Wednesday January 15th to Thursday January 16th

Let's talk a bit about suicide and suicidality, shall we?

I had wanted to write an essay about this and post it here on the actualized.org forums, but I have forsaken that plan, at least for now, because I had both lost the inspiration to write that essay any further (I had already started it), and it also felt to be a bit more controversial and intense than I really felt comfortable with. It simply didn't feel right to post it. The insights and arguments I used in that essay, and the way I was going to convery them, can be very frightening to certain people because I addressed there some of the worst and darkest human fears, and also one of the greatest taboos and collective delusions. The final conlusion, however, is a hopeful and positive one.

I'm going to talk about it now anyway, so buckle up and read it at your own risk, or otherwise just don't read it at all. I'm not going to be as provocative or intense as I was going to be in that essay, though.

Okay

Sometimes I read these stories of people having suffered from major depressive episodes, and/or forms of anxiety, and/or all other kinds of mental problems, and having been through a long time of all this sometimes intense suffering, they end up committing suicide.

And when I read something like that, I can't help to wonder why this person allowed him/herself to be in such a position of this state of deep suffering for so many years?

It's one of the things I fail to really grasp about other people: Why are some people willing to encounter massive amounts of suffering and still aren't willing to actually put an end to it for years and years, and sometimes even decades? (It's not essential here whether 'putting an end to it' means suicide or changing their life around)

I can understand it from a superficial intellectual position, but I can't really resonate with the attitude of these kind of people at all. Like really, you've been going through bouts of deep depression and despair for like 10 years straight, and still you don't think that perhaps it's time to make some drastic changes in your life? No? 10 years of torment still isn't sufficient enough? Need some more? 

Well, you'll get more. What else do you expect to happen? Do you think some miracle will take place in your life and overnight all of this suffering will be miraculously abolished? You're not Eckhart Tolle!

It perplexes me...

I understand what these people are doing though. Most likely they are addicted to some or many forms of distraction so that they do not have to face their own emotions and their fears. They avoid the existential yet rather necessary questions that they would need to ask to themselves if they truly want to put a stop to their suffering, because asking those questions would mean they would have to confront very frightening possibilities.

So what they do is that they are willing to settle for a long-term terrible life prospect so that they don't have to face some even more intense short-term pain and suffering that comes with confronting your inner demons. 

But of course, if you do gather the courage and confront the demons, it will be your first step out of that nightmare you have found yourself in.

But some people are just too afraid. Ironically, the one thing they truly should fear is their cowardice, because their cowardice is the reason they have found themselves in that position and the reason they will stay stuck in it. From a rational standpoint, there is nothing to be more afraid of for them than their cowardice.

But of course, it's not like many of these people haven't tried to change their lives at multiple points, but they have failed the commitment to stick with it.

You can address multiple reasons to why that has failed, but one way you can put it is that the primary reason that they have failed to commit to changing their lives, is the fact that it wasn't obvious enough to them that they absolutely HAD to.

This is how it all changed for me. When I started having intense panic attacks in early 2013, at some point I started having this very painful but very intense sense of urgency. I realized that if I allowed myself to be a coward for just even a second, then how I was I ever going to have peace with the fact that I had been living life less than what was optimal?

This awareness and this urgency was so clear and so sharp, that awareness that something HAD to be done, that it kind of felt like having a black hole right behind my back and that if I did allow myself to be a coward for even one second, I was going to be sucked up by this black hole, and this black hole would take me straight to the deepest layer of hell.

That's how it felt sometimes back then.

For me it was just very clear (at least so I thought at the time) that there was no rational argument as to why I would allow myself to be controlled by fear, and I didn't see how I was going to forgive myself had I allowed myself to succumb to fear.

On top of that, I also had a strong sense that if I allowed myself to believe in one excuse, then why not the second excuse, or the third excuse? I was using an audio program for overcoming panic attacks at the time in which the guy really emphasized the importance of taking action, and he also told about people who didn't overcome it because they weren't willing to face their fears. I back then had not estimate as to how courageous I really was or wasn't in comparison to other people suffering from anxiety attacks, so I absolutely dreaded the possibility of me failing to live up to the challenge and sliding back into this hell realm that I was struggling to get myself out of. For me, that possibility seemed very real and I wanted to do absolutely everything I possibly could in order to try to prevent that.

