I have never been a popular person, I got overweight in middle school and have always been heavy on the geeky side.  I danced with one girl at a middle school dance, talked to a weird girl on the bus and was verbally her boyfriend for a week, had a date and my first kiss after graduation thanks to a friend. Other than that never had any luck dating.  A lot of that was my fault because of a lack of self care.  The rest was anxiety and a lack of going out and socializing.  That former changed as I grew older and started taking better care of myself hygienically.  

I always thought I was just weird with girls but I realized within the last handful of years that I suffer from some pretty serious social anxiety.  Like blurry vision, start to black out trying to tell a girl I'm interested in them anxiety.  It sucks.  The few times in school that I tried to ask girls out I got rejected and I think it stemmed from that, but probably a lot of other things too.

After graduation I got a part time job and never made it to college.  I eventually moved to Albuquerque, NM for a few months and had some pretty wild times.  I moved back home and started working at a book warehouse 3rd shift which lead to my first bout with depression.  I worked overnights and never saw anybody and despite my love of the night time, started to hate the lack of people when I was out and about.  I eventually decided I had had enough and walked out of that job and was unemployed for a few months.  I was 23, slightly less overweight, a virgin, played rock band and guitar hero with my roommate who's house his mom was paying for, and had just crawled back to my first job.  Then one day on MySpace, I met her.

She sent me a friend request and I mistook her for another friend because her profile picture was not the best.  I quickly realized this as we started chatting and seemed to hit it off.  We talked about some hobbies and interests and it was pretty great.  I had a sudden burst of confidence and the next time we chatted I asked if she wanted to hang out and she said yes.  She lived about an hour away and I had never driven out of town by myself more than a short distance.  I was off on an adventure.

I picked her up and she insisted that we pick up her friends too, he was basically acting as a bodyguard and I knew it and that was OK.  I was a stranger after all.  We came back home and walked around downtown and came back to my place and played guitar hero and then I eventually took her home.  We started hanging out more and more and I started to notice things.  Like she was randomly get angry after texting people and be very distant about it.  But I was fairly blind to it at the same time.  The first night she stayed the night we fell asleep next to each other in reclining chairs and I brushed her hand "accidentally" and she returned the motion.  It was cute.  A few nights later we were on a wide reclining couch together watching a movie.  Our faces got close and we kissed.  I didn't know it then but that was the start of a crazy year.  

This was right around Christmas time, 2007, and I pestered her constantly if we were together.  This looking to be my first real relationship, I was excited, awkward and a bit pushy.  Eventually I got the answer I wanted.  She was my girlfriend.  A few weeks later, I was no longer a virgin.  Being the awkward overly excited weirdo I was, I asked her to move in because I couldn't contain myself and she hated living in a small town.  She had just ended a relationship a week before we met with someone in Chicago, she had an addiction to travel that I would learn about much later.   She agreed and it was great.  We were that annoying couple that had too much PDA and went everywhere together, I couldn't get enough.

We took a friend's offer to move into his place he was trying to get out of, albeit, illegally.  We ran to KC and stole her dog back from another ex.  We let her burn out stripper friend take the extra bedroom.  Then things started to get bad.  She started making friends at her job and started wanting to spend more and more time away from me.  She was texting people with my phone and deleting the texts before she gave it back.  She borrowed my car one night, went out, got drunk and forgot me at work.  The power in our apartment got shut off and she left me there to go hang out with her friends one night.  We had argued about things before but this is when the arguing really started.  I had never had a real relationship.  I didn't know how to act or handle myself in these situations.  It got bad, quick.

We started saying dumb shit to each other and I felt bad because I drug her away from everything.  So I let her use my car while I was at work and tried to do things for her still because I asked her to move up here.  We ended up having to move out of the apartment and we moved in with my mom.  The arguing got worse and we we hadn't slept together since before we moved out of the apartment.  One night she brought an ex fiance up from her home town and stayed with him at another place.  A month later she was pregnant.  She ended up having complications and we went to a local hospital and they told her some girls just bleed through their pregnancy.  The next morning she woke up and went to work.  She called me later that day in pain and asked me to take her home to her local hospital.  I picked her up and we drove down there and they got her in fairly quickly.  They told her she had been miscarrying for a few days and that had she waiting any longer it might have lead to an infection that could have killed her.  I stayed with her that night in the hospital and had to leave the next day for work.  She's always stood behind her story that it was mine despite me not remember having sex with her for some time before that.  At the time I believed her but later in life as I learned more about her and her habits, I came to believe that it was not. 

