I got inspired to write this when thinking about a long and singularly interesting debate I had with a friend a while ago. I still think of it often. The debate was about courtship vs. betrothal. In the end, we were both convinced that both methods are good; but I prefer courtship and she prefers betrothal. I’m perfectly satisfied with that. I’m in no way offended if someone’s personal preference is different than mine, as long as they’re not judging me for doing things differently. And the girl I debated is not—but there are some people who do judge other Christians who do not follow the method of betrothal. So my reason for writing this is not to explain why I prefer courtship, but simply to show that it is not in any way inappropriate.

Let me start by saying that I am not one bit offended that these people want to explain why they think betrothal is better than courtship. What does offend me is when they throw fallacious attacks, hasty assumptions, twisted accusations, and outright slander, at courtship. They say it’s “defrauding by definition”. They say it causes lust. They say it keeps parents from their responsibilities. They say it doesn’t work. Clearly, these people have no idea what they’re talking about. To do a quick debunk of all the lies I just mentioned: it doesn’t steal anyone’s rights; it only causes lust if abused; parents maintain authority and guidance in it; and it usually does work out. Signed: someone who has seen it happen this way several times. Now of course, all this only applies if it is being done properly. I’m sure there are some people out there who allow these things to be true of their courtship—but that is not what courtship is in general. Perhaps it is true that courtship does not happen as often as it should, but there are ways to fix that besides betrothal (not that betrothal is bad). So I at least hope they don’t know what they’re talking about—because if they do, then they are lying.

So let’s look deeper into this statement “courtship is defrauding, by definition.” What rights are involved in courtship? The parents’ rights to guide and govern the big decision in the lives of their children, and the children’s rights to have a say in who they get stuck with for the rest of their life. How can I prove these things? The Bible says that parents have authority, and it says that children are not to be abused (e.g. heartbroken horribly and possibly forever without reason). In courtship, both of these things happen. If the daughter is not interested in the man who wants to court her, she should definitely at least pray about him and give him consideration, but will not need to go into a deep relationship with the man if she feels that God does not have him for her. You may argue that if things don’t work out, the friendship will then be awkward—but I actually know someone to whom that happened, and he told me they were still good friends just as before. So it doesn’t have to be awkward.

Blaming courtship for lust is like blaming guns for murder. For one thing, courtship is not likely to cause lust, especially if you’re in love with the person at the start. I’ve talked to people who once had pornography addictions and still have difficult struggles with lust—and they are in love, and they tell me that they are basically never tempted to lust after the object of their love. Why? Because true love is Godly devotion. But if courtship is causing you to lust, the problem is not with the courtship. The problem is with you. If owning a gun makes you want to go murder someone, it’s not the gun that’s murderous! So don’t get rid of the gun; just pray and fight against the temptation. However, if you find that you cannot seem to stop using courtship for lust, then it might be best to stop doing it—for you. But for most people, I can safely say, there next to zero risk of lust. If you want to use a method that will almost guarantee no lust whatsoever, go with arranged marriage.

Does it keep parents from their responsibilities? Before we can answer that question, we must first answer another. What are the parents’ responsibilities? Biblically, the parents’ responsibilities—besides providing—are to guide and govern their children in a Christ-like way. This does not mean they have to be the first ones to think of a particular person for their child to marry. In fact, there’s nothing in Scripture that even hints that. Generally, as long as the child doesn’t marry without the parents’ permission/blessing, the parents’ authority is still being perfectly respected.

Does it usually fail? Almost all courtships I have ever heard of have worked out. Now, I will admit that it does not happen—that is, begin and then end in marriage—as often as would be best. Betrothal is a way of fixing this, but not the only way—not even necessarily the best way. Another way would be for parents to encourage their children to consider marriage—even about a specific person—but without trying to push them into anything. And there are several other wise ways to make it happen more often.

Some people also say that there should be no romantic love between the couple until they are married. Again, this is found in Scripture nowhere. Romantic love should be moderated, of course, but if it is not there at all, there is likely some presumption going on. The couple is assuming that they will fall in love with each other after they marry. And if two Godly people are living together, it probably will happen—but there may be all kinds of messy complications and disasters to work out before it happens. While God will use this for good, it is still best to try to avoid it. Some will argue that romantic love before marriage is a risk of losing bits of your heart with someone—because, they say, what if you don’t marry that person? Well, if you’re careful, none of your heart has to be stuck with your first love if you marry someone else. I’ve seen this happen, too! Jacob and Rachel are often used as examples of betrothal among these people (even though Jacob did choose Rachel, for the record; all Isaac did was tell him where to find his wife)—and I say this in all serious—since they respect him so much, I will use him as an example here. He loved Rachel for seven years before marrying her. That’s a long time. And why did he marry her? Because he loved her—not the other way around. (And don’t talk about that disgraceful scam Uncle Laban pulled—I’d hope you don’t look to that as an example!) So having such feelings in moderation can provide a good foundation for a relationship.

