BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT "FIX" CRISIS - MY APOLOGY
I am deeply ashamed to admit to being the perpetrator of the the recent Britain's Got Talent "fix" crisis.
Firstly, I would like to offer my sincerest and unreserved apologies to anyone who read that document and for all the distress and hurt I've caused to so many people. But in particular, Ronan Parke and his family, Mr Simon Cowell, SyCo, Sony Music and everyone associated with BGT. What I did was wrong and I have no excuse for my actions. That said, I think I owe an explanation to all concerned.
I live with Bipolar Disorder. The last 5/6 weeks have been particularly difficult to manage, as I have been experiencing 'rapid-cycling', with mood swings every 2 or 3 days, taking me from deep depression into hyper-mania and then back again. It's an extremely confusing and horrible way to live.
I fully accept, of course, that my mental health is my responsibility and I should have sought help as soon as I was aware of decline. But I do find it really difficult to spot when things start getting out of control.
When I'm hyper-manic I tend to confine myself to the house, as I can often be abusive and argumentative to strangers and alike, with really coarse and obscene remarks. Things, I ordinarily wouldn't think, let alone say. Unfortunately, even when confined to quarters, I still have access to the Internet on which to project the unbelievable bizarrities of mental incapacity.
From the outset of this years BGT, such is my mental health, I believed everything I was seeing and hearing was fake and contrived in order to dupe and manipulate the viewers. Loads of crazy shit really including, the use of flashing stage lighting to induce suggestability etc. It was very sinister and looking back, bizarre. I also had it in my head that, I was the only one who could see this happening.
I became over-occupied, if not a little obsessed with my feelings about BGT. I began seeing fans of the show as "morons" for perpetuating, on Facebook and Twitter, what I saw as Simon's Cowell's "cancerous manipulation".
Shamefully, I've lashed out many times on the Internet, mainly fans of BGT, with ever increasing aggressiveness and unpleasentness. I'm so sorry. When I'm like this I can say things I wouldn't normally think, let alone say.
When it came to the semi-finals, I don't know whether it was the scheduling of BGT over six consecutive nights, or just a horrible coincidence of timing, but I became fully manic in my behaviour and I think, looking back, quite psychotic in my thinking.
The whole BGT thing became much worse; I was convinced a document had been "planted" in my mind. It was a document of such importance, it would prove to the nation how they have been "conned", but worse, how "evil" Simon Cowell really was. Things are so fucked-up in my head, I thought I was the only person who have this "knowledge" and I had been "choosen" to tell the world. More importantly, I *needed* to save a kid from the "evil" clutches of Simon Cowell. People will probably laugh at this, but to me, at the time, it was fucking terrifying!
I think it was a Bank Holiday and I remember sitting up all night, trying to decipher and read the document in my head, but all I could see was snippets and the odd sentence. It was like the most crazy jig-saw puzzle ever. I became totally consumed.
I'm not sure if it was Tuesday or Wednesday when I was first able to "read" and visualise the entire document. It was awful and damning. I *had* to get this document out and although it was anonymous, I felt certain any investigation would show it to be true. We all know what happened next.
I finally crashed out of the manic episode. I'm still both mentally and physically exhausted. I haven't even begun to take in full extent of the damage, I don't think I can, but I want this apology and statement of regret to be the first thing I do while I still have some clarity and focus of thought. I know I can't repair the damage I've done so this is perhaps, the least I can do.
Even if the authorities wanted to catch-up with me, I doubt they'd be able to, as I always mask my true IP Address with someone elses. So that doesn't bother me too much. What deeply troubles me in all this though, is the hurt and distress I have caused to *so* many people, including a young lad. This is wholly unforgivable of me and I 'm finding that aspect of my actions particularly difficult to live with right now. There isn't words to explain how I feel. I'm supposed to be a highly intelligent person, but when I'm manic, or hyper-manic even, I can behave like a fucking idiot. I take the meds as prescribed by my psychiatrist and I keep regular appointments with her and my Care Co-ordinator. But even with that level of professional support, I still keep going into the world of crazy.
Given my current state of mental health, mood levels and self-harm considerations, I fear I'd be Sectioned and, having been there before, I have no intention of a return visit. So please excuse my anonimity.
I don't blame people if they draw comfort from the fact that right now, my suffering is extreme and I'm in a very dark place with only my demons for company. The hatred I have for myself is unbearable as it is intense and I have plummeted into the nightmarish hell of consuming depression. As usual, it's all of my own doing and I'm well deserving of it. There's no punishment a Court could hand-down, which could possibly make me feel worse than I do now.
If there's any good can come of this awful situation, it is, I hope, that people gain a greater understanding of Bipolar Disorder http://bit.ly/atiRWm
To conclude, I hope you feel able to accept my apology. I also want to apologise to my own family and friends, who know nothing of this latest catastrophe. Their support has been more than I could ever deserve and I'm sorry to have let them down so badly, but I hope they will be able to forgive me and never regret having known or loved me.
Again, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.
**Edit** Please don't think I'm violent or anything ghastly like that, I'm not. This is the very first time one of my manic episodes has brought harm to anyone other than myself and I am truly horrified.
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