We got another place and she started going to her hometown a lot.  She was staying with friends and at this time we weren't exactly together.  The arguing was still bad.  One day we were napping together and got frisky.  As we were about to start she stops me and tells me she is seeing someone from back home.  I moved out.  

Months later I took her with me on a road trip to see a friend and we ended up sleeping together at every stop aside from one or two.  I ended up deviating from my original destination to go to stops she wanted to see.  A friend in Ohio, Niagara Falls, Salem Massachusetts, The Amityville Horror house on Long Island. I felt like we were going to get back together.  I moved back in with her and a different friend of hers.  A guy who supposedly liked her friend started coming around a lot, hanging out with The Girl.  We’ll establish now late in the story that this is what we will call her when needed.  One night we go up to where this guy lives and we have dinner and we almost have sex in my car.  We go to his house and I find out I have to sleep on the floor.  They are sharing the bed.  I can hear kissy noises all night and I force myself to stay up and argue with her over text, calling her out on what they are doing.  She denied it then but later in life admitted to it.  One night she calls me, crying, upset, exclaiming she made a mistake.  I blew up.  I yelled outside of my father's house, “You fucked him didn’t you?!”  She immediately hung up.  We didn’t talk again for a year.

 

I got drunk one night a few weeks before Halloween, I had a great time out with some friends, and I can be the happiest drunk in the world.  I had actually never drank before I met her and started one night to prove to her that I was fun.  My friends took me home, dropped me off, I made my way upstairs and somehow found myself writing her a message on Facebook.  I immediately shifted to the most hateful person in the world.  I told her I wished she was dead and that she should die in a fire, and on and on and on.  To my surprise, she was awake and read it.  She was living in California with some guy and we started arguing.  The next morning I apologized and we started talking again.  She said she was moving back home and I asked if she wanted to hang out.  She joked about me wanting to kill her.  I reassured he I did not.  I went to her mom’s house in her hometown and picked her up.  Came back to my place, we caught up and shared the bed.  I got frisky but nothing happened.  The next night we went to a Halloween party, watched the series premier of The Walking Dead together, came home, and slept together.  We were immediately a couple again.

 

She had started reading weird self help books about how to be a better woman for your man and in a weird, chauvinistic way, I liked it.  Things were different but the same, I liked it.  Our mutual best friend ended up passing away and it brought us together a bit more but it also took a huge psychological toll on her. We went pretty good for a few months then my band mate told me he found her on a dating site.  I called her out on it.  The arguing started back up.  I got on dating sites as well, out of spite, and out of boredom.  I was a real shit head.  She moved into her own place.  We kept seeing each other, then one night we got into an argument and broke up.  We slept together a few times and I learned she had started seeing someone in Nebraska.  I feel like I slept with this girl while she was with another man.  I hated that feeling.

 

She moved back home and started dating some guy who looked like he was 50.  We stayed good friends and saw each other a lot of the next year.  She was happy with this guy and I was happy for her, and initally, I was OK with this.  But eventually it started to become harder to watch her be happy when I would remember how WE used to be that happy.  They were together for a while but eventually broke up.  I decided it was best if we just be friends and never thought anything of it.  She would come hang out with me in town and I would see her when I went down to catch up with our friend who had passed away's family.  This was fine for some time.

 

One day on OKCupid, I received a message from a girl.  We started chatting and seemed to be hitting it off.  There was definitely something about this girl that I was drawn to.  We had a lot in common and seemed to be very similar on our outlook on things.  She had that something about her that I was looking for in a partner and I jokingly told my friends she was my dream girl.  In actuality, I wasn't joking.  Our conversations were always stimulating and I was eager to meet her in person.  I started to inquire if she would like to go on a date and she said yes but never seemed to want to commit to anything.  She eventually told me she was interested in someone else.  It hurt a little because it seemed like we could have complimented each other so well.  

