Episode 4
> Wake up wearing clothes on bed
> Scrunched up towel for pillow
> Takes a minute to come round
> Slowly register what happened last night
> feels happy for 10 seconds
> brain then focuses exclusively on the negatives
> roll onto back
> stare at the ceiling replaying all the embarrassing moments over and over over for the next hour
> the door, the phantom piss, saying hi too early accidentally to the stranger.....the phone, my god the phone
> these things only happen to me
> I hear people say they have anxiety or social problems yet then they go and do things that I never could
> they have to be liars, saying it for attention
> Theres a difference between feeling you can’t do something then go and do it and not physically equipped to do it
> fucking liars
> anxiety blackface
> intense solipsistic thoughts
> only explanation, nothing else makes sense
> all of this is created and designed to humiliate and ultimately destroy me
> shut up
> you’ll make whatever is happening to you worse
> suppresses solipsistic thoughts
> checks phone
> 1 message
> mini adrenaline rush
> ‘to view your bill, click on...’
> looks away
> hangs arm off side of bed
> phone slides out of hand and drop onto the floor
> stare at ceiling again
> reminds self of your worthlessness a few more times with hand picked moments from memory confirming it
> mouth is so dry
> looks around for a drink
> thought I found some
> but old bottles of piss
> must throw them out
> needs some upbeat music to get me out of bed
> puts on some Sparklehorse
> not working
> I really must be hungover
> falls back to sleep
> wakes up 2 hours later feeling 100x worse
> tries different music to help get up
> youtube recommends ‘Islands in the stream’ to me for some reason
> puts it on, through earphones of course
> oh shit! I was going to ask the cashier out today
> doesn’t seem like a good idea anymore
> chorus hits
> imagines self doing cool shit in slow motion in black and white
> ^ the mark of any good song
> rush of blood
> fuck it, gonna get up and go to the supermarket and ask this girl out
> Knows shes working
> got her timetable memorised
> gets dressed
> puts on shirt my mum got me for a job interview
> got to utilise this high before it goes
> okay time to devise a game plan
> ‘hey I know you don’t know me but I was wondering if you’d be interested in coming for a drink with me and my friends sometime?’
> done, what else is there to say?
> no = no worries cool
> yes = cool, heres my number
> everyone dies, nothing matters x5
> doesn’t check mirror
> can only be a bad idea
> earphones in
> puts ‘Islands in the stream’ on repeat
> deep breath
> leaves house
> walking, feeling good
> reciting the line in head over and over ‘I know you don’t know me, but ..’
> almost there
> chorus hits
> lets it finish
> ready
> takes headphones out
> here we go, goes to enter
> half trips stepping up the kerb
> thats fine
> enters
> sees her
> heart racing
> oh shit need to buy something
> walks up and down the aisles
> need to impress her with my purchases
> can’t buy usual crap
> picks up some salmon
> picks up bottle of wine
> okay
> here we go
> gets in queue at her till
> people in front pay and leave one by one
> me next
> here we go, heart racing
> walks up to her
> doesn’t look up at me
> she grabs salmon to scan
> I quietly say “You don’t know me...”
> she looks up “what?”
> speaks a bit louder “I was just saying you don’t know me but..”
> “No I don’t, sorry”
> before I try ask again
> “Can I see some ID please?”
> “for the wine? I’m 29”
> “you don’t look it”
> “I don’t have any ID”
> she looks curiously at my never shaved arrested developed face
> “okay, next time bring ID or I won’t serve you again”
> “Heh ye yeah no worries.... thanks”
> gets out bank card to use
> puts in machine
> hands shaking typing in my pin number
> can feel her looking at my shakey hands
> I’ll try one more time, fuck it
> “I don’t suppose that you’d.....”
> “card declined”
> “oh, thats weird....hold on”
> tries again, declined again
> looks in wallet, luckily have the cash
> all my money in the world
> pay
> grab my bag
> look up to say thanks and shes already saying hi to the next customer
> turn and leave
> everyone dies, nothing matters x5
> slowly walking home
> don’t think about it
> just don’t think about it
> just not now
> I can’t
> sees an alleyway
> walks halfway down
> calmly takes wine out the bag
> looks at the label, reads a bit of it
> throws it at the wall
> explodes
> throws packet of salmon as far as I can
> breathing heavily
> realise I just spent this weeks food money on those
> looks down at red wine stained shirt
> face in hands
> start to cry
> can’t stop
> 10 minutes later
> dry eyes and blow my nose on my new shirt
> walk home
> at least she didn’t say no
> walk into the flat
> flat mate walks out the kitchen at the same time
> “Hey mate”
> “Hey”
> “where’ve you been?”
> “shopping”
> he looks down and sees Im not holding anything, looking confused
> “....umm, okay”
> he clearly can’t be bothered or care enough to enquire further
> “oh yeah, just a warning.....I’m having a party tomorrow night, so might be a bit noisy”
> “yeah no worries”
> “sweet, see ya later”
> “see y...”
> his bedroom door slams shut
> goes to bedroom
> feel fucking exhausted
> kicks shoes at the wall
> gets in bed
> 9pm
> want this day over with, want to sleep as soon as possible
> falls asleep at 3am