where I would sing (since we're both quite into music). I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that, but  had asked him if he perhaps would be open to that (without making an appointment or agreement that it would happen). He said that perhaps he would like to do that.

Now I'm thinking... Perhaps I can not only invite him to do that, but also propose something like taking a walk or something like that. Or ask him to learn me to play guitar. Actually trying to bond. I find it a bit awkward and weird, and especially if I attempt to be the initiator of it. I know it's probably not weird for other people to start friendships like this, but for me it is. I'm not familiar with it and it has never been my strong point: bonding and personal connections.

But my feeling is that I do have to ask him. There is something I'm afraid of though which is why I haven't asked him so far. I have the fear that if I would propose it and it would turn out to just be really awkward and weird where things wouldn't work out, then I would potentially ruin any chances of making a friendship and also just making it awkward for the rest of the time we would be seeing each other at the program.

But I know this probably isn't really much of a rational fear. Let's say what I fear does happen, though. I fuck it up, as to speak in a very simplistic manner, and things do get awkward for us two and we never restore this awkwardness ever again and never become friends and never see each other again after the program is over. let's say this does happen. So what? Is this really so bad? Then I would miss out on some bonding oppurtunity and a potential to share lots of fun together, and a potential to help and guide him in his life when he would need it (which I feel I really could if I provide him the right advice and resources at the right time). But if it fails, so what? I would be a bit more lonely, but is that all that bad? What could that loneliness do for me on the positive side? It could inspire me to try to make friendships through other ways. Or it could inspire me to go in deeper to find a sense of connection within myself. It could throw away attachments I had to this idea of our connection making our (or at least mine) life better in some way. It could throw me more into focusing onto the present moment. At least I know for a fact that when suffering arises, and the situation does not feel acceptable anymore, there will open up new ways and possibilities for me to change it around. it forces me to get more proactive and creative.

That being said: Let's send him a message. I think it's best for me to propose a day in the upcoming weekend, asking him if perhaps we want to practice a song, if we want to take a walk, and if perhaps he would like to teach me how to play guitar. I don't want to replace him as my guitar teacher though; I don't want to have that intent. I want to take guitar lessons, to give reference. There is still uncertainty, doubt, fear and awkwardness involved in me asking him this, but I do feel like I really should try though. I know nothing can truly go wrong, even if it becomes a big fuckup. At least then I learned not to relate, and then a consequent meeting with possibly another person I will then (hopefully) not make the same mistake, if it were to be a mistake at all. I'm just telling this to give myself some encouragement to actually do it.

October 4th

I'm starting to feel this need for me to be challenged. I am however split, though. Part of me would like to stay relaxed and not feel this need to be challenged. Part of me views this need to be challenged as "unnecessary struggle". Part of me think I want challenge for challenge's sake. Or in other words: that I want struggle for struggle's sake. That's how it feels to me for some part.

October 6th.

I intend to do another psychedelic mushroom ceremony, just by myself. (ah yes I've done one a month ago) I want some questions to be answered, or at least I want to ask them and see if a response comes. I must take note that these answers may not necessarily represent what is actually true, and it is possible for my mind to hijack my perception where it makes me think that the answers come from a higher source, whilst in reality they are simply a representative of my fears. This is a possibility, but that does not mean that thoughts that I really fear to be true have to be dismissed per se, because they could actually be true. It could be mind games, it could be a truth from a higher source, or both.

What I would like to ask to the universe during this trip is this:

Is it necessary to consciously create suffering for yourself in order to grow, or is in reality only suffering necessary as a by-product for resistance patterns you encounter during your growth, or deepening of awareness? Are there moments when when it is wise for suffering to be consciously created as its main goal, not as a by-product.

This is what I'm asking. Suffering is obviously something that pretty much anyone fears, but the question is whether or not it needs to be amplified for its own sake regarding your growth. And if the answer would be yes, then where would we set the limit? The point where we simply feel we don't have the strength to go on anymore? This is not a new question. I've been a masochist before, and I've had this attitude of pushing myself as far as I can possibly go before, sometimes simply for suffering's sake it seemed. Whilst I don't want to be a masochist, I also don't like to be a coward. I however understand that it's very easy for the ego to take you over on this matter. Because if you do persist in doing something, even if it hurts a lot, it gives you a sense of power. And you may doubt, but you may say that the doubt is something you need to go past, something to ignore. You may feel like you need a sense of dedication. You can use statements like: "You need to burn up your personal will, so why not do it as quickly as possible?"

The counterargument is: Do you really need to choose to suffer? Can you be gentle towards yourself? Or, if you do choose to be very committed to something, then does it have to be so for suffering's sake? Can suffering sometimes simply not be a by-product if something you know you should be doing, instead of being so hard for yourself and generating as much as suffering possible for yourself?

This is for me such a difficult matter to answer. I notice that I would rather avoid suffering at this point in my life than to seek it out, but I also notice that sometimes I tend to slack somewhat and get somewhat apathetic. Certainly there's not as much intensity. Is this a bad thing per se? Maybe not. There is certainly always phases I'm going through. I just wish life could be both be effortless and progressive. I would like to be able to grow without so much backlash of... Well maybe pain is okay but not this additional dimension of suffering through psychological tension. I know pain has to be absolutely accepted as a factor of life, but does the idea that suffering would be necessary as something to be chosen or inevitably encountered aswell?

Taken an example... about 10 days ago or so, or whenever it was, I went to the beach whilst feeling quite distressed, and I already thought about running into the river to let the cold have me some sort of initiation, and the getting back out. I've had this before, where I actually did it (and it was a quite a bit colder), and after that I felt relieved that it was over with, but it was coupled with a lot of psychological tension aswell. The tension is that I'm in fact very confused about whether I should do something like that or not, because such an action would seem to confirm to me that it is necessary to create suffering for yourself intentionally. The psychological tension is coupled with a lot of hesitation, confusion, uncertainty. A large part of this is the question: "is this necessary?". Of course, a good part is also the fear of the discomfort of doing such a thing. But it is also the matter of... if I do this, then should I do more? Should I seek out more pains? More ways to get uncomfortable? Do more things that are very uncomfortable?

I also took an ice bath during a festival a bit over a month ago. But here there was not so much hesitation or anxiety or confusion, because this was guided, it was a ceremony. We were also being physically prepared, but still the fact that it was a guided event makes it different to the psychological system. It then doesn't require this very tense, willful mindset in order for you to do it.

Whether or not it would be necessary for you to create situations of suffering for yourself for which you have to show a certain tense willfulness and rocklike attitude, certainly it can be witnessed that there is indeed this sense to psychological tension. It is not a choice that flows out of a certain understanding beyond the mind, or at least not primarily so if there is so much of this tension and anxiety within you. This much can be confirmed. This does however not answer the question if it is in fact necessary at some time to indeed show this willful act.

But if we are aware of this dynamic, that the ego can get involved with this sense of "must do this" in order to feel stronger and more powerful, can we choose to not believe it, and then it ceases to be true? I've just looked up a video from Eckhart Tolle when he was talking about this, and he does in fact say that pain is necessary until we choose to believe that it is not. This is of course not my own answer, not my own experience.

One question that can be asked though is: Why hurry? Perhaps it would be true that it would burn up the personal will faster so you can get to your core faster. That is considering it would be ultimately true that thinking that you don't need it would simply be an illusion. But does that mean it would be better that way? That's another question.

Irregardless of all my talk, I still feel this itch to do something heroic. I feel this itch to when I'm at the river or lake, to go into it for the sake of feeling heroic and empowered because of it. In fact, I feel some itch to in fact do this during my psychedelic trip, so that it would feel even more like some sort of initiation ritual. But then the question is: Where do I draw the limit? How heroic should my action be? Isn't the most heroic thing to do to actually risk my life in some way? That would feel the most empowering to my sense of self. If I'm able to gamble with my death, then imagine how empowered I would feel if I actually manage to come out of it alive? It feels great to... What I feel to be the ego. If I actually were to do something like that, then it would feel as if it would be some ultimate proof that I'm not a coward, and I would feel much more reassured that I'm not going to waste my life because I'm a very courageous person.

Thank god I actually have the intelligence to perceive that doing some heroic isn't necessarly the best choice of action

October 7th

I leave trains of thought unfinished. I was not done with yesterday's monologue for instance, but right now I have new thoughts which I would like to express.