 

Eventually The Girl and I started hanging out more and I guess loneliness started opening up the door back to the possibilities of rekindling the flame with her.  We hung out at her small apartment she had gotten after her and her ex broke up and eventually started sleeping together again.  I hadn't talked to other girl from OKC much at all aside from some very seldom very brief friendly banter.  I had pretty much written her off but considered her one that got away if you will.  But out of nowhere, the girl from OKC had started showing interest again.  I got excited.  The Girl and I were not together despite her seeming to push the issue frequently but I wasn't sure we would work out.  I wasn't into her.

 

There were issues between me and her.  Even though we weren't together we had slept together a few times. Since this seemed like a FWB situation between us at best, I bought condoms to keep at her place for when I visited.  These condoms came up missing.  She claimed to not know where they went and I thought nothing of it.  Her neighbor across the courtyard moved out suddenly and she got the chance to move into his place.  It had a better floor plan so she took it.  When helping her move the bed we found one of the condoms underneath it.  She apologized but I told her not to worry about it.  We weren't together so I wrote it off as no big deal, but I guess it was also the seed of distrust for future arguments between us.

 

Eventually The Girl asked if we were seeing each other again and I said that I guessed we were.  But I would quickly flip flop and say we weren't.  Then I would say we were again.  Never really feeling confident in my decisions.  As I had mentioned the girl from OKC had started showing interest in me again.  One day she called me cute on a photo on Facebook and I immediately started glowing.  Then The Girl chimed in too and referred to me as her boyfriend.  We're we really together when this happened?  Probably, I don't exactly remember but I know at the time I immediately deleted the comments and apologized to the OKC girl.  I think I made up some lie trying to cover my tracks.  It was extremely out of character, and I don't know exactly what was going through my head.  All I know is at the time.  The OKC girl seemed like a much better time investment than The Girl and I would have gladly taken any chance with her that I could have gotten.  Unfortunately this pushed her away and I believe we talked again months later.  We never really talked again like we had been.  This is also the sleaziest thing I have ever done in the terms of romance and infidelity.  It is not who I am and it was definitely one of the weakest and most selfish moments of my life.  I have done things that are probably just as bad but not so much in the terms of my faith to a partner.

 

A month or so later on Valentine's Day, we ended up sending each other flowers.  We decided to give it a third official go.   I decided that I was going to give this 110% and be the most devoted to her that I could be.  I started driving the 60 miles to her after work and driving the 60 miles back to my job a couple nights a week and staying at my mom’s the others.  Things were pretty good for about two months then she got distant.  Really distant.  One of her coworkers was always at her house when I would arrive in town.  Her neighbor that took her old apartment would come over and argue with her at night when I stayed over.  She would always act weird about me around her friends.  Keep space between us and to me it felt like she was ashamed of me.  I started to feel like maybe she was trying to not let people think we were together.  She would go out and party and just stop texting me halfway through the night, mid conversation.

 

I started joking around about her other men.  She started to get mad when I would.  I kept doing because I started to suspect she was cheating on me.  I kept doing it because I just wanted her to cave and say she did it.  She never admitted to it.  One day I was at her house, she was at work.  It was awkward.  We had restocked on condoms the week before when I visited and my gut said count them.  We had only used one.  The box should only be short one.  So I did, it was short too.  I freaked, I paced around her house freaking out.  I talked myself down.  Maybe she had it in her purse because we liked to spontaneous but safe.  I started to get worked up again.  I went to her trash, I dug in and there it was.  I was furious.  

 

I threw the used condom on her counter, drove to her work, threw her keys to her apartment at her and proceeded to drive towards her mom’s.  She called me freaking out.  I called her out on everything.  I asked her who she did it with, she refused to tell me.  I continuously asked, she continuously refused.  She eventually said she had a threesome with a couple after getting drunk one night.  She didn’t do anything with the guy she just wanted to sleep with a girl.  I pulled up to her mom’s house, told her mom everything I had just found, apologized to her and said that I loved her daughter but I couldn’t believe she did this to me.  After she had spent so long begging me to get back with her.

