Well, it’s my two and a half year “Tranny-versary” and I have this to say about my recent development as a transsexual, “I quit.” Yeah, you heard me, I turned a corner and discovered that a man’s transsexual phase is not only a passing fad but a hazardous one too.  I am no longer Rika Stiles, and I am reclaiming my initial identity as a normal, cis-gendered male named Robert Stiles. People everywhere are invited to dismiss me as a fake, a phony, an attention whore and all that other namecalling bullcrap but I have this to say: Gender Transition is not for everyone and is not a definite resolution for people who are unhappy with their performance as a cisgendered male or female. Listen, I do not believe in God, nor Christianity and I am not a preacher nor a reverend but I do believe there was a specific purpose a man or a woman was born the way they were. Simply first, your organic man and lady parts will serve you a lot better than if you pull a Mrs. Garrison. But all joking aside, I went through a near death, traumatic experience that I brought upon myself by gulping down hormones as if they were thorazine pills.

     First off, a little background history, I never had issues with my gender until I was processed through the great American system of education. Teachers, Principals and other staff will not admit this but the learning environment is heavily sexualized with adolescent men and women struggling to come to terms with their emerging and quite possibly volatile sexualities. In high school, I was strictly beta male with all the stereotypes that need be applied, I was an online gaming addict, I had a learning disability, I was frequently bullied at school and I sought approval in places elsewhere from school because I believed everyone was preconditioned to be against me. Women NEVER approached me; while I can now sit back and laugh at this now, back them it was a pretty big fucking deal.  Every day I had search deep down inside me to figure what I had that they sorely despised. As a kid, I could never find out, I would always be picked on by girls too and one time, I even went too far and nailed one right in the throat from sheer frustration of her taunting me.

     I HOPE this paints an accurate picture of me honestly because I want you to see that an unstable person like me should not have been able to have obtained female hormones as easily as I did. In Philadelphia, I simply lied to a therapist that I had gender dysphoria (a syndrome where you are not comfortable in your body and would prefer you were another gender) and was able to get female hormones no questions asked. Why did I truly want female hormones? Well, that is yet another story.

    Call me the guy from Silence of the Lambs but I gained the desire to transition from a love of a famous actress and a need to hide from people who claimed they had would find me and have me murdered so I wanted to pick an alternate identity. You can call me crazy and any other fucking bullshit that goes along with it but back then, I was really immature and did not have reasonable thinking at the time being. The first reason I wanted to transition had to do with something I’d like to call the “Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em” principle.

     One of the prime motivations for a man to transition is because of sexual frustration and this comes from an infatuation with women that is never reciprocated. As a result, most pre- MTF transgenders say “Well, these bitches will never understand me and ONLY I know what it takes for a women to please me, so I’ll just become a dream girl for myself.” It’s a fetish thing really. I was extremely passionate for the progressive women character in the Resident Evil film series played by Milla Jovovich and since I knew I could never know Milla, I would have the next best thing. Soon enough, I found myself claiming I had “gender dysphoria” and participating in LGBT meetings and conventions just to justify the fact I wanted to play dress up as my favorite heroine.

    By July 2011, I was fulfilling the standard MTF transsexual stereotype, only getting dressed as Milla to photograph myself and jack off. That was what I’d call the first stage of decay, the second was when the hormones went to my head and inspired me to perform outrageous and self-deprecating acts on the internet. The first thing hormones did naturally was make me very hormonal and often, I’d find myself getting severely pissed at things that would only tick off a child. I was angry that I was not the most adored transsexual at the LGBT center at William Way. I frequently got into bouts with the other trannies and a final attempt to attack other tranny for hypocrisy got myself kicked out of the community altogether. My hormonal addled brain decided the only way to settle this fight was to take it onto the online sewage duct of social networking a message board titled “789chan.”   

      I started many threads on this site (which is personally a horrible site where they make fun of people who are autistic, disabled or delusional, I being the last mainly) about this transsexual who I thought was far worse than me. Eventually that didn’t work and I took it to the next level; a fatal mistake on my part. I wrote an article slandering my rival tranny and he wrote one on me. At this point, I couldn’t think straight anymore thanks to the hormones and I couldn’t tolerate someone laughing at my transsexual persona online. When most people think of MTF transsexuals, they either think of black or white; either an extremely passable, almost-female or a masculine clown in a corset dress. I must admit, I was the latter. I could not take this like a “man” however.

    In the next eight months, I attempted to get all the information attacking me removed from the internet and 789chan. This made things FAR worse. I contacted lawyers, policemen, even personal detectives; everything in my power and none of them could do anything to 789chan because of the site being out of their legislation. This began my personal meltdown.

     Blinded by hormones and vanity I continued to post on the confounded site making hypocritical statements and never realizing once that if I stop this would all go away. I got myself addicted to meth, pot, bath salts and alcohol in an attempt to ease the pain. This only made me crazy and more furious, I checked myself into mental hospitals at least three times in an attempt to liberate myself from the internet. One time I even passed out from drinking too much rum and they carried me out on a stretcher. At this point, I was living in a graveyard because of my hormone consumption. It didn’t even matter about saving face anymore, I just wanted the pain to end.

    By the end of October, I had lost nearly everything. I had shaved off my hair (which I had worked so hard growing out) so I partially resembled Syd Barrett albeit one that had never eaten anything in his life, I threw away my jewelry and cosmetics kits because of pure anger, all my friends had deserted me because I was batshit insane, I had also either depleted or destroy my supply of drugs and I even lost the unconditional love of my parents. Eventually, one of the people from 789chan spoke to me when I was completely plastered and told me to call my parents and apologize for horrifying them with the epiphany that I wanted to become a transsexual because I was obsessed with Milla Jovovich. I did and surprisingly they forgave me. I suddenly saw the light, I was their boy, Robbie again, and I was no longer some hyper sexual, visually distorted, incredibly maniac transsexual freak that only lived to fight with people. I had finally found peace within.

 By the start of next year, I will be twenty-five and I will be back to square one. It took a quarter-century of soul searching and I’m still asking myself where do I go from here. I only have knowledge of this cautionary tale to understand that it is important to be yourself and not let society’s cruelty allow you to distort your body for you. Beta males out there, do not base yourself worth on how women treat you. For the beautiful ones are ugly too and you can see it in their personalities. But all hope is not lost, somewhere, someone in a nook and cranny of the world, will find a reason to love you but first you need to love yourself.