I'm thinking about this sense of openness and readiness I would need to require when I would start new jobs or studies. I may not in the end find the particular thing I was looking for, but I do not want to keep on searching for that one thing that strikes me out of the blue, and instead develop an attitude of openness and willingness to commit myself to any job, study or occupation I choose to do. I want to develop this because I find it important that I learn to skill in the first place. If I hesitate, wonder and question too much, I will get too much stuck in my head again and I won't create the necessary grounding in experience and action that I do need, because I do tend to get stuck in my mind with wondering and questioning a lot. If I simply can get myself to do things sometimes even for the sake of just doing it, getting over it, and doing the damn thing, even if it's not the "right thing", I feel like this can be tremendously valuable skill to learn. This is not to say to not search for it a little bit, but at some point a choice has to be made. I want to learn not only the ability to make a decision on something which is based on the longer term, but also to commit to that decision or at least not question it all the way through. It is even okay to change your plans, but as you're doing it, at least do it fully and if you suddenly your appetite changes to an extent that it can not be denied, then you can always switch things up. But simply creating this sense of willingness, shutting off the doubting and thinking mind, can be a very valuable lesson to learn I feel. It is the learning of getting out of the mind by doing something you could question, yet not questioning it and simply doing it mindlessly. It is the learning of cessation of doubt and confusion by making a decision, and sticking with that decision. But it doesn't have to be very tense kind of "I must do this" attitude. You can partake with a more gentle attitude towards it. It doesn't need to be maintained at every cost, but you also don't want to question it all the way through. It does not need to become a fight against doubt, it is more just seeing the point that all this doubt and hesitation isn't going to work for you, and once you see that point, you can still do whatever. you don't even need to force yourself to do the thing. But quit questioning it, and do (or don't) whatever you're supposed to do, whatever that means.

Furthermore —another topic now— I notice that I tend to sometimes hold on to a sense of presence. For instance when I go take a walk where I very intentionally and willfully try to maintain to stay present. I notice that doing it like that can get you a little bit tense after a while, so then I go to the other opposite and just forget about the whole thing altogether and drown myself in certain distractions. I want to be able to find a good middleground, where I'm neither trying to maintain it forcefully, and I'm not also slacking off altogether. It seems so easy in theory: Just be aware of whatever is going on, including thought patterns like this. But theory and practice can differ hugely. Effortless awareness is something that somehow seems so difficult to... connect with. Either it seems to become quite involved with a lot of effort, which I know I can't maintain for too long, or I give up the whole thing and become dreamy again, which won't work for eternally either. I wonder where I can find the golden middleground, where I'm aware of whatever is going on, but I don't try to hold on to this notion of being aware.

For instance, if I'm a bit more dreamy and then I suddenly notice that I was dreamy and not so present and aware, then how do I deal with that without judgement? in fact, how do I view this situation, not as a technique, but what is the attitude I take toward this realization that is in accordance to truth?

So I slack off, get a little bit dreamy, lose my intensity to be present, and then realize that I was dreamy and did lose my intensity. How to regard this realization? Maybe the bigger question is: If I lose my intensity or drive to stay present, is there even a possibility at that moment to amp up my intensity of awareness without creating this tense, judgemental and compulsive attitude around it? I find that very hard to reconcile. It seems to me that it's a "either you have it or you don't" situation. If you're dreamy, and then suddenly you're aware of it, is there then a possibility to become a little bit more alert, and maintain that, without judging yourself that you were dreamy? To me it seems rather impossible, because it creates the judgement that it is better to be alert than to be dreamy, so it seems to create this kind of clinging to this sense of alertness. And whatever you try to cling to, you will lose.

When you can be aware, however, is the very moment you realize you were not aware or conscious. In every moment you realize this you are already conscious. You can also become conscious of the fact that now you may be trying to maintain it by focusing on the breath for instance. But should it be attempted to be maintained? I feel like this whole attitude of trying to maintain is this sort of grasping, and then you get in conflict with yourself because you get frustrated that you can't hang onto it.

So if we conclude that trying to maintain or hang onto it doesn't work, then what shift in attitude or perception should we make? For me, it intuitively seems to be correct when I say that there is nothing wrong or bad in being a little bit dreamy. Paradoxically, if you truly would reconcile with that fact it would be a cessation of the psychological conflict you create around "needing to be present and conscious". But it's quite hard to accept that, because you —or your mind— would like to do something, would like to act, would like to strive for something. It would be easier in a way if this was the way you could actually become more conscious. But to become more conscious simply means you see whatever is there without judging it. So this includes your desire to be more conscious, because if you judge awareness as good and dreaminess as bad, then you create tension whenever you realize you were dreamy, and then you try to hold on to what you thought it meant to be aware or conscious. And maybe alertness or focus isn't even being truly conscious. Maybe that's simply what's called "concentration", and would be something that would be of the mind.

What can i truly do? What options do I truly have? I would like to be able to hold on to something, to create some kind of practice for myself, and I do think there are appropriate moments when you can go out for a walk a be very attentive and focused to whatever movements you're making, or focusing on your breath, but that is simply as a counterbalance to sometimes being more dreamy and/or lazy (since actually, being dreamy isn't necessarily being lazy. You can also for instance be very attentively involved in wathcing a youtube video for instance).

Can we say it is bad to be engaged in thought patterns, or be engaged in some sort of activity and to forget the perceiving consciousness? Or a better question is: Does it help at all for you to be wanting it to be different? Does it help at all to try to focus on trying to be aware of your breath or your body, if this comes forth out of a certain judgement that forgetting the perceiver is a bad thing, and that being aware of yourself is a good thing? Does it help to say that I should hold on to this sense of self-awareness? Is there any experiential indication that it is a good thing to try to be focused and aware of something other than the activity you're engaged in with your full attention, other than what I have read and mentally interpreted? If we discard everything that I've ever learned, and simply go by personal experience, can I then say that it would indeed be a better idea to try to be aware of breath, body or sense perception if this creates a subtle sense of tenseness within me? The answer is obvious: No. If I enjoy getting lost in whatever activity I am doing, and the notion of trying to remember myself only creates tension, then why should I even attempt that?

One definition of truth I once heard was this: That which works. That is the simplest and most concise definition you can imagine about it, and it hits it straight on the head. If self-rememberance turns into a technique and therefore judgement (because something must be done), then it won't work. Perhaps one day if I all let this go it will occur spontaneously and the judgement will be gone, and also the sense to hold onto it, but even then what's the point of saying this is some kind of virtue or accomplishment? if it someday occurs naturally without you needing to hold onto it or remember it, spontaneously, naturally, then so what? Should you then really tell yourself that now you've achieved something great? Once you do that, you will try to hold onto it and the spontaneity will be killed, and the psychological tension will return.

It seems very difficult sometimes, but I need to let go of this notion that things are supposed to go a certain way, that I have failed if things go one way, and I succeed that things go another way. The truth is, I'm on this ball of rock floating in space in the middle of perhaps infinity, experiencing a perspective in which sense perceptions, feelings, and random clouds of thoughts appear, and if you simply look at the vastness, complexity of it all, and even the very absurdity that we're here at all, then what is to be said about what is really good and bad? If you really look at the complexity on how things evolve, learn, grow... If you really look at the deeper implications of how evolution takes place, how life unfolds, then you see that the complexity goess so deep that it's completely incomprehensible. Can I simply admit to the fact that the greatness and complexity of this existence is so great that the human mind is completely powerless as to grasp it? Can I admit that I do not know whatever needs to be done? Can I admit that it cannot and never will be made sense of on the level of the mind? Can I go back to this state of not-knowingness? It's scary because a technique will still give you the sense that there's something you can work for, that there is a certain way or path you can walk on if you want it, but if you truly don't know, you don't even really know if there's such a thing as liberation. It becomes such a mindfuck that because of that reason I decide to stop typing at all right now.

October 17th

Past week was interesting. I found myself having the capacity at some point to say the word "stop" whenever compulsory tendencies to do something wanted to creep up, and it cut off the momentum off my mind and released some energy, and after this process, I could for some time feel like I wasn't identified with my thought process whatsoever anymore, like I could just see it and not have to anything to do with it on a personal level. i already understood this intellectually, but now it hit a deeper level than it had before. It didn't last forever, though. Eventually it wavered and I was then simly trying to say "stop" now as a technique as I had remembered, but that was not the same.

But the thing I now really wanted to talk about are these questions that I have... Really, it's a certain longing for something which I had not been able to identify so I thought maybe the best way to get there was through asking questions. I intend to perhaps once again do a magic mushrrom ceremony and intend to answer these questions durng the ceremony. These are some of the question I had that I formulated for myself yesterday:

What is the next phase in my life, or next phases, and what is required to get there?

Why is there suffering in the deepest sense? Elaboration: Why is the construct of existence as such that suffering and pain is a thing, whilst if the universe would be infinitely intelligent, then why the need for this construct where pain and suffering would be required for us to thrive and grow? Why just not float in bubbles of bliss from the very start?

What does it mean to fully, FULLY let go. What is the resistance about in the first place?

