SO this happened yesterday. I must open by explaining that my little 8 month old kitty Ensign (pronounced: "EN" + "suhn" -Star trek fan here) is extremely fluffy and sometimes she has difficulty cleaning herself after using the little cats room. So far, we haven't had any major issues, but I have had instances of noticing a bit of matted fur around her rear and taken her to bathe as a result.

Okay, so little Ensign has been extremely horny the last couple weeks and I was finally fed up with her forcing her butt into my face every few minutes while I'd be trying to work from my laptop. I found a vet that would spay and her last Thursday she went under the knife! Phew, Relief. Ensign came home with a cute little cone around her neck to stop her from licking the wound, as that would risk opening the incision point and causing an infection.. I'm sure you see where the may be going.

Last night (during a Star Trek TNG binge and a bowl of spaghetti from Denny's) Ensign was doing the classic cat-on-laptop-keyboard behaviour when i noticed a stench. uh oh, something was wrong. This smelled horrible, like pungent fresh turd but WAY too close for comfort. OF COURSE, the cone had prevented her from cleaning her hairy butt and I instantly knew where the smell was coming from. Shit. Time to investigate.

I pinned Ensign down and lifted her tail, only to be greeted by what appeared to be a chocolate caterpillar cocooning into her fur. Yep, a whole freaking cat turd. I wasn't sure what to do, as I didn't want to touch it, so genius me decided to reach over and grab the plastic fork from my spaghetti delivery and use it to dislodge the shart from her tail.

Ensign was yelling at me by this point while I forked around her rear end trying to get behind the poop, but I wasn't going stop until it was done. I manage to get some pressure on it and FINALLY it came loose. Now, the problem was that this was a plastic fork, and the pressure I was using the untangle the log was causing the fork to bend - effectively turning it into a mini catapult.

The poop FLUNG across the room and, without missing a freaking beat, Ensign was off the laptop and bolting after the hairy little mass. Before I could realize what was happening, she had already taken it and chewing down on it. She got about 3-4 good chews in before gagging and spitting it up.

At this point I was just watching in shock, mainly trying to figure out whether this was my fault or hers. She looked at me and ran under the couch, cone and all, and stayed for the rest of the night (undoubtedly upset with what had happened).

YEP. She seems fine today and is back to her normal self, although I'm a bit tentative letting her lick me...

TLDR: Cat is hairy, was wearing cone due to surgery and couldn't clean self. Discovered turd attached to tail. Used fork to dislodge it and she thought it was toy/food. She chewed it up and now hates me/life/poo..