Foreword: These are some notes I made over a week ago. There are some parts in it that may seem a bit controversial and potentially even shocking to some. I had though about toning it down a bit by adding more nuances, but I now decide that I feel like it's important for me to be transparent and not try to hold myself back. I may be a little bit nervous about coming back to my journal to read any possible replies, but I feel like I have to face it regardless. I can maybe make it a bit easier on myself by just post it as a link. I don't know, it just feels better. I don't really want to take a break from visiting my journal for too long.

These are my thoughts of this situation as of now. There are perhaps more perspectives to be had on this, but I feel these perspectives are also true, and even if they're not true, I'm willing to risk being wrong for the sake of being able to expess myself.

 

I just read an article in my local newspaper about a woman who told her story about being raepd after a tinder-date (I know from experience that the word 'raep' (with correct spelling) is something that is blanked out when you actually post it, so use your imagination what the word 'raep' actually means).

This article got me thinking... There's always something off about these articles. In the article the woman explained how she had to deal with psychological problems after the raep had happened, and how now she took the guy to court for justice.

In mainstream society, there always seems to be a victimization of the woman's position in cases of sexual assault and raep. This may seem logical and understandable from a superficial position, but there is much more at play here. People generally don't understand what effects this victimization has on the psyche of both men and women.

Let's talk from the perspective of the man first.

When a man finds himself in a society in which women are victimized for sexual assault and men are shamed for it, the man will becomes afraid for the spontaneity of his sexual desires. There is an innate biological drive for the man to take charge and to be dominant in a sexual encounter with a woman, but if this biological drive is repressed, the man starts becoming afraid of his own sexual nature.

A dominant male and a submissive female create a situation in which there is sexual polarity and chemistry. If men become too polite and careful towards women, then maybe there is a sensitivity for the way the woman experiences the situation, but all too often the sexual polarity and thereby the chemistry and the sexual thrill is sacrificed too. Then sex becomes something more transactional than ecstatic

To be dominant as a male does not imply the same as being domineering.

To be submissive as a female does not imply the same as being enslaved.

This is something vital that has to be understood.

In the past, we had a situation in which women were repressed and enslaved, but the polarity and chemistry was there.

In the present, we have a situation in which women's rights are honored and women are protected and shielded, but it comes at the cost of polarity and sexual chemistry.

In the future, and this is what I'm aiming towards, I foresee a future in which women are honored, but at the same time there is a proper understanding of the fact that men and women have a biological tendency towards the role of the one being dominant, and the other being submissive.

The acknowledgement of our natural sexual predisposition does not mean we are caught up in it. If seen into this fact with an integrated understanding that at the same time women are lovely creatures that are worthy of respect and admiration, we can have the best of both: We can have the polarity in our relationships, yet at the same time there's a mutual respect.

 

Now let me talk about how I perceive it from the perspective from a woman. Yes, I am a man, but the more I have become aware in the past number of years, the more I also became aware of the feminine parts within myself. There may perhaps be some elements missing that have to do with the fact that I do not have a female body, but still I feel that my understanding about this subject is more than adequate. i don't feel like I have to be a woman to be able to properly understand the dynamics here.

This might be quite controversial, but I have to speak my mind. What I express here is still true to the way I see it, and I'm not going to apologize for it. Especially considering the fact that this is my journal and I'm not trying to make this message public; This is simply me trying to be true to what I feel and think. If I were to apologize to what I write truthfully about myself in my (semi-)private journal would be ludacris. I might ever apologize for something I express if I had the intent on making it public (even though it wouldn't be a sincere apology, but one to prevent me from facing heavy consequences), but I am not going to apologize or feel ashamed for what I feel or think if it's kept privately. 

When I see a woman in that article in the newspaper expressing that she had psychological issues because of her being raepd, and portraying herself as a victim, I notice that it triggers me. Society tends to be completely on her side, and the man's perspective isn't even considered. I see in that article that society is teaching her to demonize the man, and to victimize herself. I read in that article that she is being told that it's not her fault, and generally the message is given that people need to fight against these 'evil men'.

It's not that I don't believe her when she tells the interviewer that she had psychological issues because of the rape. She in fact said she had even been suicidal. But she doesn't understand that the reason she had psychological issues because of it was because of herself. The man may have triggered it, but she herself continued it, sustained it, and even empowered it.

In fact, really objectively speaking, how traumatizing is raep really? It is interesting because in porn I see situations all the time where women are overpowered yet they seem to be thoroughly enjoying it.

One could throw the counterargument that these women had previously agreed for this to happen. Well... okay... But is all that stands in between an ecstatic experience that comes with deep surrender and a traumatizing act of raep the permission given for it to happen? I find it so strange...

I have heard of porn actresses stepping forward and "exposing" the porn industry because they have been raped on set. This is strange... You knew you were going to have sex anyway. You possibly may have even knowingly signed up for a movie or scene in which you know you were going to be taken on roughly. Considering you knew this was going to happen, are you now offended that you didn't get to give verbal permission for something that was going to be happening anyway?