And I made a remark that perhaps there were some emotions that wanted to be expressed

 

reflecting upon it, I think what I'm looking for is a sense of connection with existence. I feel rather alienated, disconnected. I have no convincing aesthethic sense that I am one of a bigger whole. I feel much like a seperate construct, doing things on his own, figuring out things on his own... I don't feel much of an emotional connection to the world around me. And that is somewhat frustrating. I want to be able to be more emotionally involved in the world, existence and other people. I feel disconnected in that way and I want to experience a sense of union.

Still, the initial goal I had set for myself was to see if I was able to fully let go of the stories of the mind, then at that point I would have achieved everything I felt I truly needed. I am not at that point, but I wonder if reaching that ideal would be... Sufficiently satisfactory as to not set out the goal to experience the unity with existence.

If we can talk about a goal at all. That is really the question. I know my reasons to choose for life, so if it would just stay at a place of no-mind, but not heartfelt emotions and connection, would that be sufficient? Is it wrong to say that I want to aim for more? Does that get me too attached to emotions whilst the idea is to detach from them? But to be fair, it sounds more reasonable to allow my emotions to surface before trying to detach from it. Because right now, what emotions to detach from?

But is it wrong for me to say that I want to try to experience a more deeper emotional and connected life? To make that a certain... goal, I suppose. Maybe this is also a question to add to the ones I had already for myself.

Is it wrong for me to say that I want to try to experience a more deeper emotional and connected life? Or should my intention be to detach from it?

 

 

GAP IN THE TEXT. NEXT SECTION

 

 

This is regarding 2018

I'll write a log for 6th of april and for the 8th of april, but also brefly what preceded it.

The month or 1,5 month before the 4th of April marked one of increasing despair, particularly during the evening. The main fear was the one about the despair; the fear of despair. Strangely enough,  I don't even recall exactly what my coping strategies were. I didn't know how I should go about changing anything, so I tried to forget and refocus everytime I had a thought that disturbed me. I guess the main hope I was attached to was that me becoming more active would automatically start doing something for me. It's strange how with what I've realized now I was even able to manage myself back then. I was just hoping for occassional visitations of awareness would be increasing and that the despair I was sometimes feeling was one I needed to forget about, to learn how to forget about it. It now seems so strange how I was able to go on like this for as long as I did... I was just surviving... Certain slithers of hope I was holding on to, like running away to yet another guru or something, reminding myself that "this too shall pass", and focusing on what I could be learning still.

Wednesday the 4th of April it came to a climax after a walk, in which I thought of what I could possibly be doing and was just too confused and unsure to make a decision. My worst fear was that this despair  was feeling was going to increase every day more and more and I didn't know how much I would yet still get of it. The fear of the fear, the fear of despair was the worst. Getting home,  first thought that  should make some work of going to another guru yet again. But then I came across a text of Osho on the web. Oh, good old Osho, how many times you have aided me. Here's both the question and the answer to it

Osho. I have done so many therapy groups in order to deprogram myself and above all I have the greatest fortune in existence to be so close to you. Still, sometimes l feel like having moved miles from where I was stuck a few years ago. and sometimes I feel I haven't moved one inch. Then I feel so desperate that everything seems to be futile. I can watch this happening but still there is suffering. Please give your advice.

It happens to everybody, because both the experiences are still of the mind. The beautiful space and the despair, the suffering - they are not opposite to each other. They are part of the same mind, because mind exists in duality.

It is just like a bullock cart: two wheels are needed. You cannot have a bullock cart with one wheel. The mind is even older than a bullock cart - it is the mind that invented the bullock cart.

The trouble arises when you start identifying yourself with the beautiful moments, then you are getting ready for trouble. Then soon the other thing is going to happen: you will be suffering, you will be desperate.

So the first thing to be understood is that both things are of the mind. That will give you a little distance from both the experiences. And secondly, don't bother about the suffering and the despair. Concentrate when you are feeling beautiful, when you are feeling that you have moved miles from where you were stuck. That is the moment to remember, "It is a mind game, and I am not going to participate. I am going to remain simply a witness."

Not identifying with the beautiful moment will automatically destroy the other part: the suffering. the despair.

People always do vice-versa; and that is not possible in the nature of things, because the second part is the other side of the coin. When you are feeling beautiful, you get identified; you feel, "It is me, this is my real self."

Now you are preparing the ground - digging the ditch to fall into it. And when you are in despair and suffering, then how can you say, "I will be simply a witness'? You cannot be a witness.

Nobody wants despair or pain, all those negative feelings; everybody wants to get rid of them. But the way to get rid of them is to get rid of them through the beautiful spaces that you come across.

So whenever you are again feeling in a silent, peaceful, blissful state, remind yourself - don't fall asleep - remind yourself, "This is not me. I am just seeing something far away there on the screen. I am just consciousness, awareness. I am taking note of it, what is happening there."

Keep aloof. It will be a little difficult - one wants to jump into it, it is so beautiful - but if you can keep aloof from the beautiful moments, you have won a great victory, because the person who is capable of keeping himself just a witness of beautiful moments and does not get identified.. It will be child's play for him to witness depression when it comes.

Both the extremes, witnessed, start disappearing.

One thing I particularly took from that was that I needed to be aware of everything, good or bad.

The next day, this resulted in me wanting to be aware continuously with everything I did. And this has continued for the past few days too. One thing I really needed to be aware of was the thought that  wasn't able to maintain this, as it seemed like too much continuous effort and that I simply didn't have eternal stamina. The reality, however, was that the awareness was natural and that the blockage of this natural awareness was —amongst others— the thought that this wasn't sustainable. But this is what I started to notice, that it was happening despite of me, and that I could be aware of whatever blockage the mind threw at me to distract myself from being aware. This could be thoughts of confusion or needing a solution for a (self-created) problem, or thoughts of "I should". But with any of that not present, there was simply awareness that was there naturally, and alternating. Sometimes it was at the breath, sometimes in listening, sometimes with whatever I was doing, sometimes in the body, one time in one part of the body and other times at another part. Previously I had thought that this continuous shifting of attention was the movement of the mind. Whether that was so or not, I felt that if I just surrendered to that movement of attention things became easier.

There's still many thoughts I have left out, but the main thing is that I now see that there is this natural awareness available to me. In particular: choiceless awareness. And the things blocking it from flowing is the movement of the mind, which then makes choiceless awareness into choosing awareness, which isn't meditative awareness. The mind can throw so many "shoulds" at me, so much confusion, create so many problems... But if I become aware of these mental blockages, it can be bypassed and the natural awareness can flow.

However, I noticed today that this awareness isn't always available. For instance, today (Sunday the 8th) I laid down in the afternoon in my room, and after first being able to witness everything going on inside me, I noticed that my awareness became subdued and I wasn't able to witness anymore. I fell into a sort of sleep, as far as spirtual wakefulness is concerned. My body still awake, but the awareness wasn't flowing anymore. At least I was aware of that: that the awareness stopped flowing. I then took a walk to see what a more active position would do for my alertness. It helped at first, but at the way back even walking wouldn't do it for me anymore, to be alert. Alertness simply wasn't flowing anymore, the reservoir seemed to have been exhausted for that moment.

 I took another walk a bit later to think about this situation. I noticed from my experiences earlier today that it is in fact inevitable that my alertness will disappear at certain times. Certainly during physical sleep, but even beyond that. Also one thing tending to block it is the need to be aware, the guilt whenever I lose awareness. That thought will block it too. But even beyond any thoughts I will still lose alertness at certain points. Because it feels like  I lose alertness, and then naturally without alertness the mind comes in. It doesn't feel like it's the other way around, like the mind comes in and then I lose alertness. Well, it can be that way, but it didn't feel like that was the case for today in partcular. But it seems like it can go both ways.

But sometimes, beyond the mind interfering and beyond physical sleep, there still seem to be moments when the natural alertness simply disappears, and I am left in a sort of sleep or dreaming state, yet physcically still awake. So I wondered how to go about that. Do I then simply allow myself to distract myself and get involved with other things, like I used to, or do I go through it laying n my bed, as uncomfortable as it can be to have an active mind wanting to do something, and see what's on the other side, when it changes and how. This I want to go and experiment with. What happens when the inevitable spiritual sleep and dreaming comes, then how does it manifest exactly and how long? Does it come with some sort of exorcism of blockages, like me convulsing and jerking, or is it simply part of the cyclic nature of alertness and awareness?

28-04-18

Many days have passed since I wrote the last entry. I feel a bit guilty about not having written, since I feel that keeping ths journal has a certain significance. I tried to detach myself from this apparent need, which is why I haven't tried to write, but the desire for it returns too often.

It's not even that I mind writing so much. I wonder why I have been preventing myself from doing this for so long.

Anyway, let's recap the past few weeks.