 

That night she threatened to kill herself with pills.  I drove all the way back to her and talked her down.  I stayed the night with her and she tried to sleep with me.  I refused and she got mad at me.  We tried to work it out, I kept asking her if I was going to be the only person she was seeing and she refused.  We never stopped arguing, it was non stop.  She had a friend that she would bring over as soon as I would leave town.  I accused her of sleeping with him too, she denied it.  

 

I called into work one morning and told her I was going to kill myself now.  I was dumb, hurt, and a piece of shit for stooping that low.  She freaked out and called my step-mom.  I asked her if she would stay with me and only me, she reluctantly agreed.  I told her I would move to California with her, where she was originally from, so we could start a new with no one we knew around us.  She wanted to drag all of her friends with us.  I kept telling her that this felt like she would leave me as soon as we got out there.  She never said she wouldn’t.  We had one last argument that I can’t remember and another year went by.

 

I met another girl on OKC and we started seeing each other.  She was 10 years younger than me and it felt really weird.  I decided to give her a chance because she was into a lot of the same stuff I was into, something The Girl had never been.  I said I would give it a shot because maybe she was super mature for her age.  Me being 30 and her being 20, it never felt right.  I wasn't sure at the time how serious things would get, but she was kinda fun, and played video games with me.  I confide to her that I had been hurt and had some trust issues.  Was weary of being cheated on again.  She told me she was only a one man woman and not to worry.    But I couldn’t keep up with her. 

 

Shortly after The Girl and I stopped talked the last time I had landed a really good job.  It was an 8 to 5, I went to bed around 10 because I was tired and wanted to.  This girl was up until 4 am giggling with her friends.  I could not keep up.  I told her to find someone closer to her age and ended it.  She said she understood.

 

A week later she called me crying, and confessed that she was still in love with her ex.  That she had been sleeping with him while sleeping with me.  I exploded.  My temper is my weakest attribute, I try to control it but fail often.  I yelled at her about how I had told her that The Girl had cheated on me and it was my biggest fear.  She told me that she loved him and I told her that she knew nothing of love.  Because I had been hurt and used by someone and despite all my anger and rage, I still felt strongly for them, I still had a desire to be with them.  I yelled at her for a good 10 to 15 minutes and hung up the phone.  She called me non stop for a week straight and would send me texts.  I ignored it all.  Until one day she told me she knew The Girl and that she had reached out to her and told her how I still had feelings for her.  The Young’n told me that The Girl had been keeping tabs on me and missed me as well.

 

I messaged The Girl.

 

I told her she needed to stop stalking me.  A few months before I met The Young’n, I had received a handwritten letter from The Girl.  I never read it, I immediately shredded it.  I told her this, she told me it was a therapy letter that her therapist suggested she write.  I apologized, we talked, and we caught up.  She was living in Kansas City and offered to come visit me.  She had just broken off an engagement to a guy who looked like a Geico caveman and was being annoyed by him because they lived together still.  

 

We quickly joked about how we always seem to find out way back to each other and I started saying we should run off and get married.  I was a damn fool.  She agreed and we said around Christmas time, we would elope to Vegas.  This went on for about a month.  We met up at a hotel and slept with each other.  Not the sexy way this time, we just held each other.  She asked if I was ok with her living with an ex, I said it was fine as long as he was cool with me sleeping in the same bed as her when I came to visit.  She lied, said he didn’t mind.  Then her story changed and she said I had to sleep on the couch for various reasons.  We quickly started arguing again because she was telling me she wasn’t ready to get back in a relationship.  I was pushy and kept asking why not.  She started not having time or money to see me but was always running off to her hometown.  One night a friend of hers ousted her for spending the evening with him getting drunk when she told me she had just drove to her hometown to see her mom.  My mind immediately went to her cheating and we started arguing really badly.  

 

It got bad and she went back to her ex she was living with but didn’t tell me.  She lied about it for about a week, or at least as she had said, they weren’t together but she told him that’s when they got back together.  Christmas eve that is.  She told me she didn’t want to do anything with me on New Years and I said ok, then she went out with some other people.  I got mad, we argued, and we stopped talking again.

