"So okay, we've been living in a time loop," She said, stopping in her tracks to faced Sans.
He seemed disturbed, frightened even, but she couldn't address two issues at once. Right now, she needed to talk. Right now, she was pissed.
Throwing her hands with emphasis, she continued, "Frisk has killed everyone multiple times, you knew how this run was going to turn out-you knew everything! That Undyne and Asgore and Mettaton... even Papyrus were all going to die! That I was going to become queen, and you didn't do anything about it? You didn't tell anyone? Are you even listening to me?" She advanced forward, jabbing an accusatory finger at him.
The distance in his sockets remained, though not as prominent as before. In a violent thought, Alphys wondered if he was broken. He wasn't reacting the way she wanted. She desperately needed an explanation, even though she knew nothing he could say could quite quench her rage, he owed her his side of the story at the very least.
Sans looked on the verge of something, like whatever was holding him together had worn and stretched nearing the breaking point, or perhaps already broke, and he couldn't quite function the same as before. Like a car with a popped tire or a stuttering machine on the last of its batteries.
He flinched as she slammed a claw down on the table before him, not caring if the entire Underground heard her shout, "What the hell is wrong with you Sans? That isn't like you!"
It was enough to slice through his haze as he slumped forward and hands slid over his sockets, exasperation wracking his tone, "I tried Alph. I tried and no one ever remembers even if they believe me... and why should they?"
He lowered his hands, turning to her with a lost, piteous expression, as if he hadn't slept for a year and wanted nothing more than to just shut down completely. Perhaps it would frighten her more had she not been so confused and hurt, but she needed to keep him talking. She had to know that her friend hadn't just allowed all their loved ones to die without a second thought.
"After a while I just got tired. I mean... what the hell's the point of trying to stop someone who's just going to keep coming back? You don't understand-I didn't know this run was going to be any different from the thousand before it." Dropping his head to his hands, he screwed his eyes shut as if to block out reality and convince himself it was all some nightmare.
When he spoke again, it was the voice of a child, small and fragile. "I didn't know things were going to be permanent... Alphys, they're never permanent...this is...not supposed to happen. I don't know how to handle this."
How strange it was to hear such fear and uncertainty in his voice. The world had collapsed before him and he remained staring into the carnage, lost as to at what to do with himself and unable to comprehend what the hell just happened.
Closing her eyes, she forced out a breath. It wasn't as if she could all of a sudden extinguish her rage, but she needed to calm herself before continuing. Screaming at Sans without attempting to see from his perspective was selfish and pointless.
Alphys drew back her hand and continued, speaking slowly, "Sans, I would have believed you. And I'm sorry that you've been bearing this all on your own, you should never have to do that, but why did you think I wouldn't have wanted to know that everyone wasn't permanently dead?" Her voice began to shake, no longer able to look Sans in the eye.
Claws gripped a nearby chair to steady herself, the horrible ache of her wounds growing loud and overwhelming as she poured her heart out to the inflictor, desperate for relief that would not come. "There are so many things that would've turned out differently if I had known what was going to happen, only to find out you knew, Sans! A-and I'm sure I'd think differently if I were in your shoes...having seen as many horrible things as you but Sans, I can't... I can't let go of this! Just how many other times have I been queen? How many other times have you watched me drowning in grief and... and just stood there with the knowledge that everything was going to be okay if I just waited long enough, and you didn't tell me?"
At the sound of a hollow laugh, she finally met his gaze. The hysteria steadily building up began to seep through his cracked bones and overtake his daze of numb shock. "Is that what you would've wanted? To realize that everything is pointless and nothing you do will ever mean anything because it's just going to be undone, and the only logical thing to do is to stop trying because you know better than to try?"
They were the words of someone uprooting something so unbearable, so deeply buried under years and years of keeping quiet, forcing it down, and living and functioning with it clinging like a tumor, that he could no longer control the sickness gushing out like blood from a gash. The lights of his eyes seemed to flicker madly like a dying candle the farther he delved into his spiel, as if unaware even of what he was saying.
"I've kept it a secret for so long because who the hell wants to end up like me, Alphys? You have no idea what it's like to wake up every day knowing none of it matters. Everyone you love can and will die and it doesn't matter, it just loses meaning. Except now suddenly, it does matter."
He laughed throatily, sliding his hands over his eyes as fresh tears rolled down his skull and he pressed his elbows to the table. After a tense pause, he spoke again, voice thin and cracking, he murmured, "You don't understand what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under me like this... the one thing I could always rely on to make life hell is finally gone, and so is..."
Alphys didn't understand. She understood loss, apparently better than Sans, but she had been grieving properly all this time whereas Sans was operating under the thought that his brother, and everyone else, were all coming back. Loss was only truly hitting him then, and watching her friend fall apart was enough to replace her anger with worry. Never before had she seen Sans so upset, and in a terrifying thought she wondered if he was going to recover-if he would be able to.
Right when she thought he was done, he dropped his hands to the table with a clack of bone against wood and cast her a shattered, forlorn glance, "And I get it. I understand why you might have wanted to know, and maybe it was wrong of me not to tell you and I'm sorry. But the world's not ever resetting again so that's worthless now." For a moment the lost expression returned, having run out of steam and anything worth saying, and she watched as he caved in on himself once again, head sinking to the table. Between audible shaky breaths he murmured broken phrases more to himself than Alphys, "I'm never gonna see him again...god ..."
Face covered with the sleeves of his jacket, her closest friend broke off into muffled crying that wracked through the whole of him, and in that moment with the same human who caused this whole disaster sitting in the next room, and the entire Underground still herded in the capitol left panicking over the entrance of a human, and the revelation that she'd been living in a pointless loop for god knows how long, and smears of violet daylight spreading across the distance sky announcing none of them had gotten any sleep, Alphys decided that no one should ever have to go through so much in one day.
From some months ago, Alphys recalled something Sans said the first night they and shared a bed for the sake of feeling a little less alone when the bad thoughts struck. She was feeling spat on by the universe and something must've been bothering Sans before she came in, because she recalled with clarity his quavering words,
"'Just...What the hell did we do to deserve this, huh?'"
This was no longer the time to argue. Moving past this fight was vital because holding a grudge against Sans was essentially isolating herself even more than she already was. It solved nothing and ruined everything. She had to forgive.
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
She was hurt, but she still loved Sans as much as she did before, and having been through the same situation countless times, it made sense he didn't think this run meant anything different. It was okay.
Sans didn't look up as she pulled out a chair beside him and sat down, gingerly taking his hand and stoked the lines of bone with her thumb.
"D-deep breaths... y-you're okay... You're right, I can't p-possibly understand, th-that sounds awful," She paused, gnawing hard on her lip. "But I c-can understand what you're feeling because I've l-lost people too, and I'm so sorry that this is happening. M-maybe it could help to think that this isn't really that different from what you've been going through? And I m-mean, everything sucks but we've made it this far, y-you know? We can get through this together, okay?"
END.