It's rather strange that I do not know as of right now where I'm at. I've been having much more peaceful moments the past few weeks and the despair has left me. I would have been able to explain better what had been going through me in the past few weeks had I kept my dairy more often, but this is only a matter that may concern you, the reader, since I feel like if I were to keep a journal just to keep momery traces active of what used to work for me, it can quickly settle into an overload of information again and I then get confused. I feel like keeping a certain mantra or strategy in the back of your mind can never be more than a temporary solution, so I haven't really tried to pin my mind down on certain thoughts of what used to work. Not that I haven't been thinking about it, though, but I felt no dire necessity to keep on remembering.

So what to say about the past few weeks. There would have been so much I could have been telling about would I have written it down at the moment the insights occured to me, but it's not the case, so I will write down whatever I can remember of it.

There has been an attitude of let-go, of allowing things to be and not getting overly obsessed or concerned about them. I can remember an attitude of allowing pain to be at times, yet not having any thought about it whatsoever. Simply that there is some form of pain, but that it simply floats besides of me. Not even necessarily being a watcher (though I have been watching many times), but not being a participant in this pain either. Just allowing things to be as they are, and often being able to watch whatever tendency my mind had get me engaged in it again. Floating by.

So I had been more peaceful and cheerful also, though not all the time. I had also realized not to get my hopes up, since attaching myself to hope would mean that I would fall whenever this hope of a better future would be threathened. Peace does not require hope, and peace with hope can not last, because the polarity of despair is building up since whatever you thought you had accomplished will fade at some point.

It's simply about staying present, and neither getting engaged in hope nor despair. If you get engaged in hope, identified with hope, you will also be identified with despair when that will come. With presence in both happiness and hope (meaning, you are aware of the fact that you tend to attach yourself to happy future envisionments), you will have better access to that dimension when times are more rough also. It's not about becoming happier, it's about accessing an entirely new dimension altogether, which is not part of happiness and sadness, of hope and despair. And it is also the dimension you cannot be aware of directly. Of hope and despair and happiness and pain you can be aware, so I had to recall that if I could be aware of any feeling, whatsoever it was, that it was not essentially me, and thus it was not something for me to get attached to. If there was a feeling of joy, but yet I could witness it, it was not me, it was not my 'essence'. But sometimes I could feel some joy which I could not witness directly, I could not look at it, which was a very strange thing. I wonder if that is part of who I essentially am. I can attach to it, but only if your mind gets occupied with this state after the fact. During, there was no mind to attach itself to this feeling, because it wasn't really your standard feeling. It seemed liek something else. I now only speak as a memory of it, and memories may be distorted, but this is what I could remember of it.

And so as the days went on my alertness decreased somewhat and this fuel for my awareness that I had has seemed to dissipate. I must say though, there seems to be a basic difference somewhere in... identification and alertness. You can not feel so alert, yet abstain from identifying from any thoughts or feelings, which was a strange thing to notice. I always thought you needed to be alert to not get identified with thoughts and feelings, but I could let these things passively go through me, without even needing to be very attentive with my consciousness. Just a sort of passive background sense that you didn't need to get engaged in it. But now, as I type, this sense seemed to have disappeared somewhat. I'm in fact really not sure where I am with my spiritual progress right now. Not sure how I can make sense of where I am and where I'm going. Unclear.

What I do know however is the taste I had, and sometimes still have, of a dimension beyond this despair, pain and suffering I was feeling. Another dimension; so different that you cannot make much sense of it with the language of the ordinary mind. Where there is no way to get the goose out of the bottle, but where the goose is simply in or out. No technique, it simply is or isn't. That is something I recall thinking about, about how the hell I found myself in the state I was in. I had no idea how I got there exactly, I simply found myself able to be meditative, without a direct correlation of a technique. Not to say that without all my attempting and searching and doing it wouldn't have happened, but yet it wasn't because of it. You get me? Indirectly perhaps, but not directly.

I also remember one thing a few days after that apparent turnaround... that I was able to stay quite alert, but there was a thought so pressing that, even though I problably by will could have managed not to engage in it, I stll knew I had to engage in it. It was really about my eating habits, and how I was frustrated by this unregimented style of eating. And I thought about it, and it felt good to have a certain thought structure created for it; it felt good to analyze this. Because of that, I also realize that even if you are able to ward off thoughts, so to say, you shouldn't always repress doubt. There are times to think and doubt, and there are times when this gets too much. Likewise, there are times watch and detach yourself from a certain desire, and there are times when you tend to do this too much, and you need to act upon it. I still struggle with realizing this latest thing, though. I still tend to want too much to be completely detached from anything, and so whenever there is any desire and it's corresponding attachment I don't seem to be able to let go of, I often try too hard to watch it, convulse through it and get rid of it. I can say to watch that tendency too, but at this point, even that can become a trap.

But this is also a thing I vividly recall... that my alertness was a such that I could see the traps I would normally fall into. Sometimes it went like this: that I would see the event that was taking place in my mind, and I thought that  was outside of it, but then this idea that I was watching it gave rise to the idea in my mind that now I had done it, that I am now watching, but then I forgot to watch that new thought that arose, but then I caught myself, and stood besides that, but then the same thought could come up, or perhaps some doubt, and then I would catch when that would happen and then watch again. And then perhaps some doubt: "Is this really what I should be doing? Am I now not trying too hard", and then, once I was about to identify with that idea, then I would catch with my awareness this doubt and what was going on and yet again see it as the process of the mind to distract myself from being aware. And this concerns the moment that I'm meditating.

Thought loops that are also very common for me is, whenever I lay down much: Should I go up and do something now? And then I judge that thought as my mind trying to distract myself, so then getting up doesn't seem like all an good idea anymore, but that temptation is still somewhere, so like that  go into a loop of doubt? "should I get up or not and do something now?". Also a difficult thing with it is that there are no clearly defined boundaries of when is the right moment to go and do something or not. It's never clear. What I do know however, is that this has not been a problem before in the past, and it wll not be a problem again in the future. The thing I should be aware of is the judgement about it; a vital element. The judgement and doubt about that whatsoever you are doing would be a good idea. doubt, judgement, uncertainty. That is the one and only thing I really need to be aware of, because all other things I try to be aware of is really an attempt to achieve something, which is simply the mind, the doer. Maybe a more advanced stage of it than someone who isn't even ever aware of his/her thoughts, but still the doer is active, not the witness. No, the key point is never "what", it is "how". But you keep on forgetting so easily.

And now... the tendency for identification with thoughts seemed to have  increased again, but I don't sense despair anymore. Just the usual mind who likes to keep attempting things and keeps on making you forget about that other dimension. I shouldn't get identified with this as a "phase" as such, because tomorrow yet again can be different. And it has been very different lately. And there is really nothing I can say to myself of something that I can do or not: The goose is in or out. The world doesn't make sense anymore again, but it doesn't have to. What else can I say than just... Go along with whatever is happening; mind-identification or not, awareness or not, alertness or not, doing or being. There is no technique, no strategy, I can only simply go along. Simply go along. Simply go along...

30-04-18

Today I got a message from the woman I wanted to set up a sex date with (paid one, more focused on sensation aswell, not merely sex). She said she wanted a good physical match also, and she said she liked the way I looked except for my beard. She wasn't fond of beards, she said. I found this a strange response. For a woman who is getting paid to do this and who gave me the impression that the sensual experience has more significance, thus me concluding she is more focused on the inner dimension, it seems rather strange that she would have doubts of meeting because of this beard. It seems like such a superficial thing to get rejected by. Now she hasn't rejected yet, and I have replied with a calculated response (whilst not trying to get too obsessed about it), to which she still has to reply to. But I found this strange... Even though it may not be relevant and she does have in general have a sort of resentment towards beards, I wonder if the unkempt appearance of it makes a difference.

It got me thinking about hygienics. What difference does it make for other people. Personally, I'm so far gone into the inner world that this whole outer sensory hygienics thing has more or less lost it's meaning to me. I brush my teeth only every few days, usually once or twice a week. I shower even less, and when I clean I usually use a washing glove. I am however self-conscious and aware of smells that I spread out, so I use some deodorant once in a while when I feel like that is appropiate. Often times I simply forget that his hygienic thing even exists, until someone makes a remark or I feel too warm and sweaty in my clothing after exertion. But then somehow I get overly self-conscious about it at that point, which is strange. I forget all too often, but when I do remember that I haven't done anything about my hygienics in quite a while or that I really smell, I for some reason get overly self-conscious about it, which seems strange. It's just that i'm not really concerned about it as far as myself is concerned, but I am concerned about it when I suddenly realize other people can notice it.