 

We went about another year, and I will be honest, I don’t remember how we started talking again.  I think she messaged me on Facebook.  She was living in Salt Lake City and told me about how her and the Geico guy fell apart quickly and she came to SLC, stayed for a bit and met a guy.  He was a mess and they argued a lot.  She committed herself because she was having some issues with her anxiety and stress.  She told me how she went to Seattle or a bit but had to come back to SLC.  She left the terrible guy in Seattle with his family because he kept threatening to kill himself or some shit.  I asked her to come live with me and we could get a place.  Maybe work things out now that we were older and make a real adult relationship and make it work.  She agreed.

 

She never made it though.  She looked for work for about a week and then started looking back in Kansas City.  She got a job there and moved there instead.  I was a little heart broken but she told me it would just be temporary while she got readjusted.  She also brought a weird looking guy with her.  A guy whom she complained about constantly.  About how he was weird, and how she had to remind him to brush his teeth.  I thought nothing of it.  She told me she constantly argued with this guy.  I asked her if she had dated this guy and she said no.  They were just friends.  

 

I went up to see her one day and we decided to go see The Force Awakens.  She was reluctant because she had told Weird Looking Guy that they were going to see it.  I told her he would get over it and we went and saw it.  WLG was blowing up her phone through the entire movie.  Before and after.  Even called her in the middle of it.  I dropped her off and she called me and told me that she was sitting in her car and WLG was circling her car and mad at her.  I said I was going to come back and he took off.  

 

She went to Denver and stayed with the Geico caveman who had stayed there when she drug him out there a year before.  She told me she went to a wedding but months afterwards the “married couple” still hadn’t made it Facebook official.  I was probably just paranoid but I was also pretty sure she just went out there to the caveman.

 

I kept asking when she was going to start looking for work and moving in with me and she kept putting it off.  We started arguing again and I said I didn’t feel like I could trust her still and we broke things off.  To be completely honest this is probably the fuzziest time we tried to date, as it’s the second most recent and it wasn’t very eventful.  I’m sure I showed my ass and we argued a lot.  We always argued.  I can safely say it probably ended with me telling her to not talk to me again as par for the course.

 

A few months later she hit me with a cute text saying it was her regularly scheduled check up.  I ignored it.  A month or so after that, she hit me with a weird one.  She asked if I would get back with her and get her pregnant.  She had decided she wanted a kid.  I had always wanted a family, so I said yes.  She had drug WLG to Portland with her for a bit and then down to Tampa Bay, FL.  I asked her if WLG was still around and she said he was but he didn’t live with her.  I think this was the truth.  But she said he would always come over and bother her and get mad when they didn’t hang out.  It was weird.  

 

Of course the more she talked about coming back home and us getting back together and having a baby the more I started to remember how much I couldn’t trust her.  About how much she liked to lie.  I backed out.  I went back in, I backed out… Then I went back in....  Then I backed out one last time.  I was living with a nightmare roommate and I decided to buy a house.  So I did.

 

She moved back to KC and I moved into my own house.  I asked her to come see it,  she bailed on me.  I asked her to come see it again, she bailed on me again.  She would periodically ask me if I was ready to knock her up yet.  I would refuse.  She had started hanging out with a White Guy with Dreads.  He was a musician and liked the music he played.  I thought nothing of it, it wasn’t my problem.  I had suddenly decided that I was going to go ahead and work it out with her so I invited her to see my place again.  Now at this point, I was on a three year dry spell.  So I think my little brain was probably thinking more than my big brain.  She bailed on me.  Come to find out she bailed on me to sleep with WGwD.  

 

She was hurt by this because she actually wanted to date him and he just wanted a notch on his headboard.  I comforted her and she moved on.  She eventually made one of the worst decisions of her life.  She met Scumbag on a dating site and ran off to meet him in Illinois one night.  She immediately decided to jump into a relationship with him.  Talked him into moving back to KC with her and so he did.  Then they broke up the next day.  

 

A few weeks later they were back together.  She told me that he was hot and that they had great sex together and that they would always argue and then “fuck it out.”  It made me jealous.  It made me mad.  As much as I didn’t trust her, I was dumb and still in love with her.  She told me they were going to get married and start firing out babies.  I got mad and said I was happy for her and that I figured now we could finally drift apart in piece.  This made her mad and we argued for a few days.  I was just jealous and at this point realized that I would probably never get over her.  It sucked.