Having that been the start of the beginning of my awakening process, I now find it so difficult to understand why other people who from an outer viewpoint appear to be going to similair or even worse struggles, how other people like that do not feel this intense sense of urgency to change.

And so when I see people like that, I can only wonder: Do they not realize? Do they not care enough? Isn't it obvious enough to them?

Those people might say about themselves that they simply lack the willpower, or the courage or whatever. They might even start believing that they're a hopeless case.

But I will say differently: They simply don't understand. It's not clear enough to them.

Because actually, the urgency isn't even so much about needing to improve and change their life around, but it's about putting a stop to all of it, in whatever means possible.

All it takes is one honest moment for such a person and to admit to themselves: This NEEDS to stop. In whatever way possible, this absolutely NEEDS to stop.

And yes, maybe they'll come to the decision that the idea of changing their life around and rising out of their misery isn't worth it for them, or perhaps they may think it's not even possible (for them), and they end up committing suicide.

And you know what? To me, that's absolutely fine.

It's fine because at least they finally made a conscious decision to face death.

To improve your life for the better by working really hard on yourself and to rise out of it is also facing death, and you could argue that perhaps that would be the better decision, but whether it's suicide or dedicated self-actualization, at least they FINALLY, FUCKING FINALLY put a stop to all of it.

You see my sentiment here? If someone puts an end to their torment that may have been going on for years or even decades by committing suicide... Good for them. At least they finally made that decision to face death. All I truly care about for those people is for them to be relieved from their struggle, whatever route they may take to get to that point.

I don't really hold judgement against people who commit suicide. I do feel like there was potential for more for them in this life and in that way it's perhaps a bit unfortunate, but hey, perhaps in a next life they will choose good circumstances to incarnate (if that's actually what happens, idk for sure) and maybe they will give a much better shot at it this time.

 

I don't really like the way people regard suicide as 'tragic'.

Because this whole notion of it being 'tragic' creates such a taboo around this topic, just as there is a taboo about death in general in the west.

One can start feeling very guilty towards their own suicidal feelings because they are both feeling guilty towards themselves for wasting their potential, and towards others (relatives and friends and so forth) for hurting them by that person choosing to commit suicide.

People get conditioned that suicidal feelings are not okay, although people may not directly say it that way to them.

So people hide it, both from others and from themselves.

But just because you're hiding it doesn't mean you become less suicidal.

In fact, the very guilt creates an inner conflict between the death drive within them that wants a release from their suffering on one side, and both their fear of death and the guilt they feel on the other side.

And ironically, because the person starts fighting against the suicidalit feelings and thoughts because they are 'unwished for', the more that person reinforces their guilt, starts creating more inner struggle, making them more miserable, and because they are more miserable, suicide becomes even more attractive as a for of release from it all. In fact, it becomes a form of hope.

Many people are too afraid to fully commit to life because they fantasize about suicide as an option. "If all else fails, I can always still simply end my life".

If you romanticize and put your hopes suicide (even if you do it unconsciously), then how can you expect such a person to really go all-in on life?

It won't happen.

It won't happen because people don't get anywhere if they half-ass something.

Full determination can only happen if the alternative is not considered as an option anymore (actually, this is not true at higher stages of consciousness. But I'd say for most people that that statement is true).

What do you think you are going to achieve if the option of suicide is always in the back of your mind? You will lack devotion, because you are not fully sure of yourself that this is really want you want to be doing.

When I was getting out of my panic attacks in 2013, suicide, for some reason I still don't really know for sure, is just something I didn't even want to consider for a single second. The idea of it just seemed so dreadful, that I couldn't even permit myself a single second of fantasizing on the possibility.