I understand smell can be disturbing, but what about a messy appearance? I often go around with an unkempt beard and hair. What do people, and women I would want to go out with in particular, think of me when I appear like that? Why does this whole thing of cleanliness and hygienics mean so much to them? The western world may have taken it too far, but still I want to know where I am wrong here, where I have gone too far to the other extreme. I can blame and judge other people for being too unbalanced, but where should I take a good look at myself here?

First I want to know how other people can be affected by it, in what ways they can be disturbed by a lack of cleanliness and hygienics. Smell I understand, but what about appearance? If I have a messy beard and hair, then what of it they can find repulsive? In what way is it objectable?

I suppose it can mean a lack of respect for them. That it exclaims that I am not willing to acknowledge their need for their environment to be clean and orderly. It may say to them that I'm too selfish, too unconcerned and unsympathic with other people. They may also have an idea with it that someone with a bad taste for hygienics is of lower status, which still stems mainly from the past in which people of a higher class were well-groomed and kept and people of a lower status were filthier. Status could be another thing.

My mother is also one who likes cleanliness. She had once exclaimed that a house that's cleaned up gives her a feeling of calmth and peace. Now I have difficulty sensing this personally, since I simply don't pay attention to it, but I can take her feedback of it. It can give a sense of calmth and peace. Maybe the same with a person: A well-kept person can give a sense of well-being, I suppose. Personally never felt it like this, but it can be so for other people.

Still, there is a lot to remark about the general obsession people have about cleanliness and hygienics in the west, but I don't only want to point fingers and look at myself. I found myself going too easy into this judging mindset of: "Oh people don't like the way I look? Well screw them! They are not the right kind of people for me to hang out with anyways! They can't see past the surface! They are superficial!". And I would condemn them and meanwhile praise myself for having values that lend towards looking at people beyond the veil of their appearance, trying to appreciate them on a deeper level.

But really what I'm doing here is forsaking personal responsibility here on areas where I could've taken feedback and learned something. Whilst there is something to criticize about what woman who said she didn't liky my beard, I simultaneously am also becoming aware of the fact that my messy beard and hairstyle are in fact a certain reaction against the ideas of society that people should be neat and orderly. Yes, that's also a thing. My messy style shows a rebellion against the neat and orderly ways of society, and when people see this messy style they may make a connection to me being irresponsible, lazy, unstructured, unreliable... And these associations are correct aswell! Because those behaviours are aswell a reaction against the opposite ways of society. It has grown to be a part of my identity. So I feel like my appearance can tell much more about me than just the way I like to present myself physically. It shows a certain rebellion against orderliness, against structure, against systematization, against rigidity. And people who identify with these values, are bound to not like me because my appearance shows a rebellion against it, including many women (particularly if you meet them online, where mind is much more active). But my ways are nothing but a reaction aswell. Because I have identifed with the opposite, my ways are not free either. I am not having this unkempt beard so much because I like it so much (the unkemptness not perse, the beard in general I do), but because somewhere I like the rebellion against the orderliness of most of western society today. The identification is certainly still there.

If I want to be free and grow, I have to disidentify with this reaction against orderliness and rigidity aswell, and simply start acting through my own intent; orderly or not, clean or not. But I do not want to keep acting out of a reaction.

May 20th

Not sure if I felt like writing, but i felt like I may aswel try. it's been a while.

It seems like an entry I previously made has disappeared... unfortunate.

Anyways, as Im typing I realize there's nothing I really want to elaborate on.

May 31th

I'm thinking about this situation with this girl I'm seeing at the day activity program for people with autism which I'm participating in.

Let me explain the situation. i've been going there for a bit over 2 months now, and there's a group of around 8 people my age, all with a form of autism, where we do various day activities. Sometimes I work with this particular girl, who does seem to be into me, but i'm actually not quite sure how to go about it.  I don't need to give too may details, but here are some of the fears/doubts I have:

- Does she actually like me or am I just imagining it? I don't want to embarass myself by pretending like it's on.

- I don't want to mess things up by taking too much risk. I sometimes feel like I rather have nothing happening at all than that I mess things up by taking too much risk and doing something stupid and ruining it altogether, making the rest of our time there pretty awkward aswell.

- Is it the right time for me to show interest (back) and flirt with her? I wonder if I need to wait and get a bit more grounded. I wonder if I need to get a bit more detached from this situation.

- I'm really not comfortable with repaying her attention by giving as much attention back, or even flirting. Honestly, I'm just too afraid to take on such a persona. I feel like I'm not emotionally adapted to carry a flirtatious personality.

I wonder how I should go about this. There is once again so many perspectives and ideas I could have about this, about what is bad and good. I think I will talk about it with my mother this evening.

1st october 2018

Been a while. For sure. If you ask me what happened... Just life I guess. Nothing overly positive, nothing overly negative.

There's something I'd like to go into right now. I'd like to write now for the sake of an inquiry. I notice that I'm right now at a point where I'm laying in my bed still rather often, and now there's this feeling of just not feeling like not doing anything and being with my discontent and boredom. A certain resistance. Now the question I have to myself right now is: How do I let go of this? How do I let go of this resistance? I actually took a walk prior to writing this piece of text, and I noticed I couldn't figure it out, or at least arrive at a point of what I needed to be dong at this particular moment. Simply no clear thought or insight. This was new to me. I recall that it always used to be so that everytime in the past when I took a walk and really started thinking and pondering deeply upon a matter, the thoughts would simply flow and be very sharp and often creative new insights and perspectives would pop up. I now felt like I didn't have that. There was actually a point a week prior to this or so where I did the same pondering upon th same thing and the same lack of a refreshing perspective happened, but then I just wrote it away as me having reached a point where thinking has become futile, or where I would perhaps need something like a psychedelic to reach a new insight. That was my conclusion then, but seeing as it has not really left me, I now start to wonder if I simply have not lost my ability to think really sharply and clearly, to be able to dissect and analyze with great clarity, efficienty and creativity.

That's why I decided to instead of thinking about it, which didn't seem like it was going to work, that instead I would type it out. I've done this once before. The clue is that you allow yourself to be silent when there are no thoughts or ideas running, and just wait for something to come. Just see how far it can bring you, don't force anything, and when you've reached the end of where the line of your thoughts can take you at this moment, then you simply stop.

So let's begin. What's the situation, what's the so-called problem? The problem, if we are allowed to call it that way, is that I often feel this sort of background feeling of resistance to not doing anything at all and laying. It's not really as much as it used to be before where I often felt like I wanted to escape it, but more like I am able to do it now, but I'm just bored and not feeling like it. It's just this sense of "not feeling like it". Like, you're able to do it, but you feel rather dull and lack a decisive and clear intent to do it. You just kind of do it out of "whatever", simply because you know you can't fill up every gap. An attempt to surrender, but not an attempt that is whole-hearted and fully committed to face every possible consequence that it may bring, or at least the consequences that seem wise to face.

So it's basically a half-assed intent, a lack of alignment. One part of me understands the necessity to face the inevitable, as I know I can not escape this nothingness by distractions forever, it is something that is waiting there for me and remaining there whether I distract myself or not. So how do I align? Is there really any other possibility or viewpoint than simply aligning myself to what I know to be inevitable? Is there really any other way to deal with this situation at hand besides aligning myself into the no-doingness that would not cause unnecessary suffering? Is there really even an alternative, even if it would seem somewhat far-fetched? I can think of filling up my days with activities, getting myself jobs ar applying to be a guinea pig at medical research facilities, or hanging out with friends, or walking or going places and visiting cultural amenites, or doing shit on the internet, or doing whatever other people do to keep themselves busy, and none of these are even bad in itself, but even though I certainly permit myself to pursue any of these occupations, and I probably will, I still am aware of the fact that there will inevitably always be moments when I will have to encounter no-doingness. Can I even realisticly say that there's any possibility at all where keeping myself occupied to an extent that I would be able to avoid no-doingness (at least when no-doingness is uncomfortable), where I would be better off than just face the boring side of no-doingness? I am even open to the possibility that sometimes it is a good idea to occupy myself and actually just escape no-doingness if it at times may feel intolerable. I've done that before, and certainly at the time it did feel like the best option for me to partake in. Even though I was aware that I was escaping and certainly not acting out of a positive inspiration or motivation, I knew I simply didn't at that time have the capacity of facing no-doingness, so I aligned myself and accepted that I needed an occupation and distraction.

And now, I still sometimes make effort to occupy myself with certain activities, sometimes even more or less as an escape, but sometimes I do refuse to follow up an idea because it does feel to much like an escape. It really depends on the context and my intuitive feelings about the situation at hand which decides whether I agree with an escape or not. Perhaps if I do decide to do it it may be so because it doesn't feel as an escape at that moment.

I notice that writing feels good, because I notice that once again my thoughts begin to flow again, whereas during the walk they felt stagnated and they didn't seem to get me anywhere. Now I seem to be able to think a lot more detailed and comprehensive. I start to like where this is going.