 

This guy turned out to be a serial cheater, and a sociopath.  They argued all the time, but she was under his spell.  They told each other they were going to kill themselves all the time and they were always breaking up.  She got violent and threatened to hurt him and actually did at one point.  I eventually talked her into coming and staying the night with me when he had been gone for about a week.  It turned out later, that during this week, he was out staying with another girl.  I told her to move in with me to get away from him and to “detox.”  She agreed.  We went out with one of her friends and had a good night.  She had some drinks and slept in my bed with her friend they left in the morning.  She left some things here and had to come back for them.  We went to breakfast and I told her to stay with me and maybe if things went well we’d finally give it one last shot.  She told me she didn’t know if that would be a good idea and she also told me was going to move to Denver instead and possibly had a job in LA that she was waiting to hear from.

 

She went to Denver and while she was out there told me she was thinking of coming back.  She said she kinda wanted to go back to KC but didn’t because Scumbag was there and she would end up back with him if she went there.  I told her she was right.  Then she got the job in LA.

 

Now a thing I had learned about The Girl over the years is that if she went “radio silent” she was doing something dumb.  She had went radio silent when she went off to meet Scumbag, she had went radio silent the night she slept with the guy years before and called me crying about it.  What I mean is that she’ll message and text you all day one day and then you hear nothing the next.  I am sure you understood what I meant.  Well she told me she got the job in LA and then went radio silent.  I knew she was getting back with Scumbag.  

 

Now I did leave out a conversation from when she got with Scumbag the first time.  When she had told me that they were going to get married and have babies she also told me that she would rather do it with me.  I wasn’t interested and I didn’t quite know him as Scumbag yet, but I felt bad for him.  She would drop him in an instant if I had just said yes.  So this leads to another detail of the story.  I don’t have secrets, I never delete anything.

 

I creeped on Scumbag’s Facebook.  He had set his city to LA, but it was just a picture of him.  The Girl had not changed her city yet.  But she had befriended scumbag on Facebook.  I called her out on it.  So did a lot of people apparently, but I told her I could not be her friend if she was going continue being friends with him.  I unfriended her.  Here is another scummy thing I have done recently.  I knew she was checking up on me.  So I set my status to In a Relationship and within a few hours she messaged me about it.  I told her what I had did and she jokingly asked how long she lasted.  I told her a few hours.

 

But I knew she was heading to LA with Scumbag, and I had decided that when one of them messed up and revealed that they were back together.  I was going to send him the messages she had sent.  Eventually they did and the messages he did receive.  I immediately felt guilty.  It was a terrible thing to do and they were going to have a huge fight about it.  I started to get worried he might actually hurt her.  I had serious remorse but at the same time I did not.  I tell myself I did it to try and drive him away, I am sure there was more to it than that.  I did still feel like I wanted to be with her again.  Maybe it was more of a if I can’t have her nobody can situation.  She got incredibly mad.  Told me to die in a tire fire, that I was a pathetic human, that I couldn’t get a real girl and was jealous of them.  Maybe she was right. She told me later that he begged her to bring him along and she felt bad.  I know this is a lie, you don’t get that kind of angry if you didn’t want the guy there with you.  

 

During this time, I had let a friend move in and take a spare room.  His girlfriend was about to graduate and they were supposed to move in together while he worked for a bit and prepared to move away for grad school.  In what felt like a last minute decision I guess, they decided to move into their own place.  It sucked because I enjoyed having the company around and over the last few years, my depression had started to go out of control.  It was getting harder and harder to keep it at bay and it was making all the loneliness I felt that much worse.  I had a break down and ended up alienating myself from my friends.  It was a terrible thing to do and I told myself I was OK to do it.  I spent about a month laying in bed and then I finally told myself to get over it.  I went to a doctor and got some help.  Got some meds, and I have been getting better.