Because of that reason, I HAD to go all-in on life. And therefore, I've gotten to the point I've gotten to now where I've grown tremendously in the past 7 years (although my attitude has shifted quite a bit over the course of these 7 years, but that's a different story)

I understand that not every person automatically has this commitment right from the start. Maybe not everybody sees suicide as something that is not an option for themselves in the way I felt it. Maybe in some way, I was fortunate.

If I can't invoke a feeling of commitment and devotion in a person even if I really clearly explain that not making a decision in their position is not going to give them a better life than they already had, then certainly there are more alternatives.

One thing I can do is try to take away their suicidal guilt. Much of the suicidal feelings come from the fact that the person feels guilty about the suicidal feelings to begin with. It's a vicious circle.

I will explain to them why they don't have to feel guilty towards other people for it ("It might be a relief to them", "It may take them on a new path, a new journey to find out the meaning of their lives", "It may confront them with the truth of death, which isn't comfortable, but in the end, truth is inevitably going to be faced so merely acclerate the process for them")

I would also take away the guilt they feel towards themselves for the idea that they're a coward for doing it or wasting their own potential ("What do you mean it's weak? Do you realize how much courage it takes to face death like that?", "Why should you have any obligations to fulfill to actualize your potential? Where is this responsibility other than your own ideas about it? Why should you not be able to be a coward?")

"Won't that make them more likely to commit suicide then?", you may ask.

It's possible, but probably not. Besides, whether they do or don't end up committing suicide is not the point, remember?

If you can relieve someone from the guilt they carry around their suicidal feelings, you will take away a large part of their suffering, and therefore a large part of their suicidality.

Imagine if this person actually gets it and suddenly becomes completely okay with the idea of them committing suicide. But I say completely okay with the idea.

You might not realize the relief that this actually invokes.

I had an awakening on the topic of suicide in november 2018 whilst I was on a trip (not a pyschedelic trip) in Switzerland.

I actually had been suicidal in 2017 (You might be curious as to how and why that happened. You can find more details on that on the justpaste.it link in the very first post of this thread)

And in november 2018, I wasn't actively suicidal, depressed or desperate or anything, but there was this sort of strange fear that I might end up committing suicide at one point in the future, and i dreaded the idea.

Until at some point whilst traveling back to the airbnb in Germany just over the border north of Basel (I had explored Basel that day), the thought suddenly came in that… What if it’s all just okay?

What if committing suicide is not tragic? What if I stop saying to myself that it’s not okay to do it? What if I stop thinking of suicide as a failure of life? What If I completely give myself a free pass to be able to do it?

And suddenly I realized that perhaps the idea that suicide was something to be avoided was simply not true.

And this realization evoked such a tremendous feeling of peace and relief in me. I suddenly felt like there was absolutely no requirements for me anymore on at least the level of action that life required from me. I suddenly felt such an immense feeling of relief and elation, and… freedom.

Yes, that’s what it was. Total freedom. The freedom to be and do whatsoever you want. The feeling that every possible outcome was totally okay.

And the interesting thing is, with this feeling of elation and freedom and peace, then who the hell feels interested to commit suicide in that state? For what? That’s the great paradox.

Total acceptance of the idea of suicide creates total peace, and in total peace, nobody is really interested in taking their own lives. That’s why I promote people accepting their suicidality. Not even so much because then they won’t commit suicide, but because then it will take them out of their suicidal struggles. They then will come to know what peace is, if they really fully grasp this realization.

I have however heard of sages who choose suicide whilst being very conscious. Perhaps it’s just them being able to leave the body at will without needing to hang or shoot themselves or whatever, but it’s the same concept. There may be a way to choose your own death that does not involve or is based on a lot of despair.

But for one to have this realization that I had, one has to let go of many assumptions.

1. One has to let go of the assumption that you would do harm to friends and relatives.

You do harm them, but that does not mean that that harm would be a wrong thing if you look from the perspective of the absolute. It may trigger existential questioning in them which would help them to evolve quicker on their own path.