So as far as my current situation is concerned: There's

There's actually something really interesting happening. As soon as I get to the point where I'm like: "Okay let's see how to fix this problem that I have right now", I then notice that the flow gets interrupted. Then suddenly the flow stops, and I notice I have to contact this sense of no-mind within my head (whatever that is), to center myself again.

I think I'm starting to understand what's happening. I'm waiting for the big epiphany to occur that would transform me. Some kind of big insight that would suddenly throw me into peace. But more than that, I'm also not accepting of this no-doingness because I feel like this is going to disappear and change somehow. At least, I somewhere have the feeling that in the future my life will become more exciting due to me perhaps going to the United States, or starting a music career, or me having some reason to be engaged and fully occupied in something, as to where this uncomfortable no-doingness would disappear or at least become a lot less common. I'm waiting for some kind of dream or ambition to be fulfilled, or at least in the process of fulfilling it so I have an occupation, I can be busy and engaged. And that's why I may be kind of accepting this uncomfortable no-doingness at times, but not really embracing it with complete intent. It's because I somewhere have the feeling that this will not last and things will get more comfortable and happier in the future, once I start traveling or once I start a music career, and this uncomfortable no-doingness will start to become irrelevant.

Now I think I start to understand what's going on, why I feel this low-grade feeling of resistance. It's relieving to become aware of this.

So let's question this. What may actually happen in the future? Would this idea be true? That having a music career or some powerful ambition would obliterate (the dull part of) the no-doingess? Well, has it so far in my life turned out that there was ever some form of engagement that I have never been able to let go of and has not eventually thrown me back into no-doingness? Well? I think the answer to this is clear. Whilst it may be true that perhaps for the past few years I've been through a phase of relative a strong amount of inactivity and inertia, and that now there's a good chance that a much more active and ambitious phase is coming up, it has so far never turned out that boring and dull no-doingness has not occured throughout a longer period in my life. I do remember phases where perhaps this was not the case, but then instead it was replaced with stress. I can also perhaps in the future replace this dullness (we'll just call it dullness for ease) for stress, but would that really be so much better? Great, now the dullness becomes stress. Good job. Now instead of feeling dull and deflated you're under constant tension, stress and anxiety. I do know there's a possibility for a positive, happier phase to occur alongside the more active phase, but that will not last forever too.

The point is, whatever I do not like about how things are now will be the same attitude I carry into the future if I do not address this basic attitude. Whatever discontent is there now due to my lack of surrender to it, will be the same discontent in the future if I still have not surrendered to what is at that exact moment. I must accept that how life is now is simply how it is, whether there is dullness or discontent or whatever. This is what life is. And if the attitude is not changed, the future will carry with it the same discontent as you feel now whatever the specific manifestion of the discontent mat be, it will be so at least in the end.

My advice to myself will be: Whatever may happen in the future, whether it will turn out to be eventful, big, and engaging or not, in the end the fact is that whatever resistance patterns I carry with me right now that makes life more uncomfortable, the exact same thing will be the case in the future if you do not address it. Discontent will then, in the end (after the high of the dream subsides), simply be the same (or even worse as it backfires). If it is true that I would have a very succesful, eventful and engaging future ahead, then it really does not mean shit for my inner success and spiritual growth if I have not improved upon my relationship with the present moment.

So let go of this "future will be better" idea. The future will NOT be better for sure if you expect outer circumstances in your life to change to something that seems more romantic and desireable, if that's all that changed and not your relationship to the present moment, to what you encounter here and now. Wherever you go, there you are. Remember that. Really get it into your head. You will not feel more contented until you let go of a future vision and simply deal with what's right here right now. Whatever envisionment you have about a more prosperous future which you attach yourself to, whether it's on the inner our outer level, is mere distraction. Remember that clearly. All desires for future circumstances to change is mere distraction from the essential work that needs to be done, right now.

3rd October 2018

For some reason I felt this strong sense of emptiness and hollowness returning regarding the lack of much activity in my life. It is this rather loathsome feeling regarding moments where I have absolutely no content in my life. I've had this feeling a couple of times before, and it can be quite overwhelming, where I simply feel that I HAVE to do some things! It makes me want to have more content and activities in my life on a structural basis, and perhaps also something like an ambition and goal I can occupy myself with, more than anything else.

Once again I started to despair just a little bit again, and then it occured to me: I can simply write down whatever possibilities I have, whatever options there are, and what I would need to do for them to get there. I think the main issue is that I do not really have a clear vision and mission in my life. And if I doubt whether I want pursue an option or not, which was really the main issue (the doubt), I can just write out the doubt I have here. I don't seem to be able to clarify what I want to do by just walking and thinking about it now. For some reason, it seems that writing is necessary for me to really clarify it for myself. I can also, if I choose so, take out Tony Robbins "Awaken the giant within" for proper goal setting strategies. I can type a whole lot of shit out, brainstorm a lot, think a lot about ways in which way I want or could change my life around, and see what needs to be done for it.

So what I can simply do is type it out. What could I be doing? What options are there? What do I need to be doing to get there? Am I willing to do it? What's the possible fear and hesitation about? Am I willing to make certain sacrifices? Am I willing to take certain risks and face possible or even certain adversity? Do I consider it to be worth it? Is it worthwhile pursuing? Do I need to plan for it? Does it require a structure? Is the change drastic or relatively minor? Do I need to take action for it now or later?

One thing I do want to remember is that it's important that it's about the actions you take, and not that you hold onto your plan. Plans may change. Desires may change. Ideas may change. I know all of this very clearly. I know it is very possible to have a certain goal or ambition I want to work for and then that it changes all in an instant and I don't want to do it anymore, and I feel like just lazing around again. And you know what? That is totally fine! As long as not one part of me wants to keep doing things and the other part wants to relax. At least I should not be split. I expect no goal or ambition to be interesting me forever, and I should not try to hold on to it. I should not judge myself for quitting something, I should only judge myself for not (re)starting something I felt like I should have been doing (I really shouldn't judge myself at all, but just as a manner of speaking).

Some Tony Robbins reading would probably be a good idea. But I must be aware that I do not get overwhelmed with all these possibilities that he showcases in his book.

But typing it out can also apply for not necessarily longer term ambitions but just doubts or hesitations you have in general for things you want to perhaps change in your life. One example is this: I know this guy at the day activity program for people with diagnosed autism that I'm still taking part in, and I really like this guy (no homo). He has a good sense of humor, he is a very sensitive person, and I see in him a great spiritual heart or aura (whatever that means). It was the first time I've actually witnessed that before on a person  met personally. I like to become friends with him, but I'm quite unsure as to how. I have been waiting and searching for perhaps an oppurtunity to occur where it would be spontaneous within the context to ask him to go and do something. I have difficulties just making regular friends, you see, so I didn't feel like I really wanted to ask him to "just hang out" without other people around. It somehow feels like I'm just being weird like that to me, even though I see other people doing exactly the same, it still feels when I would do that I would be acting weird. I never was really good at bonding with people on a personal level, so it feels odd and unfamiliar to me to be taking action towards this, and I wasn't really sure if I was "ready" for it to start asking that. I felt like perhaps I needed to wait a little bit longer until I felt like the time was right. Now I had found an oppurtunity where perhaps I could invite him to guide me with the guitar on an open mic night where I would sing (since we're both quite into music). I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that, but  had asked him if he perhaps would be open to that (without making an appointment or agreement that it would happen). He said that perhaps he would like to do that.

Now I'm thinking... Perhaps I can not only invite him to do that, but also propose something like taking a walk or something like that. Or ask him to learn me to play guitar. Actually trying to bond. I find it a bit awkward and weird, and especially if I attempt to be the initiator of it. I know it's probably not weird for other people to start friendships like this, but for me it is. I'm not familiar with it and it has never been my strong point: bonding and personal connections.

But my feeling is that I do have to ask him. There is something I'm afraid of though which is why I haven't asked him so far. I have the fear that if I would propose it and it would turn out to just be really awkward and weird where things wouldn't work out, then I would potentially ruin any chances of making a friendship and also just making it awkward for the rest of the time we would be seeing each other at the program.

But I know this probably isn't really much of a rational fear. Let's say what I fear does happen, though. I fuck it up, as to speak in a very simplistic manner, and things do get awkward for us two and we never restore this awkwardness ever again and never become friends and never see each other again after the program is over. let's say this does happen. So what? Is this really so bad? Then I would miss out on some bonding oppurtunity and a potential to share lots of fun together, and a potential to help and guide him in his life when he would need it (which I feel I really could if I provide him the right advice and resources at the right time). But if it fails, so what? I would be a bit more lonely, but is that all that bad? What could that loneliness do for me on the positive side? It could inspire me to try to make friendships through other ways. Or it could inspire me to go in deeper to find a sense of connection within myself. It could throw away attachments I had to this idea of our connection making our (or at least mine) life better in some way. It could throw me more into focusing onto the present moment. At least I know for a fact that when suffering arises, and the situation does not feel acceptable anymore, there will open up new ways and possibilities for me to change it around. it forces me to get more proactive and creative.