 

A month or two later while I was working a second job I picked back up before my friend moved out.  I got a message on OKC from a girl in Denver who said she had a friend that I would be perfect for.  I told her to hook a brother up, and her reply was that I knew her and it hadn’t worked before.  For some reason I didn’t think The Gild so I asked who it was.  She replied it was her.  I stopped replying.

 

She messaged me again a few weeks later and asked if I really hated her.  I told her that I did not, and that I would always love her but she makes really bad decisions and I can’t be her friend.  She replied that she probably didn’t want that and that the guy had started forcing sex upon her and was trying to get her pregnant now against her will.

 

I messaged The Girl.

 

I told her I didn’t hate her and that I was sorry for what I did.  I told her my intention was to just run him off.  She said it didn’t work.  She told me the story and I felt bad.  She had already left LA and was back in KC.  The job sucked and the Scumbag made it all worse.  She confirmed what the OKC friend had said.  Told me she left him in Denver and came back to KC.  She said she was working at a terrible job and lived in a filthy house with a junkie and had a bunch of people that lived across the street that would catcall her all the time.  I offered my place one last time and she accepted.

 

I told her before she moved in that I wanted to give it that one last shot.  I figured that after what she had been through with Scumbag, that after he did to her a similar thing that she did to me all those years ago.  Maybe she would be ready to be serious with me.  To commit to me.  To not hurt me, to not act ashamed of me or keep me a secret.  To be proud of being with me.  She told me she didn’t know, was afraid it wouldn’t work.  I said that was cool.  I told her to take her time and work on her.  I offered to pay some of her bills and let her work a part time job to start seeing a therapist.  To get over what Scumbag had put her through.  I told her no expectations but that was a lie to her and myself.  I wanted her back, I wanted her back bad.

 

She moved in and took my spare room, I immediately told her she could sleep in my bed with me.  She thanked me because she was uncomfortable sleeping alone.  Within a few nights we started holding each other.  Holding hands.  I was giving her backrubs.  She asked if it was ok, she told me she needed me to do this kind of stuff because it was helping her get over everything.  I more than obliged.  She started acting more and more like a girlfriend again.  We cuddled on the couch, she would make pouty faces and noises if I wasn’t letting her cuddle on lay on me.  We went on a date to a fancy restaurant.  I asked her to invite her mom up for Thanksgiving because I didn’t want her to spend it alone.  Things were going pretty damn good for me because I had decided that I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her and it looked like I might be getting my wish.

 

Unfortunately I started taking all these actions to heart.  She had apparently only wanted to do all this to help comfort herself.  Not because she was feeling anything.  She claims to have been very clear about this.  I guess I misunderstood.  Halloween rolled around and we did a “couples” costume and it was fun.  The next day we started flirting again, heavily.  She went to see her mom and told me she was starting to catch feeling again.  She came home one night and I had cooked her a date dinner.  We jokingly got on the subject of sex.and she said let’s just go bang it out in the bedroom.  I rejected because I knew she was joking and was too nervous cause I hadn’t had sex in three years.  Performance anxiety to the max.

 

As I said, I had been constantly asking her if she just wanted to get back with me already.  She would always say, not yet.  Or ask later.  She had also said she kind of wanted to date around.  I thought nothing of this despite knowing she had dating sites active.  Of course I slumped into a piece of shit move and got back on them myself.  Well they were still active.  I had been on them for some time but hadn’t been checking since she moved in.  She had always seemed to get jealous of other girls in the past and would always belittle the ones that I tried to pursue.  So I figured I could get her to cave in if I seemed like I was trying to find someone else.  It was manipulative and a terrible thing to do.  

 

As I said we spent the week flirting and I kept asking her to get back with me and to marry me and she kept saying not now, ask later.  She started working a job with long hours and going out at night and spending time catching up with friends.  Based on our history, this was something that should have angered me, but I had told myself that I was going to get over that.  That I wasn't going to let the past bear any issues on this.  The worst I had done was question why she wanted to constantly go over to one friend's house whom she had complained seemed to want nothing to do with her once he had found a girlfriend.  A friend who bailed on her multiple times.  I ignored all these thoughts.  I wanted this to work, I was going to do better.

