CW: Abuse stuff
Growing up I had some rough times and even beyond that, my Mother was abused, my Grandmother was abused and that cycle did not end with me. My Grandmother and Mother had been in one abusive relationship after another, and I have an opportunity as an adult to let that cycle end with me.
I'm not a bad person, I've never abused any of the people I've been with nor put hands on anyone in my entire life, but I know I'm also capable of a temper. I know I'm capable of saying cruel things, of hurting people with my words and with my callousness. I know I'm selfish and my history of drug abuse has been a good example of that, thankfully i'm nearly 3 years off alcohol and very confident in that choice.
This is sounding like a woe is me party so let me get to the point. I have always avoided long-term relationships for reasons of self confidence, both because I doubt that anybody could stand me for very long (that's mostly changed since quitting drinking) but also because I fear emulating people who have abused me in the past.
It's said if a kid grows up in a house where everybody's yelling at each other all the time, then when that child communicates with others they expect that. That becomes difficult for socialization because most people aren't yelling at each other all the time, the children become jerks to put it bluntly.
Growing up I understood that when you were mad at someone, a subordinate, you hit them. No hitting your brother or classmates of course, but that it was acceptable and forgivable for an adult to get angry and hit their child or partner, it was just part of life. And I'd like to distinguish between spanking and hitting, spanking kids is more of a structured corporal punishment while hitting is more of a temper/anger thing. I don't agree with either tbh.
Now that I'm older, a little more chill, I have had lots of positive relationships over the years since growing up, but nothing beyond friendships or one of many one night stands/NSA or group arrangements. I have been co-habitating with somebody I deeply care for the last few years now and our relationship is as good as one could ask, we rarely argue and never fight. It's more two kinky friends than your standard relationship, but maybe that's good enough for me. Maybe someday I'll have that Ryan Gosling kissing in the rain situation, tho i'd just take someone around my age is that I legit fall in love with, grow old with.
The reason why I share this is because I kind of figured relationships and love was off the table for me, because of everything I've mentioned but also that somebody I did love passed away quite a few years ago and I kind of left me hopeless. But over the last couple years I feel like maybe I'd be able to spend the rest of my life with somebody. The further away from abuse I am (both mentally and chronologically) the more I feel like perpetual singularity is not my fate. Like maybe I'd be the one to break the chain.
TL;DR: when people have been treating you bad your whole life it's not hard to think you're a bad person. But nobody's fate is sealed, and as we grow as people and work on ourselves we can shed those abusive learnings.