That being said: Let's send him a message. I think it's best for me to propose a day in the upcoming weekend, asking him if perhaps we want to practice a song, if we want to take a walk, and if perhaps he would like to teach me how to play guitar. I don't want to replace him as my guitar teacher though; I don't want to have that intent. I want to take guitar lessons, to give reference. There is still uncertainty, doubt, fear and awkwardness involved in me asking him this, but I do feel like I really should try though. I know nothing can truly go wrong, even if it becomes a big fuckup. At least then I learned not to relate, and then a consequent meeting with possibly another person I will then (hopefully) not make the same mistake, if it were to be a mistake at all. I'm just telling this to give myself some encouragement to actually do it.

October 4th

I'm starting to feel this need for me to be challenged. I am however split, though. Part of me would like to stay relaxed and not feel this need to be challenged. Part of me views this need to be challenged as "unnecessary struggle". Part of me think I want challenge for challenge's sake. Or in other words: that I want struggle for struggle's sake. That's how it feels to me for some part.

October 6th.

I intend to do another psychedelic mushroom ceremony, just by myself. (ah yes I've done one a month ago) I want some questions to be answered, or at least I want to ask them and see if a response comes. I must take note that these answers may not necessarily represent what is actually true, and it is possible for my mind to hijack my perception where it makes me think that the answers come from a higher source, whilst in reality they are simply a representative of my fears. This is a possibility, but that does not mean that thoughts that I really fear to be true have to be dismissed per se, because they could actually be true. It could be mind games, it could be a truth from a higher source, or both.

What I would like to ask to the universe during this trip is this:

Is it necessary to consciously create suffering for yourself in order to grow, or is in reality only suffering necessary as a by-product for resistance patterns you encounter during your growth, or deepening of awareness? Are there moments when when it is wise for suffering to be consciously created as its main goal, not as a by-product.

This is what I'm asking. Suffering is obviously something that pretty much anyone fears, but the question is whether or not it needs to be amplified for its own sake regarding your growth. And if the answer would be yes, then where would we set the limit? The point where we simply feel we don't have the strength to go on anymore? This is not a new question. I've been a masochist before, and I've had this attitude of pushing myself as far as I can possibly go before, sometimes simply for suffering's sake it seemed. Whilst I don't want to be a masochist, I also don't like to be a coward. I however understand that it's very easy for the ego to take you over on this matter. Because if you do persist in doing something, even if it hurts a lot, it gives you a sense of power. And you may doubt, but you may say that the doubt is something you need to go past, something to ignore. You may feel like you need a sense of dedication. You can use statements like: "You need to burn up your personal will, so why not do it as quickly as possible?"

The counterargument is: Do you really need to choose to suffer? Can you be gentle towards yourself? Or, if you do choose to be very committed to something, then does it have to be so for suffering's sake? Can suffering sometimes simply not be a by-product if something you know you should be doing, instead of being so hard for yourself and generating as much as suffering possible for yourself?

This is for me such a difficult matter to answer. I notice that I would rather avoid suffering at this point in my life than to seek it out, but I also notice that sometimes I tend to slack somewhat and get somewhat apathetic. Certainly there's not as much intensity. Is this a bad thing per se? Maybe not. There is certainly always phases I'm going through. I just wish life could be both be effortless and progressive. I would like to be able to grow without so much backlash of... Well maybe pain is okay but not this additional dimension of suffering through psychological tension. I know pain has to be absolutely accepted as a factor of life, but does the idea that suffering would be necessary as something to be chosen or inevitably encountered aswell?

Taken an example... about 10 days ago or so, or whenever it was, I went to the beach whilst feeling quite distressed, and I already thought about running into the river to let the cold have me some sort of initiation, and the getting back out. I've had this before, where I actually did it (and it was a quite a bit colder), and after that I felt relieved that it was over with, but it was coupled with a lot of psychological tension aswell. The tension is that I'm in fact very confused about whether I should do something like that or not, because such an action would seem to confirm to me that it is necessary to create suffering for yourself intentionally. The psychological tension is coupled with a lot of hesitation, confusion, uncertainty. A large part of this is the question: "is this necessary?". Of course, a good part is also the fear of the discomfort of doing such a thing. But it is also the matter of... if I do this, then should I do more? Should I seek out more pains? More ways to get uncomfortable? Do more things that are very uncomfortable?

I also took an ice bath during a festival a bit over a month ago. But here there was not so much hesitation or anxiety or confusion, because this was guided, it was a ceremony. We were also being physically prepared, but still the fact that it was a guided event makes it different to the psychological system. It then doesn't require this very tense, willful mindset in order for you to do it.

Whether or not it would be necessary for you to create situations of suffering for yourself for which you have to show a certain tense willfulness and rocklike attitude, certainly it can be witnessed that there is indeed this sense to psychological tension. It is not a choice that flows out of a certain understanding beyond the mind, or at least not primarily so if there is so much of this tension and anxiety within you. This much can be confirmed. This does however not answer the question if it is in fact necessary at some time to indeed show this willful act.

But if we are aware of this dynamic, that the ego can get involved with this sense of "must do this" in order to feel stronger and more powerful, can we choose to not believe it, and then it ceases to be true? I've just looked up a video from Eckhart Tolle when he was talking about this, and he does in fact say that pain is necessary until we choose to believe that it is not. This is of course not my own answer, not my own experience.

One question that can be asked though is: Why hurry? Perhaps it would be true that it would burn up the personal will faster so you can get to your core faster. That is considering it would be ultimately true that thinking that you don't need it would simply be an illusion. But does that mean it would be better that way? That's another question.

Irregardless of all my talk, I still feel this itch to do something heroic. I feel this itch to when I'm at the river or lake, to go into it for the sake of feeling heroic and empowered because of it. In fact, I feel some itch to in fact do this during my psychedelic trip, so that it would feel even more like some sort of initiation ritual. But then the question is: Where do I draw the limit? How heroic should my action be? Isn't the most heroic thing to do to actually risk my life in some way? That would feel the most empowering to my sense of self. If I'm able to gamble with my death, then imagine how empowered I would feel if I actually manage to come out of it alive? It feels great to... What I feel to be the ego. If I actually were to do something like that, then it would feel as if it would be some ultimate proof that I'm not a coward, and I would feel much more reassured that I'm not going to waste my life because I'm a very courageous person.

Thank god I actually have the intelligence to perceive that doing some heroic isn't necessarly the best choice of action

October 7th

I leave trains of thought unfinished. I was not done with yesterday's monologue for instance, but right now I have new thoughts which I would like to express.

I'm thinking about this sense of openness and readiness I would need to require when I would start new jobs or studies. I may not in the end find the particular thing I was looking for, but I do not want to keep on searching for that one thing that strikes me out of the blue, and instead develop an attitude of openness and willingness to commit myself to any job, study or occupation I choose to do. I want to develop this because I find it important that I learn to skill in the first place. If I hesitate, wonder and question too much, I will get too much stuck in my head again and I won't create the necessary grounding in experience and action that I do need, because I do tend to get stuck in my mind with wondering and questioning a lot. If I simply can get myself to do things sometimes even for the sake of just doing it, getting over it, and doing the damn thing, even if it's not the "right thing", I feel like this can be tremendously valuable skill to learn. This is not to say to not search for it a little bit, but at some point a choice has to be made. I want to learn not only the ability to make a decision on something which is based on the longer term, but also to commit to that decision or at least not question it all the way through. It is even okay to change your plans, but as you're doing it, at least do it fully and if you suddenly your appetite changes to an extent that it can not be denied, then you can always switch things up. But simply creating this sense of willingness, shutting off the doubting and thinking mind, can be a very valuable lesson to learn I feel. It is the learning of getting out of the mind by doing something you could question, yet not questioning it and simply doing it mindlessly. It is the learning of cessation of doubt and confusion by making a decision, and sticking with that decision. But it doesn't have to be very tense kind of "I must do this" attitude. You can partake with a more gentle attitude towards it. It doesn't need to be maintained at every cost, but you also don't want to question it all the way through. It does not need to become a fight against doubt, it is more just seeing the point that all this doubt and hesitation isn't going to work for you, and once you see that point, you can still do whatever. you don't even need to force yourself to do the thing. But quit questioning it, and do (or don't) whatever you're supposed to do, whatever that means.

