Epilogue

     Since finishing this six months ago, I have begun moving forward in the journey of romance.  No one should sit around waiting their whole life, hoping for an unlikely outcome to come to pass.  Our gut instinct tends to be honest/correct about such things and if mine is saying, "chances are extremely slim," then it is worth listening to.

    I recently came back into contact with Brianah after two years and was left with a surprising rejuvenation of how I once felt towards her.  All the conclusions discovered in this story happened in those last two years.  What seems to have occurred upon seeing her a few weeks ago, is that my brain instantly began processing through all the information it already knew about her and concluded that preexisting knowledge to be quite appealing.  That type of association and memory gathering technique was not a skill I knew two years ago, which meant it had never been used, towards her, for gaining comprehension regarding how I felt.

      Attempts were made with other people since writing my story but with little success.  Then seeing Brianah filled me with emotions that other people were not invoking, which was tremendously unexpected to say the least.  On the way driving to where she was, such an outcome was not considered even slightly.  I am without a doubt an over thinker and that option still never crossed my mind.  At most the biggest concern was possible awkwardness from not seeing each other for so long. 

     Experiencing those feelings however caused immediate enlightenment, like a light switch being flipped on.  My mind spent the next 24 hours comparing what was felt in that moment, to the recent interactions with other people.   Observing my brain, remembering what I did know about her and how doing so was causing such intense emotional reactions, left me to only conclude that I might have found what I wanted to discover over all these years.  Timing has always kept us from attempting anything but maybe that was for the best.  All I wish to do now is continue getting to know her fully and make corrections to the incomplete, fractured image past me created.  A bias image, influenced heavily by lust, that I have no idea its level of truth. 

    It seems I am getting the opportunity to use what was learned in the story and find another person I can care for deeply because of who they are.  Could not have done that two or five years ago with her, so maybe timing knew what it was doing.  I know it is only coincidence but I am super happy it occurred.  It is all very new, but my excitement is immense.  She was the person who brought me back to life five years ago, after six years of nothing in the love department.  By her sheer existence, a new, original environment manifested itself into my reality.  An environment which allowed me to start caring for people in beyond friendship ways again.  Perhaps I did not realize how important that was back then.  Time will tell and this adventure may be the best one yet.

     Oh yeah.  I imagine plenty of you reading this are going, "but what about all those numerous, major emotions you said regarding Renee?  Her being first place and all that."  Well, I am aware it will sound like the cycle of just moving on to liking another person and thinking they are the best ever.  This will probably appear to simply be more flip flopping on my part but I truly do not believe that to be the case. 

     The question crossed my mind, "what if I am wrong about Renee in regards to the romantic aspect of my feelings?"  A question quite similar to the one mentioned in the story.  This time though, there were subtle changes in the details.  Mainly was the focus on romantic feelings, instead of broad consideration.  That focus made for a new idea to appear and be considered as a possible answer.  What if my feelings towards Renee were actually platonic?  Sure I was able to discover physical attraction towards her but it did require immense amounts of thought to create.  Also, it did not stick around and had to be rediscovered every time I saw her.  Yet with Brianah, the same mental process of collecting all my knowledge about her into one consolidated thought happened, but it was not followed by physical attraction in the same way as Renee.  Attraction occurred toward Renee but it was very much so bounded in my thoughts, existing almost exclusively inside my mind.  With Brianah however, the attraction exploded past the confinements of my mind, encompassing my entire body, rocking me down to the very core of my being in a way that truly felt new to me.  It was also capable of remaining as a constant, like a fire thoroughly set ablaze, that can be stoked when you wish.

     What if my experience with Renee actually fell under the category of gaining a sister?  What if I could only figure out how to legitamitly love another person through discovering a friend grand enough to be like a sister to me?  Did such an epiphany require a complete absence of physical attraction?  Was an environment were it had no influence because it did not exist necessary for learning to take place for myself?  At this point in time, I can only conclude that yes, those were the requirements.

     I have never cycled back through previous crushes when moving on to like a new person.  You read the story above.  Going back to past people has not been something that has happened.  That alone leaves me to believe this is something new I am experiencing.  The term soulmate has not been a part of my vocabulary for many years.  Mainly because the concept of only one person being a perfect match for another seems statistically very unlikely.  The idea that multiple humans can fall into such a category for any given person seems much more feasible.  No idea the number, maybe it is quite low like less than 5, possibly 10, perhaps 20 or hell, a 100?  Does not matter which though because the odds are still not in any of our favor.  7.5ish billion humans and at most a 100 of them could be a person's match.  Rare is an appropriate word to attribute to this type of relationship.  So I tucked the word away only using it when sharing the above opinion.  Now that word has found the correct variables in one place to allow for its return back into my life.  My gut is saying Brianah is one of those soul mates that exist in this world for me. 

     She gives me confidence to a degree I have never experienced before and makes me feel like I can accomplish anything. Thinking over that, at first, appears to be a negative.  The general consensus tends to say that we should be able to accomplish anything on our own and not need the help of another.  Yet when you look at those in our society regarded as "successful," the reality seems to be, they most all have a partner joining them through life.  Hell, we literally have a saying for it.  "Behind every great man, there is a great woman."  So perhaps, feeling that I can achieve my best by doing this journey with her, legitamitly is the requirement necessary for obtaining my utmost best.