 

We had lunch the weekend after Halloween and at lunch she asked me if I wanted to just be friends with benefits.  I told her no I wanted more than that.  We had a slight argument about it the next day and Monday I said fine if that’s what she wanted.  This was clearly my little brain calling the shots now.  This was two weeks ago today.  She came home that night and we slept together twice that night.  Over the next few days we talked about all the sexy time rewards I would get if I worked out with her and how I would lose it if I ate bad food.  It was fun, I loved it, so I started asking her to get back with me again.  I would push and she would say ask later.  I got confused and got mad and said some dumb shit.  

 

We had always viewed sex fairly differently.  I viewed it as more of a connection and she viewed it as sex.  So we started arguing one morning and I said I was cool with it because she wanted to sleep around.  She said she didn’t want to just sleep around.  I followed up with a question of if she didn’t want to sleep with other people and only me why not just be with me.  She said she wasn’t ready.  Eventually we argued more and more about it and I referred this as her wanting to run around in “whore” mode because every time I try to get back with her she isn’t ready for commitment yet.  It was a dumb thing to say.

 

We argued over the weekend and I eventually decided to let her have the tickets to the comedian we were going to see.  But I was also confused, because we had made up from that fight and in the mornings I had been giving her good bye kisses and I stopped because I had crossed a line.  I was trying to dial things back.  But she started making pouty faces because I wasn’t doing it.  She made a pouty face because I didn’t kiss her goodbye before she left for the weekend to go see this show.  She stayed in her hometown that night and went to KC last Sunday to see the show.  She came back to town Monday and went hiking and posted the pictures on Facebook.  In one of the pictures I saw a man.  I didn’t recognize him.

 

The next night she went to a job interview and got a new job.  She told me she was also going to delete Facebook because Scumbag was harassing her.  I said ok, no need to explain.  The next morning I noticed she still had an icon on my Facebook app at the top.  I opened up our chat and it showed she had been online recently.  I was confused but I ignored it and went to work.  After I got to work I started thinking about it again.  I launched Facebook and went to her profile and it said content not available.  I opened up our chat and it said she had recently been online.  I knew she had just blocked me.  So I created another account and went to her profile to see a picture of her and another man.  A man she friended on Facebook the night after we slept together.  She was now in a relationship with him.  I was mad, I exploded, I told her to get out.  She cried that she had nowhere to go.  I told her that it wasn’t my problem.  That I felt used.  I told her to go live with this guy.  

 

The last week we have been arguing with each other.  The nastiest we have ever argued.  She tells me she thought about getting back with me but didn’t want to because it hadn’t worked in the past.  That she didn’t like how mad I got.  I don’t blame her for being worried about that.  I do get too mad sometime.  I was working really hard to not let it though.  But I think the thing that hurts the most is that she was afraid to work it out because she didn’t like that we argued but I am always ready to overlook the fact that I caught her cheating on me.  It’s been a rough week.  I’ve said some nasty shit to her.  I’ve told her she couldn’t stay here.  She demanded that I had to let her because I drug her here under false pretenses.  I told her I didn’t want her here because I felt like she used me.  I had agreed to work through her issues by allowing her some light intimacy but I fell into it too hard.  As previously described, the intimacy went from light to heavy fairly quickly.  I told her for the last month I had everything I had been wanting.  To come home to her every night and hold her as we slept.  I made unreasonable demands regarding rent if she wanted to stay here.  I dug up information and criticized the guy she was now with.  It was childish but I was mad.  It was not right.  But I am not sure what she did was right either.  Had I agreed to cuddle her to comfort or not.  I still feel used. Today she moved everything out while I was at work.  So for the last 10 years I have been in love with a girl who only seems to be able to hurt me and for some damn reason I can’t stop.

 

UPDATE:  If anyone is still reading on this, or if random people are still popping in.  I shared this with my friends and after some moral support and encouragement, I am healing, I am moving on, and I am permanently closing this chapter of my life.  I almost had the door completely closed once before and I am going to do that once again.  Except this time the door is going be fully shut and locked.  I will probably always have love for her in my heart but she is not good for me.  She's not going to be good for anyone until she realizes who she is and what she does to people.  Then gets the help she really needs.  Thanks to all who have read this story.