Furthermore —another topic now— I notice that I tend to sometimes hold on to a sense of presence. For instance when I go take a walk where I very intentionally and willfully try to maintain to stay present. I notice that doing it like that can get you a little bit tense after a while, so then I go to the other opposite and just forget about the whole thing altogether and drown myself in certain distractions. I want to be able to find a good middleground, where I'm neither trying to maintain it forcefully, and I'm not also slacking off altogether. It seems so easy in theory: Just be aware of whatever is going on, including thought patterns like this. But theory and practice can differ hugely. Effortless awareness is something that somehow seems so difficult to... connect with. Either it seems to become quite involved with a lot of effort, which I know I can't maintain for too long, or I give up the whole thing and become dreamy again, which won't work for eternally either. I wonder where I can find the golden middleground, where I'm aware of whatever is going on, but I don't try to hold on to this notion of being aware.

For instance, if I'm a bit more dreamy and then I suddenly notice that I was dreamy and not so present and aware, then how do I deal with that without judgement? in fact, how do I view this situation, not as a technique, but what is the attitude I take toward this realization that is in accordance to truth?

So I slack off, get a little bit dreamy, lose my intensity to be present, and then realize that I was dreamy and did lose my intensity. How to regard this realization? Maybe the bigger question is: If I lose my intensity or drive to stay present, is there even a possibility at that moment to amp up my intensity of awareness without creating this tense, judgemental and compulsive attitude around it? I find that very hard to reconcile. It seems to me that it's a "either you have it or you don't" situation. If you're dreamy, and then suddenly you're aware of it, is there then a possibility to become a little bit more alert, and maintain that, without judging yourself that you were dreamy? To me it seems rather impossible, because it creates the judgement that it is better to be alert than to be dreamy, so it seems to create this kind of clinging to this sense of alertness. And whatever you try to cling to, you will lose.

When you can be aware, however, is the very moment you realize you were not aware or conscious. In every moment you realize this you are already conscious. You can also become conscious of the fact that now you may be trying to maintain it by focusing on the breath for instance. But should it be attempted to be maintained? I feel like this whole attitude of trying to maintain is this sort of grasping, and then you get in conflict with yourself because you get frustrated that you can't hang onto it.

So if we conclude that trying to maintain or hang onto it doesn't work, then what shift in attitude or perception should we make? For me, it intuitively seems to be correct when I say that there is nothing wrong or bad in being a little bit dreamy. Paradoxically, if you truly would reconcile with that fact it would be a cessation of the psychological conflict you create around "needing to be present and conscious". But it's quite hard to accept that, because you —or your mind— would like to do something, would like to act, would like to strive for something. It would be easier in a way if this was the way you could actually become more conscious. But to become more conscious simply means you see whatever is there without judging it. So this includes your desire to be more conscious, because if you judge awareness as good and dreaminess as bad, then you create tension whenever you realize you were dreamy, and then you try to hold on to what you thought it meant to be aware or conscious. And maybe alertness or focus isn't even being truly conscious. Maybe that's simply what's called "concentration", and would be something that would be of the mind.

What can i truly do? What options do I truly have? I would like to be able to hold on to something, to create some kind of practice for myself, and I do think there are appropriate moments when you can go out for a walk a be very attentive and focused to whatever movements you're making, or focusing on your breath, but that is simply as a counterbalance to sometimes being more dreamy and/or lazy (since actually, being dreamy isn't necessarily being lazy. You can also for instance be very attentively involved in wathcing a youtube video for instance).

Can we say it is bad to be engaged in thought patterns, or be engaged in some sort of activity and to forget the perceiving consciousness? Or a better question is: Does it help at all for you to be wanting it to be different? Does it help at all to try to focus on trying to be aware of your breath or your body, if this comes forth out of a certain judgement that forgetting the perceiver is a bad thing, and that being aware of yourself is a good thing? Does it help to say that I should hold on to this sense of self-awareness? Is there any experiential indication that it is a good thing to try to be focused and aware of something other than the activity you're engaged in with your full attention, other than what I have read and mentally interpreted? If we discard everything that I've ever learned, and simply go by personal experience, can I then say that it would indeed be a better idea to try to be aware of breath, body or sense perception if this creates a subtle sense of tenseness within me? The answer is obvious: No. If I enjoy getting lost in whatever activity I am doing, and the notion of trying to remember myself only creates tension, then why should I even attempt that?

One definition of truth I once heard was this: That which works. That is the simplest and most concise definition you can imagine about it, and it hits it straight on the head. If self-rememberance turns into a technique and therefore judgement (because something must be done), then it won't work. Perhaps one day if I all let this go it will occur spontaneously and the judgement will be gone, and also the sense to hold onto it, but even then what's the point of saying this is some kind of virtue or accomplishment? if it someday occurs naturally without you needing to hold onto it or remember it, spontaneously, naturally, then so what? Should you then really tell yourself that now you've achieved something great? Once you do that, you will try to hold onto it and the spontaneity will be killed, and the psychological tension will return.

It seems very difficult sometimes, but I need to let go of this notion that things are supposed to go a certain way, that I have failed if things go one way, and I succeed that things go another way. The truth is, I'm on this ball of rock floating in space in the middle of perhaps infinity, experiencing a perspective in which sense perceptions, feelings, and random clouds of thoughts appear, and if you simply look at the vastness, complexity of it all, and even the very absurdity that we're here at all, then what is to be said about what is really good and bad? If you really look at the complexity on how things evolve, learn, grow... If you really look at the deeper implications of how evolution takes place, how life unfolds, then you see that the complexity goess so deep that it's completely incomprehensible. Can I simply admit to the fact that the greatness and complexity of this existence is so great that the human mind is completely powerless as to grasp it? Can I admit that I do not know whatever needs to be done? Can I admit that it cannot and never will be made sense of on the level of the mind? Can I go back to this state of not-knowingness? It's scary because a technique will still give you the sense that there's something you can work for, that there is a certain way or path you can walk on if you want it, but if you truly don't know, you don't even really know if there's such a thing as liberation. It becomes such a mindfuck that because of that reason I decide to stop typing at all right now.

October 17th

Past week was interesting. I found myself having the capacity at some point to say the word "stop" whenever compulsory tendencies to do something wanted to creep up, and it cut off the momentum off my mind and released some energy, and after this process, I could for some time feel like I wasn't identified with my thought process whatsoever anymore, like I could just see it and not have to anything to do with it on a personal level. i already understood this intellectually, but now it hit a deeper level than it had before. It didn't last forever, though. Eventually it wavered and I was then simly trying to say "stop" now as a technique as I had remembered, but that was not the same.

But the thing I now really wanted to talk about are these questions that I have... Really, it's a certain longing for something which I had not been able to identify so I thought maybe the best way to get there was through asking questions. I intend to perhaps once again do a magic mushrrom ceremony and intend to answer these questions durng the ceremony. These are some of the question I had that I formulated for myself yesterday:

What is the next phase in my life, or next phases, and what is required to get there?

Why is there suffering in the deepest sense? Elaboration: Why is the construct of existence as such that suffering and pain is a thing, whilst if the universe would be infinitely intelligent, then why the need for this construct where pain and suffering would be required for us to thrive and grow? Why just not float in bubbles of bliss from the very start?

What does it mean to fully, FULLY let go. What is the resistance about in the first place?

And I made a remark that perhaps there were some emotions that wanted to be expressed

 

reflecting upon it, I think what I'm looking for is a sense of connection with existence. I feel rather alienated, disconnected. I have no convincing aesthethic sense that I am one of a bigger whole. I feel much like a seperate construct, doing things on his own, figuring out things on his own... I don't feel much of an emotional connection to the world around me. And that is somewhat frustrating. I want to be able to be more emotionally involved in the world, existence and other people. I feel disconnected in that way and I want to experience a sense of union.

Still, the initial goal I had set for myself was to see if I was able to fully let go of the stories of the mind, then at that point I would have achieved everything I felt I truly needed. I am not at that point, but I wonder if reaching that ideal would be... Sufficiently satisfactory as to not set out the goal to experience the unity with existence.

If we can talk about a goal at all. That is really the question. I know my reasons to choose for life, so if it would just stay at a place of no-mind, but not heartfelt emotions and connection, would that be sufficient? Is it wrong to say that I want to aim for more? Does that get me too attached to emotions whilst the idea is to detach from them? But to be fair, it sounds more reasonable to allow my emotions to surface before trying to detach from it. Because right now, what emotions to detach from?

But is it wrong for me to say that I want to try to experience a more deeper emotional and connected life? To make that a certain... goal, I suppose. Maybe this is also a question to add to the ones I had already for myself.

Is it wrong for me to say that I want to try to experience a more deeper emotional and connected life? Or should my intention be to detach from it?