2. One has to let go of the assumption that you would face some kind of punishment for committing suicide, or that it otherwise would be a bad thing. I’m talking about either the creation of karmic debt, or the idea that religion has about ending up in hell.

3. Related to the point above (but not the same), one also has to let go of the idea that committing suicide is a wastage of life and therefore some form of sin.

I don’t think I really wanna talk about why the idea of something like a geographical hell is totally irrational and how it has been used to manipulate people by invoking fear in them. I feel like this doesn’t require too much deep introspection, research and contemplation for one to come to the insight that the idea of hell is very much based on fear instead of truthfulness.

But the idea that you would face karmic punishment or that otherwise just the general attitude that committing suicide is some form of sin or wastage, is one I want to address.

From an atheistic standpoint, if a moment is all that one would be, then why should it matter if it ends sooner or later? There is only sentimental attachments to life, but no real valid reason as to why one shouldn’t be able to commit suicide. Atheists may get this sense of being a failure or having ‘wasted’ their lives if they commit suicide, but this idea doesn’t really hold much ground. It’s more about the story they tell themselves about what suicide means. But in reality, it holds no true ground. And even if you’re a failure for ending your own life, then simply be a failure. What does it matter if you’re a failure or not, taken in the perspective that you are literally nothing n comparison to the infinite scope of existence. What does one more failure really signify? One may come to take the sentiment of not wanting to hurt others again, but again, just because they are hurt by your suicide, doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t necessarily be for the greater good, as it provokes things and puts pressure to evolve on people.

And for the one that believes in reincarnation, karmic punishment or retribution or whatever… Well, taking in the scope if the totality of existence… Why do we suffer in the first place? Why would we struggle in the first place? Is putting an end to suffering —the whole wheel of suffering throughout the reincarnations— as quickly as possible really the ultimate ideal? Do we just experience suffering to get rid of it as quickly as possible? Then why are we here experiencing suffering in the first place?

That is even assumed that there would be some karmic drawback to committing suicide, and that it additionally would increase the total sum of suffering you would come to experience throughout your incarnations. And do we really know that that is true?

Perhaps when one commits suicide, one chooses to do so because one sees the circumstances in his current incarnation (on an unconscious level) as unfit to continue with that incarnation, and therefore chooses to commit suicide so one can choose once again to reincarnate in a different set of circumstances that would be much more ideal for the continuation of his/her spiritual development. Possibly suicide can even be a wise choice to make. Who knows?

But I don’t except most people to be able to have the realization to the same extent that I had because most people are too attached to some assumption or judgement about what suicide means for them, and what suicide means n the larger context of things. For most people, I think I would clarify to them both what valid reasons there can be to take their own lives, and what reasons there can be to fully commit to life, and then I would allow them to make the choice. I think for most people in a suicidal position, it requires a commitment and a very deliberate act of will to get out of it (in whatever way they choose to get out of it).

For some other people, it may require them to very deliberately try to fully accept all of their circumstances and their negative feelings and just make ‘trying to let go and accept’ their practice. I feel almost tempted to call them the ‘power of now-people’.

Of course, trying to let go isn’t the same as actually letting go, as they may not be able to actually fully let go through insight and realization, but it may take them further along their path.

For some other people, perhaps their appropriate primary focus is doing a lot of introspection and contemplation about what it all means, what’s life all about, how suicide fits into the picture… They perhaps need some time to ‘figure it all out’, to really think about the most fundamental questions of existence.

And once again for some other people, they simply fully understand the insight that I had had when I was in/near Basel in Switzerland in 2018. They realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with suicide. These people come to experience that if there is no reason to fear death, that it simultaneously allows them to fully dive into life also without any struggle. Life opens up to them. One can only be fully alive if one has fully let go of either the desire or fear of death. People who on some conscious or unconscious level either desire or fear death (usually both), can never come to know what it means to be fully alive.

Granted, this realization that I had in Switzerland isn't something that became fully embodied on a permanent basis —I'm certainly not fully enlightened yet (if ever)— but the realization did have a tremendous impact nevertheless and it is probably the most impactful insight that I've ever had.