    This is without a doubt, the most intense experience of my life thus far.  Now at 30 years old, me, my gut and those close around me, are concluding or at the very least considering, that this personal journey to find love, has reached its final chapter.  The culmination of everything has transported me to an extremely beautiful place.  Embracing her as my true love fills me with immense, seemingly boundless, happiness.  A form of being happy so tremendously breath taking, the term bliss is worthy of being used to describe it.  I now know what true love actually means, in the most complete way possible.  Once I let it be contemplated, imagining us going for it, my eyes, mind and body were left wide open, with an understanding I never could have predicted.

     It has been like an "aha" moment or experiencing an epiphany.  Describing it is not easy.  You know how every present person you like feels like they are the one you have liked the most?  You can feel it inside yourself, that they are the best.  With this though, what I feel has taken a seat at the bench, because this time, I know.  I know she is my greatest adventure to be had.  I know she is who I wish to spend all my days with.  I know I want to live a life together with her.  I know she is who I can create a family with.  I know her companionship is where my purest form of happiness exists.  I know hers is the last face I want to see when that final curtain closes. 

     My entire conscious life has been a journey of learning, understanding and discovering love.  Now that journey has ended.  Before me lies a new journey.  It is one of being in love, experiencing love, playing with love, observing our love, practicing love and all the things I can not think of that happen to do with adventuring throughout this life with love by our side.  Two souls dancing and intertwining with one another in a dimension parallel to this one, sending two people on the adventure of a lifetime.

     Perhaps one day I will sit down and draw up one of those "lists" about why.  My answer right now however, would be that I never will.  How does someone write down a list of whys, when it is starting to look as if such a list could only be finished by having an infinite amount of time to do it.  My brain is given another reason with almost every interaction it has with her.  Sometimes simultaneously with my body being given a new reason.  If I am being completely honest, at some point down the line (hell, it kind of seems to have already began,) I will truthfully have forgotten more of the whys than I will be able to remember.

    My best bet is probably to focus on remembering the ones that mean the most to me.  Our chemistry has to be included.  The depths it manages to traverse down to are astonishing.  A rare quality I am having trouble thinking of ever seeing previously but I am sure that is just me being bias right now.  ;)  There appears to be a fasinaction with watching each other.  Almost as if we are visually stimulated by how the other acts, moves and speaks.  But also because of an innocent curiosity wishing to learn about the other.  We both seem to enjoy how one another thinks and processes information.  An enjoyment that also gives us more detailed, thorough conclusions about each other.  Then add in how we seem to like what we learn, so we want to learn more. Her way of being my devil's advocate when pondering ideas is fantastic.  I have reached so many epiphanies since talking with her under completely open circumstances regarding what goes on in my head.  That alone is worth it.  Increasing the speed of my ability to fully process information, along with improving the level of accuracy achieved.  Holy shit that was not something I thought possible.  Never even considering it to be something that I wished to get from someone.  And Holy Shit I say again, because it is incredible! 

    We have spent 5 or so years knowing one another and had the opportunity to "watch" one another for most of that time.  This watching appears to have taught us much and we are now getting a taste of what could be possible if we did more with what we have learned than just watch.  In terms of watching nature unfold between two self aware creatures, it is magical to observe. 

     She continues to ask me varying "What if," "why," and "how do I know" questions.  Many of them cannot presently be answered because none of us can see the future.  The few that can be answered, at least to some degree or another, appear to remain a concern for her no matter what I say.  Not to mention the effort I am putting into being honest, while simultaneously doing my best at avoiding any stereotypical love tropes.  I am pretty sure I have said them all at least once at different times, so it is easy to know what I wish not to say.  The tricky part is thinking of new, unique responses, while also ensuring the highest priority is kept on authenticity and truth when determining them.  To be frank, the best thing I have thought of so far is the word happy.  Such as saying, "This is the happiest I have ever been."  Should really use the word "bliss" but that will take some practice on my part.  "Happy" has always been a rarely used term in my vocabulary.  So it is safe to say, "bliss," has virtually never come out of my mouth and I am legitimately unsure if it ever has before now.  Surely it has, at least a few times, but those times may be strictly in an educational environment.  Like when it was a word for a spelling test or learning about things such as "euphoria."  There is definitely a fair chance I have never used the term to describe anything about myself or my feelings and never to explain any observations around me.  Maybe I used it regarding an excited puppy or something at some point, but nothing outside those type of insignificant moments.  Yes I know, perhaps that would not be insignificant.  Since maybe recognizing an animal in bliss, combined with never using/seeing "bliss" for myself, could be an insight into something about me.  Not sure exactly how so though.

     I will leave you with a final occurrence that happened.  Afterwards my decision was to not share it because of how surprising and out there it was, but I think it is the best way to conclude this. 
     
     During a moment of pondering my brain stumbled upon the concept of having children.  Long ago it was decided such a possibility was not for me. Seeing as how owning a dog was more responsibility than I needed, having kids was a no go.  Guys, my mind processes through a hypothetical scenario of having children with her, and it put a smile on my face!  I sincerely could not believe what was happening.  Not like tomorrow or anything.  Thinking if things continue progressing, perhaps at some point down the road I would be up for the idea.  That has never happened with anyone before.  I have been able to see myself sitting on the porch with someone when I am old, but never were kids involved.  The thought is absolutely random coincidence but the fact that it concluded in such a way leaves me with the impression that she may very well be one of "the one"s in this world for myself.  Time will tell.

     This story shall end here.  Whatever comes next will be the beginning of a journey worthy of its own separate tale.  Until the futures.