People who believe in betroth also believe that it is important to marry young. Again, I have no problem with this. But there’s always that one group of people, isn’t there? Yes, some people will say that it is inappropriate or even sinful not to look for a relationship the split second you’re ready for marriage—or to simply remain single unless you’re devoting yourself to God as a eunuch. If you’ve ever read 1 Corinthians 7 for what it actually says, you know that this is nonsense. Of course, these people have excuses that twist that chapter into something else, saying it’s the worst passage to defend singleness. But the Bible is not Silly Putty—we must take it for what it says—without equivocation, misapplication, or mingling with other Scriptures that are not directly related. God calls some people to marry at a young age, and He calls others to wait. It’s a reality. If it was actually sinful to do this, God would have said it specifically in His Word.

Now, is the method of betrothal itself commanded in Scripture? Some people will say that it is the method God teaches and that nothing else is Biblical or appropriate. But where do we find this in Scripture? The people who claim to see it are treating the Bible like a scavenger hunt. They’ll defend it by pointing out that it’s mentioned in the Old Covenant laws and the teachings in the epistles, that many Godly people did it, and that the word “betrothal” is mentioned several times in the Bible.

Okay. It is mentioned in the Old Covenant laws. True! But the laws do not imply that betrothal must be done; they are simply laws regarding it. There are also laws regarding oxen, but that does not mean that everyone is Biblically required to own an ox. The reason there were laws regarding betrothal is because people did things differently back then. There were different traditions. And even if none of these things were true, the Old Covenant law is outdated by Christ. As for the teachings in the epistles: same thing (they’re not outdated, though).

Many Godly people did it. Well, the Bible says that many Godly people did betrothal, but it does not define what betrothal is—but we’ll get to that in a minute. Just because many Godly people did something doesn’t mean it’s the only appropriate method, or even that it’s right. Many Godly people had multiple wives in the Bible, too. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not comparing betrothal to polygamy; I’m just pointing out that Godly people can be—actually, that Godly people are—imperfect. But as I have said, I do not think betrothal is bad or even unwise (if done properly, of course). God does not expect all generations and cultures to abide by the traditions of the Godly people in the Bible—He only expects the world to abide by His Word. Perhaps those traditions may be good to consider as potential examples, but they may have fit that particular culture better, too. Regardless, if some Christians think they have a wiser way, they are at liberty to do it if it does not go against Biblical standards.

The word “betrothal” is used several times in the Bible. Indeed it is. But this is the most sadly pathetic argument. The Bible never defines the method of “betrothal.” These people are taking their definition of betrothal as a relationship and applying it to the word used in Scripture. No doubt, they have studied the cultures and traditions and time periods to come up with this definition—but all we really know is that they did things differently than modern methods, such as courtship. And the method may have changed over time, too, as the Bible was written. It is obvious what betrothal means: that two people have agreed to get married—engagement. No specific method is implied to be connected with it in the Bible. Using the same logic as these people, I could say that I believe the Bible implies that “Sabbath” means “slumber party”, and that we should always have a slumber party on the LORD’s Day—and that if you don’t, you are behaving inappropriately.

In light of all this, the people who say that betrothal is the only appropriate way to get married are putting words in God’s mouth. They are using—or, rather, misusing—Scripture as a weapon against courtship. They are also imposing their own standards on other people, which is low-grade legalism.

But it gets even worse, and even amusing, to be honest. An organization which I believe I do wisely to leave unnamed did an experiment on some people who were courting. Their level of so-called “sexual” attraction was measured as they courted. Now, for one thing, I really hope that the “sexual” meter was misnamed. If it was technically measured their level of sexual attraction, that would mean that instruments are hooked up to—you know—down there, in their area. That would be obscene. I think it more likely that their attraction to the person was measured—somehow or other—but that it had nothing to do with sexual stuff or lust. Anyway, when these children were just talking to their parents about their POI, and the pseudoscientist that was reading the meter kept making amazed comments about how the sexual meter was going up. This all played up courtship to look like an erotic ritual that had the same effects as worldly dating. Whenever you’re thinking about someone for marriage, unless you have an aversion to them, you’re going to think of them in with an attracted mindset. If you’ve agreed to marry whoever your parents pick for you, then you will likely have an automatic attraction when they tell you who they’ve picked. And that is entirely appropriate; just because it’s attraction doesn’t mean it’s lust, which is adultery (I’m attracted to cool-looking cars; figure out my purpose in mentioning that). But the most ridiculous part is that they were doing this whole sexual meter thing on these children while they were doing nothing but talking to their parents about the person they wanted to court. The same thing happens with betrothal!

I will reiterate that if you want to tell people why you think betrothal is better than courtship, have at it! Even if you think there are some dangers in courtship, then feel free to point them out. But there are two things you must not do. First, do not call courtship all kinds of negative terms. Do not pick any one thing that could go wrong with courtship and blow it up into a big deal. Secondly, do not act like your definition of betrothal is the epic rescue, and the only Biblical path to marriage. Of course, I have reasons for preferring courtship over betrothal, although honestly, I’d rather do something in-between—but that’s a different issue. This is an issue on which we must each do our conscience without judging others. If someone wants to debate, fine; but don’t try to be everyone’s boss. And above all, don’t treat Bible verses like Legos. Read the Bible for what it is. The method of finding a spouse is something that God has left up to our consciences, and if God has left something there, it is best kept there.