In many cases, the only demarcation line between raep and a woman who likes rough sex seems to be the given that she had given permission or not.

I feel like it has to do with the woman feeling as if she can remain in control to some degree. She wants to feel like she still has some power, as if she still has some say in the matter. She is afraid of total surrender and to totally sacrifice all control. She always likes to keep at least one toe in the domain of being able to control a situation.

She is being taught that surrender is bad. Society tells her that: That women need to stand up for themselves and empower themselves. And women because now the public opinion is on her side, she has the power to simply complain about a man having sexually assaulted her (whilst he may not even have touched her), and this man can get his entire reputation ruined. Therefore, now men are afraid in many cases to even engage sexually at all.

It's so curious when I see that article in the newspaper where this woman described how she had started suffering from heavy psychological issues after this raep. It gets me thinking: What could be the cause of that?

It's obviously not the raep alone. The raep is only a trigger. What gets triggered I feel is her ego. She got confronted with a situation in which she was totally powerless. She was afraid of total surrender, so her ego retaliated and create all sorts of mental disturbances in her system. I reckon these mental issues were further strengthened by past traumas in herself which she hadn't resolved.

If she actually was capable of surrendering totally to the fact that she was completely powerless in this situation, it may have been an ecstatic experience for her.

In fact, I think it was actually probably quite a thrilling, ecstatic experience for her. I think her unconscious absolutely loved it. This is the dark feminine side that nobody really wants to talk about or acknowledge, but of which everybody has a sense about that it is indeed there.

I think just as many men carry a deep, secret desire to raep or overpower a woman, I think in the same way that many women carry a deep, secret desire to be sexually overpowered or raepd. But they are way too afraid or ashamed to admit that. It's one of the big taboos that our society curently has. Other things that are great taboos are the topics of pedophilia and suicide. Those are also topics that almost nobody dares to express the hard, uncut truth about, as it's too scary and confronting. Those topics may be for another time.

When such a woman like the one in the article gets raepd, I think in the moment itself she enjoys it. I would say that at least most likely her unconscious does. She is so helpless at that moment that she at some point HAS to surrender, and that's when she gets to feel ecstatic. 

It's curious how in this article the woman explained that during this act that she froze up completely, even though she had some training in martial arts. You might say it's fear, and she herself attributed it to that aswell, but I think it tells something interesting about the unconscious aswell.

I think that the fact that she enjoyed it and found herself unable to resist, makes her feel guilty and ashamed about the fact that she felt that way. It explains a lot why raep victims often feel like they had brought it onto themselves. For a good part, I feel like that is true. I think like finds like. The (un)conscious desire to be overpowered of a woman attracts a man with the same (un)conscious desire to overpower. I don't think it's just a matter of her being at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person. I don't think it's just coincidence most of the time, if not all of the time.

But there is nothing wrong in it! If a woman wants to be overpowered and possibly even raepd, then what is wrong in feeling this desire? But what happens now instead is that the woman can't handle the fact that she feels or felt that way, and now she has to either feel ashamed and guilty about the fact that she feels or felt that way, or/and project anger onto men and demonize them for their dark masculine side.

So this woman from this article, instead of coming to terms with the fact and taking responsibility for the feelings associated with her dark feminine side, she first creates an egoic complex of shame around the event that happened, and then she talked about it with other people who taught her to "not blame it on herself" and instead directing her energy to feel anger towards the perpetrator, or towards those who sexually assault in general. In relative terms, it is more empowering to be in the energy field of anger than it is to be in the energy field of shame, but she is not being taught how to actually admit and confront her dark feminine side. So what she's doing is not really a solution. It just continues the egoic perspective and thereby keeps the wheel of samsara, of suffering, spinning.

Why can we just no admit to who and what we are? All this denial, projection, victimization, demonization and so on isn't giving us anything but trouble. As a man, can we just not admit to the fact that we have a dark masculine side that wants to overpower, and as a female, can we just not admit to the fact that we have a dark feminine side that wants to be overpowered? Or... possibly if as a man we have to admit to our dark feminine side and as a woman to our dark masculine side. That is sometimes the case too.

But people are afraid what would happen if we let our darkness come out, what would happen if we come to face our darkness.

I can understand why the fear is there, but at the same time it's like trying to avoid the unavoidable. I feel everybody deep within knows that there is no escape from their inner darkness. It's best to start coming to terms with it right now, as every attempt to avoid it is just a sheer wastage of energy and is going to give you nothing but extra suffering.

And if you actually do manage to fully consciously and willingly go into it, you'll find that it perhaps doesn't turn out as bad as you had feared it to be. It depends on how total your devotion is to face yourself. If it's total, then you will perhaps experience a lot of pain, but you will not create psychological suffering around it.

How beautiful would a society be if we can just admit to what we are. But not ONLY admitting to the dark sides of ourselves, because then we may get stuck with that and then we will get a society that may be very honest and authentic, but all it sees is darkness. If you go on a little bit further and don't stop in between, you'll start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I still feel like I prefer a society being stuck in the dark night than being stuck in cowardly denial.