Afterword  
       A Journey for Love Closes

     Why hello there again.  The epilogue above, was, to my knowledge then, where this story ended quite naturally.  However, here I find myself writing and you find yourself reading, an afterword.  Actually had to Google if there even was such a thing that can come after an epilogue once this felt needed.
     So why is that?  Remember when I said the journey to find and understand legitimate love for another person had reached its conclusion?  Well, turns out I was wrong about the final chapter concluding and there was still one last chapter left in the story.  I shall attempt to explain as best I can.  Here is what happened and opened my eyes to the story's true ending.  
     The band, The Lumineer's, put out a string of music videos over the last year.  Recently, all 5 were released, edited in chronological order and depict the true life story a taxi driver shared with them. Essentially, it tells of multiple 'what if' scenarios from throughout her life.  My basic interpretation is that she waited too long to embrace and  see where her true love story could go.  He dies before she is 25 and she never gets to find out what could have been.
     The song 'Cleopatra' contains the following lyrics.  "But I was late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life
And when I die alone, when I die alone, when I die I'll be on time."  And  "But I must admit it, that I would marry you in an instant
Damn your wife, I'd be your mistress just to have you around."  The most important words in that one are, "But I must admit it, that I would marry you in instant."  The song 'My Eyes' has the lyric, "What did you do to my eyes.  What did you sing to that lonely child."  On a side note, Vance Joy's song 'Lay it on me' has the lyric, "I found you
hidden in plain sight, why'd it take so long,?" and played a small roll, mostly by increasing the frequency of wondering how it took so long for me to figure it all out.
     Those lyrics stuck out the moment I heard them and continued resonating in my head for a week or so.  Until hanging out with Brianah, where everything finally clicked, after watching the entire video together.  I will try to explain all the details.
     First was the part, "I was late for the love of my life."  Why those words mattered may be obvious, but just in case it is not.  This go around for Brianah and I, is technically our third time around for contemplation concerning the concept of us being together as a serious couple.  So the fear of, "What if I missed my chance that first or second time?" is quite prominent in my mind.  However, the initial question popping in my head is quickly quieted.  I strongly, am of the opinion that this third go around is the proper timing, at least for myself.  The knowledge gained over these last 5+ years feel like they were a requirement for truly doing right by Brianah.  As if, had I went for it the previous 2 times, I would not have been capable of giving her the relationship I believe she deserves.
     The lines in "My Eyes" were the real first catalyst.  "What did you do to my eyes?  What did you sing to that lonely child?"  Those words rocked me deep to the very core of my existence, in a way never experienced before.  It had already occurred to me, how after meeting Brianah, every girl I had any interest in came no where near matching the way she looked at me.  Then came the realitization caused by the first half of the lyric.  With each new potential love interest, I was looking for the same facial expressions as her.  Did not know at the time but in hindsight it seems to have obviously been the case.  Especially since our present situation began at that party.  My instinct says after 2 years of not seeing each other, after such a large window of time passed, caused the epiphany.  I can still see her face when she first saw me that evening and you better believe I will never forget it.  Instantly the mental process of comprehending what I felt in that moment started.  The Vance Joy line comes up here because what I had been looking for my entire life turned out to be in plain sight for the last 5 years and it took me over 5 years to see it.
     The other half, "what did you sing to that lonely child?" is damn near just as important as the first.  She was the first person to ever take away my constant loneliness I lived with for 30 years.  My own mother, father and every friend I ever made, were not able to make me feel not alone.  So that line resonates with me immensely.
     The final piece came from the lyric in 'Cleopatra,' "But I must admit it, that I would marry you in instant."  When learning and obtaining information on a subject, eventually there is enough data to start forming opinions that encompass all the information gathered.  The higher the quantity of data, allows for more accurate conclusions, since they are made with all the information, instead of bits and pieces regarding a concept.  
     Point here concerns the fact of that is how my brain tries to consolidate knowledge, and I do not really have a clue if that is the norm.  This technique goes so far for me as to erase most of the information that lead to the most recent opinion I have on any given thing.  The rationale behind this is to not waste brain space on old knowledge and allow for as much space as possible to remember new facts.
     So with this Brianah situation I had been trying to determine a simple sentence or 2 that summed up the entire extent of my feelings.  Before I heard those words, the best I had come up with was, "she is the love of my life, my true love/soulmate," but it did not feel as though that 100% wrapped it all together in my head.  It only pinged like 80%-90% of all the connections in my mind about her.  "I would marry you in an instant," accomplished the goal 100%.  Would have never guessed those to be the necessary arrangement of words but it without a doubt was.
     Brianah and I landed on the subject of the northern lights.  A company in Ireland I think it is, have small transparent tent sized domes you can spend the night in and watch the northern lights.  I asked if she would be down to go visit there one day and she answered with a definitive "yes."  I absolutely love pretty views of large landscapes.  The grand canyon, Niagara falls, Everest, the great wall of china, the pyramids, etc.  But, my number one place I most wish to see one day is the northern lights.  At the end of the night, sitting and smoking a cigarette, the thought popped in my head.  "If I ever do get to go with her and see the northern lights.  That is the day I am going to ask her to marry me."  
     That thought right there, put the romantic that has been trying to figure all this out in my head since I can remember, to bed.  When I woke up the next day is was similar to a weight being lifted off your shoulders but that does not fully explain what I felt.  Perhaps because that romantic part of me was not a burden but my biggest goal I needed to conquer.  Mentally it was felt as if there was at least 20%-30% more processing power available for my brain to use.  
     I am going to marry that girl someday.  I may be more confident about that conclusion than any previously and the peace that comes with it is truly breathtaking.  The chapter of finding, knowing and understanding love closed for myself that day.  My brain can loop over that final conclusion but there has not been a new thought about "is she the one?" since.