Episode 3

> Puts phone down on the side and stares out the window

> Instantly regrets agreeing to meet for drinks and runs through all the potential outcomes, best and worst case scenarios for the next hour

> Scared to go, scared to cancel

> Contemplates the potential that this is all a ruse, why did he invite me? Were we ever that close? Why now? What does he want?

> The day passes quickly, too nervous to eat

> Sitting on the edge of my bed, Showered, wank’d and dressed

> been clock watching for an hour waiting for a txt

> Bzzzz *’We’re here mate. In the Nag’s Head, in corner on the big table’*

> Reply *‘Ok cool see ya soon’*

> starts walking

> 30 min walk

> nervous sweat and activity sweat fuse to create a new potent body odour that even I can’t ignore

> See the pub ahead of me, no going back. Mentally riffling through realistic excuses to not go at this late stage

> Knows I can’t get out of it now, no more mental rehearsals in his head. It’s actually happening.

> heart is racing, beating out of my chest

> outside pub, walk up to the doors

> deep breath, runs through every motivational quote that I memorised over the years, just use this as practice, be the best you can be, pretending to be confident looks the same as being confident, nothing matters, we all die and it means nothing so don’t be afraid.

> runs out of motivational life advice quotes

> closes eyes

> puffs cheeks out

> steps forward and pushes right door

> doesn’t move

> pulls right door, nothing

> right door is locked

> pushes left door, heavy door, lean on it to open it

> slowly slides through the half opening like a wet turd

> feels everyone is looking at me, tries to pretend I doesn’t feel the eyes burning into me

> Starts repeating the inspirational quotes ‘Everyone dies, nothing matters, everyone dies nothing matters’

> goes to the bar to order a drink to calm down

> Barman “Yes mate?”

> (Aware of the bar etiquette of before ordering you look around for people that may have been waiting before you that the barman may have missed and letting them go before you)

> points at guy that clearly just got his drink and waiting for change from another barman

> “Wanna serve him first?”

> Barman looks confused “umm....he’s been served”

> “Ha yeah, course mate”

> never said ‘mate’ before

> “What’ll it be?”

> panics and pats the top of the nearest beer tap

> “this one mate, cheers”

> pays and takes a sip

> screws face up

> scan around the large loud room looking for their table

> spots them waving from the other side of the pub

> waves and make a high pitch reflexed “Hey” that if was intended for them, were way too far away to hear

> guy near me looks up and gives me a confused stare thinking I was talking to him

> blocks that out as have bigger mental fish to fry, will process that particular moment later

> everyone dies, nothing matters, everyone dies, nothing matters

> Sees my friend is with another guy and a girl

> now its three people watching me walk towards them and what feels like the whole pub, watching my every movement, they know. I don’t know what exactly, but they all know.

> So self conscious that it feels like I’m manually operating each leg as I walk

> heart beating faster and faster the closer I get

> feeling light headed, feel like fainting

> gets close, want to run away, can’t run away, breathing heavily, panics

> Indicates a ‘1 sec’ signal with finger and takes phone out pocket

> stands 6 feet from their table pretending to be on the phone

> waiting for heart rate to drop

> flashing a closed mouthed half smile and giving a ‘what can ya do?’ face

> angry at self for listening to brain’s social instructions on this one, been nothing but sabotage up until this point so why would now be any different?

> starts to get uncomfortable as I’m clearly not actually talking, just have the phone on my face

> Everyone trying to ignore how weird this is

> Slowly turn my back to the table

> Count down from 3 and put the phone away and approach them

> My friend introduces me straight away to everyone which helped

> that wasn’t too bad, they seem friendly

> I take a seat

> One of them asks “so who was on the phone?”

> ah shit, feel like I’m losing it already

> “Ha No-one....well not no-one, I mean no-one important”

> eye brow twitching

> “Important enough to pick up right then though? ha”

> “ha, yeah”

> Sips drink as eye brow is now noticeably twitching

> all initial attempts by them to lightly joke around to try to alleviate my clear social meltdown were failing

> Decides to just get drunk to get through this

> a few hours pass and about to order my 4th pint, its going well

> contributed to a few conversations, made a few jokes, alcohol is working great

> needed a piss since after pint 1

> Can’t hold it much longer

> didn’t plan on drinking this much

> been Keeping an eye on the traffic flow into the toilet, trying to time is so no-one is in there at the same time

> no-one been in or out for a while

> its either go now or piss yourself

> stand up and tell the table I’ll be back in a sec

> New friend “Going for a piss? I’ll come too, I’m busting”

> screams inside head

> “cool”

> walk into toilet

> 1 cubicle, out of order. and 2 urinals practically touching

> there are no *‘Don’t look at my cock barriers’* .....sorry *‘splash guards’*

> he walks straight up and starts pissing instantly

> look at phone and pretend to txt and look inquisitively at the condom machine to give him enough time to finish

> turns his head “You okay?”

> “yeah, just....checking something”

> hurry the fuck up ahhhhhhhh

> can’t stall any longer

> everyone dies, nothing matters, everyone dies, nothing matters

> approaches urinal

> gets cock out

> stares straight ahead

> why is he still pissing!

> nothing happening, nothing, but how? My stomach is in physical pain from how much piss is in me yet it feels more likely to squirt out my ears than my cock right now

> he has clearly noticed that I’m starring at a blank wall with my cock out and have had zero piss coming from it for the last 2 minutes

> essentially now have become a retard piss storage statue, even I didn’t predict this dire situation for myself this evening

> finally he stops and is washing his hands

> just leave!

> when he finally does, the instant the door closed behind him a lazer beam of piss shot from my body and stayed pissing for what felt like an hour.

> wash hands

> avoids looking in mirror

> whats left of my confidence is hanging by a thread, self delusion about how you look doesn’t stand a chance against the cold reality that a mirror gives you

> walks back to the table

> everyone at the table standing up and putting their coats on and ready to go

> “We’re gonna go mate, was good seeing you again”

> We all said our goodbyes and went our separate ways

> feel quite happy with how it went as a whole, but could be the alcohol numbing my brain

> probably gonna be a lot of unpacking that needs doing, but will deal with that when it comes

> walking home

> get a txt from my friend

> “Hope you had fun, we should do it again soon”

> “yeah definitely! Thanks”

> feels happy

> walks past supermarket

> stops and walks up to the window

> all the lights are off

> stares at the seat the cashier girl usually sits at

> Wait, now I have a reason to engage with the cashier, it’ll be for a reason now

> can ask her to come out with me for drinks with my friend next time, I won’t scare her if I have friends, she will say yes now

> fuck it gonna ask her tomorrow

> everyone dies, nothing matters, everyone dies, nothing matters

> its not the alcohol talking I’m going to do it, definitely

> gets home

> tidies room

> feels exhausted

> gets in bed, tries a pornless wank with a half blood penis

> getting no-where, starts to hurt, gives up

> turns on TV and falls asleep